Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Can you get into heaven if you let your dog lick your crotch? Who only wants head? Why won't this guy take off his shirt? And should this letter writer move to the burbs with a nerd? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, about that self-identified asexual who was having tons of sex:

The explanation in the column was good, but I thought of a few simple descriptions [They all describe asexual as having no emotional attraction to the partner.]:

— She likes to fuck, but doesn't like sex. [no intimacy vs intimacy]
— Sex is her masturbation [the writer masturbates, so I could say the writer is not asexual]
— Sex is just an activity like bowling or watching a movie. [I used this one recently in explaining the difference between Open Marriage and Poly]

I liked that you brought up the "straights" that had homosexual sex - some of these are in the same distinction of relationship vs. just fun. I agree that there is a lot of gray area in this with some people not admitting real feelings or forcing a label/lifestyle on themselves.

For MARRIED:

As a married man who, on the much more rare occasion than your seemingly pompous and uneducated ass deserves, does get hit on by a woman that I find mutually attractive, but currently can't act upon it because the negotiations of opening a marriage are complex emotionally, sexually, and psychologically, and wants to have the decency to not just fuck any random woman who comes along and gives him some sugar cookie attention — please get the f**k over yourself. If you're such hot stuff and trying to settle a dispute with your bros about women you obviously do not respect because of your weak-minded, weak-willed response, perhaps it would do you, your friends, and these women at the gym, some good to do some research and understand how that response may be taken, how ethical non-monogamy works, and how it makes you look like a boy swimming in an ocean of ignorance. Or maybe just say "no thanks" next time. It seems rather more gentlemanly than making up an imaginary spouse or foisting that responsibility on your existent, and unwitting, spouse.

Okay! On dogs (which have been coming up a lot on the podcast):

To the man that called in about a previous episode about the dog and being a pet parent: fuck him. (I understand you’re not a dog person.) However, there are those that have fucked out of having their own children-or adopting. So, they often rely on dogs to be their children. They CAN provide that same love and comfort that a human child can, you just have to love that dog appropriately. I’m sure that man would break apart for years if something happened to one of his children, just as I would if something happened to my fur baby. I cannot have kids of my own, and she IS my child. So, fuck him and his narrow perspective.

And on puppy-licking and self-forgiveness:

I wanted to add something about forgiving ourselves. One technique I've learned to use is to imagine another child who did the exact same thing you did, and asking yourself whether you would forgive them for what they did. Oftentimes people find that they forgive others far more readily than themselves. This objective view helps you realize that you're not as bad as you think you are.

For PAUSES:

I'm sure some of your commenters have pointed this out, but after your advice to PAUSES focused totally on the logistics of a piercing/less chastity device, I was surprised. PAUSES specifically says he does not want a piercing, told his dom so "but didn't safeword," and that she made the appointment for him, setting a deadline despite his reluctance. This is shitty, red-flag, bad dom behavior. Permanent body modifications are something you don't make somebody do with reluctance. If the piercing gets infected, he's the one who has to deal with it. If they break up in six months, he's stuck with a piercing he didn't want. I'm kind of surprised your advice didn't also include him sitting down with his dom off the clock to discuss whether this is something he's willing to do, why his reluctance doesn't bother her, and what his threshold for a safeword is.

There was more to PAUSES' letter than I was able to fit in the column. Suffice it to say, PAUSES is—as he said in the letter—contemplating doing this to please his Dom. He's is also turned on by the thought of taking this step to please his Dom. But he can use his safeword and his Dom will respect drop the matter (and chastity play altogether) if he opts to use his safeword. You frequently here from subs in D/s relationships and/or spaces that they're seeking sexy, loving, and playful Doms who can respect their limits while pushing their boundaries. That's what PAUSES' Dom is doing here and, again, PAUSES is free to use his safeword if he can't find a chastity device that works without a PA—and, hey, my guest expert recommended two different places where PAUSES can get devices (chastity belts) that work without a PA, so crisis averted!

Regarding all that squirting:

C’mon guy. Menopause is going to take care of your girlfriend's squirting in a few short years, so get yourself a plastic mattress cover and some towels, and put a modicum of effort into planning for sex. This attitude some straight guys have that sex must be spontaneous—wherever and whenever—is annoying. As for her bathroom habits, white noise machines are cheap on the internet. Relax and enjoy your great relationship.