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Comments
If you can get confirmation that she does enjoy the quickies, then it's time to start discussing loosening up the timeframe for reciprocation, as Dan says.
Also -- get a Liberator sex blanket to minimize mess from your squirting.
And think about other ways she can give you physical pleasure that don't lead to orgasm! More options on the table keeps sex more exciting.
Do some general talking beforehand, like making her come in your regular sessions and assure her you’re ok without climaxing.
You can build up some positive tension the night before the act, like telling her you want to read her a love poem before you’re leaving to work or something along that line.
You can also schedule that special morning on her B-day or another special day for any of you.
When the time comes have her sit on a comfy chair. Move slowly, being too aggressive may make her cringe. Smile as you get on your knees and tell her she has nothing to worry about, you have a deep desire to make her come and make her day sexy. Tell her she can reciprocate later that night if she insists. Who knows, maybe she’ll also start initiating and surprise you every now and then.
Nothing. Except wait 10 years.
EricaP @3a / Ankyl @7: Yes. Ms GIG may have no interest in an "oral quickie." Many women are multi-orgasmic, and a single quick orgasm followed by... nothing... might actually leave her frustrated and lonely all day long. Talk to her -- and listen to her -- don't just present your case for why she should accede to your wishes. What should you do about those fantasies? What all of us with partners who don't share our fantasies do: fantasise about them. You've got a partner who's game for sex whenever you want; enjoy that three-quarters-full glass! (Also, women reach their sexual peak as they get older. Your sex life may continue to improve over the next decade or two.)
What about pre dawn, she wake up to you doing it? Just when the light is changing?
To by pass her frigidity/ no sex drive/ never initiates position, you have to skilfully seduce her.
As for your posts @9/@10, really? In nearly 30 years of having sex, nobody has "slipped up" and landed face first in my pussy while I was asleep. This is an intentional act and you're correct that it is a violation of consent. Under no circumstances should GIG try to realise this fantasy by removing her girlfriend's ability to say no due to her being asleep at the time. That's not a "skillful seduction" for someone who has already said she is uninterested in one-way quickies. More coffee for you, Lava!
Being woken for sex sometimes is an age old clause in some marriages/ relationships. Surprise attacks can be seductive, for some.
Sure, some people like to be woken up for sex. Those people need to consent before the fact, to tell their partners they'd like to be woken up sexually. Otherwise it's assault.
In principle, yes.
I agree with Lava that in many relationships, broad consent is granted for such surprise morning sex, though it can be withdrawn on a case-by-case basis if one of the partners isn't into it that day. That was the case in all my relationships. Quite frankly, should a BF of mine not occasionally wake me up (or let me wake him up) with a spontaneous BJ, for exemple, I'd feel there's something lacking between us. Maybe this is not for you, but that doesn't mean it's not something others can appreciate.
I'm GGG, I'll have sex with my partner even when I'm not particularly feeling it, because I love them and I want them to be happy. But when they want to just have sex with me and get me off, that's a whole different thing. Now I have to put on a show about how hot it makes me when actually no, we're doing it for their sake, not for mine. More importantly, though, I know it means yet more not-really-into-it sex later because my partner didn't get off.
Sex where my partner doesn't get off effectively doubles my not-into-it sexy times.
Maybe I'm projecting my baggage onto the low-libido partner, but maybe not. It might be worth asking if this is the concern, and if it is, reassuring her that you're not trying to double the sex you're having, just change it.
BiDan@12 ~ ..."nobody has "slipped up" and landed face first in my pussy while I was asleep"... Really? Happens to me all the time. Just walking along, happily minding my own business, and wham! Slip! Face in pussy. I wouldn't mind it so much if it wasn't for all the black eyes that follow...
Thanks to commenters @19 and @20 for their takes. It makes sense that when one isn't in the mood for sex, being a passive recipient is worse than being an active giver. Sorry, GIG, it looks like what you'll have to do with your "getting her off quickly" fantasies is get yourself off quickly by thinking about how much fun that would be if she were into it.
What’s the harm in at least trying it in a gentle way, hopefully after giving some prior hints and water testing, backing up if the reaction is too strong and assuring gf all is well even if she rejects it?
And, yes, discuss whether sexual touch when the other person is asleep is always okay / sometimes okay/ never okay.
CMDwannabe @24 -- you talk about testing the water and backing up if the reaction is too strong, and yet the gf has *already* made clear that "She STRONGLY opposes this." That's why posters are telling GIG not to push ahead with the plan.
I don't disagree with what you're saying generally (of course consent is paramount), but rhetorically speaking, how do we actually know that GIG's GF is a low-libido partner? GIG sure feels that way, because she always has to initiate, but if her GF generally responds favourably to GIG's advances, perhaps her libido is just fine and she's just not a very sexually assertive partner. Just sayin'.
I was referring to prepping the gf for "an oral quickie on my way out the door in the morning," which gf is still not aware of.
I may have overlooked the “She STRONGLY opposes this,” yet don’t think GIG should give up right away. Maybe slow down now and gradually build some momentum for the future. “Assault” sounded a bit harsh in this case, I think it is more under “negotiating and exploring.”
Another suggestion is have the gf satisfy GIG with no reciprocation, signaling it is an ok thing to engage in.
My point is that GIG is happy giving her partner an orgasm, without any thought of reciprocation down the road in so far as orgasming is concerned because performing oral sex on her partner or fucking her with a strap on is in and of itself, satisfying to GIG.
If GIG is going to have a sit down with her partner, I think it’s that explanation she should provide, and not one about delayed gratification.
"Even though our sex drives are vastly different..."
"Her sex drive is much lower than mine..."
"...even though my drive is leagues above hers..."
As I've said in other contexts, if only "just sayin" something made it true.
(I'm not using the term "low libido" in any sort of medical sense, to clarify.)
Sublime @28: What I'm "not quite seeing" is any possibility that GIG hasn't already tried telling her girlfriend she's satisfied enough by getting her off, but okay, fact not in evidence. If she hasn't said this, then yes, she should.
I agree with the suggestion that Ms GIG could quickly get GIG off instead of the other way round. GIG has said her objection to this is that she squirts and it's a mess. I'm wondering -- and this is a question for the squirters -- does this happen with every orgasm, even during masturbation? If not, perhaps GIG can tell her partner that later on in her work day, she'll take a break and masturbate while remembering the morning quickie -- and, voila, she's had her turn to come.
That's not true. The last sentence of the first paragraph and the second paragraph are about her partner's low libido. The rest - the crux of the problem, the reason she wrote Dan for advice - is about her partner not accepting non-reciprocal sex, which is quite a different subject. You're assuming, here.
"I'm not using the term "low libido" in any sort of medical sense"
And neither is she, really. This is all subjective. She feels her partner's libido is lower, but then she herself says "she's usually game once I put on the moves".
I'm not saying I'm right, but it's possible that I'm not wrong and that the GF merely has a different set of criteria to feel comfortable engaging in sex. From what I can tell, it's mostly their way to approach sex that is radically different.
"I don't want ice cream right now."
"I'll feed it to you real fast, you don't have to do all the work of feeding yourself and it won't take long."
"But I don't want ice cream."
"Eat it!!"
In addition to the non-reciprocal agreements Dan suggests, LW may wish to open the topic of duration of sex. She could talk to her GF about what makes long sex hot, and ask what her GF thinks would make fast(er) sex hot. LW could describe a "fuck first" type of experience she'd like to try, perhaps before they go out to dinner with friends, or prior to some other time bound commitment. My early 20's lesbian self thought/felt/had somehow internalized the message that if we can keep going we should. This led to a lot of great orgasms given and gotten, but also a lot of lockjaw, carpal tunnel pain, stiff necks, and tennis elbow (after one especially enthusiastic romp.) Once I learned it was okay to state a preference for/inquire about others' interest in fast and hot sex as an equally valid alternative from time to time, I became a more well-rounded person who was in need of far fewer chiropractic adjustments.
And how does that joke go? I couldn't find it with Google.
Somany @37: Good observation. GIG may be thinking that she'd like sex more often, but they don't have time for marathon sessions "more often," so she'd be just as happy with a quickie, while Ms GIG is thinking that if they don't have hours to spare then why bother. On the flip side of Slomo's point, if Ms GIG hasn't ever been with a man, she might not see any value in having wham, bam, thank you ma'am sex.
Jayde @38: Another good point. Would GIG be satisfied with a quickie that didn't get her girlfriend off? If not... that's a bit of a double standard!
LW, it all sounds very dreary and way too much talk needs to go on with this woman. Save yourself yrs of bs and go find yourself a woman who isn't such a chore sexually, for you.
I would class an erection against the back differently from sticking your face in a sleeping person's crotch. One sends the message that you'd like sex; the other is sex. One leaves room for the person to say yes or no, depending on their preference; the other takes that agency away, and that's why it's, as you say, a violation of consent, if that person hasn't given a clear message that they'd like to be woken up this way.
So, thank you for clarifying @43 that waking to your other half going down on you ISN'T "to be expected." I rest my case.
Lava @42: Sure, of course they can, if both of them want to. (Which is pretty much the answer for everything, isn't it?) It's just far less typical when you've got two people, neither of whom is biologically driven to stop having sex once they come.
I did say occasionally. The LW is not a man so no erect penis to kick start some morning play, so how does a lesbian/ bi woman wake her female partner for sex?
Really? The only reason to share a bed with your spouse is for morning sex? We definitely part ways.
One difference I can see is the presence or absence of kids in the house. If there are kids, a parent getting up may wake them up, and you lose your chance for sex. If that is the case then yes, sex might seem more important to me than coffee.
How does a lesbian/bi woman wake her female partner for sex? A considerate one doesn't; she waits until the partner can be felt stirring, then applies cuddles and caresses. A horny one might start in with the cuddles and caresses before the partner wakes, then proceed to kissing and groping once consciousness is established. I've spent endless anguished minutes lying in bed horny waiting for my partner (of either gender) to wake up so that I can put the moves on them. Golden rule and all that. Waking me up because you're horny is a great way to NOT get sex at any point in the morning; waiting for me to wake up and notice there's a sexy naked person next to me is a much better bet.
I'm glad you clarified what is "to be expected." If you'd phrased it as "your partner will sometimes wake up horny and want to have sex, that is to be expected in an LTR," I'd agree. Just going ahead and starting the sex without the sleeping partner's consent or even consciousness is NOT "to be expected." It's to be negotiated.
And LavaGirl @42, I don't see the upside to insulting people ("stick in the mud") for having preferences about how they have sex. Don't date them if they're not to your taste.