Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sexual Compatibility Is Important (So Establish It Before You Make A Baby!)

Comments

1
Thanks for the first paragraph, Dan. That really jumped at me.
2
I feel for LW here. I was in the same boat. Got married young, was definitely vanilla. Then easily accessible porn happened (I'm in my 50's) on vhs! THEN I discovered I was a kinky motherfucker. I wanted it all... group sex, experimenting with same sex partners, kink, all of it. I had no idea, before I saw it, the shit people did. My poor raised Catholic wife. I'm not the pushy kind but there's no way you could call this anything other than a total turn around for me.

Anyway at least on the fantasy level she shared some things with me, mainly threesomes. But she would never actually do it! Well we just kept fantasizing about it, and I made it clear that I was up for REALIZING it. She continued to be a no. Time passed, we had kids, we were miserable sexless parents for a few years, we kind of even quit watching porn, because what kind of parent would do that? It was really sad, but I'm patient, and easy going.

A few more years pass, internet porn (!) happens, and we slowly ease back into our previous sex life, with a little easier access to porn. The kids got older and needed us less, and we started dating each other again, and travelling without the kids. Suddenly we were back to fantasizing again about our old stand by the threesome, by this point she knew about my interest in a little same sex stuff and had gotten over the shock.

We kept talking, with no pressure, and eventually she said yes, she too wanted to make it a reality. Slowly we eased into swinging (which I found thrilling, her to a lesser extent unless she could find a guy she was really into, like REALLY into). Not long after that she revealed her bi interests, and she even had someone in mind. Well that other person is now our girlfriend in a poly triad of 3 years! She's found a few other guys along the way she was really into as well.

So we went from Catholic to Poly in just 24 years!

All this is to say, people do change, even in the most unlikely of circumstances.
3
coolie @2 "I'm patient, and easy going" ... "we just kept fantasizing about it, and I made it clear that I was up for REALIZING it."

Exactly. If you don't want to leave, try patience and baby steps. KINK can try connecting her orgasms to sexy talk about fantasies she finds hot, along with accepting that some people change very slowly (and may never get there).
4
@2 That's a great life story to share here. Also, I love the idea and line... 'Catholic to Poly in just 24 years'! In my mind, I can see this as the close of an advertisement... Catholic to Poly in just 24 short years!! You can do it too!!
5
I don't agree with Dan that the LW should wait at least 1-2 years before bringing up his need for kink outside the bounds of his relationship. He's making a huge leap from "being vanilla" to being rigid. So the first thing for KINK to do is get some more info. Talk to his GF about his needs, and about her boundaries and feelings. Then figure out if and when the LW can explore his kinky side.

Also, Dan does not address the fact that this is not a married couple. We don't know anything about the agreements in this relationship - we don't even know if they even live together! So whatever unspoken agreements about vanilla monogamy might apply to married couples, at the very least, they don't apply here.
6
KINK had seven years with his girlfriend to figure this out, but two years after getting his girlfriend pregnant is when he realizes that he can’t live without exploring his kinks? How was the relationship working for the first seven years?

I wonder whether KINK isn’t experiencing a bit of a personal identity crisis, in which he realizes he is a thirty something dad, with responsibilities, and a girlfriend who is no longer a hot twenty something, but a mom. KINK sees his life like an endless straight road across a flat desert, filled with diapers, carpools, little league games, and rated G movies. So now he’s looking to recapture part of his wild youth.
7
The LW didn't get married young. He's in the second half of his thirties. He's been with her for nine years which means that he was in his late twenties when he met her. He then spent 7 years with her before deciding to have a baby with her. That puts him at mid 30s when he realizes, oh gee being kinky is a priority for me. That's not young.

Seriously folks, you need to learn that when you choose to have kids with someone, then you are going to have to make choices that are not about you - sometimes not even at all about you- for a few years. You might get lucky and be in a situation in which you and your coparent can still do all sorts of fun things and you don't have to sacrifice to much, but there are no guarantees. One way you can maximize your chances of this happening is to not create other human beings with people with whom you aren't satisfied in the first place. This isn't even a case of "my partner's sexual preferences changed after having a baby" or "my partner's priorities changed after having a baby" both of which are at least sympathetic situations in which a person might find him/herself after becoming a parent. This is a case of "my partner is exactly the same as she was before having a baby only now I'm not happy with it anymore". Sometimes I think we need to learn to just suck it up in this culture. Too bad!

Childrearing starts to get easier when the kid is around 4. (Generally speaking). I agree that until then, count your blessings that A) you have a decent sex life with your partner- and don't ruin it! and B) you don't have a child with disabilities that would extend the next couple years of hardcore parenting and support to the rest of your life. Be a good parent and a good partner, put your kinks on the back burner for a couple years, and then revisit this conversation and what you can do about it then.

And for god's sake people, stop creating families under the naive fantasy that you can have it all.
8
Too bad they procreated; it makes it harder to advise KINK's girlfriend to run screaming and never have anything to do with his solipsistic ass ever again. As Dan notes, he's defining her sexuality completely in terms of his own sexuality. Not recognizing one's partner as a seperate person with zir own desires is not a good sign. Claiming to love someone whom you view as an extension of yourself and not a seperate person is a worse sign. The fact that KINK perceives his girlfriend's responses after they do non-vanilla things as angry is an especially bad sign - either he's ascribing hostile feelings that aren't there, or she is angry, which points to KINK pressuring/coercing her to do things she really doesn't want to do and then resenting it (with good reason). Being more into flirting with other people than his girlfriend and mother of his child makes me wonder what he's doing dating and procreating with her at all.

Actually, I take it back - KINK's girlfriend very much should run screaming and take the kid so ze's not exposed to a father who thinks of other people as an extension of himself, as that will almost certainly be an abusive home environment. That's only made MORE urgent by the kid, not less.
9
Coolie, your story sounds great. Shame that you weren't able to realize your kinks earlier, but given the situation as it was, it sounds like you made the best of it- compromising on both sides and staying positive about it as much as possible. I'm glad a new kinky reality emerged for both of you. I think there are a lot of people who will find that their sex life will take a dip and then recover and over a long marriage it will include a lot of different phases and changes.
10
Soulcrusher, that might work for some people, but for many people, especially just a year and a half after the major life and body changes brought on by the creation of a new human being, having a partner that keeps bringing up their dissatisfaction with your current sex life (when nothing has changed) and desire to change everything (when you've already tried and disliked it and they knew this before creating said human being) will result in insecurities and resentments- both of which combined with the normal pressures of early childrearing can pretty quickly destroy the current sex life.

Dude knew the reality of the situation. He had a baby within that reality- with full knowledge of how things were. And now he just has to live with it for a couple years. Seriously, it's not that big a deal in the larger scheme of things and we have to start realizing that you cannot have everything you want all the time and still manage to do something that requires so much compromise & unexpected outcomes as getting married and raising children. BTW I don't think there is anything inherently noble about marriage and parenting, and I think most people would be better off if they avoided them both.

And yes you are correct that they are not legally married- he calls her his girlfriend. They've still been together for a decade and have a child together so I don't see what the rest of it has to do with it.
11
Just after the kid he realizes this? Get a grip, sorry no. They had lots of vanilla sex so he got by. Now he is having little because there is a kid in the house. LW is having these problems now because the mom is exhausted and has been raising a baby. FFS, even if your partner shared all your kinks you would be not having much sex. Grow up.
12
We have friends who are kinky. When I hang out with them, without my girlfriend, the tongue-in-cheek flirting between everyone is electric to me! I've come to realize how much I miss that in my life.
Gee, I wonder when LW finds the time to even be at home where his gf is doing ALL the work of looking after the new baby! Instead of being at home, he's almost-deliberately aggravating his sense of deprivation by hanging out with his (I don't think they're hers) kinky friends.

I get the impression that he's deluding himself whenever she's tried something kinky. To him, it's as if she's loosened her boundaries so that the next time they can start from there and go further. He doesn't have a clue that, by the next time, she's had a chance to process the kink, realized she's not on board, and retreated back to her original boundaries.

He should start practising his fantasy scripts and scenarios, where he has the vanilla sex that she prefers while imagining a lot more. If he were really patient, he might be able to persuade her to try the flirty/naughty talk that he enjoys - as long as it's clear to both of them that it's just talk!
13
My husband and I had a similar situation. I'm kinky, he's not. I had a high libido, he did not. Kids change things. They may not change them as much as you like or they may change things too much. After spitting out a few kids, my libido and kink interest dropped, but the husband's interest went up a little. Lots of couples peak in kink later in life without the stress of kids.
14
@5 soulcrusader - what difference does marriage make to it? Every marriage is different, just as every relationship is different, and not much can be assumed either way. Marriage does not automatically mean that people live together or have "unspoken agreements about vanilla monogamy".
15
To be, or not to be...a huge douche? Buck up, asshole, you had PLENTY of time to consider this and HAD THE KID anyway. Dan's right. Immediately after the baby is born IS NOT the time to bring this issue to the forefront, you've BOTH got plenty to keep you busy for the next few years or so. Too bad that decisions have consequences. Live with yours. Later on, maybe you can find some middle ground and only be a semi-moderately douchy asshole for wanting to change the rules.
16
I wish people weren't so intent on converting those of the vanilla persuasion.
17
Hah! I wonder how often he watches the kiddo while she has an evening out with friends? And now she's not kinky and free-wheeling and sparkly enough for him.
18
Mr. Venn @16 - sexual connection is important to many people, and if no one feeds that connection, it often dies. It's better if both people feed it, but it can also work for one person to put in more of the energy -- if they are patient and sensitive to their partner's sexual pleasure & preferences as well as their own.

The connection may still fade, but I think more people expand their sexual repertoire over time than contract it. And in any case I think people get to advocate for what they want sexually. If their partner doesn't want to hear about it, that's a good reason to end the relationship.

b07ias @17 -- good question.
19
Perfect answer, Dan. That Ms KINK is "attuned to her sexuality" -- her vanilla-and-there's-nothing-wrong-with-that sexuality -- was the first thing that jumped out at me, too. She is who she is, just as KINK is who he is, and trying to make her kinky is as futile as KINK trying to forgo his desires. I agree that KINK is in a trap of his own making, and Dan is bang on that now is not the time to give his partner any ultimatums. Perhaps some day they can reach a monogamish arrangement, but right now KINK needs to focus on being a different sort of Daddy. :)
20
Soul @5: Wow. In what world do co-parents (I think we can assume from this that they are indeed cohabitating) in monogamous relationships not have to comply with the same rules of monogamy as married couples?? No, KINK's cheating would not be the least bit acceptable just because there is no ring on his finger.

Sublime @6: Bang on. The timing does say a lot. Now that KINK is a 35-year-old, aka middle-aged, dad, he worries his fun sex life is over. That's why he's panicking now about being "trapped" in a monogamous vanilla relationship. Midlife crisis klaxon!

EmmaLiz @7: Applause!

Christopher @11: Re-read the letter. KINK never said he wasn't getting much sex after the baby. This happens with a lot of couples, sure, but there's zero evidence that it's happening with this one.

Donny @15: As always, you are the omnipotent comment god! This guy needed some tough love. Go you!
21
BiDF@20 Ditto. Was going to reply to same comments but you already did, and better than I'd have at this late hour.

Coolie @2: Thank you for sharing your awesome story! Really made me smile. And I agree with several here who say we tend to expand sexually as we age and kids grow up. I knew a 60-something recovering Catholic who refused to admit he was anything but vanilla until a certain Pandora came along and flipped his lid open... I love that you walked that long road with the one you love over decades!

Also, I have a feeling Soulcrusher @5 is ..... young? Not gonna pile on any more, 'nuff already said before I showed up.

To KINK: Suck it up buttercup. And get some therapy. It'll help you AND your baby mama. Sounds like she's probably ragged by now and needs you to get your shit together. Grow the fuck up.
22
@16: Yeah, they guy immediately struck me as a selfish douche the moment he described his harping on specific sex moves as trying to "attune her sexuality." What a fucking prick.

I mean, god forbid some people can just enjoy vanilla sex without some weirdo trying to "fix" them. It's not my fault you need to have your foot in a bear trap and then get hit by a car to cum. Fix your own shit.
23
@6. SublimeAfterglow. Yes, this is exactly it.

KINK is put off, is even afraid of, the prospects of a vanilla life, not just a vanilla sex-life. But he's in it for the long haul. It doesn't sound to me as if he's thinking of leaving. But the scale of his responsibilities, the length of the road ahead, have gotten to him; and he's partly rationalizing, by making the 'awkward fit' between him and his wife all about sex.

On the theme of sex, though, it can be presumptuous of kinksters to suppose that their kinky sex is more exciting, more fulfilling, than the sex of non-kinksters; and it can be equally presumptuous of people of vanilla sexuality to think that kinksters' palate is so jaded they can't enjoy the most ordinary and immediate pleasures of e.g. touch and eye contact. People from both these groups are always going to make these assumptions from time to time; but there's a risk of their becoming unreasonable should they let the assumptions harden into 'theory'.

I think in this situation that KINK should try to have the best sex life he can, (for now) entirely on his wife's terms.
24
@23. Ah, she's his gf, not his wife. But I don't see the difference between them in the way Soulcrusher would seem to.

KINK says he understands he has to 'round up'. Has his gf rounded up? As he sees it? Maybe what's she's rounded up, in her own mind, include his awful sexual misadventures in his early and mid-twenties?
25
Thanks everyone for the nice comments about my story (@2 above). My attitude has always been, "Why get married if you aren't going to make a go of it?" So the fact that I had unfulfilled interests never made me feel bad about our relationship. Nobody gets everything they want, and even though I really seem to have it all right now, there's still a bucket list. I hope it is never empty. Even including the sexually lean years right after kids, I was never unhappy.

Most of our friends are probably sickened a bit by how happy we are after so many years. AND most of our friends know about our newfound openness. They have universally been happy for us. Our girlfriend was also a part of our friend group, which I'm sure made it kind of awkward for everyone, so kudos to them for being open minded, even my wife's very best friend, who lives literally across the alley, and is very very Catholic still. Having her blessing meant so much to my wife and it seemed unlikely at the start. Being open about our situation also meant coming out as bi for both of them too.

We had 27 years of perfectly executed monogamy (3 years dating, 24 married) before we opened up, and I like to think that all those years taught us patience and kindness toward each other, which really helps navigating being open after so many years or monogamy. Who knows how many more years we have at this point, but that makes us even more committed to executing non-monogamy as well as we can. THAT is a real challenge.
26
I'd tell KINK to rip off the band-aid and just tell his girlfriend that he's leaving her. Make arrangements to pay generous child support and just go. Waiting a few years and doing it later is even more cruel to her. If he does it now, she still has the chance to find someone who likes the sex she likes, wants to be a parent with her, and is not an asshole.
27
coolie, I haven't seen you until recently, but I hope you'll stay. I think your perspective is a vital one that's often missing from these discussions. I am so happy that things worked out as they ddi between you and your wife and now her girlfriend and your friend group at large. Your story is encouraging and inspiring.
28
This is my price of admission to be with her. My question is: How do I stop myself from feeling trapped? How do I not let resentment set in? I don't want to throw away everything we've built together. Leaving is not an option. I just don't know where to go from here.

He *knows* this is the price of admission and he's in for the long haul, and what he asked is how he can change his own mindset about the situation so the relationship doesn't fester and die, and it seems like most of these responses - including Dan's - are attacking KINK because he wishes the situation were different, instead of actually answering his questions and giving him some tools to get himself better with the situation.
Kudos to KINK for writing in and asking the questions before you're too frustrated and angry to salvage your relationship. I hope you can find some useful advice among these responses.
29
Harriet @23: "it can be presumptuous of kinksters to suppose that their kinky sex is more exciting, more fulfilling, than the sex of non-kinksters; and it can be equally presumptuous of people of vanilla sexuality to think that kinksters' palate is so jaded they can't enjoy the most ordinary and immediate pleasures of e.g. touch and eye contact."

Indeed. For a perfect example of this, see the comment directly above yours. Theodore makes a good point about not shaming vanilla people for being vanilla, then ruins it by shaming the kinky. Kinky people don't need to be "fixed" either. KINK sounds like he's perfectly capable of coming without bear traps (his son being evidence of that), he just misses the occasional spicing up that he had when he was swinging. This doesn't make him a "weirdo" and it doesn't make him unreasonable -- it's how or whether he chooses to address these desires, in the context of his current relationship, that makes him a "selfish douche" or not.
30
Castalia @28: Good for you for identifying KINK's real question! It really would be a neat trick to just switch off one's feelings. I think he needs a therapist, not a sex advice columnist, for that. When one writes to a sex advice columnist, one gets sex advice.
31
BiDanFan @30 It absolutely would be a neat trick! And you're right, a therapist probably is the answer he needs. My guess is he was hoping for some advice on how to turn off his kinky side or something like that, which would also be a neat trick. Perhaps if he really wants this life with his family more than he wants to be kinky, it's something he can figure out and then come back to advise the next poor sap in this position.
32
Fichu@26 ~ I disagree, those first couple baby years are WAY labor-intensive! He needs to stick it out (because he stuck it in) and do his part to share the load. LW isn't going to be interested in finding someone else anytime soon. Ditto on the generous child support whenever (if ever) it becomes necessary. This is YOUR CHILD (and YOUR CHOSEN MATE), Jack, take care of them forever!
33
"I've tried everything I can think of over the years to get her more attuned to *MY* sexuality."

There, I fixed it.
34
Fichu @26: I disagree as well. He's not an asshole; he's accepted that this is the sacrifice he needs to make for the sake of this relationship, he just wants some help adjusting to it. Unlike many LWs, he's not asking for permission to leave; he's asking for help to stay.

MickLak @33: *dingdingding*
35
SublimeAfterglow @6 I agree with everything you said, with the exception of "a girlfriend who is no longer a hot twenty something, but a mom". My dude. I get what you're saying, but it's possible to be both.
36
Sixteen month old child, eh? Nearly two. Funny funny guy to be thinking of doing some sort of pleasure ride, just now.
37
Ms Erica - You generously ascribe your own motives to other people. I actually wasn't referring to you; you have the opposite condition of being almost eager to convert yourself. In too many cases, for too many others, it's much more about winning or being the agenda setter than feeding the connection.

If anything, my repertoire tended to contract in LTRs. I'm perfectly willing to accept the proposition that I likely need less variety than most people. But I recall our old disputes, and continue to maintain that it is just as noble to abandon an unshared interest of one's own as it is to adopt one of someone else's.

Bravo to anyone making a successful addition; it's just that, as a parallel to Mr Savage's lament that we don't hear about the successful non-monogamous relationships, I could say that, while successful openings of relationships are celebrated, successful closings tend to be treated as failures.
38
@28 Castalia. The impression I got was that KINK was writing to 1) a notably sex-positive columnist, 2) who HAS sanctioned affairs in the past, in the hope he would receive encouragement to cheat on his gf (so that he could remain 'sane', in argot Dan has used) while remaining a father to his child.

Your reading is a lot more generous than that. You think KINK wants to think differently about his monogamous relationship. I hope he can; and the first way to do so is to stop feeling aggrieved for himself that he isn't getting the more exciting sex he craves. There is a sense in which he signed up for exactly what he's now getting. Yes, to a degree he has made a sacrifice to be with his partner--but she has also made sacrifices to be with him for sure, and there is everything to gain for him in regards to his (and their) happiness from his trying to see things more from her point of view.
39
@1 Yeah, "I've tried everything I can think of over the years to get her more attuned to her sexuality" really jumped out at me too. I mean, self-centred and condescending much?
40
Furthermore, based on what I've heard, if you have a small child and are having regular sex of any sort (and I'm assuming that's the case here, otherwise KINK would be complaining about NO sex) you're doing pretty okay.
41
Harriet @38: Interesting take on the "so of all the advice columnists, why did he choose Dan" question. Because in spite of his claim that he accepts the price of admission, he wants to be encouraged to cheat or told that it's okay to ask for an open relationship? Or because Dan's the only one who would actually acknowledge that KINK's vanilla monogamy is, in fact, for him a huge sacrifice -- the only one who wouldn't slut-shame him for the mere fact of wanting a more varied sex life? Who wouldn't give an answer like DonnyK's @15?

Bi @35: Sure, of course it's possible to be both. But is it possible for a man to see the mother of his child as both? For some, the answer is no.
42
Mr. Venn @37 -- I think repressing one's desires doesn't make them go away.

But I'll agree that it's just as noble to shut up about one's (unappreciated) fantasies as it is to listen to a partner's (unappealing) fantasies.

>> while successful openings of relationships are celebrated, successful closings tend to be treated as failures. >>

I'm not sure I've seen that. If two people end up happily monogamous (and they didn't treat other people badly along the way) -- I'd be surprised to hear anyone criticizing their choices.

And I agree with the folks encouraging the LW to empathize with his gf and look for ways to help her remember she's not just a mom (ie b07ias @17, BiChicagoMama @35). That offers the best chance for him to recharge their relationship so they both find it fulfilling, at least while the kid is young.
43
I find it very hard to empathize with the LW. 9 years in and a (relatively new) child and you are just realizing this? And you knew these things about yourself before you even started with this woman? Sounds like selfishness (esp. the way you talk about her sexuality) combined with new family panic. I'm with those that say... zip it for a few years until the kid is a little older and then break up and go have the life you want and let her move on to someone who wants to be with her the way she wants to be with them.
44
@35/BiChicsgoMama: @41/Bi beat me to it. I’m not suggesting women can’t be sexy and sexual and mothers, but KINK may have trouble seeing past the breastfeeding and dirty diapers and bottles. Also his girlfriend may be holding down most the domestic work and not getting much sleep and not exercising, so he may be comparing his tired, post-pregnancy girlfriend with young women he is flirting with. All of which is KINK should stop doing if he is.
45
@31. Castalia. Imv it was a mistake for KINK to talk about 'turning his wife' on, or attuning her to her latent sexuality; and it may also be a unfortunate turn of phrase to have him 'turning off' his kinky side. Because it's always likely to be there, isn't it? Even in a grass-is-greener sense. The question now would seem to be how far he can engage his kinky side, maybe just his kinky imagination, with his gf--and also, to a degree, whether it's something he can share pleasurably and uncoercively with her. Talking about not-vanilla forms of sex, sharing stories, dreaming up fantasies--these are things he may be able to do, providing they're against a background of his offering a very strong sense of security to his partner, especially as a co-parent. Or perhaps not ... it could be she deplores his kinky side, and was hoping he'd got it out of his system or finally outgrown it (this is from her part of view) when he agreed to start a family.
46
@41. Bi. I'm guessing he didn't want a response something like e.g. 'it's not about the sex. It's about whether you can change diapers for another two years, whether you can do Little League for seven, can chauffeur for fourteen...'. But maybe that would be the right answer....
47
@41 Fan, I think Donny was speaking the truth. The LW did have lots of time to realise this relationship didn't satisfy him, before having a baby. And a sixteen month old is a handful, except when they are asleep.
I imagine many people suddenly realise how much they miss their prior life, when their kid is a toddler.
48
"In my younger years, I was active in the swinging community, I hooked up with couples and singles, and I enjoyed exploring the kinkier side of sex." Nine years together and only now it becomes an issue? There is something wrong in the state of Denmark here. How the hell did he hook up and stay with a vanilla gf for seven years before procreating? Given his prior experiences, it took him 9 nine years to realize they were not sexually compatible. Get real. Me thinks that the reality of parenthood finally sunk in and he feels trapped with in a life long commitment.
49
How do you stop yourself from feeling trapped, LW? You don't. You are trapped, in parenthood. Welcome to the rest of your life, worrying. And why would you resent your wife? She bore you this beautiful child.
50
Lava @47: It may be the truth (see my comment @20), but it's not terribly sympathetic. KINK could have gone to anyone, yourself included, for "grow up and focus on your child" advice, which is indeed valid. But he wrote to Dan, why? Perhaps because he wanted at minimum an "I know this is hard for you" acknowledgment. Which is also valid.
51
If KINK has in fact accepted the reality that we've all (bar Dan) been telling him, and does just want help processing his sadness around the loss of his kinky side, it sounds like what he's going through are stages of grieving. Perhaps that's the sort of support/therapy he should look for.
52
I agree with everyone who thinks LW is looking for permission to feel sad that he has lost a part of his life that he enjoyed. I sympathize. We've all been there, it's called "growing up". You're not the carefree kid who could fuck everyone within seven blocks and still have time to eat, drink and be merry. You are supposedly an adult with heavy responsibilities. Sometime it sucks. Sometimes it's great. Being a father comes with equal doses of sacrifice and joy. Concentrate on your new amazing baby. Be happy you have a dedicated wife who does all the things for you that she does. Rejoice that you got to walk on the wild side when you were younger, some people never got that chance and never will. Maybe Wife will change her outlook when motherhood isn't pressing down so hard on her, and she doesn't sense that hubby is frustrated and unhappy and doing his best to "get her more attuned to her sexuality" and will consider spicing things up. Maybe she won't. For now, focus on the positives.
53
Fan @59: this man has a sixteen month old baby, asks how to not let resentment creep into his marriage.. and you talk of sympathy.
For a woman, generally .. pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding, one gets the message very clearly, things have changed. And they have. A new little person is on the scene who needs a lot of attention to survive and thrive. A man doesn't have these physical lessons, and if he doesn't cotton on, then a good kick up the bum might help.
Not time for sympathy, time for Dad to be on deck, helping keep everyone healthy and safe, and worry about his long given up kinks another time.
54
Lava @53: I'm just gonna refer you to DonnyK's excellent comment @52, which I was really hoping would be the last word on KINK's dilemma. This guy is doing the right thing -- remember, we don't even know whether he became a father intentionally -- and you just want to kick him in the bum. You're all heart.
55
Harriet @38 He may very well have written to Dan for both of these reasons, but we can really only guess as to his motivations. I lean toward @41 BDF’s interpretation that it was likely to avoid the kind-shaming that a lot of other advice columnists would have given – in the absence of him actually ending the letter with “so I can I mess around?”.
Harriet @45 I agree with all the other commenters that the parenthood aspect is still a bit new for him to be able to do a lot of negotiating with his partner in regard to options, but given some time and what would satisfy his kinks, it might be possible. If it’s really the tongue-in-cheek flirting, maybe she’d be alright with him going to clubs to satisfy this, or if it’s rope play or spanking with no PIV involved, maybe she’s be okay with opening the relationship for him to explore that elsewhere. It really all does come down to what his actual kinks are and what he needs to satisfy them… but negotiations are more likely to happen for him if he buckles down and puts his energy into being a good partner and parent now.
56
I don't know if new fathers get similar support from their social networks that some new mothers do? I mean, I'm pretty sure loads of new mothers feel isolated as well, but it's pretty common to see groups of new moms hanging out together- I've been a part of plenty of social groups of new parents and they mostly include women. And people get the chance there to offer one another the sort of support and empathy (and just room to vent and allow each other to express selfish feelings- raising a child doesn't make you a saint) that the LW might've been looking for in his writing to Dan? I don't know if male friendships include this as much as female friendships do- even among women I don't think it's included enough as plenty of moms are out there struggling alone. But among men? My outside experience here tends to be that men who end up really enjoying fatherhood fall into their stride a few years after women do, generally. I know loads of really wonderful dads of elementary aged and teenaged kids who didn't really know what to do with toddlers and babies. I also know the opposite so I'm not saying this is always the case, but I've wondered if some of this is because once your kids are old enough that you can really hang with them and take them out to do stuff that isn't mind-numbingly tedious (like it is with toddlers), it's easier to connect with other adults as well. So I see a lot more men who do things with their male friends and their elementary aged kids than I do men who get together with male friends and their babies. In fact, I can think of almost no examples of the later even though I can think of loads of women who do this. This is from my personal experience and I know this changes depending on all sorts of stuff, but to extend some empathy to the LW, I agree he could be writing to Dan to get some of the support that he's not getting from male friends?? Dan knows what it's like to be a parent and he knows what it's like to have a kinky sex life and he knows what it's like to be a dedicated partner, so all of that might've influenced the LW especially if he lacks that in real life friends.
57
@54 OTOH maybe getting kicked on the ass by an older Aussie would get this guy off. Heh
58
A bonus for him then DC270. That was funny.

How would his wife feel, not that long ago birthing a baby, hearing he may learn to resent her if he doesn't go a-playing. I sure hope he's not burdening her with his fantasies. Like tough titty mate, now is not the time.
59
Coolie--Sweet story, and kudos to you for coaxing your wife's sexual interests to align with your own. It would be wishful thinking applied to the LW's situation though. He and his partner *already* have access to all the kinky porn and swingers of which you so fondly speak. Lack of enthusiasm, not lack of awareness or exposure, is the girlfriend's position. He's far less likely than you were to turn that around.