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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A brand new girlfriend demands a long-term commitment, a woman wonders if she should scold the younger woman her husband had an affair with, can a guy piss where he wants to if it's his piss party, and a letter-writer's gender-curious son saw the trans porn he jacked off to and now his wife thinks CPS is going to take away their kids. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

For CARL, the guy—currently going through a divorce—whose brand new girlfriend is demanding a long-term commitment:

I always get a sense of unease when people are willing to hop from one relationship into another without giving oneself an emotional break. You need to get up from the table serving the LOVE banquet, walk around a little, and reassess who and what you are now and where you eventually want to go before hopping on another train to anywhere.

And:

Eh I don’t think you’re pushy and annoying for asking for what you want. It’s not about this guy (or him having “proved himself” at being able to run a household in his early 20’s which is an altogether insane measure of a person). It’s about her knowing what she wants in her early 20’s, which is to travel and explore, and her not wanting to invest emotionally into a relationship that won’t mesh with those goals. Give her a break. I kind of think her boyfriend, Dan, and all the commenters are being harsh.

For SISS, the woman wondering if she should scold the younger woman with whom her husband had an affair:

They got together as teenagers. There's been a lot of emotional infidelity. He's not putting his wife first even if they had an open relationship set-up. He was having sex with another woman for over a year.
He lied to the other woman about being married. When caught, he lied to the other woman about the relationship being open. The other woman was 21, which makes her legally an adult, but doesn't negate the fact that there was a significant age difference. Campsite rule got tossed out. No way does finding out that the older man you were having sex with is married, a liar, and a cheat leave you in better shape than you were found. He has insecurity issues. He agreed to couples therapy which is the new code word for, "I'm putting the blame on both of us."

Any one of these taken individually can be explained away or forgiven or put in perspective to make the relationship worth saving. Taken all together, they add up to a huge whopping Dump Him in capitals, bold face, and underlined.

That's the question SISS didn't ask. She asked about contacting the naive young thing and what she might say. I don't like the idea of ignoring the message because no one likes to be ignored. It was brave of Ms. Young Thing to reach out, and that should be acknowledged. Anything that smacks of scolding or being judgmental is wrong too because any emotional reaction is roping Ms. Young into something emotional when the best thing for her is to extricate herself from this mess and go her own way. For that reason, I favor a brief "Thank you for telling me. I've got it from here." And leave it at that.

For PEE and his piss party problems:

Is five really a bad turn out? How many piss parties does someone need to go to? It seems like checking out a couple and dropping out is what I’d expect most people to do. It’s his party. You can ask for alone time with someone, but if there are only five people at the party how much alone time do you expect to get? He’s running a piss party, not a fucking singles event. Ask your buddy to go out with you after you’re done being a gracious guest and ignoring your host’s lame jokes like a gracious guest would. Letter writer sounds like a pain in the ass. If you’re not having fun after a couple piss parties, you’re probably like most people who go to piss parties. Don’t go.

And:

Five people sounds a decent turnout for rural area. In London I see 100 to 150 guys at well advertised regularly scheduled events. That's in a greater metro area with 13 million people. I'm no data scientist and math is hard, but I think this works out to 1 gay man showing up at group piss parties per 130,000 population. So to get five guys at a piss party would require 650,000 population within a hour's drive. Actual rural areas maybe 50,000 people in an hour's drive? Or 5,000? PEE, it's worth putting the effort into making this dude's party better.

For IDIOT, the dad whose son saw the trans porn he jacked off to:

The only outrageous behavior by anyone in this play was the wife committing domestic violence by hitting the husband. Hitting a partner isn't OK, even if you are really really mad. I appreciate that Dan pointed this out, but I wonder, had it been a man hitting a woman, would he have counseled her to dump her abuser, or at least require him to seek help and counseling? "She shouldn't have done that" is an inadequate response.

On the porn situation, stop freaking out. The only damage to the kid is seeing their parents freak out, and even commit violence. Most kids are pretty sensitive to the moods of their parents, this kid maybe more than average, and I'm sure these parents are causing a lot of fear in their kid, nothing to do with the porn.

And:

So much more damage being done that kid right now from his overbearing, anxious and angry parents than any porn clip. Little kids with anxiety problems learn that shit at home. I have a good friend with young kids. When he was expecting his first, I asked him if he was freaking out. His response was, "Nah, we're going to screw a bunch of stuff up and the kid will most likely turn out fine." He's kept that attitude, and it's such a breath of fresh air. Wish more parents were that way. IDIOT and his wife need to practice relaxing. Like, a lot.

And:

Dan, I loved your advice to IDIOT about his gender-curious son accidentally seeing a video of a trans woman stroking her penis. "Chill the fuck out," is such good parenting advice, I think I'm going to write it into every, "Welcome, Baby!" card I sign from now on.

So, five years-ago, my 8 year-old told me she was bi, and I kinda responded with "uhhhh...." I fell into a parenting shame spiral, assuming that my lack of supportive words was somehow going to scar her for life. I wrote you, you told me to chill the fuck out. And that was exactly what I needed, so thanks. And life update:

I've been thoughtful about not making assumptions when we talk about sex and dating. She's used both male and female pronouns when talking about who she wants to date when she's older. She really loves Elena from One Day at a Time. And Holtzman from Ghostbusters. She freaked out when I suggested we go see Love, Simon, because she thought I "wouldn't approve of a movie about a kid coming out." Which is weird, because I have been buying her YA novels with gay protagonists, which I suspect is not what moms do if they disapprove of homosexuality.

Last week, we were watching a movie with a teen pregnancy. I started a mom lecture about birth control options. She rolled her eyes then se started laughing, "You know this doesn't even apply to me, because I'm bi, right?" I reminded her that she told me that a long time ago. I also told her that bi girls can still get pregnant if they have sex with a guy. "I've never really liked a boy. But boys in middle school are all generally disgusting. I'm hoping it gets better and they get less gross over time."

On a post I wrote about non-monogamy and Daniel Ortberg:

I fully understand you can be faithful and in an open relationship. However, bringing Daniel Ortberg’s live chat into your article was unnecessary and a little mean even with all the disclaimers about your jet lag and how Daniel didn’t intend his faux pas.

You called out an advice columnist, with far less experience than you, for using the wrong word during a live chat when there is very little time to proof read and edit. In my view it was a very forgivable offence and did not deserve a public telling off.

Um... that post wasn't a "public telling off." I like Daniel Ortberg and said so. It was a public quibble. For future reference, this was a public telling off.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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