I'm jealous of my partner's sexual past. We're in a perfectly functional, rewarding, and loving relationship. Our sex is okay, if vanilla, predictable, and less frequent than I'd prefer. (We've discussed.) My partner, almost twenty years my junior, seems to want nothing to do with further exploring her considerably more adventurous sexual escapades that she participated in prior to our relationship germinating four years ago. I've never enjoyed any similar indulgences (threesomes, sex parties, swinging) and thus, I find myself in a rather dour mood when she casually references her past in conversation. I can't stop thinking about what kinds of fun she must have had and why I don't get to enjoy this very experience(s) with her though exes did. How do I get over this? It's draining, but it's not easy to let go of even though things with us are mostly going well.

Lost Over Sexual Experiences Ruminated

Did your partner enjoy those sexual escapades—the threesomes, swinging, sex parties—or was she doing these things to please past partners?

Sometimes people go on sexual “adventures” that aren’t their idea and aren’t anything they’ve ever fantasized about in order to please a partner. This can work out for everyone—something clicks and the person who was just tagging along and/or doing the indulging has as good a time (or better) than the person whose idea it was—but sometimes it doesn’t click and the person doing the adventuring/indulging to please a partner can have an experience that falls somewhere along the meh-to-traumatizing spectrum.

So I’d be interested to know how your girlfriend feels about these past sexual escapades—not just that she remembers these escapades and sometimes talks about them but how these escapades went down then and how that might impact the way she feels about them now.

It's possible she loved every threesome, every time she swung, and every sex party, LOSER, but if these adventures took place in the context of unstable or unhappy relationships she may have formed an association between these sorts of adventures and stress, conflict, and short-lived relationships. And now, four years into your stable relationship, she may associate okay-if-vanilla-and-infrequent sex with stability and commitment and intimacy. The only way to prove to her that she can have adventures and stability, commitment, and intimacy too is to have an adventures or three in the context of a loving, committed relationship.

Finally, LOSER, you mention her mentioning these past sexual escapades and you mention how these mentions make you feel, LOSER, but you don't mention telling your girlfriend that you want to have similar adventures. If all you've discussed with her is the frequency and vanilla issues and not your desire to enjoy some of the same sexual escapades she did—sexual
adventures you want to have not with just anyone, but with her—you have no way of knowing whether she'd be up for having these adventures with you.

So if you haven't expressed a desire to have a threesome or swing or go to a sex party—if all you've done is sulk when she casually references her past—she may be operating under the assumption that you aren't interested in those things and don't much like hearing about them. If you haven't used your words, LOSER, now would be a good time to start.