How Can I Give My Straight Boyfriend the Gay Blowjob He Secretly Yearns For?

Savage Love Letter of the Day

Comments

1

BLOW’s response to @Dan could be read as separate, quick thoughts, but they could also be read as a logical progression, which might make for more meaningful analysis.

Situation, “my boyfriend is seeking out men for oral sex.” Result, “I feel so betrayed.” Reason, “I thought we had a wonderful sex life.” Resolution, “Is there something that maybe I could do to satisfy this curiosity?”

If BLOW ultimately feels that the crisis of the relationship is that she learned her boyfriend isn’t entirely satisfied sexually, rather than his potential cheating or possible bisexuality, there is tremendous opportunity for them to explore new experiences together, including some MFM for BLOW. Of course, Mr. BLOW needs to be honest about what he has been up to and why, and be genuinely remorseful about his behavior.

Naturally, I’m interested to know why we did hear whether BLOW blows.

2

If BLOW is already providing blow jobs, then it seems likely that BLOW's bf is actually looking to suck cock.

They've been together eight years. If she feels they otherwise have a great relationship, she might keep in mind that it can be difficult in our culture for men to admit to any bisexuality at all. And that sucking cock is not risk-free, but it's also not super risky.

One thing she could propose, short of having him actually experiment with guys, is incorporating some dirty talk about blow jobs into their sex life. Can she tease him during sex about how she loves her nasty cocksucking boyfriend? If so, she may find that his excitement turns her on. These things can be fun to explore.

On the other hand, if the relationship has already been struggling, then it may be time to put it out of its misery.

3

[some women love watching their bi boyfriends get with other dudes]

...because, if the OSM is hot enough, there's no SSM in existence who wouldn't be way too eager to service the OSM to have any distaste for being watched by an OSF?

I wish people in general would give an outside M dallied with by either half of an OS couple the same consideration and kind treatment they are willing to bestow to an outside F.

4

LW feels betrayed and insufficient. This is a clear case of what we call "cognitive dissonance"

Basically, she has a few options:

1 - Allow him to get blowjobs from other dudes

2 - Role Play as a gay/bi dude who wants to suck some straight cock

3 - Tell the BF that outside BJ's are a no-no in their relationship, no ifs ands or eventually butts, and that the BF will have to agree to that or agree to break up

4 - Break up proactively.

I don't see any of these options as being better or worse than the other. LW just needs to pick her lane, and drive down it.

5

So what is the answer, is she giving blowjobs?

If not then I wonder if getting blown by a man in his mind amounts to not actually cheating. Or maybe an excuse to use to claim it is not cheating.

6

Dan tried valiantly to get the LW to appreciate the kink potential of this situation... but alas, it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

7

The headline is possibly misleading; as LW seems to be way more “betrayed” than “how can I give.”
It could also be very helpful to know whether oral sex is indeed an integral part of their sex life, and if the Mr. is into giving or receiving from a man.

8

The title of this piece, "How Can I Give My Straight Boyfriend the Gay Blowjob He Secretly Yearns For?" got my pulse racing.

I once had an amazing blowjob, probably the best of my life, from an ex-girlfriend with whom I'd reconnected after decades. She was married, and didn't want to fuck, but we spent an afternoon in a hotel, with her lavishing my cock with all manner of enthusiastic oral attention. No attention was paid to me. It was all about the cock (my lucky cock) and her ravenous mouth.

Later, I told (bragged to) a gay friend all about it. He told me that's exactly how gay men feel about cock, and how they deliver blowjobs. I became a big fan of gay blowjobs, albeit delivered by women.

9

After eight years you MUST have blown this dude a couple hundred times. Either A) you suck at sucking and haven't been willing to learn how to do it (this seems unlikely, but the world is big and women who don't like sucking cock aren't exactly rare) or B) You're a girl & he wants a guy 'cause: gay or bi (or at the least bi-curious). So, like Dan says, how do you feel about having a bi boyfriend? My guess is B, 'cause straight guys who have girlfriends who are bad at sex don't say, "Hey! Candice can't suck dick for shit! I think I'll let Bob have a go at it!"

10

If it were a matter of the quality / quantity of blow jobs, he would not be out seeking it online from men specifically. He'd be seeking it from women. I can see a scenario in which a straight man who would rather seek a good and/or frequent blow jobs from skilled women would get frustrated and take it instead from a gay/bi man since it's easier and if he found himself in a situation where a guy was more than willing to suck his cock, I can see a "why not" attitude. But this is a dude that joined an online site specifically to look for oral sex from other dudes- so the situation here is that he's seeking a man. That has nothing to do with whether or not his current GF gives good and/or frequent blow jobs- if it were, perhaps he'd have joined an online hookup site seeking women to blow him. That's not what he wants- it's about the man. Agree with Donny here and most likely Erica too. Possibly he's just curious but the point is that he's curious about a man. Also I agree with fubar- and it reminds me of a conversation we had a long time ago about replacing the job with the fun after the blow and how many straight people think of a blow job as requiring "to completion" without the assistance of hands or moving on to something else. I think we need to change this- the pressure to have to finish it and frustration if the guy doesn't cum from the head bobbing takes a lot of the fun out of it and I think prevents many women from starting in the first place, whereas the enthusiasm and fun comes without this pressure- if the guy does cum that's great but if he needs to lend a hand, that's OK too, and if it gets boring after a bit and moves on to other things, that's fine also, and if this attitude could become more the norm, I think women would be giving more blow jobs. What I found when I was younger was that the expectation was, once you start, you keep it up until they cum, and sometimes it doesn't happen and then the mood turns negative or tedious. If it's a challenge (you have to be very good at this and make me cum) then the partner is likely to be reluctant to keep trying and then never get good at it. I bring this up because the attitude above seems to be a combination of "you need enthusiasm" and "she's probably not good at it" which one prevents the other, etc.

As for the betrayal, yes it's shitty, and yes he's a lying piece of shit.

11

Sporty, what does any of that have to do with cognitive dissonance?

12

As for appreciating kink potential vs feeling betrayed, I wish we would not confuse the two.

If my husband were to come to me saying he wanted to do any number of things, my response might range from excitement to disgust, but I'd approach the conversation with as much an open mind as possible and appreciation for the kink potential would waver depending on that. On the other hand, if I were to discover that my husband has been lying to me about something that I would have otherwise found very exciting if he'd told me about it honestly, I'd feel betrayed and hurt. These are not the same things. She might appreciate the kink potential if he'd have had the courage to be honest.

13

You feel betrayed LW because you have been betrayed. Surprising, eh.
Dump the bastard now. Wtf is wrong with you young women? Get the fuck away from a lying cheating man as soon as you find out that's who he is. Be brave. Stand tall. And kick those sorts of men way over yonder. There's good non lying non cheating men out there. Find one.

14

While I like Dan's very THOROUGH answer, covering literally every base and then some . . . The headline question is very simply answered - If you're a woman, YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT A GAY MAN! Sorry about that.

I'm not going to get into the whole "gay guys do it better because we know what we're doing" because that's an awful lot of supposition, among other things. Some guys give GREAT head, some don't; besides which, it's also a subjective experience. It would appear, in this case, that he's at least WONDERING if a gay man's blow job is somehow better or different than his girlfriend.

At the end of it all, Dan's absolutely on target - Girl, use your words. You won't find answers, either the ones you want to hear or the ones you don't, if you don't talk to your boyfriend. Just sayin' . . .

15

Yeah @14, tell him to piss off. There's words for you.

16

Boyfriend of 8 years? I'd move on.

17

@9 DonnyK: A couple hundred blowjobs in 8 years? That's an average of two times per month. That sounds like a lot. Or maybe it was once a week for the first 4 years and then never again? That still sounds like a lot for 4 years.

18

@10 EmmaLiz: If you think it's as easy to get random, NSA blowjobs from women as it is from gay dudes, you obviously haven't been reading Savage Love for very long. Spend 5 minutes on Craigslist, and you will realize that the latter outnumbers the former by an absurd amount.

@17 Ankylosaurus: If you are actually right about 'standard heterosexual blowjob frequency', it lends a HUGE amount of credence to the 'LW just wants more blowjobs' theory. If that's his blowjob rate, it's not at all surprising that he's interested in more, no matter how good LW is.

19

@2 You are right: The bf may intrigued by the idea of sucking cock, and not just getting more blow-jobs. Moreover, the desire to suck cock may be harder for him to admit to his gf.

20

There are quite a few "eithers" here.

"He is wanting to meet a man to have oral sex with." -- Does that mean he wants to receive head from a man, give head to a man, or both?

If he wants to give head to a man, then he's not straight. He's bicurious, heteroflexible, or bisexual. Like Dan said: Can you accept being with a man who's somewhere on the bi spectrum?

If he only wants a no-recip blowjob, the question becomes: Are you giving him blowjobs? If yes, then don't worry about what is "missing" from your sex life. Nothing is missing. One theory is that he's curious to find out whether men suck cock better than women do, having cocks themselves. The only way to find this out is to let a man suck his cock. (It's possible that BLOW's blowjobs aren't great; perhaps she's constrained by an inability to deep-throat, for instance, and Mr BLOW thinks that a man could. Or he just wants someone to do that, and he thinks a man would be a better source of a no-strings, no-recip deep-throating than a woman would be.)

"Is there something that maybe I could do to satisfy this curiosity?" Well, you could join in. Again, like Dan said, MMF threesomes can be wonderful fun; some of us find watching guys suck each other's dicks HOT. Perhaps BLOW could watch some gay porn and see if she's turned on. If so, perhaps she could lead with this when she speaks to her boyfriend: "Hey honey, I recently stumbled [ahem] across your Grindr profile. You never told me this was something you were interested in, but I'd love to watch you with another guy! Think we can arrange this?"

21

EricaP @2: She could also get a strap-on and have him practice sucking cock on her.

Emma @10: "If it were a matter of the quality / quantity of blow jobs, he would not be out seeking it online from men specifically. He'd be seeking it from women." I don't necessarily agree. See Fubar's post @8. Enthusiastic, unreciprocated, no-strings blowjobs are something that for most women are a big ask, but for many queer men are a dream come true. If he wants someone to suck him off then leave, no expectations, no drama, it's either a sex worker or a gay dude. Also, as some have said, he might consider a blowjob from another woman cheating, but a blowjob from a guy less so, as there would be no chance of emotional attachment.

Also, perhaps BLOW's definition of a blowjob is like your revised one -- do it for a while then move onto other things -- and what Mr BLOW really wants is a blowjob to completion, just for variety.

Emma @12: Nailed it.

Lava @13: BLOW never gave her age.

JCRascal @14: Funny, I thought the answer to the headline question was obvious: "With an MMF threesome."

Ankyl @17: Two blowjobs a month doesn't sound excessive, particularly if we're using EmmaLiz's definition of "blowjob" as not requiring completion. In fact, if I only had my partner's cock in my mouth twice a month, something would seem strange about that.

22

True Fan. She writes like a young woman, don't you think?

23

The issue should not be whether the LW gives her bf blowjobs partial or to completion. Her bf of eight yrs has hidden from her a sexual secret, which is a pretty big one. For a woman. Thinking she's in an eight yr long monogamous relationship. Such mistrust and deception, he's not in the intimacy so why should she stay, appeasing him and his lie.
He had his chance to tell her up front about his fantasies/ desires, and to trust she would have loved him enough to work it thru with him. I hold lies like this on a par with a man hitting a woman.. let one pass, it just gets bigger.

24

Lava @22: She's probably younger than you are, and probably younger than I am too. But she's been in a relationship for eight years, so she can't be that much of a baby. I think a woman of any age would be shocked by this discovery.

Lava @23: There are two issues. As both Dan and EmmaLiz discussed, one issue is that he's hiding something. I don't think there's any conclusive evidence that BLOW isn't in an eight-year monogamous relationship, or that he's told any lies. Perhaps he's met someone off this app, perhaps he hasn't; perhaps he intends to, perhaps he doesn't. All we know is that he had fantasies he didn't tell her about. And why would he, if they don't involve her? Yes, it seems a breach of intimacy that he wouldn't share his bicuriosity with his long-term partner, and that's why she feels so betrayed. But there's still a massive stigma against (male, at least) bisexuality. Assuming all he's done is window shop, and depending on her level of queer tolerance*, I'm inclined to cut him a break for feeling too ashamed of these desires to share them with her.
*She must be reasonably queer tolerant as (a) she wrote to Dan and (b) she didn't jump straight to "OMG my boyfriend is GAAAAY."

Now, if it transpires he HAS been meeting men off this app, that is a different matter entirely and I am completely with you on the DTMFCPOSA (dump the motherfucking cheating piece of shit already).

25

I'm kind of down with the not getting enough blowjobs concept here. I know that my wife and I went through a long phase where there was no oral for me (12 years). I later found out that it was due to one experience I don't even remember where she nicked me with a tooth, saw the pain on my face and vowed never to do that again.

He may not be bi or bi curious at all, but getting the bj you long for, from a no recip CL guy is "safer" to the relationship than trying to find another girl to do it, since that girl would at least be in the category he might date, whereas a random CL dude isn't. AND she probably wouldn't be "no recip" so that puts him further into the category of cpos. #dudelogic

Interestingly, in my case, the free flowing blow job train didn't return until we started swinging, where blow jobs are kind of the appetizer, along with some recip for the ladies, of course. Someone else "nicked" me, and my wife got to see that I wasn't phased at all, and kept going. At that point she realized that stuff like that just happens and you roll with it.

All those no bj years were tough. We still don't treat a blow job as an end to itself but rather just to get things going.

For anyone who might be wondering, I'm a huge fan of being on the giving end or oral, never stopped, even in the no bj years, and still consider it one of my favorite things to do.

26

As to whether a putatively straight guy would seek out blowjobs from a man, I dug out this letter from the Savage Love archive: https://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=184947

Also agree with @24/BiDanFan about the stigma factor, which drives bi-curious men underground. While that doesn't absolve cheating, at least intellectually, I get why this happens. Although Bi and I have disagreed on this point in the past, I've never known a man turned off by the idea of his female partner sexually engaged with another woman, or questioning her femininity, but in the US, many people are still questioning whether 6' 5" 265 lbs. gay men are manly enough to play in the NFL.

27

@18 Where did I say it was as easy to get a random NSA blowjob from a woman as a man and what does that have to do with this situation?

@ BDF but also just about everyone- If he's a straight man and he wants all those things, he would be seeking them from women. (First off, we don't know that he wants those things- that is supposed- the only thing we know is he is seeking oral sex with men). Seeking them from women does not mean he would find it or that it would be easy. But note he is not seeking them from women. He is seeking oral sex with a man. Not with a man or a woman. Not asking for these supposed blow jobs generally and taking it from whoever offers (which would be more likely to be a man). Also not seeking it from a female sex worker. Not from a fetish website where he'd be more likley to find a woman. He is deliberately seeking a men.

Second, there are loads of straight men out there who would love more NSA casual sex -especially something like a blow job that requires nothing. In fact, I'd guess almost all straight men want more of this. They could all easily have sex with men and even get their dicks sucked. And yet most don't seek sex with men because they are straight. Again, the point here is that this man is seeking sex with men- not sex with anyone and then stumbles into offers from men that he takes out of lack of other offers- he is seeking sex with men. I don't know why everyone is pretending like this doesn't make him bicurious at the least.

Third, regarding her not freaking out "OMG my man is gaaaayyyy"- I'm saying she should be. (Bi, not gay, but still). And for the reasons Lava named. Not because him being bi shouldn't be welcomed by the GF (and you are right, she said nothing that makes it sound like she is homophobic) but because he's lying about it. To her and probably to himself, and based on the attitudes of posters here, it's a pretty common delusion. Look at these excuses- Oh no it's totally fine for a straight man to deliberately seek another man to suck his cock because the girlfriend maybe isn't good at it, maybe she doens't do it enough, maybe he wants this specific kind of blow job, etc every excuse except the obvious one- that he wants to have oral sex with a MAN which happens to be the thing he is asking for and the information that we actually know- and he's LYING about it to his girlfriend who A) had no idea he was seeking sex elsewhere and B) had no idea he was bi. That's all on him- not her, not the difficulties of finding a woman who will give a certain type of NSA nonreciprocated bj, etc.

28

What I'm saying in short is that this is another example of a man's behavior being blamed on a woman. This is his girlfriend who has sex with him. This man is seeking sex from men- and lying to her about it. These are the only facts we know, and everyone here is going on about how the girlfriend probably isn't good at blow jobs, how it's hard to find women who will give NSA blow jobs, how she probably doesn't do it enough, every excuse possible and still this doesn't explain why he is exclusively seeking men- twisting yourselves into pretzels rather than just looking at the obvious thing: This is a bi man who wants to have sex with men and he's lying to his GF about it.

29

Seriously I had to go back and re-read to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting (which I do sometimes, especially depending on how much I drink) but I find it REALLY FUCKING BIZARRE how basically all of you read the sentence "he is wanting to meet a man to have oral sex with" and instead see the sentence "he is searching for a casual NSA blow job preferably from a woman but they are harder to find and not good at it so he's open to meeting men if they will just suck his dick".

He's not on that site as M4A. He's M4M. And nowhere did she say he was looking for an NSA unreciprocated long blow job in which a man suck his cock. She says he's looking for a man to have oral sex with.

Donny is right that it's likely his B and Erica is probably right too. And Lava is right that he's a lying piece of shit. And the GF's openness to the kink potential or her acceptance of a bi boyfriend is not something we can criticize as her fucking boyfriend is lying to her about either his kinks or his sexuality, and speculations about her skill level or how hard it is to find ANOTHER woman to suck your dick (when you already have one) are all irrelevant. Really fires me up, this is so frustrating.

30

@lava 23

Yes I agree with that. To clarify, I was referring to Fubar's story which made me think of an earlier conversation we had on SL regarding expectations from blow jobs and how they might make some women less enthusiastic about giving them. I was not referring to the LW's situation there. Just that blow jobs in general could be a lot more fun and I think straight men would get them from their female partners more frequently if it could be more about the play and less about trying to get the guy to cum.

31

Under thirty five is young to me Fan. Her feelings of betrayal point to monogamy, to me it does. Yes. I've made assumptions, and if there was a baby/ children involved, my response would be different. Try to work it out blah blah. No kids here, so why stay when the trust is broken? Oh but I love him blah blah blah.

32

@EmmaLiz: BLOW hasn’t spoken to her boyfriend, so her statement isn’t relevant to know what has motivated her boyfriend to seek out blowjobs from men. So I think we’re entitled to make a variety of suppositions, one of which is that he is bi-curious, and another that obtaining oral sex from a man is vastly easier than from a woman, and some of those men will be interested in no recip blowjobs. Presenting these possibilities to BLOW is important so that she doesn’t jump to any one conclusion.

33

Very true SA, and if this man's only sin is downloading an app, and not having spend the last five years cruising bars, how can the LW know. It's the doubt that can start to enter the mind, and she needs to ask him straight.

34

EL @ 30
“Really fires me up, this is so frustrating.”
All those questions were asked before, I personally raised them @ 7 and wasn’t the only one. We work with what we have.

Lava @ 31
So the cut off is 35? Few months ago 38 was still a confused young man.

35

@Sublime, the problem with the second assumption is that the LW's BF is specifically seeking men. Not men and women and then going with men because they are easier. It is a huge stretch based on nothing suggested in the letter that the BF prefers sex with women but not being able to find it decides to have sex with men. That is not what is stated here so it's weird to assume a less likely thing with no evidence rather than a likely thing with evidence- the BF is seeking oral sex with men. That's what we know. We know also that he already gets sex with a woman. And nowhere does it say he's looking to be given a blow job. That he's seeking oral sex with men does not mean he's seeking an unreciprocated blow job. That's a shit load of unnecessary extrapolation just to avoid the simpler explanation- that the LW is seeking oral sex with men because he wants to have oral sex with men,

36

@11 Betrayal and Feeling Insufficient are fundamentally incompatible - one explains the other.

@25 12. In a row?

37

@CMD

First off, raising those questions is irrelevant to the fact that the LW's BF has been lying to her. His sexuality is relevant to how she should proceed if she can get over the lying. If he's bi and she's cool with that and can get over the lying, they could potentially have a lot of fun if he can learn to be honest with himself and with her.

But I'm calling out the ludicrous blaming of the woman here- well this guy might be out seeking unreciprocated blow jobs online from men because his girlfriend doesn't suck his dick frequently enough or she's not good at it and try as he might he just can't find a woman to do it, etc etc etc- not a single thing about that is mentioned in the letter. All we know is that the LW says they have a wonderful sex life and that he is seeking oral sex with men. So it's not working with what we have- it's making shit up that isn't there.

Third, even if it is true that the girlfriend doesn't suck his cock or is very bad at it, then why would it follow that he therefore goes online and seeks for men to suck his cock? I mean, for most straight guys, there would be a million other options that would occur to them first, including seeking other women (remember that I'm not saying that this is easy, but the point is he's not even seeking women so the difficulty of finding them is irrelevant- but even on top of this, it's not impossible- plenty of guys find women to suck their dicks), hiring a sex worker, having an affair, breaking up with your girlfriend if she refuses oral sex altogether, or instead of searching for men- having a conversation with your girlfriend about how you want your dick sucked- none of these by far more common responses to unsatisfactory sex lives are being discussed here. Insteaad it's all "oh he's seeking an NSA unreciprocated blow job and lying about it because the women he really wants can't be found and his girlfriend won't blow him" which is A) not substantiated by anything in the letter, B) in contradiction with some aspects of the letter, C) overly complicated. Also I think it's a little offensive to both women and bi people- like why try to blame this on a woman as an excuse rather than accepting that the dude is bi? Because you know what sorts of men with wonderful sex lives with a woman DO seek to have oral sex with other men? Bi men, for chrissakes.

38

@Sporty, I don't know why those feelings are incompatible with one another, but even if they are, I still don't know what this has to do with cognitive dissonance.

39

Because you know what makes it ESPECIALLY difficult to find sex online with women? If you post looking specifically for sex with men. See?

I'm not saying it's easy to find sex with women. I'm saying that if you are looking specifically for sex with men, you will absolutely certainly not find sex with women. So to extrapolate that a man is posting looking for sex with men because he's in some past not mentioned in the letter previously looked for sex with women but couldn't find it and then became frustrated and therefore started looking for sex with men exclusively is just really fucking weird and I don't know why people are suggesting this.

Likewise, it's really fucking weird to make up a story where a guy is like "oh my girlfriend isn't good at blow jobs " again not mentioned in the letter but let's pretend it is. If a guy is like "my girlfriend is terrible at blow jobs" it's really weird to think his next idea is going to be "I guess since my girlfriend is bad a blow jobs, I have to find a man to suck my dick now". I mean, what?

And finally, all the discussion about NSA nonreciprocated casual blow jobs- the idea that this man is looking for a man to just suck him off and go- that is ALSO not mentioned in the letter which states he is looking for a man to have oral sex with. Not a man to blow him once. But a man to have oral sex with. So, yet another assumption unsubstantiated to think he wants a man to blow him and nothing else.

All of this just to let the guy be straight and let it be because of his sexual frustrations with lack of quality or quantity of oral sex with women? Why?

40

EL- I can only speak for myself. As such I'll refer you to my first sentence @ 7, indicating my assumption that LW is possibly way more offended with the secrecy/betrayal than the act itself.
I think Dan gave this thread a way too sensational headline, which may have resulted in all kinds of speculations.

41

@35/EmmaLiz: But we still haven’t learned whether BLOW blows, and why her boyfriend is seeking blow jobs. If, like the man in the former column to which I linked, BLOW’s boyfriend isn’t getting head at home, we do know that it is far easier for him to get head from a man than a woman. And if BLOW’s boyfriend is looking for something discrete and fast, he may have discovered men as a rich supply of no recip blow jobs. And as was pointed out by others above, he may not view that as cheating, even if that perspective is self-serving and irrational, which is further reason why he is not searching out female partners.

42

WOW, E-L....ten or so responses. I'm almost sensing a bit of anger.. with a story behind it, so if there is one, would you be kind enough to share it? FIrst off.. WHO lied? Do we know that Mr. Blow ever presented himself as 100% hetero? or did his GF.. just assume it? That they've been in an allegedly monogamous hetero relationship... doesn't make HIM de facto hetero... only his actions with her.. and there's a difference. And if his ORIENTATION.. has always been less than 100% hetero, is he/was he under an obligation to so disclose unprompted? DId Ms. Blow.. have a right to assume he was 100% hetero if she never asked him? Seems also like you're reading a lot into Ms. BLow's statement that her bf is "seeking out men for oral sex" being a reciprocal event vs non reciprocal. If anyone is making unsubstantiated assumptions here, may I suggest it's you? So do please tell us. what's your real beef here?

43

Ankylo@17 ~ "A couple hundred blowjobs in 8 years?" 8 years x 52 weeks = 416 weeks if they're having sex only once a week & I assume she must suck his dick (at least a little) 50% of the time that would be a conservative couple hundred. In my book, I count it as a "blowjob" if you get your dick sucked even a little.

44

@42, Are You Serious! This is an eight yr relationship, not a one night stand.

45

Atlanta Joe, maybe you are new here, but the only story is that I'm characteristically long winded and insufferable, especially when it comes to people lying and blaming guys' behavior on women.

But even in that context, it's incredibly stupid for you to argue the possibility that the girlfriend of eight years was being presumptuous when she said her partner is straight.

46

@34. CMD, oh dear. You are so pedantic. Loosen up sister.
This writer is obviously a young woman.
'Oh Dan, how can I fill in for a man sucking cock,' those are the fantasy words of a young woman. An older woman would know she can't, and that's still not the point here. The deceit is. The erosion of trust is. The corruption of what the LW believed was her life with this man is.
Let's hope he's got a good story and she a big heart.
Gay men as they write responses here, forget that in hetro couples, there is a woman. A sexual partner they know nothing about. No lived experience, or not much, and women are allowed to be not men.

47

@Donnyk @BDF et al: Yes, you're right that my surprise at the "of course it's at least this much" number was because I was thinking of "blowjob" and the past perfect participle (?) "must have blown" as a start-to-orgasm thing. Like a blowjob is a subset of the broader oral sex category. Also because I assumed the boyfriend is seeking oral sex encounters that involve orgasm -- how likely is it that he's looking for some mouth-on-penis and nobody comes and then everybody goes home?

If we're talking about any mouth-penis contact, I withdraw my raised eyebrows at the proposed numbers.

48

Sublime @26: I guess I can't disagree that YOU'VE never met a man who would be turned off by a female partner's bisexuality. :)
Sublime, I don't know your gender; if you're a man, it could be that no man would want to admit to another man that he is insecure about a girlfriend potentially turning lesbian. All men dig MFF threeways, yeah? At least that's the face they have to present to other men, otherwise their masculinity may be questioned.

Emma @27 (et al): You didn't say it was "just as easy," but you said that that's what he'd be looking for. Many men -- and quite a few lesbians, see letter 3 of the weekly column -- do opt for what's easier, and that's men.
If he is straight, maybe he had a Tinder profile up for ages looking for oral sex from women and got nowhere, so figured he'd turn to men. We don't know what hookup apps BLOW didn't find. Also perhaps he can't afford to pay sex workers, or perhaps he used to but "got priced out," like another recent LW. See Coolie's post @25 -- there are reasons a straight man would specifically seek out a man for blowjobs. I'm not going to rule out his heterosexuality based on the few facts BLOW presented. He might be straight, he might be bi. She needs to talk to him and find out.

49

Damn you SL for deleting the asterisks in the sentence, "We don't know what hookup apps BLOW * didn't * find."

50

Ankyl @47: Oh, but the "blowjobs" Mr BLOW is likely to be getting twice a month at home most probably do involve completion -- at some point in the sexual encounter. It's not a case of "my jaw's tired, I'm going to stop now and go read a book." It's a case of "let's move on to other potential orgasm-inducing activities." Agree that anyone seeking blowjobs only, rather than blowjobs-as-foreplay, would want their partner to see the "job" through.

51

@Sportlandia "@25 12. In a row?"

Yep. Parenting young kids as well so we were pretty tired all the time too. We were lucky to keep up maintenance sex. Just get off as quickly as we could and get some sleep. We are coming to the end of the parenting phase and should have some more time in the near future to take our time and I think that will lead to some standalone blowjobs as opposed to just as an opener. And some standalone oral for her too, then a bit of a rest and round 2!

52

Lava @ 46
I was only inquiring about the seemingly loosening up of the age cut off. Wondering why I deserve the rest of the scolding.

53

You pissed me off CMD, that's why. You think you can snark someone and not get a response? Thirty five or thirty seven, not much difference between the two, and you comment on it. I should have gone with my first response, which was to ignore you.

54

BDF, while all that is possible, I'm just looking for an acknowledgement that you are building an elaborate scenario to make him not bi. It requires: A) that the LW is not already giving blow jobs or that she's not good at it, B) that the LW's bf has looked for bjs from women and then not found them and so therefore started to exclusively seek from men, and C) that the LW's bf is seeking to receive nonrecip NSA oral even though that's not what he asked for. Coolie's post above also assumes these things (at least A and C). And while of course we assume all sorts of things about people's relationships (or wonder about them, speculate) and this is normal since we don't have all the facts, we usually expect to work with the info we have. And the info we have is that he has a gf with whom he has a wonderful sex life and yet he's seeking to find a man to have oral sex with. So it's weird to avoid the simplest scenario which does not contradict the info in the letter to create an elaborate scenario that does contradict it, and I wonder at the motivation which seems to be to explain away the bf's lying by blaming it on women. Poor guy, girls won't suck his dick, not even his gf, and he must therefore seek it from horny eager boys who will blow and go. There's nothing in the letter to support any of that.

55

Emma @54: I'm just pointing out that - you - don't accept any possibility whatsoever that he isn't bi. There is meagre information in the letter, and several commenters have offered perfectly reasonable explanations to why a straight guy might do this. I'm not saying he is straight; I'm saying it can't be ruled out. There's nothing in the letter that DOESN'T support the possibility that he's just a head-deprived straight boy. It's more LIKELY he's bi, sure, but it's far from definite.

If you want an acknolwedgement of the fact that he may be bi, see my very first comment @20.

56

EmmaLiz, I'm sharing Atlanta Joe's perplex... perplexity? Perplexedness?... er, bewilderment at the level of anger and adamance in your repeated posts. I suspect this may be hitting a nerve. If so... I'm sorry you had that experience. But it's not necessarily BLOW and her partner's experience.

57

Lava @ 52
I was referring to the difference between 35 and 37, not 38. Yes, I am indeed pedantic though not sure I'm the one who needs to loosen up, sister.

58

Mizz Liz - You in #54: [And the info we have is that he has a gf with whom he has a wonderful sex life and yet he's seeking to find a man to have oral sex with.]

LW: [I don't know what to do. I recently discovered that my boyfriend of eight years has joined an online dating (hookup) site. He is wanting to meet a man to have oral sex with. He is straight. How do I deal with this?] and [I feel so betrayed. I thought we had a wonderful sex life. Is there something that maybe I could do to satisfy this curiosity?]

That is all the evidence we have. LW has testified that she thought they had a wonderful sex life. Did he give her reason to believe that? Maybe. Is she just the sort of woman who thinks "Happy Wife, Happy Life" is universal, and just assumed that her own happiness meant he was just as happy? Maybe. It's just as plausible. (It reminds me of the survey Ms Landers once ran asking married people whether they would marry each other again. One wife wrote, "A great big YES!" for various reasons. Her husband, who mailed the postcard, added, "Never. Death can't come too soon.") If you were to send this case to the Jury now without further evidence, even Mr Justice Bullingham might sum up for the Defence, as he did in "Rumpole and the Man of God".

And don't think I'm siding with BF. I'm half inclined to sentence the couple to a Covenant Marriage Yesterday. If I'm on anyone's side, it's the side of the poor unreciprocated providers of oral, whom I almost want to tell that, unless this is really-really-REALLY their kink, they can do better - unless, of course, they're the SS version of incels.

59

@56 Fan, hands up any hetro woman this behaviour doesn't resonate with. A man who deceived. I thought it a great post EmmaLiz @54.
Who gives a flying fruit bat whether this guy is getting sucked off or not. He lied. He hid. A whole part of himself to a woman who has given her energy to him for eight years. Didn't trust her enough, or see their connection needed it.
Isn't that your point Atlanta Joe, a man doesn't have to share all. Yes he does. If he wants marriage. If he wants a woman to give her energy to their shared enterprise. Yes he fucking does.

60

Yes, these two are not married. Eight yrs is still a hefty investment of heart and life. And this girl wants to satisfy him rather than leave him.

61

As a guy, I should maybe just point out that we don't need to be head-deprived to want outside head; likewise with other activities. Especially after eight years, there doesn't have to be a reason for wanting variety. I'm sorry if this is a shock but wanting variety is, for most men, the default setting.

62

@BDF

Unlike Atlanta Joe, you and I have communicated enough that I don't know why you'd think that. As if I do not regularly spend energy in post after post here arguing about all sorts of stupid and pedantic stuff including the plot of Chasing Amy or the reputations vs reality of Texan political and social demographics, etc. Don't try to make this some deep personal shit- it isn't. I just like to argue. As far as hitting a nerve, I've already answered repeatedly what bothers me about the interpretation here and it's the combo of two things I find infuriating: 1) when people lie to their partners, and 2) blaming/excusing men's behavior b/c of what women do/don't do.

You're sorry I had what experience? Don't be disingenuous.

63

BTW it's not lost on me that even though I've said several times what bothers me about this, you say you are perplexed by it, and instead of reading what I actually said bothers me about it (the simpler explanation) you create one in your mind that is not supported by anything I actually said- which is exactly what you did to the LW.

64

The conjectures back and forth in these comments make me wish we had the boyfriend's side of the story. Not justifying cheating but it would be interesting if this is something he's always wanted to do but never acted on it before getting into a relationship with this woman. Why is he now wanting to explore this side of himself? It would appear that heterosexual sex is not completely meeting all of his needs. Is it possible that increased exposure to male-male sexual relationships in movies and TV (not to mention availability of gay/bisexual oriented porn) changed his comfort level to the point he wants to explore this side of himself. In the end, society gives leeway for women to explore female-female sexuality; too bad it doesn't do the same for men...maybe he would have been able to explore his feelings and desires before he ended up in a monogamous relationship or might have felt more open to expressing his needs as they considered entering into a relationship. As it stands, they have a lot of talking to do.

65

Venn @58

Unreciprocated oral can be really hot and fun, so I'm not feeling sorry for them. There are plenty of men offering it, so if men who are blowing want to be blown, they can find that too easily enough, right?

As to the LW's bf seeking unreciprocated oral, remember this is the interpretation of commenters here- not what his gf says he's seeking. She says he's looking for a man to have oral sex with, not that he's seeking a non-reciprocated blow job. Though even if he were, I don't know why you'd feel sorry for the guys offering to do it?

66

I'm not saying the b/f may not be an asshole..BUT.. sorry EL... I just don't see that we have ANY evidence that he lied. SHE assumed they had a mutually satisfying great sex we don't know his take. And LG, yeah , 8 yrs may be a long time... but where does the assumption that this is/was leading to a marriage come into play? or for that matter, any evidence of a MUTUAL declaration of monogamy? Hell for all we know the fact that he's interested in men may have been there all along but she's failed to ask .. or acknowledge it for fear it would upset what HER version of the relationship was.....All we really know from the LW is we've got two people who've been fucking each other for 8 years, and one has now found fairly incontrovertible evidence that her self-declared BF is now on a gay app posting for someone to suck his cock...and she apparently is upset by discovering this. Anything beyond that involves a hell of a lot of speculation and assumption.... If a monogamous hetero marriage is her objective..8 years is a long time to not nail that one down... or for that matter to clarify that that is BOTH their objectives...but we don't have anything in her letter to suggest THAT either. Is it sad? unfortunate that it's taken (her) eight years to get to this point? Probably....But we just don't have ANY evidence to suggest that HE's done anything wrong here.