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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Her neighbor hit on me in front of my son—now what should she do? She wasn't ready for love until he broke up with her. And why does he have to ask his wife about her extramarital trysts? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

In regards to It Works For Us...

In your advice to IWFU, you suggest he tip his sexworkers. Why? They set the price. Shouldn't they charge a reasonable living rate and tipping be truly optional? Historically it was in bad taste to tip the owner of the establishment. Am I wrong assuming that most sex workers nowadays are self employed? I wholeheartedly agree that clients should join the effort to destigmatize sex work.

Tipping is always optional, of course, but it's always appreciated. With so much stigma and shame heaped up on sex workers, and with Republicans and Democrats doing all they can to make the lives of sex workers more dangerous, now is a good time to demonstrate to your sex worker—self-employed or not—that you appreciate them and the work they do. And giving them a little more than they asked for is the best way to do that.

In regards to Just Seems Rude...

Recently you wrote an answer to a reader that I disagree with.
I'm sure you get a lot people thinking they know better and normally when I don't agree with your advice I simple think, "Sorry Dan, nope!" But this time it's hit a sore spot. Sorry I can't reference the letter exactly, I live in Canada and read you in my local free arts newspaper. Which I recycled and now I can't remember the publication date.

Anyways, the writer was complaining about getting told off when bumping into their partner in the kitchen. You responded by telling them that basically someone who is rude is an asshole. Well, that someone/that partner could be just like me! But I'm not an asshole! I'm finally standing up for myself! My husband gaslights me, and has for years, by bumping into me in the kitchen! (I'm not complaining, 21 yrs together, he has very few faults, we're good.) I only figured out he does this a few years ago and now I don't take it anymore.

Here's an example that happened this morning: the kids and I have been up for about an hour, hubby a few. We're all still in our spaces, kids in their rooms, me in ours, hubby's somewhere on the main floor, when one of the kids asks me for breakfast. I go downstairs to make breakfast and find hubby eating breakfast on the couch. So I ask him why he didn't make breakfast for the kids too? He says because, "They haven't come down yet."
Mmm, I'm a little annoyed and he knows it, Dan, but I'll give him a pass. We could have all still been sleeping. Fine. Okay. I start making breakfast for the kids and myself. Call the kids, get them seated, give them breakfast and go to finish mine—and here it starts!

He's heard me call the kids and knows full well what's happening in the kitchen. Now he wanders in to get a cup of coffee and gets in MY FUCKING WAY! I'm already annoyed with him for not getting the kids breakfast and now this!? So he gets told, "Get out of the way! You can GD wait for a coffee!" And now his feelings are hurt! Now he's upset with me! Now I'm the bad guy! I'm over-reacting, yelling and swearing at him, in front the kids, at 9 in the morning! But I'm not overreacting! We are not religious, the kids are all over eight years old, and I'm sure they've heard worse! Yes, it's 9 in am, can't help that, sorry! He'll say, "Over a cup of coffee, really?" To which he gets a, "YES! Really!!!" And his ass pulled aside and a talking to after breakfast!

We are raising our kids to stand up for themselves, not to move out of someone's way because that person wants something! That you call people on their bad behaviour! Because I don't play this game anymore! Or let our kids think it's OK and meekly move aside to accommodate another!

Dan just because someone is rude or short when someone gets in their way, doesn't make them an asshole. Sometimes they're just not taking any more crap!

I don't know who I feel worse for—your poor husband or the kids who have to watch this bullshit play out. I feel bad for their future partners. Thanks for writing.

In regards to AAA...



In regards to my anal standards...

I am a poly, bi, cis woman in my mid-50's, and I have been reading your column since shortly after you first were syndicated outside of the Seattle area. I have always much admired your humor and your advice, and every week, you make me feel like a little less of a freak. However, I was a little disturbed when, in response to, "You've famously said, 'Oral comes standard.' How long before anal comes standard?" you wrote, "How does a week from next Tuesday grab you?"

I am an anal sex fan. However, given the much greater inherent risks of infection and injury involved in anal versus oral sex, I see very good reasons for limiting my number of anal partners to a smaller list than my oral partners. I don't want to hand my ass out as a "standard."

I am making the implicit assumption that the person asking the question was an anal top. I just don't see a lot of anal bottoms writing, "Dean Dan, I can't get my partner to fuck my ass." Mostly, we seem to hear from anal top wannabees with partners who may understandably find themselves reluctant to give up their asses to overeager, inexperienced tops. Part of the problem is that, unlike oral sex, there can be a real lack of reciprocity with anal, particularly if the partners are straight. It's easy to say to a straight guy that if he wants a blow job, he should eat pussy. Anal doesn't really work that way.

So, I've got an idea for all of those anally horny guys. If they want to fuck ass, they should eat ass first. Having your ass eaten is a wonderful way to relax it and to get to know the amazing sexy sensations that anal stimulation can bring. How about it, guys?

Wait—there are people who don't eat ass before fucking it?

I was listening to your podcast on audible: Hot Mic, Episode 20. And you suggested a swap meet where people could exchange old sex toys instead of trashing or (!) burning them like the woman in that one story. There is a specially trained facility for recycling toys. In case you weren't already aware of it, Dan, it's here: Sex Toy Recycling. Just thought I would pass this along. Thank you for your time.

About my recent interview with Luke Burbank on Live Wire...

I heard you today on NPR. (Today being June 2, 2018.) You were asked your most "unpopular opinion" and you said "too much music." That happens to be my opinion too and, my God, you are absolutely right. Thank you for voicing it.

I thought I was the only one in the world who hates being constantly barraged by music. Everywhere you go, there it is—and it's usually the most banal shit ever. I've noticed the stores are really digging into the recycle bins to find the vinyl thrown out in the 50's and 60's. I hope I NEVER have to hear the Beatles or Michael Jackson ever again. The worst time is at Christmas, when you are forced to hear the most banal crap from the 60's, 70's. I think every band on the planet was told they had to make something for Christmas. Thus you get the Jackson Five singing about Santa, and all the stupid shit about losing teeth and gramma getting "run over by a reindeer." It's why I do all my Christmas shopping online: I don't have to hear the music in my own home.

I cannot stand it. I can't eat in an Italian restaurant anywhere with having Sinatra inflicted on me. Sports bars are notorious for having 'music' at ear-splitting decibels. It's everywhere. Airports. Gas stations. The freaking dentist's office. I am so sick of it. Thank you for letting me know I'm not the only ''wierdo who doesn't like 'music.'"

Pro-tip: unplugging speakers in restaurants is easy and fun. Sometimes you have to stand on a chair to do it, but the risks are definitely worth the rewards. And finally...

I would love to wear panties for you.

What's stopping you?