I am really struggling with an issue and am wondering if you might be able to help. I'm a married guy in my 40s. As long as I can remember, I've enjoyed getting stimulated anally. About seven years ago, I discovered trans porn, which led to fantasizing about actually having sex with a MTF trans sex worker. During a time of great personal stress, three years ago, I impulsively hired a trans SW. I really enjoyed the sex (performing oral and receiving anal), it was safe, and I got tested afterwards to be sure I didn't bring anything home. I feel horribly guilty about it. I have not told my wife. I have not done it again. I was so freaked out about the whole thing that I didn't watch porn of any kind for the better part of a year afterwards. But the fantasies crept back. The deal I've made with myself is that I must either 1) never do it again, keeping my secret to the grave or 2) confess and ask my wife's permission to explore whatever this is. I really want to choose the first option, but is it actually possible to suppress or redirect this desire? I am terrified that the second option will blow up my marriage and put my young kids in a horrible situation. My wife is definitely GGG—she has pegged me, for instance—but she can't grow a dick. Is this a price of admission I must accept? Or is it inevitable that my lizard-brain libido is going to assert its will? I am afraid of the answer.

Buckling Under Trans Temptation

Yes, it's definitely possible to suppress a desire—or to enjoy it as a fantasy and a fantasy only. It's definitely possible to watch porn and jack off about something without ever doing it (again) in real life.

And you wouldn't be alone, BUTT: there are tens if not hundreds of millions of people out there in committed, monogamous relationships paying similar prices of admission: bi women who don't get to eat pussy because they're in monogamous relationships with men, for instance, or kinksters who don't get to indulge in X, Y, or Z kink because they're in monogamous relationships with people who aren't into X, Y, or Z kink. (But hopefully aren't stupid enough to deny their partners the right to enjoy their kinks on their own solo time.) There are also lots of people out there who have to suppress their desires because they can't act on them for moral or ethical reasons, e.g., they involve children, animals, or others who can't consent and/or non-consensual acts and/or acts that cannot be consented to.

So you are not alone, BUTT, and if you were hoping I was going to say, "Your lizard-brain libido will inevitably assert its lizardy will so your resistance is futile!", well, you were mistaken.

That said, BUTT, there is another option: 3) open up to your wife about your interest in MTF porn/play without disclosing the one time when during a period "of great personal stress" you cheated on her with a sex worker. Sometimes keeping our mouths shut is most loving thing we can do in the wake of a one-off, much-regretted, lesson-learned infidelity. This isn't some radical position I hold alone; mainstream relationship advisors/professionals like Esther Perel and Emily Yoffe have endorsed the Keep Your Fucking Mouth Shut strategy. Perel often speaks about "the burden of knowing" and encourages people, in certain circumstances, to spare their partners.

"What if instead of equating respect with confessional honesty, we equated respect with the preservation of our partners' honor and peace of mind, even if that means telling gentle untruths?" Perel writes. "Not everything needs to be said and not everything needs to be known because let's face it: Truth and hostility often live side by side and not all honesty is salutary."

While your particular circumstance isn't covered in Perel's terrific new book The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, BUTT, I think it qualifies.

Finally, BUTT, you say your wife is GGG—hell, she's pegged your ass, which proves she's GGG. It seems to me that if you had a convo with your wife about pegging you, BUTT, you should be able to have a convo with her about threesomes, porn preferences, and the possibility of adding someone else with a dick to the mix—ideally as a couple BUTT, making this an adventure you can go on together this time.