My guess is, divulging is a bad, bad idea. If you must tell, I'd only half tell the truth: Say you once hooked up (knowingly) with a trans person because it's a fantasy of yours and you've been reading Savage Love so long and you see about how Hall Passes or monogamish relationships work for many normal couples and maybe that could be a feature of your relationship. I don't see any reason your wife needs to know it was a sex worker, or that it happened while you were together with her (if that's part of what you need to confess for your own inner peace, have at it).

Alternatively, sometimes 50% of the quality for 10% of the cost is a great tradeoff. Can your wife peg you more frequently? Can your wife watch porn with you as you please yourself/she pleases you/you please her? Do any of those alternatives satisfy your lizard desires, snake-person?

Thanks, PupCal. Headline fixed!

@4 also the headline doesn't really seem related to the question or the answer.

Dan you also said Ftm in the letter not just the headline

BUTT, your letter is filled with a lot of self-serving crap, so please don’t unburden yourself to your wife, unless you are willing to acknowledge that you cheated on her, and did so because you wanted to experience something for which you didn’t want to ask her permission. Spare her any story about how stress led you to cheat, or how genuinely guilty you have felt since then. That said, I’m with Dan, telling the truth to your wife may unburden your conscience, but will upend her life, and that simply compounds your failing.

BUTT, you act like you are unable to control your behavior, however, that is just not true. Your letter make clears that you agreed to a monogamous commitment, so you lost the freedom to have sex with whomever you decide. You are not a free agent able to unilaterally chart your own sexual course without the consent of your wife. So if you want to have sex with MtF partners in the future you’re going to have to obtain the permission of your wife first, and negotiate in good faith. With luck, she’ll agree under conditions that you can accept, and if not, your going to have to forego this experience in the future, or get divorced. Remember, if your wife says no to fulfilling this fantasy, that is not a personal failing on her part.

In this case, fucking someone in the past has no relevance (to your wife) to wanting to fuck someone in the future. Keep your pie-hole shut about the past, talk to wifey about the possibility of a hall pass or threesome(!) in the future. She’s at least a little pegging-kinky, maybe she’ll buy into a little extracurricular fun.

Also, "Esther Peril," as Freudian a slip as I've ever read.

Keep this one to yourself, buddy! Don't spread the misery.

While it makes sense that BUTT would feel guilty about having had sex with another person without his wife’s knowledge or consent, it also sounds like BUTT is somewhat uncomfortable with his attraction to trans women with dicks. (“I was so freaked out about the whole thing that I didn't watch porn of any kind for the better part of a year afterwards. But the fantasies crept back.”)

BUTT: trans women are women, some women have dicks, trans women with dicks are worthy of desire, and there’s nothing wrong with your attraction to or fantasies about or enjoyment of trans women with dicks.

Talking with your wife about whether this attraction can be explored in a way that works for you both is a good plan, but accepting this part of your sexuality might be the first step in framing that conversation.

NoCute @9: I too was amused by "Esther Peril."

And I hope Venn reads this one, as it would reassure his fragile ego that there are other men who don't experience pegging as equivalent to "the real thing."

Agree with Donny: A wife who's up for, or into, pegging might well watch some MtF porn with BUTT and could be up for a threesome or for swapping a hall pass for one of her own.

This personal crisis which happened three yrs ago LW, did it coincide with your wife giving birth perhaps like the man on the weekly thread?
Hate these letter where kids are just mentioned in passing and how blowing up his marriage could adversely effect them. Right. Didn't think of that before the impulse won the day.
I hate sitting with guilt, so don't know what to suggest LW. With experts like Dan and Esther Perel ( fixed it nocute), saying stfu because it was a one off, I'll not comment further. Does sound like you've already done your penance LW and if you were catholic you'd be forgiven by now.

Own up to watching the porn first, and leave it with her for a bit. Just say you came across it and it sorta turned you on and given she pegs you, it felt like a bit of a natural progression.. be casual and not guilty. You're allowed to enjoy your own porn eh? So that's just what happened.
Mention it to her then let it go, a conversation will transpire no doubt....then wait, a few weeks at least if not more.. and if she hasn't come back to you with queries, bring it up again. This will be the what you say to looking to us acting out some of my porn fantasies?
Of course if your wife has a negative reaction to your porn taste, without stopping you watching it of course as she's ggg.. you might have to let it go. Kids are here, didn't they tattoo

Sacrifice on your fore head, so every time you looked in the mirror you'd be reminded. In reverse it is true, you know what it says.

Your wife already knows you watch porn with cis women in it, LW, she's ggg and trans women are women. It's not that big a leap and you know if she loves you and has already accepted men do it different, she might be happy to join you sometime in play. She's your soul mate, yes, then open up about this hardly problematic group of fantasies.

*Delete the words soul mate. Replace with
LoveMate.

@11. 46294. Said with true justness and moderation!

'Peril' = cis-normativity = the quicksands of rote empathy. Not a good place to go.

Can the LW suppress his desires for trans women who haven't had bottom surgery? Probably not, going by the letter. Should he have to? No, not necessarily. I think he is ashamed of his desire, almost as much as last week's ABDL. There's nothing to be ashamed of. He's loved it up the ass for years in a straight context; he's curious about sucking dick; his urges don't make him gay, as he sees those he desires as female. And there would be nothing wrong in his being bi.

I agree with Dan's and others' advice about not spilling over the lapse. The issue here, further, isn't a pattern of unfaithfulness or a failure to commit. To me, the issue is more about the LW finding it inconceivable that this big part of his sexuality is something he could ever share with his wife. Why? Just because he's gone a long time without opening up about this interest doesn't mean the subject is vetoed, verboten or perpetually off-the-menu.

Ms Fan - Almost a Newmar Award. As neither end of anal was ever my thing, there's nothing directly personal in this. (And, as I said last time, I'm sure many people would prefer toys/tools, which have the advantage of being able to be custom-selected.) There is what I'll call an "over-woke" party line that goes beyond admirable recognition of certain necessities and recognition of full-capacity performance into compulsory disregard of difference and demonizing anyone who finds any difference. Mr Savage was recently dangerously close to accepting an original premise the logical conclusion of which would be to declare monosexuality a bigoted mental disease that requires conversion. At the moment, he's perilously balanced on Mr Urquhart's V-phile and P-phile terms, but, when ascendancy is gained over the LVBT Official Voice, those too will likely be declared Problematic.

In tennis terms, my position is essentially responding to the radio presenter who bristled when John McEnroe called Serena Williams the greatest female tennis player of all time and wanted him to remove the qualifier female by saying that such a standard would make it unthinkable to hail as the greatest ever anyone other than Esther Vergeer.

Interestingly, on Sunday somebody called Sr Nadal the best MALE clay-court player ever, and nobody even noticed. I recall that early last spring there was a faction still in the corner of Ms Evert by using the technicality of counting Har-Tru (the green clay used for various US tournaments, including the few years after the last US Open on grass and before the first year on hard). Some of the points in her favour still stand (her longest winning streak was 125 matches to his 85), but it would be interesting to see if the last couple of years have shifted any opinions.

Venn- considering the approaching World Cup, anything like a Neimar Award?

As a GGG wife who has pegged her husband for years, has cycled in and out of monogamy together and has zero interest in policing his porn consumption, I would absolutely divorce my husband if I found out he had not only cheated on my GGG ass, but pre-planned his cheating and paid for it with a MtF sex worker. You lie to me, gamble with my health and safety, waste our joint money on sex workers, you are out on your ass. I am always amazed at the number of comments that express zero empathy for the person cheated on. You honor whatever deal you have. You want a new deal - you own it, are honest and negotiate. If you lie, you cheat, you create health risk, you deserve to be dumped.

It is a tough one, yes@19. And the LW says he checked his health was good after and sounds like he's punished himself enough. And you guys have to account for every penny? You never sneak off and grab a new pair of shoes. I think this guy has paided his dues emotionally and sounds like he learnt. You'd throw a perfectly, otherwise, good husband in the street because he indulged a fantasy once? See, that's why it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

Very surprised that a guy with a wife willing to peg him is claiming the "unable to help himself, needs an outlet" excuse here. Being pegged by your wife is not exactly light years away from being with a post-transition or late transition trans woman. Great advice from Dan. Let this sleeping dog lie. Try asking for what you want in the present and future, you'll be astonished at what happens.

For the record, what he did was not at all cool and his excuse that he was stressed is horseshit. Him shutting his mouth about this is contingent only on him being honest moving forward. If he "just can't help himself," that's deferral of responsibility, and that is just the biggest turnoff on the planet. That he's still giving that excuse all this time later shows that he's susceptible to it again. He ought to keep quiet if only to spare his wife the pain of finding out just how lame his excuses are. Otherwise she would have full rights to make this an issue.

@19 his actions and his personality are pathetic and spineless, yes, but if he's managed to stay quiet for this long, he can perhaps keep quiet about it now, too, especially if he genuinely doesn't do it again, though clearly he wants to. If the crippling guilt is just too much for him, then it doesn't matter what we suggest, sooner or later he'll end up shoving his foot so far into his mouth he'll be kicking stomach acid. This advice is mostly us self-inserting into this situation.

@20 cont: not to imply that buying a pair of shoes and cheating are in any degree comparable.

This man enjoys a woman with a cock, and no amount of ggging from a cis woman is of much use here. Yes he can leave it as fantasy, and take his guilty pleasure secret to the grave. Or, he and his wife can talk honestly, because his sin has been erased by his penance, on how, if at all he can occasionally act this out with her blessing and/ or involvement. Whatever the personal crisis was, that was three yrs ago. This poor fucker has been punishing himself ever since. Why add to it now by telling his wife? No gain at all.
Maybe everyone should let a little grey cloud hang over this fidelity issue, and the hetro world could learn to relax a bit more about occasional naughty moments, like this, by watching the gay world. Yes it's not nice to cheat. We all got the memo. It's still not the end of the world if it happens like it has for this LW.
I hope his wife will join him.

Lionface@ 21
I assume you meant "pre-transition or late transition trans woman."
No harm, just wanted to point out that a trans woman can also opt to be a "non-op."

The LW sure wants to hear that he cannot avoid following the dictates of his sooooul.

I've seen this "oh, I want to do right, but I fear I cannot, the temptation sings to my soul" slippery denial of agency before, and it doesn't end well. This is bigger than the D. Get your self sorted out, BUTT, or you will blow up your family on one thing or another.

Marriage doesn't mean somebody owns your sexuality. This man has followed himself and yes tasted forbidden fruit and liked it. Only once. Closed up shop it freaked him out so much.
If your wife loves you LW, and you chill with any confessions past the porn use, it'll be fine. Accept who you are and what turns you on and ask your wife to do the same. If you guys are going to continue as a strong family, these adjustments need making in a marriage.. for both. She may start to branch out on her own fantasy path, if this door is opened. Talk will get you there, just pick the right time and give her time to integrate the new knowledge. A woman who has given birth is tough, don't underestimate her sense of adventure.

@9: hahahaha!

@20 ... absolutely, I would kick a liar to the curb. If you are a liar and a cheat you are fundamentally not a good person. Considering I have considerable experience with non-monogamy, lying is absolutely not tolerated. It means you do not have the skills to be married to be me. It means you are a spineless, selfish coward - and I would no longer want to fuck you. The problem with BUTT is he claims to be helpless to his desires, as if he has no agency. I say he should man the fuck up and be more decisive. Jerk off to whatever gets you off. I'm not sure why his wife needs to be involved in whatever porn he jerks off to at all. He's basically trying to give himself a pass to cheat again. You owe it to your partner to be honorable - it is the minimum price of entry.

Yeah, this is a lot of self-serving nonsense. Everyone has something unique about them that you can't get elsewhere. Redheads, big boobs, men, women, short people, tall people, fat people, each race and skin color, age, kissing technique, and so on. "Oh gee, I love my GGG pegging wife, I just have to visit a prostitute every now and then for something different" = bullshit excuse for cheating.

@28. Yes-to-many-things. He's ashamed or conflicted about having a thing for women who haven't had bottom surgery (sometimes unflatteringly called 'chicks with dicks'). It's not something he was able to negotiate, notwithstanding a nonmonogamous partnership. Can't you cut him some slack for that? Is there nothing you or your partner would find it hard to broach with each other? No particular desire? Maybe this shows that nonmonogamy works best between equals, with equally 'normative' sexualities, or lack of shame over the kinky or non-normative aspects of their sexuality.

@24. CMD. Yes, well done; someone had to make that point.

I am on the other side of the coin from @19. This type of cheating would be unlikely to be a relationship killer for me (the GGG female partner). I've straight up told my partner that if there was a situation where I could not meet his needs (e.g., extended illness/severe injury) and seeking a partner elsewhere would help preserve his sanity/our relationship, I'd want him to see a sex worker. They are going to be discreet, much more likely to keep things professional, and much less likely to grow emotional attachments/do stupid things to blow up your marriage. The LW's particular situation is a need that I could not fill for my partner, and it's one that can be associated with a lot of shame/difficulty disclosing, which I think is worth considering. Obviously I'd much rather have a discussion about it and give permission first (or have a shared adventure), and the cheating was a major transgression, but he says he was safe about it, and he's been smart enough to STFU and shoulder the guilt instead of laying the emotional shitstorm on his partner. Talk to your wife about exploring your interests, LW. If allowing you to play with someone else is a deal breaker for her, you'll need to figure out if that's the price of admission you're willing to pay. Who knows, maybe combining some MtF porn with role play and pegging would be a good compromise for the two of you--or at least a place to start opening up about it.

@28 The curb! The lying! The man up!
Your hyperbole won’t protect you from being cheated on, you just won’t get to know that it’s happened. That’s the reason we’re all telling this guy to keep his mouth shut.

@32 - no one is cheating on me because I am capable of non-monogamy. North of 40, with kids, you don’t get a pass for being a selfish dick who doesn’t understand your own sexuality and acts all helpless about it.

@33 Even non-monogamous people can cheat. You set up rules, therefore, someone can break those rules, therefore you can be cheated on. Everyone with rules in a relationship can.

@24 I generally assume trans women haven't had surgery unless otherwise told. I'm talking about a course of HRT and/or certain choices in public presentation that would lead a trans woman to be passing, which is what I am assuming (for the sake of convenience, not because I think I'm omniscient and for sure correct) a super ashamed straight guy is likeliest to go for in a MTF sex worker if he's also into getting pegged. He certainly seems to have a type.

Sadly he also seems to have caught the "I just can't help myself" syndrome which, though not universal, is way too common in submissive straight guys.

@34 - naw, we're good. My friends in supposedly monogamous relationships are not good, however, and it is generally, inevitably because some guy does zero introspective emotional work, is passive aggressive/avoidant/uncommunicative and ends up cheating. I'm sick of great people being crushed by liars.

I'd let the lying and cheating slide, and be willing to renegotiate nonmonogamy. But the lack of owning responsibility for his own actions is some shit he'd have to knock the fuck off right the fuck away before I'd work through the rest.