Comments

1

"I think you are the only person other than us who knows!"

And every single one of Dan's readers around the world. Oops!

2

There has got to be a delightful, sexy bi gal out there who would love a monogamish arrangement with THROAT allowing him to continue his arrangement with Sam while she gets some lady action on the side.

3

+1 for telling the next gal. Damn this story gets hotter and hotter.

4

This whole exchange warmed my heart!

5

And if THROAT has learned anything from this, it's that it's ok to use your words. If he'd been comfortable asking Sam straight out about this, it would have been a non-issue and we would have lost out on a very nice SLLOTD object lesson.

I hope that THROAT continues to get blowjobs, that he and Sam remain very good friends, and that THROAT applies his new communication skills until he finds a very nice girlfriend who's on board with it all.

Yay for both of them. :D

6

And nicely done, Dan.

7

Can we stop calling hetero-identified guys who get their dicks sucked by other guys “straight?” It seems unfairly distancing to the guys sucking their dicks, and it is just plain false. You’re having a (very) sexual interaction with another guy. There’s no way and no reason to separate what you’re having done to you from the person doing it to you.

8

Unless you want to be single in rapid succession, DO NOT tell your future girlfriends that you have ever engaged with a man sexually at any point ever.

9

@7: I don't know... when I was having sex with girls, in high school, I would close my eyes and think about guys. I was 100% gay. My imagination and the sensations would collude to get me off, but it wasn't making me any less gay, it wasn't making me bi, it certainly wasn't making me straight. I think it's possible for a straight guy to close his eyes, think about Sarah Huckabee Sanders or whoever, and get sucked off by a dude without being less straight. Imagination + sensation is a powerful combo but it wasn't powerful enough to turn me bi and it's not powerful enough to make a straight boy gay.

10

@7 We could, but wouldn't that make us assholes for disputing their self-identification?

I am not a linguist, but I believe that we're mostly describing attraction when we're discussing the hetero-to-homo continuum, not experience.

It's not that your argument doesn't have merit, it's that we're just not talking about that or them in those phrases.

Admittedly, "straight" has additional connotations and implications, but it's generally understood to be a synonym for heterosexual.

Ultimately, I am not against suggesting to someone that their identification does not seem to cover their voluntary history, but I don't know we should go around re-labeling anyone.

11

@7: And when I was doing that — when I was having sex with girls in high school — it was out of desperation. I was desperate to pass for straight, desperate to fake it, and I certainly wasn't ever, ever, EVER going to have sex with men, so this was the only sex I could have... so better get to used to it.

A similar sort of desperation can drive a straight guy into the arms — no, the mouth — of a gay guy. Sounds like THROAT was pretty desperate and Sam was there. Situational homosexuality (think prisons, pirate ships, and British boarding schools) is driven by scarcity and desperation. So, again, was THROAT.

12

Only thing I'd say is that THROAT should tell Sam that he doesn't have to spank-bank it.

Why not Sam jerk off during the blowjob? (Unless he prefers not to, of course.)

13

@9, @11 - but in THROAT’s case, it’s voluntary, and he has a real relationship with Sam. Maybe not romantic, but meaningful. As a straight guy, i wouldn’t accept (actually, pursue) an offer for a blowjob from a guy - i would rather jerk it to porn or fantasy involving a woman. THROAT is mostly straight, but reserving some special status for himself - Sam is gay, I am straight - seems just a touch unfair to me. Sort of akin to bisexuals in opposite sex relationships who stay closeted because its easy.

14

Yes. For me, heart warming. And for them, crotch warming! A very sweet story.

15

I would GLADLY/HAPPILY grant my permission for my partner to continue this specific arrangement after a certain amount of honesty and communication was had. I would also prefer to hear about the past experiences, because that is hot af. Hi boyfriends are da best. Thumbs up. A+.

16

*bi boyfriends.

17

This story is easily the most beautiful thing to appear in US journalism all week. (Low bar, admittedly, but still, I'm deeply grateful to the very wonderful Sam, THROAT, and Dan, for this reminder that human society isn't, you know, entirely a nightmare.)

18

FMS @12 "Why not Sam jerk off during the blowjob? (Unless he prefers not to, of course.)"
It might diminish the quality of the blowjob if Sam has to divide his attention (and hands) between two "jobs" (blowjob + self-inflicted handjob). Too much multitasking?

19

@7: Dan, you'll have to ask THROAT what he's thinking about when Sam gives him these blowjobs, that's the only way to determine whether THROAT is straight or straightish.

Sporty @8: Unless you want to end up only in relationships with sex-positive, threesome-friendly women, do not tell them you've been sexual with a man ever. Hmm, I can't see a downside to honesty here.

As for what THROAT should do when/if he meets a girl he wants to date, I don't think Sam's gender is relevant here. If Sam were a female fuck-buddy, what would THROAT need to do with the information about their relationship once he started dating someone else? Generally speaking, at some point in a relationship a conversation occurs about whether to upgrade "dating" or "hooking up" to "in a relationship." During that conversation, "will the relationship be monogamous" should be discussed. If THROAT finds he's dating a woman who wants to be monogamous, and he's OK with that, it's time to let Sam go. If she doesn't necessarily want to be monogamous, he should tell her about the arrangement with Sam. If they do become monogamous, it's inevitable that the topic of past partners will come up, and that's a good time to say that before they were a couple, THROAT had a male no-recip BJ buddy. This disclosure should happen within months, not years. Sexual overlap should be kept to a minimum, but until there's an expectation of monogamy I don't think THROAT needs to give Sam up. But if she's the right gal, she won't mind -- she may even find it hot. Hey, Sam, even though you're "NOTBI" would you be up for any future threesomes with THROAT and a lady? Assuming she won't push you to eat her pussy?

20

RE @18: Agreed. Sam may want to focus exclusively on this great head he's giving. And THROAT may lose the ability to fantasise about Megan Fox if Sam's dick is out. They're both enjoying the arrangement as is; no need to complicate things.

21

Modern love - these guys are so cute, it makes me happy.

22

THROAT doesn't need to discuss his playtime with Sam any more than he needs to discuss prior sex partners with whom he did PID or ate them out.

He does owe future partners (AND Sam!) the decency of getting tested for STIs, being a kind and courteous partner/FWB, and equal ability to be discreet about their own pasts.

THROAT...I am a straight-ish woman who has That One Friend. It took us five years and a reasonable quantity of alcohol to finally get naked with each other, but it was good fun to be had by all. Since then, we've kept our clothes on because other reasons and that's okay too. It is definitely something to go in the cherished memories bucket and if anything made our friendship better because that overhanging cloud of "when will we fuck?" went away.

Enjoy yourselves, enjoy each other, be kind and decent to one another, and sing Blow The Man Down to your hearts' content.

23

What THROAT and Sam have going here is really a friends with benefits situation. This one has a friendly mutually agreed on end point. When either of them, but especially THROAT, wants to start dating someone else exclusively, they'll end the benefits portion and go back to being friends.

The advantage to this sort of friends with benefits arrangement is that enables the participants to go out and date without seeming desperate. You meet new people confident and happy, and the young lady meeting you doesn't get the feeling that you only want blowjobs.

The disadvantage to the arrangement is the possibility of complacency. Why go out, meet new people, get to know a date, why bother when you've got everything you need at home.

I've said it before: Dating is hard! On the other hand, most of us consider it worth it. Relationships are hard. There's all the communicating, the compromising, the being considerate of someone else when I all too often would rather just be selfish. But on the other hand, life with someone plus all the hard work that goes with it, all that conflict plus figuring out resolutions to conflict, over the long haul, I'd rather have that than a bunch of good friends and my sexual needs being met.

But THROAT's mileage may vary, and he might not become complacent. So when should he disclose? Maybe never. Maybe he breaks up with Sam when he meets the woman he wants to pursue a longer term relationship with.

I can say this. While I get that THROAT is straight, I, as a straight woman, would feel a bit more necessity for him to tell me he'd been getting blow jobs from a gay man than I would for him to tell me he'd been getting them from a straight woman. I imagine you're all going to jump down my throat for thinking that. It just feels like an important detail. They're not really quite the same thing.

24

First OF COURSE I agree with @9 Dan that as @19 BiDanFan says "you'll have to ask THROAT what he's thinking about when Sam gives him these blowjobs...to determine whether THROAT is straight or straightish".

But I'm writing in response to @10 LouChe's repetition of the popular nonsense that unless (quoting @7 Centrists Rule the World today) "we stop calling hetero-identified guys who get their dicks sucked by other guys 'straight'" that will (quoting @10 LouChe now) "make us assholes for disputing their self-identification".

Yes, people totally own the right to self-identify in whatever way they wish, and if we dispute their self-identification TO THEM we are just begging to be assholes (if they find our opinion the slightest bit unwelcome).

But this does not mean we cannot come to conclusions inside our own heads, and to each other, about what their actual sexual orientation(s) are. Words have meanings independent of the wishes of the object of description, and one does not need to be a linguist to know that.

In other words, the next time a LW tells us that they're straight but love ahd totally get off on exclusively gay sex, as long as we don't tell them they're wrong, we are free to use our language to think and to discuss between ourselves as we wish. While we need to respect everyone's right to their chosen identify, that does not strip from us the right to apprehend reality.

25

As the World Cup is going, Ms Fan gets a Yellow Card for trying to get Sam into an MMF, especially given the other letter in the weekly column. It could well go exactly the same way - LW's telling Sam it would be kinda hot for them both to be gotten off by the same woman, Sam's giving in against his better judgement, and then the woman's pressing for reciprocation - even if she didn't intend to push Sam at the start of the encounter.

This is getting extremely one-sided. We don't know that Sam is okay with their arrangement's being made known to someone who lives in their area (rather than strangers reading an advice column), as a woman who dated LW would be. He may prefer not to be outed as someone who might be taken to be a "straight-servicer" (if it would be easy for anyone who knew LW to work out that Sam would be the gay friend in question). While LW has concluded with apparent openness to the possibility of the Sam arrangement's continuation, we have NO evidence that SAM wants the arrangement to continue once LW is dating again. Sam mentions (ungrammatically) only that they are having good conversations, which is healthy. Now some of you might think it misogynistic of Sam if it turns out that he isn't willing to keep up the arrangement once LW is receiving his desired female attention, but LW's finding an OS relationship would/will initiate a major change in the arrangement's dynamics, and Sam's generosity has earned him consideration that, if one is spinning this positively, has yet to be expressed. Sam might even be suggesting that it will have to stop once LW is dating to cover up that its one thing to have fun helping out a needy friend but that he doesn't want to be involved if/when LW is having a full OS sex life.

I mentioned in the weekly column that there is the possibility of Sam's dating. Sam actually might not want to keep up the arrangement once he has a real relationship of his own. Or he might be willing to give it up if his partner would prefer that.

I can put a Pollyanna spin on this, and paint a picture of Sam being at a point in life when his main focus is on his career. He doesn't really want to date just now, and the arrangement suits him perfectly for the time being. In that case, I may even upgrade my FTWL to a non-sarcastic YGB, though that's iffy (and I'm not sure it's valid to HAVE a non-sarcastic YGB/YGG).

Sorry if I seemed overly crabby, but someone really ought to be advocating for Sam in the thread; the idea that he's just some sort of happy tool was getting too widespread.

26

Fichu @23 "But on the other hand, life with someone plus all the hard work that goes with it, all that conflict plus figuring out resolutions to conflict, over the long haul, I'd rather have that than a bunch of good friends and my sexual needs being met."

Heh. I'm the exact opposite. (My sexual needs being met by sex workers in my case.) "All the hard work", "all that conflict" etc.? Been there, done that, never again. The most miserable time of my life.

27

@7 I actually agree with you. I think self identification is silly when the words don't accurately reflect your behaviors and desires.

THROAT is not straight. He is predominantly straight, but is willing to have limited homosexual encounters. But, "bisexual" is too extreme for this type of behavior. This is precisely why the word heteroflexible was coined.

This follow up letter kind of proves he is heteroflexible. He says right there that he would consider continuing to receive blowjobs if his future unnamed girlfriend is cool with it. That is not the behavior of a straight man, or even a heteroflexible under duress man.

28

I simply wish the lw had used a different sign-off, because every time I read the word "THROAT," I feel the need to clear mine, and think of strep.

29

Venn @ 25
The new video technology now used by referees at the World Cup shows that BDF's threesome comment was probably directed at our friend Sportlandia, not the orally gifted Sam, hence the cancellation of an earlier yellow card decision.

And speaking of…
Lava- I was up this morning watching the Australia-Denmark game. You should be proud of the lads.

30

@9 Dan - when straight guys think of Sarah Huckabee Sanders, it's in order to delay orgasm.

31

@30 fubar
In case of accidental ingestion of poison, it's also helpful to think of Sarah Huckabee Sanders to induce vomiting.

32

"Spurred THROAT and I to have a conversation" ???
What is up with the proliferation of this particular grammar overcorrection these days? I swear I don't remember seeing this mistake ten years ago.

33

A week ago, I disagreed fervently with Dan on advice to whether a LW (LAWS) should submit an affidavit/statement at the request of a husband in a divorce proceeding against the estranged wife. I felt that information that LAWS had was so tenuous - both regarding the swinging that occurred (the wife seemed into it) and to the circumstances of the divorce - that it was foolhardy for LAWS to become involved. I believe I got cross-wise with Lava, and said she was being cavalier with LAWS own peace of mind.

Although I rarely mention it here, I am an attorney. I do NOT do Family Law. One of my friends from law school lost his father, a well respected family law attorney, to a murder suicide when the estranged husband shot him in office. He represented the wife. Today, another friend, a lawyer, was murdered by the estranged husband immediately after the lawyer prevailed on the wife's behalf in a custody dispute. This lawyer was frightened of the stability of the husband. He leaves behind little children.

These are the lawyers, which are targeted FAR LESS than the wives, husbands, or children during divorce proceedings. People, even good people, go off their rockers during divorce proceedings. They lash out. I don't mean just the drunks and the husband/wife beaters. I mean professionals. And I don't just mean the men/husbands. Wives too. I went a bit crazy during my divorce. Luckily, I was receiving counseling, and my psychologist sent me to my doctor for medication.

Many divorces (my cousin is going through one right now) are fairly calm, so "Not All." But the more conflict, the more likelihood of insane behavior. If there is one thing that sends people into emotional chaos its the threat of losing their children. I don't know what is going on the divorce/custody dispute where LAWS was a witness, but neither did SHE. And that is why I erred on the side of warning LAWS off.

That said, everyone please return to your regularly scheduled World Cup hilarity. My husband is watching Argentina right now I believe. And hug your kids close.

34

Aw, so sweet. What a lovely friendship.

35

sometimes I wish SL letters came with pictures. This is one of those times.

36

I'm not sure why this warmed my heart so, but it did.

Enjoy yourselves boys.

37

@18,20 it wouldn't affect the blowjob, in my experience

Also, sure they're both enjoying the arrangement, but THROAT was also worried maybe it was too one-sided. If it were me, I would enjoy the arrangement a lot more if I were jerking off at the same time. If I'm giving "earth-shattering" blowjobs, he shouldn't object to me jerking off while I do it. So one way to feel that it's less one-sided is suggesting to Sam that he jerk off if he wants.

(Also not sure why he would be looking in the direction of Sam's cock while imagining Megan Fox. He could close his eyes or look in a different direction. And who knows whether THROAT would be bothered by it in the first place.)

38

It was very nice to hear THROAT say that he feels that he and Sam have bonded through this experience. It'll be something that both can reflect on long after that part of their relationship is over. And keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. And continue to go out together and do things as friends to strengthen that aspect of the relationship. Best of luck and enjoy the time together.

39

The twelfth of never? That gives them plenty of time.

40

I'm a woman and if I were dating a guy like THROAT who revealed his past activities to me, I'd be over the moon. I'd not only be okay with the arrangement continuing, but would hope to be permitted to watch if both guys were cool with it. If they wished to keep it private, I'd certainly jill off thinking about it. The only thing that'd give me pause would be my worry that the friend gave better head than I did.

I know ladies like me are the exception rather than the rule and are also probably more common among SL readers than most populations, but we're out there. I understand your concerns about telling future potential g/fs about this, but the outcome might be even better if you do.

41

Mx Wanna -

[Hey, Sam, even though you're "NOTBI" would you be up for any future threesomes with THROAT and a lady? Assuming she won't push you to eat her pussy?]

Trying to spin that as being directed at Mr Landia deserves a Red Card. The original Yellow Card stands. Go cry for Argentina. At least Juan Martin del Potro's having a very good year.

42

M? Verde - I always think of that error as being peculiarly Clintonian, as it was Mr C who asked the American people to "give Al Gore and I a chance." It does somehow FEEL politically opposed to the error of people who say "lay" when they mean "lie", and, if forced to wager, I'd bet that my made-up statistic that 64% of such people are Trump supporters is on the low side. Of course, ten years ago, we were at the tail end of Mr Bush, who will be forever remembered for the ghastly pronunciation "new-cue-ler".

43

Ms McGee - I appreciate your respectful restraint, and will add to anyone in the same boat that such a sentiment may well do better as a casually dropped hint. Sam seems at least ambivalent about continuing at all once LW is dating; the difference between a hint and a request could constitute enough pressure to pop the soap bubble.

44

CMD @29: Thanks for your support, but I was indeed fantasising a future where THROAT meets a nice, open-minded girl whom he tells about his and Sam's dalliances, Girl thinks it's hot, and Sam and THROAT can continue their arrangement with Girl as a happy spectator. Of course if this is not Sam's bag, he's in no way obligated to play Lito-and-Fernando for any future Daniela. (Another reference to the excellent Sense8, as cultural references are worthless without footnotes!)
I reckon you could consider Tits McGee @40's comment to be more pertinent to Sportlandia's misconception about how women on the whole feel about bi male experimentation.

Gato @32: Oh, this mistake has been happening for eons, along with "whom" when the correct pronoun is "who." Argh.

Forky @37: Wouldn't the jacking of Sam's cock cause vibrations that would make THROAT aware of what Sam was doing? But sure -- if Sam wants to and THROAT's not bothered, why not.

45

Venn @ 41
I’m heading to the dressing room with embarrassment, knowing I’m going to miss the next two games, yet think the red card decision is a bit harsh as it was not an intentional spin. I shook Sportlandia’s hand on my way out as I didn’t attempt to knock him down on purpose.
Argentina is a laugh. I cry for Iceland, yet happy for Nigeria.

46

@44 I've never experienced "vibrations from masturbation" causing a problem during a blowjob, on either end of it. Or even really noticed them.

But then again, I'm not a straight guy who might (for some reason) be turned off knowing the guy blowing me was enjoying himself. It doesn't sound like THROAT needs a lot of self-delusion to pretend he's not getting a blowjob from a dude in order to get off, but who knows what they're doing. For all we know he's watching along the whole time.

47

Mx Wanna - It can be downgraded to a Yellow.

48

I LOVE giving my bf blowjobs. I'm getting wet just thinking about pleasuring him. One of the comments spoke of finding a nice bi-girl who wouldn't mind Sam and Throat's arrangement. We do exist! I would LOVE to watch my bf getting a bj from a gay friend. I could learn a thing or two AND enjoy watching! Unfortunately, my bf is super straight, not near as into kink as I am and has a libido lower than mine... but all that is for another letter to Dan, lol.


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