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Married straight guy here. I'll get right to the point: A few years ago, my wife (then girlfriend) and I were trying to have sex, but my penis wasn't really cooperating. We were also in a bit of a brief slump romantically and sexually. Anyway, during this pathetic attempt at fucking, she finally just asked me to leave the room so she could look at porn and masturbate. So I did. I sat huddled on the hotel bathroom floor until she orgasmed. It was so over-the-top offensive that I actually found it hilarious. It never happened again, and we both like to have a laugh over it every once in a while. And our sex life quickly picked up again anyway.

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But here's my opinion: Because of that incident, I should get a free pass to watch porn and jack off pretty much whenever (obviously not a work, etc.), even when she's around and even when she'd prefer sex. Because sometimes I just prefer the porn and jacking off to fucking (quicker, simpler, etc.) My wife disagrees. She says she has the right to be offended if I watch porn when she's around. Now, this has never led to arguments; it's mainly just a friendly disagreement. If I do look at porn when she's home, she just rolls her eyes and nags me about it. But since being dismissed from the room and replaced with porn and vibrator is, I would guess, a lot of guys' worst nightmare, and I was a pretty good sport about it (if I do say so myself), I've earned the right to unfettered porn viewing.

Pondering Onanism Rules Now

I don't want to play the must-be-nice-to-be-a-married-straight-guy card right now, PORN, but it really must be nice to be a married straight guy right now. Real fucking nice. Because right now...

THIS...

Justice Anthony M. Kennedy announced on Wednesday that he will retire this summer, setting in motion a furious fight over the future of the Supreme Court and giving President Trump the chance to cement a conservative judicial philosophy on the American legal system for generations.

IS...

[A] Court without Kennedy is substantially more likely to:

• Overturn Roe v. Wade and allow states (and maybe the federal government too) to ban most or all abortions.
• Reject challenges to capital punishment and solitary confinement.
• Rule in favor of religious challenges to anti-discrimination law, and perhaps, in an extreme case, reverse some past Supreme Court rulings on gay rights.
• Bar government actors from engaging in explicit race-based affirmative action.

And there are likely to be more aftershocks that are hard to anticipate this far in advance.

ALL...

Via press release from the Liberty Counsel: "The Supreme Court is why many people voted for President Donald Trump,” said Mat Staver, Founder and Chairman of Liberty Counsel. “With Justice Kennedy’s retirement, the next justice will have a huge impact on the future of America.”If Justice Kennedy is replaced with a person who is faithful to the original text and meaning of the Constitution, then it is just a matter of time before several horrible decisions are reversed, including abortion and same-sex marriage,” said Staver.

THIS...


FAGGOT...

Both supporters and opponents of abortion rights see the retirement of Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy as potentially signaling a radical shift in direction on the issue.... “With Justice Kennedy’s retirement, the future of Roe v. Wade and women’s right to choose is definitely at risk,” David Cole, the national legal director of the American Civil Liberties Union, told TIME in an email. “There are four votes on the Court now likely to be hostile to reproductive rights. All it takes is one more.”

CAN...

"It is impossible to overstate the importance of this moment. If President Trump nominates someone like Neil Gorsuch, which we will strongly urge him to do, and the nominee is confirmed by the Senate, then we will go from a 5-4 split that redefined marriage to a 5-4 pro-marriage majority. It will give us a legitimate opportunity to remove the lie of same-sex ‘marriage’ that was illegitimately imposed on the nation."

THINK...


ABOUT...

Elections have consequences. Often they are profound consequences stretching years or decades into the future from their inception point. Trumpism is civic poison. There is a temptation to think that this is another reverse coming after Trump’s election, the US withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accord, the reversal of DACA protections and more. I don’t see it that way. These jolts are really only absorbing, fully recognizing the consequences of what happened in November 2016. Once we ingested it into the body politic all sorts of outcomes became either inevitable or possible. This is just one more of them, though perhaps the most consequential yet.

But not you, PORN. Somehow you're sitting at home thinking about this... this... whatever this is. This low-level conflict? This non-problem? No, wait: this friendly disagreement. About that one time you had to sit in the bathroom while your wife watched porn and had a wank vibrate. I wish I had the mental bandwidth to entertain a friendly disagreement about porn my with husband today, PORN, but I don't. All I can think about as I sit here is whether my husband is still going to be my husband a year from now.

I don't mean to come down on you, PORN. The world has basically been on fire since November 8, 2016—it's been on fire since Trump secured the Republican nomination—and I've been fielding questions about buttfucking, blowjobs, dildos, diapering, cuckolding, speculums, shitty boyfriends, awesome gay friends, and on and on for the last year and a half despite our national catastrophe. Despite Trump. To spite Trump. Because people need distractions—they particularly need them when times are tough—and providing a few of my readers with advice and the rest of my readers with a little titillating/edifying/distracting reading is my job.

So. Yeah. Anyway.

I'm not bagging on you, PORN. I'm reeling. But unlike the GOP-controlled Congress that refuses to do its job and exercise oversight of the executive branch, I'm gonna do my job and answer your question: Your wife looking at porn and having a wank vibrate that one time doesn't give you the right to "unfettered porn viewing" for the rest of your life. If you wanna look at porn and have a wank, PORN, then look at porn and have a wank. If your wife is horny and you don't have the energy for sex, invite your wife to watch porn and have a wank/vibrate with you. And the next time your penis isn't cooperating, PORN, find some other way to make yourself useful—eat your wife's pussy, pick up her vibrator and use it on her yourself, hold her and talk dirty to her while she uses her vibrator. It is possible to get a woman off in the absence of a penis, erect or otherwise. Lesbians do it all the time.

And not to put too fine a point on it, PORN, but you could've avoided this entire conflict if you'd only offered to get the wife off that night with your tongue or your fingers or your forearm or your words or her toys. You know... kinda like we could've avoided Trump if Comey hadn't needlessly reopened the bullshit investigation into Clinton's e-mails days before the election and if Russia hadn't interfered with our election and if Obama had gone public with what he knew about Russian interference before the election and if our Founding Fucking Slave Owning Founders hadn't saddled us with the anti-democratic Electoral College that refused to do its job and if a majority of white women weren't willing to vote for a sexual predator and if Facebook and Twitter hadn't allowed themselves to be hijacked and weaponized like 747s on 9/11 and if white people weren't so fucking racist and if men and women weren't so fucking sexist and if fewer lefties had swallowed Jill Stein and Susan Sarandon's crap about there being no difference between Trump and Clinton except for all the ways in which Clinton was worse and if Reagan hadn't done away with the Fairness Doctrine and if Clinton had gone to fucking Michigan once or twice and if Republican voter suppression efforts weren't so fucking effective and if Democrats could come up with a fucking message that fit on a fucking hat and if Republican elected officials and talking heads were capable of feeling shame and if Democrats hadn't slit their own fucking throats by helping the GOP kill the union movement and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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