Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Why is this letter writer judging a guy for his kinks when she's into those same kinks? Can two prudish introverts open up their marriage? Why can't I stop emailing this guy in the middle of the night? And his gender issues are gone, but so is his girlfriend. Plus, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

Following up on a Minneapolis live show:

You answered my question at your wonderful Minneapolis live show this March, and printed my question in the column shortly thereafter. I like to pretend it was because you were amused, but more likely it was because you were repulsed—I was the girl who asked if it was too late to tell my ex-coworker that I stopped fooling around with him at our gross fast food job because he outed himself as a goddamn misogynist.

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Anyway, you told me to reach out and give the asshole a verbal dressing down... unfortunately, he started getting really volatile on his various social media outlets, soooo, given that this motherfucker has a knife and knows my address, I opted to ghost/block instead. However! There is a happy ending! Tonight, as I stayed up unreasonably late, packing to move to a nicer place in a beautiful part of the city, I heard this dude walk past my house after what must have been a close shift at the restaurant, bitching on the phone about the seven mile walk home ahead of him. POETIC JUSTICE AT ITS FINEST. My life is getting better and safer and more meaningful, and from the sound of it, his is getting even smaller and sadder.

I'm not typically this petty...but one revels where one can these days.

In regards to the Savage Love Letter of the Day I wrote on the day Justice Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement:

Yesterday when I heard the three devastating Supreme Court ruling and the announcement of Justice Kennedy's retirement, I wondered if this is what the Romans felt as Rome burned. You downplayed your writing in the light of the world's events on the one hand and on the other succinctly laid out how things have gotten to this point—especially the snafu of 2016. Because of your column yesterday I was able to sleep last night and get up and be cheerful with my reading tutoring kids today knowing: I was not alone in feeling everything is massively f****ed up in America.

Yet another follow up question THROAT, the straight guy whose gay best friend has been blowing him (and who my readers can't get enough of):

Fine letters and coverage with regards to "Sam" servicing " straight" man. I just have to ask, ( and sure others have too)and hope its covered one day in this column: is the man receiving the oral service genuinely "straight"? While he may correctly not identify as gay, IMO, he surely is not completely straight either, regardless of his rationalizations that he may present.

I sent your question along to THROAT...

I see some people are questioning how I can call myself straight. I get why they would wonder that. For me, I have never been attracted to a man, so I don't think I could consider myself anything other than straight. It's just like "Sam" considers himself gay because he has never been attracted to a woman—even though I know he did hook up with a few girls when he was younger. As for what I am thinking about when Sam blows me...

Each time before the blow job, I got myself worked up looking at some of my favorite porn on my phone. (Yes, it's straight porn.) This was actually Sam's suggestion. When he blows me, I am thinking about the porn, concentrating on the sensation of my cock getting sucked. Sometimes I look back to the porn on my phone while he is sucking me. If that moves me a few degrees closer to "gay" and away from "straight" in some people's minds, that doesn't bother me at all. I don't really care about these sorts of labels and am enjoying myself. And for the record: I got another great blowjob from Sam last night!

And another reader reminds us that THROAT isn't the only straight boy out there getting blowjobs from gay guys...

I have been a reader for many years. For me, your column had lost a little of it's umpf. But the last two weeks have brought back what I follow you for: real questions. I have had the pleasure of feeding four gay guys for the past 10-to-20 years. I get together with each one of them at least once a month. They enjoy giving and, let me add, there is more to oral sex than just a great blow job.

We start out with them helping me get undressed. Then I sit in a big chair, on their bed or lay on my stomach on a massage table. That's when the fun begins. If I am not ready when I walk in, they know what to do. It begins with them working on me for awhile. When I am ready, I stand up and pump their warm mouth while playing with their hard nipples. My hands move up to hold them by the back of their head as I pump my dick hard against the back of their throat. Not saying that I am super large, but there are usually a few tears and a little gagging. So yes, both sides give pleasure.

I have always said, "The creator put gay men on this earth. Then put me to feed them." I don't want anyone to go hungry.

I have never corresponded with a man whose dick I wanted to "feed on" less than I wanna feed on your dick—and I'm including GOP politicians and blood relatives here. But your attitude and your particular brand of dirty talk obviously works for other guys. So while I find this "feed me" stuff unsexy as hell (it makes me feel dirty but not in the right way), I am nevertheless glad you're having fun and I'm delighted for the gay men who enjoy feeding on you. And now I have a song stuck in my head...

An offer:

Just found this letter on your site. Please forward this email on to her as I would like to email with her to see if we have anything in common. Hopefully, she’ll respond to me and we can get started and see if there is anything there.

I can't put readers in touch with each other—legal liabilities or something—but I can't stop readers from reaching out to each other in the comments thread that runs at the bottom of each SLLOTD and each column.

For the two prudish introverts:

This doesn't sound like nascent polyamory, it sounds like a very slow-motion amicable (so far) breakup. The longer it takes, the less likely it is to stay amicable. They don't have kids, they don't have sex, why not thank each other for ten good years and separate? If crippling social awkwardness is a compelling reason not to split, then it's a compelling reason not to open up, too. Isn't this kind of situation the best-case breakup scenario? LW's never had sex with anyone else, they've probably also never ended a serious relationship before, and that may be the real reason they're so reluctant to do so now. Split up while you're still friends.


When I first read this column eight (!) years ago, I totally agreed with Dan, but since then I've spent a lot time in New York's kink community and went out on dates with a lot kinky women. Often a date would transition from vanilla talk to kink, during which there was a detailed conversation about kinks, some of which are more intense than others. Typically, these conversations were a way to assess whether we were kinky-compatible, to discuss hard and soft limits, and to get a sense about how we each liked to engage in certain kinks, which is a necessary preliminary to actually engaging with someone, particularly if that play will happen outside a public play place. So I'm no longer convinced that detailed discussion of varsity-level kinks on a first date is per se a red flag, especially if TOAD herself broached the topic of sex and porn, and her date sussed out that TOAD enjoys intense kinky sex.

Where he may have gone wrong is that he is relatively inexperienced in discussing his kinks, so instead of describing an interest in consensual nonconsent, he talked about "rape play." I've had the opposite experience in which newbie women discuss their "rape fantasies." It's quite likely given the age of TOAD that her date was also inexperienced, rather than untrustworthy. So if TOAD liked this guy, I think she should have seen him again, to make a better-informed judgment about him.

Importantly, if she does decide to engage in any kink activities with him, she should have a very detailed discussion about how a scene would unfold, safe words, and limits. That discussion should take place before any date on which she would engage in kink with him, and if she has any sense that he might not be willing to engage with her in a way that she is comfortable she should cancel any plans to meet. TOAD should also be in the habit of having a check-in call with a trusted friend who knows where she is and who she is with, and her date should know that she will expect a call at a pre-determined time.

A lot of people said IMSAD's boyfriend was gaslighting him:

It’s not the non-monogamy that’s the problem here, it’s the fact that his partner is lying to and gaslighting him. I see so many red flags here. Sounds like the older partner coerced the younger one into opening the relationship, and isn’t respecting his partner’s boundaries. DTMFA.


Nope nope nope. That gaslighting is too much of a red flag. Especially in someone so much older and in a position of power.


Dan makes good points, but the partner's lying, gaslighting, and "it's your fault for worrying that I'm cheating while I'm cheating" bullshit makes me come down pretty firmly on the DTMFA side.

Perhaps IMSAD's boyfriend was gaslighting him—or maybe he was tossing out excuses for his behavior that were transparent BS. He could still be a gaslighter, I guess, but if his lies are transparent... well, that makes him a pretty inept gaslighter. (It's hard to convince someone they're crazy if you're assertions are obviously false.) In my defense: I told IMSAD that the first step was his boyfriend taking responsibility for his actions and recognizing that his younger-brother-ish impulse to blame others for his own bad actions was bullshit. That said, I'm reluctant to slap the gaslighting label on anyone who has ever attempting to shift or minimize blame during an argument.


Just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your podcast even thought I’m a Trump supporter. Maybe I'm the minority, Dan, but I am capable of listening to your views. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don’t. I’m one of those people who don’t think that just because you vote one way that you have to be in total agreement. Keep up the good job!

Now I really feel dirty.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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