I have been with my husband for nine years. We started off monogamous (standard straight couple non-conversation) and had super hot sex for the first four years. We opened up to threesomes, swinging, and I was given permission to do whatever I liked with women. None of those things happened, but it was nice to know we could eventually when things cooled down.

At six years together, when we were about to get married, my then-boyfriend/now-husband informed me that for him marriage meant strict monogamy. He insisted he'd told me that before, although I definitely would've remembered. When I expressed my concerns about this, he basically told me that if I wasn't cool with it we could call off the wedding, which was only two weeks away. Under duress, I agreed. We were already not having nearly as much sex at this point, and it wasn't nearly as hot as it was, but I figured we would eventually have to fool around with other people to steam things up.

A year later I brought up the monogamous agreement we'd made before the wedding and he responded that I'd always been allowed to hook up with girls! I know he had clearly took that off the table and I told him so. But I accepted the permission. I've always fantasized about girls but have never gone for it. So I went on some dates and immediately realized that I'm not interested in hooking up with girls. So our agreement—it was okay for me to hook up with girls only—was effectively monogamy for me since I now know I'm not bisexual.

But husband kept referring to our relationship as non-monogamous for me while I kept insisting that since I realized I'm not bi, my being "allowed" to sleep with girls didn't mean we've "opened up the relationship." We went around and around about that for a while and then he suddenly says, "Well, it's always been okay for you to hook with other guys, so long as they're not strangers." I expressed concern that this hasn't always been the agreement and pressed for details about what he meant by "not strangers." (Did he mean friends?) I also asked him if he would want to know if I did hook up with another guy. But he gave me absolutely nothing. All he would say is that, "This has all been worked out before"!

Finally my question: Would it be okay to consider this permission to hook up with other guys? Seems like he'd prefer to not to know if I did. I understand that it would be optimal to get a much clearer agreement and defined terms. But my husband seems unable to remember and communicate clearly on this topic. He's the one that is more upset about our lack of sex and he's vocal about wishing we had more and better sex.
One of the reasons I want to get out there is to feel desirable and bring that sexual energy back to him! But I don't want to break our agreement or lie to him. Despite his (obviously) horrible communication skills, my husband is incredibly thoughtful, generous, and considerate. And he can be a great lover. I have zero desire to break up with him but I fear monogamy is a death sentence for me relationship-wise. Thoughts?

Accord Thoughtlessly Altered Likely Originates Subtle Struggles

Take that yes for an answer, ATALOSS, but get it in writing.

Send your husband a text message that goes something like, "The other night you said it would be okay for me to hook up with another guy so long as it wasn't with a stranger. I have no one in mind and no immediate plans to hook up with anyone else. I just wanted to make sure I understood you correctly."

If he doesn't respond, text him again and tell him all you need a yes (you understood him correctly) or a no (you didn't understand him correctly).

As for that meltdown he had two weeks before your wedding...

Your then-boyfriend/now-husband informed you that marriage meant strict monogamy for him. If those were his exact words, ATALOSS, he didn't say marriage meant strict monogamy for you, riiiiight?

Okay, okay: that's a Bill-Clinton-esque legalism/weaselism, I realize, especially considering that he threatened to cancel the wedding if you wouldn't make a monogamous commitment. But when you add the tiny amount of wiggle room in his initial framing together with your husband's confused and confusing statements about your constantly morphing (or reverting) "agreement" and all the times he's described your post-wedding relationship as "non-monogamous" and the green light he literally just gave you to hook up with friends, neighbors, coworkers, or, um, relatives—anyone who isn't a stranger—it definitely seems as if your husband isn't hung up on monogamy. Not anymore, at least where you're concerned.

What is concerning, however, is that he refused to answer your questions about what he meant by "not strangers" (hopefully he didn't mean relatives) and whether he would wanna be told before, during, or after you hooked up with someone else—or ever, if he'd prefer a DADT arrangement. This could be elaborate trap, I suppose, like the one I unpacked in this column. But my money is on, "Husband isn't hung up on monogamy—except for that one time right before your wedding—but he has a really hard time talking about sex."

Which is why I think you should move the conversation to text. Some people have a hard time looking others in the eye and talking honestly about sex; some people find it particularly hard to discuss sex with a partner or spouse, ATALOSS, as the stakes are so much higher. Your husband, like so many other people who have a hard time talking about sex, may find it easier to open up—to answer the questions you would like him to answer but don't necessarily need him to answer—via text or email.

If I were in your shoes, ATALOSS, I would definitely wanna get my husband's permission in writing and/or pixels before acting on it. He's revised your "agreement" so many times that you'll want something to point to if he should freak out after the right Not Stranger comes along.