Paid for by Committee to Reelect Judge North, P.O. Box 27113, Seattle, WA 98165
Dear Next-Door Neighbor Hank Henderson: I noticed you glaring at me on several occasions as I passed your house. Care to explain?—Your next-door neighbor, Donna Tate
You’re goddamn right I was glaring, “Donna”—if that’s even your real name! Every day at exactly 8:27 am and 6:42 pm, your precious Pomeranian pisses and/or shits all over my blue elderberry bush... which is reducing my property values! Even an idiot like you can plainly see that I take pride in my immaculate landscaping—unlike those pigs who live across the street. Squirt your dog’s diarrhea over there for a change!
Dear Next-Door Neighbor Hank Henderson: Due to a lack of parking in our neighborhood....—Your next-door neighbor, Ted Sanders
Let me stop you right there, hippie! YES, I know you occasionally park your shitty yellow Hyundai in front of my house, and YES, I immediately call traffic enforcement to slap an irremovable green sticker on your windshield! Why? Because I don’t pay criminally huge property taxes to be a goddamn junkyard! Unlike you, I take pride in my automobile, and wash it more than once in its lifetime. So park your piece-of-crap clunker in front of another house—like maybe the Sloanes’. They haven’t mowed their grass in a week.
Dear Next-Door Neighbor Hank Henderson: The last three times I’ve jogged past your house, you’ve yelled at me, “Get out of my neighborhood, you homeless hobo!” I am not homeless. I literally live directly next door to you, and have for the past five years. Are you insane?—Your literal next-door neighbor, John McCarron
Nice try, homeless hobo! Oh, and everybody knows you aren’t jogging—you’re running from the cops, after I reported you to the police! Maybe those liberal hippies who actually live next door will take you in. If they do, please convey the following information: Stop stealing my internet, thieves! Stop smoking dope in your backyard, addicts! Stop letting your cherry tree grow over my fence, invaders! And stop destroying my property values with your very existence. Oh, and see you at the block party next Friday.