Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: His son wants to fuck Pokémon, a woman's mom and brother die and then her stepfather asks her to spank him, a woman who was in love with someone until she wasn't, and a gay boyfriend who is apparently terrible at being gay. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
For NIDDP, woman whose stepdad asked her to spank him after her brother and mother died:
Ok. I admit I haven't read the letter yet. But my first instinctual response is "kill him in his sleep"
— Hastings Sinclair (@TingSinclair) July 23, 2018
Always read the letter first. More for NIDDP...
This doesn't sound like dementia. It was planned in advance; there was hemming and hawing; it was predicated on the stepdad's prior knowledge of how his daughter and former son-in-law used to recreate; dad knew for sure whom he was speaking to. It wasn't a spontaneous outburst: it didn't happen in person and he had to call his daughter deliberately. So not dementia. AND, at 74, the man's not really all that old. Many people live to be far older than that these days, and 74 is actually a bit young for that level of dementia.
It could be dementia, says someone on Twitter—with some science to back the statement up:
Just FYI, grief can cause dementia / altzheimer-like symptoms. Many people are diagnosed with both when dealing with grief. And behaviour changes can be part of it. https://t.co/m8vrAZxM8h
— Christy Palmer (@StickyPkls) July 24, 2018
And finally from NIDDP herself:
Wow, thank you so much for the insight! After I wrote to you, I had wondered about the possibility of dementia. He has had some personality changes over the last few years, but neither he nor my mom would say what the doctors found or suggested. So, yes, I'm praying that it is dementia, because otherwise... ick. And thank you for your condolences. The last three months have been an absolute shit show, to say the least.
For the lady who gained 50 pounds from the Lovecast episode 613:
Love the show and had a quick comment on the lady who gained 50 lbs in a year. This happened to both me and my wife in our 20s because we both have a thyroid condition called Hashimotos, which is basically where you become hypothyroid. It might be that she's just eaten a lot of pasta and not moving enough but she should also go see a doctor because this could be what's going on.
Let me comment on PTSA’s letter ("Living My Truth," 7/17/18) where he mentions that he’s fascinated by boobs but repulsed by vaginas. Decades ago, I had a bi boyfriend who was into swinging. Sometimes one of his gay lovers would join us for a threesome—the two guys I’m thinking of didn’t go for vaginas either, but boobs they loved. Which was all right with me—my boyfriend did vaginas just fine. Then there was a time BF and I visited a gay friend who was entertaining a German visitor. Horst (or whatever his name was) identified as gay all right, but was dying to fuck me in my vagina. No foreplay, no finesse, but his enthusiasm was fun. I guess you could call these guys homoflexible. BF and I also knew one of those “straight-identified guys into cock”—heteroflexible, I guess. The man described it that way, too: he told us he was a “heterosexual who likes cocks.” And he showed off his flexibility in the threesome we all had.
For the record, my bi BF was only bi in the sexual sense. He was het emotionally. Interestingly, I found out I was the same way—somewhat bi sexually, but emotionally het.
Figured I'd write in, since this week's column featured an advice-seeker who seems to be struggling with something that I deeply empathize with, given my own struggle to accept my preferences, just to remind him he's not alone.
Basically, I'm a bisexual female who spent many years struggling with similar conflicting desires regarding gender presentation and actual genital preference- luckily, I'm about 50/50 on the dicks/vaginas thing, which makes things a bit easier, but my preference still caused me a lot of shame and confusion, both because of my Catholic upbringing, as well as worries that I was unintentionally fetishizing people in the trans* community.
In the end, I've realized that I am almost exclusively attracted to nonbinary people (with the occasional androgynous cis man or woman). Part of that is that I love breasts and a curvy booty and lingerie and femininity, but to me, they're almost even better on a woman or enby with a dick. Same with flatchestedness and gravelly voices and (semi) traditional masculinity on women. And, as the letter writer noted, it's not a fetishized thing, just a natural pull, something it took me a long time to even notice.
A word to the author of the letter—there are people out there, that have the range of features you find most attractive. I would suggest perhaps getting to know some people who identify as nonbinary (nb/enby/etc), or genderqueer. It was only after I accidentally stumbled across these communities as a part of my involvement with larger lgbtq+ orgs that I met my partner- a pretty, vivacious femme who just happens to be content with the dick she was born with. There are people out there for people who enjoy nonbinary expression of gender, you just have to know where to look. Cheers!
For the kid into Pokémon:
About that Pokemon Fucker: I wouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions about the kid.
As a youth (13 and on), I was quite visually adventurous. Basically, the trashier, campier it was, the better. I was a huge fan of the early John Waters films for example, was heavily into the early punk scene, and one of my favorite activities was to hang out in Times Square (long before it got cleaned up), just to watch the people. Often, I'd go into the peep shows, and even occasionally the live shows. And somehow I stumbled upon bestiality porn, which I found highly fascinating.
Now, the fact that I enjoyed watching and seeing all these things in no way translated to my own later sex life. I'm no prude, and I don't really have many taboos about what I'll try with a willing partner, but I've also been in a monogamous hetero marriage for 25 years with a sex life most people would describe as quite vanilla.
Of course, part of what I loved about all that trash and camp was the provocativeness of it all, and how it clashed against the highly prudish upbringing I was given. And I too enjoyed "dropping hints" about the things I'd seen, just to watch people's reactions.
So.... I don't know if you ever heard back from the parent (or the kid) from the original letter, but do we really know if the kid wasn't just enjoying the outrageousness of Pokemon porn (especially since his parents didn't leave much else left for him to shock them with)? And there's surely no reason why the kid won't go on to have whatever sex life ends up suiting him. Including finding a fellow Pokemon fetishist.
I tweeted this out earlier this week...
...and got this very moving note from the loving and supportive dad of a gay teenager in response:
I’m a 63 year old guy, cis, married to my dream, four sons from 42-15. My 15 year old came out to me and, a few minutes later, his mom, last fall. We didn’t entirely see it coming but neither was I completely surprised. Anyway, in his tearful state, crying into my shoulder, the first thing he said after “I’m not straight” was “I want to get married. I want to have kids.” Saying it like that was an unforeseeable future. I promised him he would have love, he would marry, he would have kids if he wanted all those things.
Needless to say, your tweet today resonated with me.
My son is wonderful, happy (far as I can see), and has bunches of supportive friends. And of course his family. Someday he will have his dream, too. Thanks for your tweet. I’m sure it mattered with a lot of people. I have suggested several times he look you up on the web but any and all suggestions from Dad at this point in our relationship (I did say he was 15) are by default unhelpful if not plain stupid. So I guess he’ll have to discover you on his own. I hope he does.
And finally: in response to this news (which has nothing to do with my column, podcast, tweets, etc.)...
FX has ordered a limited series based on the life of Bob Fosse and Gwen Verdon with Sam Rockwell and Michelle Williams attached as the series leads, Variety has learned. Based on “Fosse,” the biography written by Sam Wasson, the untitled eight-part series tells the story of the romantic and creative partnership between Fosse and Verdon.
...and our current (and probably permanent) heat wave, a little of Fosse's trademark heat...
And just because I love you, here's Fosse and Verdon dancing together in Damn Yankees...