I'm a bisexual cis-woman in her thirties and British. Over June and July, I spent three wonderful weeks in Los Angeles, as my bestie lives there. She is also single like me so we had a lot of fun talking to guys on apps and going on dates.
I slept with three men whilst I was there and had a lot of fun, however, I found out something since which has soured my experience. On Friday night I was sent four picture messages from the last guy I hooked up with, which was incidentally was the night before my flight home. The sex we had was romantic, passionate and intense. Him being a fellow artist was a huge turn on and I felt a deep attraction and connection with him. However, I was very aware that it was potentially only one night. When he messaged me, whilst I waited to board my flight, I felt ecstatic as he said how much he'd love to see me again as I will hopefully be returning to LA in a few months.
Then in a subsequent text message I received images from him, photographs, of his marriage in January to a man. The shock was like a punch to the gut. I was working at the time and could barely catch my breath. Thankfully I work from home so I was able to call my friend in LA and have a cry. He immediately tried calling me twice, I tried calling him back but no answer. I texted back "WTF" and explained to him that it wasn't the bisexuality which I found so shocking, but the fact that he's married.
I feel crushed. The first man I slept with in LA is openly queer, I like it, it turns me on, however, this is different and I don't know why. I'm working hard on resolving my issues with what happened. His reply did not help. He explained that he meant to send those pictures to someone else, that he is married, that his husband knows we slept together and that it's a long story. I asked for a summary and he said he didn't have time. That was the last I heard from him. Even my attempt at a "fun" reply about how I don't care as long as he fucks me again wasn't read.
My question: Do I have a right to be so upset? My emotions range from feeling betrayed, tricked, and angry. It has tainted the time we spent together, which honestly was the best sex I've ever had. I can't say for certain if I had known beforehand whether or not I would've slept with him, as the idea of a sleeping with a married man does not appeal to me at all.
I must disclose that I was sexually abused as a child and sexually assaulted as a teenager, so I wonder if I'm projecting or if he really did do something wrong. I know for certain that he is sleeping with other women that he meets on apps, and I'm positive that he will not be sharing his marital status with them either.
Back In Britain
Whether you have a right to be upset is immaterial, BIB. You are upset. Take a moment to feel the fuck out of your feelings—what other choice do you have?
Done? Okay, now let's think about your feelings.
You're upset because this guy lied to you. By omission, but still. You're the kind of woman who's down for one-night stands and you're up for fucking queer guys but you don't wanna be sleeping with married men. This guy didn't tell you about his husband—and you didn't ask—but he apparently told his husband about you. So he was playing you. And that means whatever connection you felt was either obtained under false pretenses and/or entirely one-sided. You were open and honest, BIB, he was shitty and deceitful (and clumsy), and finding out you were played is always painful and humiliating. And that—or most of that—is on him.
But this one's entirely on you: you let yourself get carried away. Mr. Amazing Sex was amazingly sexy, the sex was amazingly amazing, and you were already fantasizing about another round when you returned to L.A. If you're anything like I was back when I was single, BIB, you were fantasizing about the amazing relationship you were going to have with Mr. Amazing Sex if the planets all aligned.
You met a stranger on an app and you fucked him. I'm not saying that to slut shame you. It's just that when we fuck someone(s) we just met, don't know, and most likely will never see again... there's no foolproof way to determine that aren't fellating someone with a spouse or a sexually transmitted infection or an odious political belief or [list your relationship dealbreakers here]. If you knew yourself to be the kind of person who would devastated to learn that the stranger she just fucked lied to her about being married—or failed to proactively disclose something he may not have wanted to disclose or even regarded as necessary to disclose—then you probably shouldn't be hooking up with men you meet on apps when you're out of town. If you didn't know that about yourself before this trip to L.A., BIB, you know that about yourself now.
Which means in the future, BIB, you're gonnawanna err on the side of getting to know guys better before you fuck them. You'll have to go on a bunch of dates first or you'll have to ask potential one-night stands whether or not they're married. Neither method is foolproof—people can and do lie and it isn't and never will be okay—but you're less likely to find yourself in bed with someone who's married after you've done your
due screw diligence.
As for the other women he's hooking up with...
Yeah, he's probably not disclosing his husband to them either. Bi guys looking for casual sex will tell you that they have a hard time hooking up with women who are also looking for casual sex if they disclose their bisexuality—which is what his, "Hey, I have a husband," would've amounted to here. I think there are more and more women out there these days who are down for sleeping with bi guys and bi guys should disclose & discard until they find one, whether they're looking for a life partner or one-night stand.