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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Why did her girlfriend suddenly decide to stop having sex until marriage? Did her one night stand need to tell her about his husband? Why does it hurt so much when his boyfriends sexts with other people? And her boyfriend is allowed to sleep with other women... so why does she want to dump him for sleeping with other women? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

For CHASTE:

Longtime reader; first time responder. My husband and I lived together before we got married and were having tons of great sex when I started to worry that the wedding night would not feel as exciting or explosive since we shagged constantly. I suggested that we abstain until after the ceremony in order to promote a sense of longing and renewed titillation on our first night as a married couple. Spoiler alert: we made it only three days into the "second virginity" before we succumbed. (Suckcummed! Ha!) The wedding night was still incredible. So glad we made sure that we were sexually compatible before we tied the knot! Glad you advised CHASTE to find out the reason for the moratorium, and just wanted to share this additional possibility!

For FUR:

Sounds like there may not be much left to the relationship but inertia on his part and financial dependence on hers. Hope the venting helped her feel clearer and that she starts planning for the long term without this guy if she can.

And:

The rules aren't actually that difficult. It's that FUR is not good at writing them out. It's pretty simple: you can do whatever you want with people online, but you must clear with me before you do anything with people in real life. That is not complicated. So if you are sexting with someone you know in real life, that is a violation as he did not clear it with the girlfriend. Obviously, you can't fuck someone in real life without clearing it first. That's all.

I don't understand why Dan wrote paragraphs without answering and then gave a flippant sentence of advice at the end. FUR might have her own issues- including health or work or difficulty expressing herself or whatever. This doesn't change the fact that FUR's boyfriend is a lying cheating piece of shit who has broken their rules. And you all acting like it's complicated - uh no- he simply can't fuck people without clearing it with her first. That's not complicated. He's a piece of shit for cheating.

Many regular commenters didn't see it that way.

On pegging:

Saw this in Post Secret today, thought you'd be amused. This might be breaking her heart, but her husband looks pretty happy I'd say.

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A short followup email exchange with To Kick Or Not To Kick, the soccer-playing LWer whose new boyfriend wants her to kick him in the balls.

Are you uncomfortable with this fetish in particular or with being with a guy who has a fetish at all? — Dan

Just the over all fetish. He's a really great guy, it's just this that bothers me the most. — TKONTK

Why does it bother you? It doesn’t turn you on, I realize, it’s not something you would want to do for your own reasons/pleasure. But is it something you could do for him? Not every day, not all the time, not as a part of every sexual encounter. But once in a while? Or no? — Dan

I really don't know. I get completely turned off at any thought of my feet coming towards his groin. I really don't even like talking about it with him. — TKONTK

Then don’t do it. But you’re probably the wrong partner for him then — unless you can allow him to explore this kink with others, on his own time. Exploring with others doesn’t have to include sexual contact or intercourse. Just having his balls busted. You might get him to agree — under duress — to go without getting his balls busted for the rest of his life. And he might agree to those terms and convince himself he can live up to them, TKONTK, but sex always wins in the end. He'll eventually get his balls busted elsewhere, behind your back. Are you familiar with the expression "Paris is worth a mass"? IMO a really great relationship should be worth the occasional kick. — Dan

Regarding the boyfriend who sexts people other than his boyfriend:

I thought you really missed the mark on this one. Chatting and sending nudes might be acceptable, depending on what they've previously discussed. However, the boyfriend is denying his activities and using manipulative tactics to minimize the letter writer's feelings, i.e. gaslighting. My first long-term relationship ended this way, and it took years to undo the damage. DTMFA.

And:

These two men have been together for two years and arguments around monogamy, trust, jealousy, and fidelity have been occurring since the beginning. The letter writer has turned into a snoop and found his boyfriend is not to be trusted. Maybe the gay world is more forgiving, to me this is a relationship that doesn’t work because it doesn’t have a baseline they both adhere to, no sense of easy honest intimacy between them. Will it matter if his boyfriend promises to abide by some new sexual boundaries when he’s shown after two years he ignores what has been decided?

Some thanks:

One of the best parts of my week is when the Savage Lovecast pops up on my phone with a new episode! I’ve learnt so much from your incredible advice, become more comfortable in who I am, become a better communicator and learnt a whole bunch about a whole lot of different people and their pleasures in this world and this all makes me a better person! I’m a nurse and your talks about transgender issues have enabled me to deliver care to trans people with more understanding and awareness. Much thanks to you and your team!

Not bad for a notorious transphobe!

And...

Mr. Savage: I always knew that if there were anyone on this earth who could seamlessly answer a question about sex with a quote from Mary Poppins, it was you.

And finally: for anyone out there who sexually imprinted on cruel jocks in early '80s teen comedies—Cobra Kai!—instead of the skinny underdog heroes...

I imprinted on the scrappy underdog heroes myself—thankfully—but Marc here has the best sinister glare on Instagram. So I thought I'd share.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!

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