You know how like, there's a certain type of nerd who obsess over the hull numbers of various iterations of the starship enterprise, or have an encyclopedic knowledge of Magic: The Gathering cards?

What on earth are these two doing together? I can't think of a much worse match than a homoromantic, asexual woman and a horny dude. Were they the only two left at the end of speed dating or something?

Dude, WHY do you keep asking this woman to do something you know from her very identity she doesn't want to do?

Lady, WHY are you subsidising this guy? Is he really REALLY good at housework?

Look, if he's doing more housework and paying less rent and that works for them both, I have no problem with that. But stop trying to pretend you're in a relationship! You are NOT compatible! Break up, finish school, and either stay where you are and continue doing the lion's share of the housework (which you're doing in exchange for the lower rent, right?) while dating new people -at their places- --your soon-to-be ex deserves this kindness-- or, as Dan says, just move out and deal with a longer commute and smaller room. Good grief, man.

P.S. I agree 69 isn't kinky. I disagree it's overrated.

P.P.S. Anyone going to address the miscapitalisation of ACE? It's not an acronym, it's an abbreviation.

Lord have mercy, what an absolute mess. Talk about a mismatch. How the hell did she get into this relationship? If she knows she's a lesbian, she must have some kind of codependency thing going to stay with this guy. I can't see what's in it for her. She doesn't like sex, she doesn't like guys, she's paying the majority of the bills. Fucking housing, good god.

She pays more than her share of the rent while you pester her for sex she's not interested in having and YOU'RE the tormented one?

She must be terrible at breakups or unable to make up the financial difference. She probably feels trapped by her finances as much as he does.

You had me until the very very end - maybe 69 is over-rated for you as a gay male, and as a bi-male I see your point. But as a raging 2 on the Kinsey scale (identify as hetero, act on homosexual desire), I can say unequivocally that 69 is an under-rated hetero act! 69 and passionate making out are the 2 musts for me in a hetero relationship.

Soul Crusader, I'm glad you found a thing you like. I can find no way to do 69 that allows me to comfortably give a good blow job and the focused attempts at doing so remove any pleasure that I might receive from the man between my own thighs which makes it an entirely pointless sex position for both me and the man. In fact I stopped even attempting it long ago. We can just take turns and if you'd like to me to get off while blowing you, you can use a vibrator which is easier to apply in a position that is easier for me to give head, but also this means that you will get a less good blow job and I will not enjoy my orgasm as much because I'm focused on your dick so even this is overrated IMO. Why not let's just take turns?

So many words for so ubiquitous a problem.

Q: I want more sex and physical affection. My GF doesn't. It's hard to afford to live apart. What do I do?

A: Save up, break up.

All the other crap is filler. (Sorry, Dan. Not sorry, LW)

And put me in the "69 is overrated" camp. I've never been much of a multi-tasker.

From the LW..

" I told her I was considering breaking up with her because things weren't really improving sexually and I was tired of resenting her. I also admitted to contacting my ex for support,"

She should had kicked to you to the curb for these two things. First, break up, don't use this "double secret probation" threat, ("I considering breaking up with you") second, don't bring your ex in the fight. This is a low blow, no matter it is true or not.

From what I read from the LW, here is my advice: BREAK UP! There is nothing in this letter to show any sort of strong bond with your significant other. I also see that both of you are going different ways. Just Break up...

In the future, don't do "I am considering breaking up with you" argument, make a firm decision, explain the reason why, and end it. Once you start threatening to end the relationship, (I do consider it a threat) i don't see it how it is going to be repair. If there are deal breakers that is different, (drug use, money issue, gambling problems) but don't pull a Hamlet..

As Mr. Ven would say: "Covenant Marriage Yesterday!"

As I would say: "Oy fucking vey is mir!"

Re: 69: Add me to the group who doesn't like multitasking/can't do it all that well. Or as Ron Swanson says: "Never half-ass two things; whole-ass one thing."

We need a 'hide post' function.

Um, wait a second... homoromantic... woman... with a boyfriend.

I suspect this is a large part of the problem. Why is the LW not seeing such a glaring issue? Or LW's girlfriend, for that matter? Who is probably quite miserable for being pestered to have sex she doesn't want. Egad, this relationship is already dead. Cut life support.

Wait - he entered a relationship with an asexual, and is now bitching because his sexual needs are not getting met? What did he think was going to happen, did he think she was just pretending to be who she is?

For someone who appears to be very intent on ticking all the up to date, trendy, hip boxes, he's sure got an old fashioned, reactionary view of sexual identity.

Ms Cute - They do seem rather well mismatched together.

Ms Fan - She'll inherit an eight-figure sum if she's OS-partnered? (That actually reminds me of a ghastly book I read once but thankfully didn't buy - a closeted gay protagonist was left a massive inheritance if he had a wife by a certain date, or else it all went to some relation who knew he was closeted; then a sex worker convinced him to marry her, at some point she seduced him and it was the best sex he ever had in his life, and finally she got him into the relationship he'd always wanted and somehow she ended up with all the money. Thankfully I have succeeded in forgetting - a point for Holmes/Sun/Earth - the novel and author.)

Glad to see other 69-non-enthusiasts coming out. Applying my 12-step experience to nocute’s testimonial I’d like to offer “One whole-ass at a time.”

This site really needs a "like" function.

I'm a terrible person, I know, but I vote for setting money aside, telling your partner you're ending the crappy sex life you two have shared, and looking for a new partner even before you move out.

Once you take sex and cuddling and intimacy off the table at home, I really don't see an affair as a terrible betrayal. And, hey, maybe it will make it easier on her when you two do break up and she can paint you as the villain. Being the villain would be a small price to pay to be free of this situation and dating someone more compatible.

The cock is upside down. For cocks that have more sensitive areas on the underside, they're awkward to access with the tongue.

Yes Mtn Beaver, and it's more difficult to get to the balls. Plus if you are into bobbing your head, it's hard to do that sideways, which means, one of you should be mostly on top. And if it's the person giving head in a het69, then you are sitting on the dudes' face, which aside from being distracting from the concentration on giving head, does not put many of us (I think I have an average body length) at a good angle to bend over and give head. Flip it and I'm gagging or else doing planks. So sideways it is, and awkward angles all around.

No thanks. Let's take turns. 69 is for NICE jokes and pisces.

The quality of a 69, I've found, has a lot to do with the relative heights (or torso lengths) of the participants. It's also better as an appetizer than the main course.

You’re all wrong, 69 reins supreme, you’re all clearly doing it wrong

I love 69, and for a long time have felt like a 69 evangelist in the comment section, often in response to people who are having trouble relaxing and getting into the moment with new sex partners.

From my perspective, I feel like I receive a much better blow job from a partner while I'm going down on her. I find the women with whom I've had oral sex suck harder, take me deep, and are more energetic or aggressive, even though from time-to-time many of them need to stop for a moment because the sensation they are being given are too intense to continue sucking on my cock. I would say that often, as they get to the point of orgasmic inevitability they do focus on their own pleasure, until they orgasm, and then redirect their attention to getting me off, but that doesn't substantially change the experience for me.

I've never had a similar problem multitasking, which also colors my impressions, and haven't found the other criticisms mentioned a particular impediment, in fact, I've found it to be a good position in which to give and receive oral sex.

LW is Late Twenties very sexually identified, ala bi/pan, Dan says he’s hot, and his girlfriend is asexual with grey area homoromanticism. Did I get that right? He needs to leave, commute, find roommates, and finish school. All that good stuff that will make him a more dateable person in general, and hopefully lead to him being a better partner in the future. I do hope he will try to soft-land into a friendship with his girlfriend, and not continue to use the differences in their sexual preferences as ultimatums, but rather try to explain that their relationship, as friends, can continue, if she understands they must no longer be together as lovers, because they want very different things.

One last thing: 69 can be good, but it is overrated, I have to side with the focus crowd. There is something more, let’s say devoted, when you’re giving oral, than when you’re trying to enact the porn equivalent of equality.

I'm beginning to suspect that most people aren't including pics of their Labrador Retriever like I did when I wrote to Dan.

@24 Know your audience. Dan is not a fan.

OK, she's grey-a homoerotic and Dan suggested finding someone to do chores you don't like doing. It's clear that your partner is not into you sexually, so why not find a bisexual woman you can both get into and form a triad? Your partner will get her homoerotic needs met and you'll get your sexual needs met. Plus you'll have a third incone to help pay the bills. This solution would be win-win-win for everyone involved.

I came here to say what many others have re: 69.

It is one of my favorite things to do with a lady (I'm a guy). All the skin contact is great, the view is great, the feeling is totally unique getting to provide oral while getting it. You can almost convince yourself it is a threesome in a way. In the threesomes I've had there's often one point where someone is going down on me while I'm doing the same.

It is one of my least favorite things to do with a guy. The angles are all wrong. If I'm on the bottom, I feel like I'm choking on cock, if I'm on top I feel like I'm doing one handed plank/push ups to keep from choking the other guy AND trying to balance myself so I have some control over what I'm doing. Side by side 69 always feels like no one has any leverage either. I think the closest thing to the sensation of hetero 69 for guy guy sex would be an all oral threesome, which, although I haven't done that yet, would be pretty great.

I'm also happy to do the service then be serviced model, or if the other dude is up for it a little PIA sex.

EmmaLiz @7: That distraction you speak of is exactly what makes 69 enjoyable for me! I'm very sensitive, and focused cunnilingus can often be too intense. But if I'm distracting myself by putting a cock in my mouth, the oral sex can last a lot longer. (Please note I'm talking about myself, not in any way implying that you or anyone else should find it enjoyable.)

Chase @20: Oh yes, definitely an appetiser. There would in fact be no way I could focus on the blowjob aspect effectively enough to get my partner off. Generally, the mutuality happens until the sensations get too intense for me to ignore, and I have to pause and come. Position wise, my being on top seems to work for a variety of heights -- and allows me to pause and resume the sucking according to my ability/desire to postpone my orgasm. It's also a position that gives a good angle and prevents overenthusiastic thrusting (as he is also distracted) and choking.
After I come, as Sublime @22 says, there is time for more one-way fellatio while I recover, or a switch to PIV.

The only negative thing I can say about 69 is that it is not possible for two women to do, unless they are contortionists.

Juan @26: Great idea, except that if she "can't do open relationships," she's unlikely to be OK with her girlfriend fucking her boyfriend. They just need to break up and each find someone more compatible.

Coolie @27: Thank you for your perspective! I'd have thought 69 would work very well for two guys, since it gives such a great angle for cocksucking, but thanks for the reminder that one of the guys will have a great angle while the other has an uncomfortable one. (Sideways is, in fact, more of a challenge with more need for a "helping hand.") Perhaps this is one situation where differences in penis size would be an advantage?

@26 Why don't we all just find exactly what we are looking for? You would think there would be a means to do that in this day and age? We just do a search, and cross our fingers. Hey internet, we are looking for a woman who wants to be in a triad, whose willing to let me and maybe my asexual, but homoromantic girlfriend fall in love with you, also, we want you to come live with us and pay a third of the rent. Thanks!

Anti @30: Yeah, that too. If it was that easy to find and keep a bisexual girlfriend, I'd have had at least one by now :-/

OMG. you guys have got this.

All these distracting 69 and relationship comments.

Let's get back to the most important comment @1 "there's a certain type of nerd who obsess over the hull numbers of various iterations of the starship enterprise"

Do you mean in the original timeline, or the alternate reboot timeline?

@33 myself, I assume of course you mean the original timeline. Team Jean-Luc!

Hey LW, young romantic connections are so powerful, and yet often mismatched. It's confusing, and hard to move on from a first love. But it seems like the right thing to do. She probably will resist a lot and do some crawling back type stuff, since you fill a role for her. She wants a male partner but not a sex life. My advice is set some hard boundaries: it is okay for me to want a sex life, and I deserve a sex life, so either you let me have outside partners or we are finished. End of story. This is only if everything else is perfect. Also, the money thing is tough! It's easy enough to tell someone else to take on poverty, but some people don't come back from it, some end up homeless, etc. You need to have a plan. Dan is right that you should start saving now. And think about studying something practical if you don't have the luxury of support. It's tough out there. Anyway sorry it's a hard time for you, do what needs to be done, suck it up for a couple of years, and you'll be okay.

@12 victorian platypus "Um, wait a second... homoromantic... woman... with a boyfriend. I suspect this is a large part of the problem. Why is the LW not seeing such a glaring issue? Or LW's girlfriend, for that matter?"

+1
I can now delete what I wrote while reading the letter (which made my head spin with other details around this elephant in the room).

MAYBE the GF has romantic feelings towards this one guy, but it so the LW needed to tell us this, and since he didn't:

What the robotic-fuck are they doing together?

@24 Gladys Leeman

Did you send Dan a pic of your dog because it was relevant to your letter?

STD tells ACE that something has to change or he'll break up with her. Then and only then does she bring up the daily sex plan. 9 times in, and the sex abruptly stops. In other words, she put him off only until the specter of his moving out went away. STD can expect this to repeat. After all, from her perspective it worked the first time, why shouldn't it work again and again? Just enough intermittently reinforcing bad sex to keep him there. I do wonder what's in it for her and why she doesn't want him to move out, why she wants him there so much that she'd play such a blatantly manipulative trick. I also wonder what sort of ACE forum suggests daily sex. Did she really see that, or did she make it up?

None of my speculation or questions changes the advice: STD needs to get out of there through whatever means possible same as anyone in an abusive relationship needs to get out. The impish side of my nature makes me want to suggest getting the money saved up and the new place lined up, then let her find evidence of infidelity with an eye towards seeing if she'd throw him out even then. My money is on her suddenly deciding that sex on the side for him is okay as long as he doesn't leave her.

@28/BiDanFan: I was always under the impression from our exchanges that you did not like to 69.

@36 - Yes, it was relevant. I had a choice to keep the husband or the dog. The dog was more loyal, so I kept her.

@39 Gladys Leeman
Sweet, gread choice. (I was sorta kidding along the lines of...Glad it wasn't, as they say about fortune cookies, a choice between the two IN BED.)

From the sounds of it, LW and this woman are roommates and very occasional FWB. Is there any chance the two could agree to a re-framing of the relationship to reflect the reality of what it is? Could they remain friends and roommates (for now) while beginning to think about and explore, independently, the types of sexual and romantic partner(s) each is interested in? This would take some work and likely some very clear ground rules as they work through the “breakup”, but might be a compromise worth exploring.

Sublime @38: Huh, perhaps you confused me with someone else? I'd be interested to see the exchanges you're recalling.

Gladys @39: Sounds like you solved your own problem. Guess that's why Dan didn't run your letter!

JFC. Breaking up with an asexual person is not a referendum on the humanity of asexuals. It just means you don’t want to date that individual anymore.
This is one of the problems with labels, that one may stand accused of general unsupportiveness when it’s really specific incompatibility.

SAS
SHORT AND SWEET

ASIDE FROM MASOCHISM YOU (THE OP) SOUND PERFECT TO ME

HIT ME UP ON FACEBOOK! LET'S TALK ASAP

I was not a fan of 69 until my current partner (and he has said the same). Just the right proportions, I guess? It’s one of our favs now

OP here y'all.

Clarifying if people are interested: meant hetero-romantic Ace.

I cook nearly all meals, clean, take care of the plants and beautify the place, and I have an adorable cat.

We actually considered a triad at one point.

Also she didnt know she was Ace when we started dating and we had frequent sex then.

Probably taking Dan's sage advice here. And yes I prefer 69 with female bodied folx more.

Whew, thank you very much for checking in, STD. Wow, that one HUGE mistake totally changes the letter...but not the advice. It also retroactively makes me understand why Dan didn't highlight the utterly ludicrous situation the huge mistake appeared to present.

So I re-read the letter anew.

It's likely that @37 Fichu is correct that "the daily sex plan [was a]...manipulative trick...STD can expect...to repeat."

But bottom line, since the GF who isn't interested in sex wants a sexually exclusive relationship, STD, save up and get free. Living frugally is a lot better than a dysfunctional relationship. Happiness is entirely possible without material plenty.

Thanks OP, and yes, that changes everything! Well, not quite everything. It means that she probably does love you, not just your house cleaning efforts and your cat. ;-) You're in your late 20s and have been with her for four years, that means you were in your early-mid 20s when you got together. People change SO MUCH during those years, and you two are no compatible. You've grown apart. It happens -- to nearly everyone. Your needs no longer match hers and vice versa, so it's time to move on. Good luck.

*no longer compatible.

Sublime @38: A comment on last week's main thread suggests that possibly you're confusing 69, which I do like, with doggy style, which I am indeed on record as finding meh-at-best?

69: it's a no from me, dawg.
I'm disappointed in all of us, not even coming close to making it to that comment in our discussion about 69.

I had to stop reading after "relaish." What happened?