Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Her ex-boyfriend has cancer and her current girlfriend can't handle it; a very long, very good, very fake letter; her partner likes sex clubs and she thinks they're dirty, gross, and crawling with consent violators; and he's 40, she's 16—she's also his girlfriend's niece. What could go wrong? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
First, for that smelly German dick:
He can wash under the foreskin with “feminine washes”—find an unscented one. I recommend Sliquid Splash. No smell and no irritation!
I hope you've been well. I wanted to include a link to the Texas legal code to correct something you said about harassment on the podcast about a month ago when a lady was describing getting dick pics from a service person she had let into her house a year earlier.
What you said was that it wouldn't count as harassment until she told him to stop and he kept it up, anyway. I'm not sure what the law is like elsewhere, but in Texas, if the conduct that occurs is "obscene" or "alarming," it is illegal the first time that it happens, and if it continues to happen after the victim has asked for it to stop, then the charge can be modified to stalking.
I realize that too much time has passed to issue a direct correction regarding that call, but it does worry me that all of your listeners may now be under the incorrect impression that they do not have the ability to report criminal level harassment when it occurs if it is appropriate to do so because it doesn't rise to the level of being criminal.
I consider this to be very legally relevant information because "harassment" is often the easiest catch all charge category for prosecuting all forms of sexual misconduct (including sexual assault charges that may be harder to prove), so if you could include this information on your show in the future, I would appreciate it greatly, as would all of the people who may need to make use of this information someday (including guys who may now think that they can legally get away with sending unsolicited dick pics as long as they stop once asked).
Thoughts on an eight-year-old column:
NGE is not delusional. Her boyfriend is a selfish lover. She’s not asking to eliminate his fantasies, only asking to switch it up and leave their family/friends out of it. Perhaps this turns her off. Does he even care if she’s turned on, or not? Has he asked her to talk her fantasies out sometime. Is she delusional to expect this consideration - reciprocation? Wow-what a concept that she’d like to be sexually fulfilled. She’s being doing what he likes for last 4 years. He’s a Schmuck, or immature...or a schmuck, or both. I’m disappointed you’d call a young girl delusional for hoping her boyfriend could incorporate her sexual desires into the program and respect her boundaries. Go figure. If he doesn’t open up and consider her needs, she should plan an exit.
Regarding episode 613 of the Savage Lovecast:
I have been listening to you for years and agree with you on so many things, but weight has always been something where I thought you sounded like a sanctimonious jackass. The call you took talking to the woman who had gained 50 lbs since moving in with her boyfriend changed some of the way that you I think about you (because I know that you live your whole life with baited breath waiting for random person on the internet to approve of you).
I just wanted to say thank you for talking about weight and how someone like you, who is thin and hasn't yo-yoed, still really has to work at it. For someone who has been overweight my whole life, sometimes it feels like skinny people just got lucky. Thanks for reminding your listeners that it always takes work, even for the skinny people like you.
I think there could have been a kinder response to Personal Insult Causing Stress. I think her boyfriend should listen carefully to how she’s feeling. If the picture of his ex really upsets her, why can’t he consider taking it down? He should listen and discuss it with her so that he can either allay her fears by explaining why he would like to leave it there or agree to take it down. Regardless, he should acknowledge how vulnerable she is feeling at that moment and show compassion towards her.
I can understand her point of view and think it is brave of her to speak up about something that makes her uncomfortable because often women stay silent because they are trying hard to please their partner or afraid that if they are not compliant/submissive they will not be liked.
I would have seen this situation more as an opportunity to practice negotiating in a relatively new relationship rather than a pretense for breaking up.
Did we read the same letter?
He refuses to discuss this issue, even as I lose sleep over it. I've tried calmly discussing this with him, I've tried crying, I've tried screaming my head off—nothing works.
She's been heard. She hasn't gotten her way. And here's hoping her boyfriend doesn't cave to her irrational demands. I'm willing to concede—on account of all the evidence—that boyfriends are shittier at higher rates than girlfriends. But shitty, controlling, manipulative girlfriends are a thing and PIC's boyfriend should keep those old photos and delete his shitty girlfriend.
I'm a 29-year-old female, and was on the pill for the better part of of twelve years from age 15 to 27. I tried the Mirena too, but had it taken out because it made me feel less than human for five months straight. On the pill I experienced mood swings and frequent fungal and bacterial infections, some of which were quite persistent. I've done a bit of research and from what I can tell is that many other women experience increased infections while on hormonal birth control. It got to the point that my vagina's milieu was so sensitive that by introducing completely natural but strange bacteria, fungi and bodily fluids via my partner's cock (a clean cock I may add) it would be out of whack again. I wanted sex, sure, but feared yet another infection, which is painful and expensive and makes you not want to have sex. A vicious cycle! I've been off the pill for two years now. Since then, no infections, a happy, balanced vagina, and lots of sex with the same cock.
A little Facebook feedback:
I listen to your podcast religiously and about six months ago I began to notice a pattern with your female callers. I think the pattern was always there, but my eyes were recently opened to it. Many female callers worked in the feelings of their assailants/harrassers/creepsters/rapists into the call. Even in the most horrific situations, they were afraid of not being polite.
This is a societal sickness, an insidious mindfuckery that is instilled in us from day one. Question your instincts. Don't be mean. Be polite- even if that means valuing someone's feelings over your own safety. Time and time again you've responded to these calls with "fuck that guy", which is exactly what they- and me- need to hear!
I was in Costa Rica recently at a hostel and there was this horrible pervert who was saying absolutely atrocious unwanted and unsolicited sexual shit to all of the women there, myself included. The inner monologue started. Maybe he's joking. He's older and probably lonely. He was drunk. Don't make waves. Be the cool girl and laugh it off. I swam against all of that toxic shit and instead told him to fuck off and leave me alone. Not only that, but I called him a disgusting predator. You should have seen the look on his face. It was fucking glorious!
I did it again to the guy who wouldn't leave me alone at the bar after several rejections and again to a horrible misogynist on a community message board. Each time I felt even more powerful. I just turned 39 and I feel like I leveled up in badassery.
These guys know what they're doing. They're not nice when they bug you incessantly. They know that we're programmed to be polite and they use that as leverage to guilt us into being pleasant to them and second-guessing ourselves. My only caveat with the drawn-out, unflinching "fuuuuuuuccccckkkkk offfff asshole" is that some of these dudes could be dangerous when rejected. I'm trying to counterbalance my desire to destroy the Nice GuysTM and pervs of the world with the reality that I'm still a 5'2'' person, but in a well-lit public place? It's on.
I'm writing to you because I think you've helped a lot of women deprogram and understand that our bodies, time and attention are ours. Nobody has any right to demand them, no matter how "nice" they are. It is empowering to operate in this new sphere! I had to share! Thanks for the good work.