Michael Cohen: GUILTY
Michael Cohen: GUILTY DREW ANGERER/GETTY IMAGES

Hoooooly SHIT. Big news in Trumplandia today: Not only has Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort been found guilty of eight counts of tax and bank fraud, longtime Trump fixer Michael Cohen also pleaded guilty to tax evasion, bank fraud, campaign finance violations, and other charges today in New York. And—the best part—while entering his plea, Cohen admit that he paid porn star Stormy Daniels "at the direction of the candidate."

WE GOT HIM! IT'S OVER! OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE HAS COME TO AN END! BETTER CELEBRATE NOW, BOYS AND GIRLS, CAUSE PRESIDENT PENCE IS ABOUT TO BAN CO-ED DINNERS!!!

Or, more likely, Trump will immediately pardon both Manafort and Cohen, they'll shut the fuck up before Robert Mueller can turn them in, and the truest thing Trump has ever said—"I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and not lose any voters"—will come back to haunt us once again. Don't get too excited, America. I'm guessing we won't be rid of the Tan King until he's dead.