First, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. I am a recovering evangelical who spent the first 25 or so years of my life completely fucked up about sex. Then I discovered your column. I’m now in my late 30s, a raging atheist, having the most and best sex of my life, and have felt comfortable exploring many different kinks and aspects of my sexuality. Which brings me to my current problem.
I absolutely love dick but I also find women attractive. I’ve been dying to find a couple to play with so I can explore what it’s like to be with a woman. I’m attractive, fit, smart, and personable. I should be a fucking unicorn-seeking couple's wet dream, Dan, but it’s been weirdly hard to connect with a couple who is both attractive and not creepy. One guy I connected with on Tinder got really salty when I refused to meet for the first time at his house for guaranteed sex with him and his GF; another guy seemed cool but then got weird and told me all about his psychic powers, etc.
Then I connected with a really hot woman who was super cool and smart and friendly, and whose husband is also one of the most beautiful humans I’ve ever seen in real life (pic enclosed; you’re welcome). We met at a bar, and instantly connected. I felt so comfortable with them that I ended up going home with them. Mind. Blown. And it’s not just the sex—I went over again and found them making pot brownies and tacos. We at delicious food and got high and hung out and watched tv and had more mind-blowing sex.
Which turned out to be a bit of a problem in my next experience. Same beginning—I matched with a really cool and cute woman (let’s call her "Liz") who is specifically interested in helping women explore their newly discovered proclivities for women. She told me that her BF "Joe" was throwing a hot tub party Saturday and they had invited a few like-minded women over. No pressure, super low-key, he’d probably just keep his clothes on, bartend, and let the ladies get to know each other. I told her that I wasn’t comfortable going to a stranger’s house and would rather meet in public first. She said yes, of course, no problem, but would I like to start a group chat with her and her BF so that I could get to know him a little?
It started out fine. There was some flirting, some innuendo, some actual exchange of information about our lives, but then he started to get really sexually explicit. Like, he’d ask me what I was doing, and when I said I was working, he told me to imagine him tying me to a chair in a dark corner of the office and licking my pussy. I actually love bondage, Dan, but I had never told him that, so I thought it was incredibly inappropriate and creepy (especially since I found him really unattractive from his pics). So I wrote back and told them that I would be skipping their party, since he’d gone from, "This is low-pressure, I probably won’t participate; this is all about the ladies,” to, “Imagining me tying you up and molesting you at your workplace.”
Both of them instantly wrote back and apologized. He said he’d misread things, he had just been trying to turn me on, he was really really sorry, he’s not really a creep, he feels like such an asshole, etc. They asked if I wanted to meet them out for a drink that night. I still had misgivings, but they said all the right things, and also told me that another friend of theirs would be there. So I met them at a restaurant.
When I got there it was just as I thought—she’s cute as hell; him, I would not fuck with someone else’s vagina. But we started talking, and it was really pleasant. I found out that he had never actually met the other woman—let’s call her Sheila—but they'd been texting for months. Apparently, Sheila sends him pictures of all the guys she meets/fucks. I thought she was kind of nuts but nice and we were having a good time. There was a weird moment, though. When I came back from the bathroom she had moved over to the bench next to him, and he had his arms at both of their backs sort of giving them one handed massages. He looked at me and said, “Sorry, I only have two hands!” This creeped me out a little, because I’d done nothing to suggest that I wanted a massage, and he was supposedly trying to convince me he wasn’t an inappropriate creep. Eventually the restaurant closed. Sheila had to be up at 5 AM for work but said she was up for another drink. Liz suggested her place, which was only two blocks away, but not if that made anyone uncomfortable. I would like to stress that I would NOT have gone had it just been the two of them—Liz & Joe—but I went and soon we were chilling on the patio. While Liz was getting us drinks, Joe came up and said, “May I?”, and without waiting for me to answer started massaging my shoulders. I didn’t really want him to but then he hit exactly the right spot and it felt amazing, so I didn’t stop him, but then he started kissing my neck. I shrugged him off and walked away.
Then Sheila got a phone call from some dude who wanted to know where she was, because apparently she’d told him they would hang out. I got the impression that this other guy had no idea she was fucking a bunch of other dudes, especially since she flat-out lied about where she was and who she was with. When she hung up, Joe started yelling at her for lying. I grew up with an abusive stepfather with a rage problem and then narrowly escaped marrying someone with similar issues, Dan, so this was outright triggering for me. I got up and said, “Hey, I’m going to go,” which pissed off Joe even more. Liz and Joe both followed me inside, and then Joe started yelling at LIZ because she had told him to lay off and refused to kick Sheila out of her house, saying things like, "This is your fault, how can you stand to have a liar in your house!”, blah blah blah, and Liz was saying stuff like, “I’ve never met this woman, I’m not going to judge her,” etc. At that point I slipped out the door, and as I was leaving, I heard him yelling, “See? Now we’re going to lose HER because she’s not a liar and doesn’t want to be around liars and you refuse to kick the liar out! This is YOUR FAULT!” I’m not sure what made him think they “had” me, or that I was mad at Liz, who had been lovely the whole time. I thought about calling an Uber but didn’t want to wait for a car because I was actually afraid he’d come after me. It wasn’t far, so I walked home because I wanted to GTFO ASAP.
The next morning I saw that the group chat had messages from the previous night. They had both been messaging me that they were sorry, they really liked me, I shouldn’t walk home, etc. Then Joe texted that HE HAD FOLLOWED ME TO MAKE SURE I GOT HOME OKAY. I felt a little dumb for not having realized I was being followed. I wrote back and told him that if he ever contacted me again I would report him to his command (we are both military; this is a nuclear option). Thankfully he was smart enough not to reply. I think my threat resonated enough that he’ll leave me alone, but I am not pleased that this totally unbalanced guy knows where I live. I’m looking over my shoulder every time I leave my house.
In retrospect, it’s easy to see all the places I went wrong. As soon as he made me uncomfortable over text I should have disengaged. I shouldn’t have met them out. I shouldn’t have gone back to Liz’s place. I should have fucking slapped him and left when he started kissing my neck. I should have realized he was following me and called the police. But I’d had such a good experience with the first couple that I listened to what they said and didn’t pay close enough attention to what they did. My question for you is this: Was I a complete idiot? I know there are never any guarantees, but is there a set of rules you can recommend to me for finding a couple to play with that doesn’t actually endanger my safety? I’m so discouraged, even though this makes me appreciate the first couple all the more.
Discouraged Unicorn Disengages
P.S. I told the first couple what had happened and they were FURIOUS. They offered to have me over if I didn’t feel safe, and the guy said that if Joe ever contacted me I should invite him out and he’d go in my place. I fucking love these people.
P.P.S. I know you’ll enjoy the pic of the guy more, but I’m including one of me so you know I’m not kidding when I say I should be the perfect unicorn.
A couple is a package deal. And Joe self-servingly and inaccurately figured you wouldn’t have been there — in that group chat, out to drinks, on their patio — if you weren’t at least interested in the whole package. Not interested in Liz only, DUD, but interested in Liz and Joe, the package deal on offer.
I know, I know: when they first invited you to that hot tub party, Joe and Liz downplayed Joe's involvement: "No pressure, super low-key, he’d probably just keep his clothes on..."
That "probably" was a red flag.
In the context of a couple seeking a third, DUD, that strategically-placed, craftily-deployed "probably" negated the assurances that came before and after it. Joe and Liz wanted to get you to their party and if the only way to do that was by assuring you Joe didn't have to be involved — which, again, is not an assurance that Joe wouldn't be involved — they were prepared to offer you that assurance. But once they got you to the party under very-nearly-false pretenses (again, they never said Joe wouldn't be involved), DUD, Joe was hoping, either consciously or subconsciously (but most likely consciously), that you would consent to his involvement. And if your consent was half-hearted and unenthusiastic, if you only offered your consent because you didn't want to make a scene or be confrontational, that was fine with Joe — and with Liz too, most likely.
I’m not blaming you for what came next, DUD. Joe shouldn’t have made the moves he did, he should’ve waited for a "yes" before starting in on that massage, he shouldn’t have followed your home (!!!), and no one should be a ranting, raving asshole — but you’re not asking me to unpack the dumb, unnerving, and inappropriate things Joe did. You're asking me to identify any unforced errors you might've made. And so far as I can see, DUD, there were two.
I already unpacked the first — not spotting "probably" for the problem it was — and now here's the second: As soon as you realized you weren’t interested in Joe, DUD, you should’ve bailed on the Liz and Joe package.
Your letter is long and I don't have the time to reread the whole thing, DUD, but if I recall correctly you had more than one opportunity to bail on L&J: after you saw Joe's pics and realized he wasn't someone you'd ever want to mess around with; after Joe sent you presumptuous text messages that made you feel uncomfortable; after Joe assumed you'd want his hands on you (at the bar, before the four of you headed back to Liz's place); after Joe asked if he could touch you and then began touching you without waiting for your consent.
The lesson you need to carry forward from this experience: “Next time I'm really not into someone and/or their behavior makes me uncomfortable, I’m out.”
And here's a pro-tip: That other couple? That cool, friendly, smart, and hot woman whose husband happens to be one of the most beautiful humans you’ve ever seen? They were obviously interested in getting together with you again — their reaction to the Joe and Liz fiasco is proof — which means you could've been over at Hot Woman and Beautiful Husband's house instead of wasting your time on Joe and Liz's patio. Unicorns are rare, it's true, but it's rare for a unicorn to find a hot, cool, together M&F package where both halves are equally attractive. When you find a package like that, DUD, stop looking — not forever, not unless you become an exclusive triad, but for a little while.
P.S. They sound awesome! Again: Why were you wasting your time on Liz and Joe when this couple — both of them attractive, neither of them creepy — was available?
P.P.S. Please consider making a film for HUMP! with this guy. All the info you need about making and submitting a film for HUMP! is here.
P.P.P.S. A thought experiment: If you'd found Joe physically attractive — if his pics were anywhere near as hot as that other guy's pics — would you have thought it was creepy when he said he wanted to tie you to a chair and eat your pussy or would you have thought "jackpot"?