Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: He said he just got busy with work—should she see him again? Should he ask his girlfriend to have a threesome with his ex-wife? Her husband is taking Viagra on the down low—should she tell him she knows? And a creepy couple creeps out a budding new unicorn. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, some thoughts for He's 40, She's 16—She's Also His Girlfriend's Niece. What Could Go Wrong?:

Just to follow up on your response to SSFN, as someone who spent an extended period of time traveling with someone a decade older than me when I was eighteen, I would fully reinforce your message of telling SSFN to BACK THE FUCK UP, BUDDY. If he's someone who's allowed himself to spend extended periods of time holding hands with his girlfriend's SIXTEEN-YEAR OLD NIECE, and has given himself free reign to sexually fantasise about (oh sorry - 'have a crush' on) a child, it's more than likely he's not been fully considerate when flirting with his girlfriend's niece (who is a child).

The man I travelled with when I was eighteen noted that I was very mature for my age (I wasn't, I just knew some long words), highlighted that he'd not had his first romantic/sexual encounters until later in life (so was more like me?), asked me if I saw age as significant (which, obviously, as someone socially pliant under mild pressure and Living In His Car, I said no! I don't see age as a thing! to), and then proceeded to

A) 'offer' me a kiss (and when I said 'I'll think about it', which should have been read as NOPE THX YOU'VE SHOT YOUR SHOT, proceeded to say that I ought to not think about it for too long, which is skeeve central and deeply manipulative)

B) suggest that we spoon, and then got handsier and handsier

Like SSFN, the man never saw himself as overstepping any boundaries, saw it as an equitable relationship, and never did anything which I'd said 'no' to. But he did, in fact, overstep my boundaries because I was eighteen and sufficiently unsure of myself that I wouldn't say no to him, not because I was comfortable with what was going on, but because, particularly as a woman, learning to say no to things is really very difficult. Also, if you're seeing a lot of someone due to circumstance (as the niece seems to be, or as I was, due to travelling with the man), it can be even more difficult and frightening, as a young person/child, to try and establish boundaries, and tell someone to please back off. On top of this, part of the reason I'd felt comfortable talking to and travelling with him was that he reminded me of family (again, quite possibly a dynamic in SSFN's case, given he's old enough to be her dad and is dating her aunt), and being hit on and fucked by someone you see as family does not do good things for you. That encounter messed me up for a long time, left me deeply uncomfortable with sex and close relationships just as I was going into university, and left me with issues around sex and relationships that I'm still untangling and attempting to deal with.

So yeah - SSFN, you may think it's all a cute crush on someone who's 'just like you', but three decades younger. It's not. Back the fuck up, and try to show some basic care and consideration for someone very young, in a vulnerable position, and who's at a very impressionable stage of their development. You're an adult - try to fucking act like one.

And now, a response from the letter-writer himself:

I wrote to you last week as a 40-year-old man on the brink of doing something he shouldn't with his girlfriend's 16-year-old niece. My letter provoked a strong reaction from you ("Do not fuck this girl!") and from your readers, who almost universally condemned me as a pedophile or predator. Some of them have expressed genuine concern about this girl's welfare and I wanted to reassure them and you: I wrote to you not because I wanted your blessing, but because I wanted your help in getting me out of a situation that (while of my own making) I knew to be wrong.

I asked for strength, and not only did your words provide it, so did the words of your readers. You said it was a given we would be found out if we did anything, that after a couple of months of hurt I'd likely skate away from this scot-free while she'd be blamed by some of her family for the rest of her life. You're right, and that alone is enough to rethink my interactions with her. But what really shook me was the comment from one of your readers, who made the point that maybe she just sees me as a father-figure, and I'm mistaking that for flirting.

The thing is, her actual father has always been an indifferent shit, so this rings true. It's part of the reason she stays so often with us. I'm sure I'm not misinterpreting her behavior (I've crushed on and I've been crushed on before, and know what it looks like), but if there's even a 1% chance I'm wrong any move from me would completely shatter her and I won't allow that.

I realised that by continuing the hand-holding all I was doing was maintaining the fantasy that something could happen between us. But that's all it could ever be: a fantasy. So it has to stop. I've followed your advice and taken steps to stop her from staying with us. Her regular room is to become a study I'll use for a new business venture, and the holiday we were due to take together later this year I'm canceling under the pretence of having to work (by the time it can be rearranged, she'll be studying away). I only hope that she doesn't come to see me as indifferent a shit as her father, but that's probably a small price to pay for not ruining the rest of her life.

On the Savage Lovecast:

Love the podcast and have been listening to it for years. One thing, in the latest podcast, why is it that you called slim women "skinny bitches"? It sounds like that's used to make bigger women feel more comfortable about themselves, but we don't need to degrade skinny women so bigger women feel better about themselves. Thats unfair, don't you thnk? :) Thanks again for everything you've done.

And:

I had a comment for you about the topic with the woman who has weight concerns regarding dating. Referencing "skinny bitches" and "bigger women" is unfair and offensive. No matter if they are skinny, medium, bigger.. they are all women. Calling one group bitches and the other women is ultimately shaming one group.

Calling women bitches at all is also offensive. When is calling anyone a bitch ever used in a positive way? Never, sadly. Love your show, adore you, but please refrain from using the word 'bitch' as it is (to my knowledge) only used to describe the group that is somehow 'lesser than' or used to describe men that are 'weak' (also offensive to women). "Stop being a little bitch" comes to mind, aka, stop being like a woman, which is lesser than.

Wanted to offer my thoughts. Much appreciation for all topics you cover, the awareness you bring to all groups.

In my defense...

I'm pro-bitches, skinny or otherwise, because—like Tina said—bitches get stuff done.

Regarding the man who wonders if he should ask his girlfriend to have a threesome with his ex-wife:

Straightish woman here and I agree, DDD should be honest with his girlfriend. Then her suspicions of his weakness intentions to cheat on her can be confirmed, and she can DTMFA and find someone who truly respects how "great" she is. Otherwise, the only way I can see this maybe MAYBE working is if the ex-wife propositions the girlfriend and they start their own text/flirt/ongoing sexual relationship (without DDD but with his blessing). Then they can fuck out this five-year resentment towards each other, and, if DDD is lucky, they might decide to bring him into the bedroom. Thanks for your column by the way! I read it every day on my commute home from work!

For Afraid To Bleed:

A thought about Afraid To Bleed's post: why is she bleeding so frequently? Bleeding "whenever she has sex" might be something too look into, and most likely not pleasurable at all for her in the first place. I agree with your answer but I think she may need to check her body is fine too, if she hasn't done so yet.

And:

About the girl called Afraid to Bleed whose partner freaks out when she bleeds a tiny bit during intercourse: she should see her OBGYN. It could very well be a medical condition like endometriosis, a fibroid tumor in her uterus, or polyps on her cervix. Been there, had all three.

And:

I've been reading your column for a bazillion years but rarely have occasion to comment. But I'm drunk right now, yay! Anyway, I also bleed a little during sex. Always have. While your advice was spot on, in the meanwhile I recommend lots of foreplay and LUBE. Some people have thin tissue in their vaginal walls (especially people who happen to have an elevated level of testosterone), or bleed from cervical stimulation. If her ATB's vaginal walls are fully aroused, engorged, and lubricated, it might help stem the tide, and also keep her boyfriend's dick away from her cervix by lengthening the vaginal canal.

And:

This is sometimes an early sign of cervical cancer. She needs to see her gynecologist ASAP. I am a middle-aged HIV/oncologist in Arkansas who enjoys your column.

Follow-up from OPENER:

My husband and I wanted to thank you and your commenters so much! All the comments made me realize that I had an issue with measuring and comparing myself. I also realize I may not explain everything well in the letter. This conversation I described in the letter happened over a 15 hour period neither I nor my husband had done anything with anyone at all. Since getting your feedback I have read many blogs and articles about successful open relationships. I have read Opening Up by Tristan Taramino. I have read articles about insecurity and jealousy in open relationships and how to manage it. So we have had many conversations and started developing our guidelines to whats ok and whats not ok in our open relationship. I have also started therapy, exercising and eating better to deal with my issues. We had decided to wait a year before we open it up. This gives me time to work on my self esteem and self worth issues. It also gives me time to get in better emotional and physical shape. I have learned that what my husband is seeking is variety in sex experiences. I have learned that its not about the women being better she's just different. Now what we have worked out is that it will be best for us to do a temporary open relationship 3-5 years depending on what happens. My husband has reassured me that this isnt baout replacing me and I am his life partner. Its just about adventure and different experiences. All this talk has actually bought us much closer. We have gone to strip clubs together and talked more about our attractions. I no longer feel as threatened. So again Dan thank you so much! Your show has really helped my life!!