Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Drugs are "deal breaker" for her—should he tell her he uses shrooms once in a while? She wants her current to fuck her like her ex did—and her ex is willing to show her current how it's done. Is her partner a pedophile or has she turned into her Born Again Christian mother? Plus, another very fake Savage Love Letter of the Day. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On May Day:

I'm a new listener of the Lovecast but I've been listening to a lot of the episodes from the archives in a short time. Love the show! I know that voice messages are meant for the Lovecast, but I rather write because I'm not a native English speaker.

I've noticed that you use the phrase "a May day parade's worth of red flags" a lot. I also noticed on student exchange that a lot of Americans had the idea that Mayday = communism/socialism. Maybe that's what it is in the States but to me this concept sounds really weird.

Here in Finland we celebrate May day (1st of May and actually also May day's Eve 31st of April) every year and it's probably the biggest celebration right after Christmas. It has absolutely nothing to do with communism and there is not a red flag in sight anywhere. Here May day is actually an ancient tradition to mark the beginning of spring, since April is very much a winter month here.

Nowadays May day is a national holiday and involves a lot of partying, picnics and everyone is wearing their high school graduation caps the whole day (even in the streets). There is actually a tradition that a university student organization gives a high school graduation cap to this one specific statue of a woman and the statue wears it on May day. That tradition is so popular that a huge crowd gathers to watch her get her cap and it is also shown on television. May day celebrations also would not be complete without the typical May day foods - funnel cakes, donuts, sausages, potato salad, sparkling wine and most importantly sima (Finnish very low alcohol mead). Children get balloons that are shaped like animals or cartoon characters, funny carnival masks and serpentine streamers.

Not sure if anyone even reads this email, but I just wanted to say these things because that phrase sounds so strange to me and other Finns that I've talked with about this. Best regards from a Finnish 24-year-old fan of the show!

On surrogates:

I love your column but must disagree with a point you recently cited. On the question of whether surrogate partners are technically sex workers, you quote Dr. Vena Blanchard as saying this: “A patient working with a surrogate partner is there to heal old injuries or break out of bad patterns so they can have a relationship in the future. People go to sex workers for an immediate experience — the agenda is sexual and about right now, not therapeutic and about the future.”

This is total BS. I’m speaking from my own experience seeing escorts to work through psychosexual difficulties (basically the same reasons and approaches that, for Dr. Blanchard, bring people to surrogate parters). And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone, given what I’ve heard from escorts and from many Savage Love columns advising people to seek therapeutic help from sex workers. But this is the important point: this distinction between therapy (aimed at future growth, hence good and important) and sex work (aimed at immediate gratification, hence frivolous) supports the idea that sex work isn’t real work, complete with therapeutic and social consequence (to be sure, it’s valid work regardless of therapeutic application). If advocating for the legitimacy of surrogate partners means downgrading the legitimacy of sex workers, this distinction is garbage. But also, why even bother drawing the line-in-the-sand between “sex work” and “not sex work”? If it’s legitimate work, isn’t it a moot question?

On an unrelated and far more pedantic note, I also want to complain about the term “ethical non-monogamy.” I don’t think the ethics of non-monogamy are in question, such that they have to be specified (no one ever admits to practicing “ethically dubious monogamy”). Plus, calling something “ethical” rarely makes it so.

On being asked to keep your mouth shut:

@fakedansavage Thanks for the latest episode! I always knew that it was wrong when a guy told/ expected me to keep our short but very meaningful (to me) fling ‘between us only’ but I couldn’t put into words why it was wrong. We have the right to share our experiences!
— Dana (@astoldbydana1) August 28, 2018

On Facebook fighting:

A Facebook "friend" commented on 1 of my posts, calling someone a "Trump-hating liberal." I quickly responded that I was also a "Trump-hating liberal." He said, if that was true, he was sorry to hear it, and that he never uses the word "hate," but was used to hearing it from the left.

I usually avoid FB arguments, but he was so condescending that I had to respond, and remembered the response you suggested to the guy who called in to your "Pineapples" episode, after he noticed that a girl he liked had a Trump sticker. I paraphrased what you said, plus added my own twist. Here's my response:

Yes, lots of hate on both sides! I rarely use that term myself. Sadly, for me, Trump is the exception. IMHO, he is a misogynistic, racist, sexual predator, who coordinated with a foreign govt. to violate the security of the American presidential election, is dismantling the Atlantic Alliance and NATO, destroying choice, attacking the air we breathe, the water we drink, the free press, and the LGBTQ's, and worst of all, separating children from their parents at our borders. So, yeah, I do hate him, and I'm equally sorry to hear you support him.

Thanks for your help in replying to this Trump-lover! I felt so good afterward!

On shrooms:

Your advice to shroom guy was reasonable enough, but the consensus in the comments seemed to be that he had a moral obligation to disclose, since it’s never ok to lie to get laid. I disagree. If you ask a prospective sexual partner (or employee or relative for that matter) for personal info which is not your business, then you have no right to the truth, and you should not expect the truth.

When I was applying for academic jobs, BYU wanted to know whether I could “live a life consistent with the principles of the LDS church” or something. In practice, I think this meant no public alcohol or caffeine, so as not to set a bad example for the students, which I thought I could handle. But I am sure if I asked them officially, they would have said they didn’t want me to do it at home either. I considered saying “yes” and just assuming the “in public” was implicit—i.e lying. But really, what I did in my home was not their business, and if I needed the job badly enough, I would have slept fine at night. In the end, thankfully, I got something else and didn’t have to bother.

Once-yearly, private shroom use has no relevance to anyone but the LW, so he should feel free to keep it to himself or disclose as he sees fit.

I'm currently recovering from surgery and in lieu of flowers or get-well cards, I asked my readers/listeners to get themselves something nice at www.ImpeachTheMotherfuckerAlready.com or email me a picture of their boyfriends' butts. Here's a small sampling of the pick-me-up butts that have come in...

Per your request*, Dan...

And:

You (and my wife) I credit with changing my life and mind about love and sex. Oooh the stories we could tell. This is from a few weeks ago this summer — that’s me and to the right is my wife. I think I have a nice butt!!*

You do! And:

Just listening to episode 618 and heard about your surgery. Hope you recover well (no bf, but here's a pic of my rear-end*)

And can I ask a question? I'm a mid-twenties gay from a small town who has lived in a small city for the last six years. I just got a promotion and will be moving to Chicago! I have never been there and know no one who lives there. I am certainly LTR-oriented and want to know your best advice for finding a group of friends and maybe a date. I figure the friends group first would be most important.

Thank you for the lovely picture! The advice for finding your way in… is to find your way out. Outside your apartment, I mean. Join some clubs, volunteer for an org you support, become a regular at a gym, create patterns that force you to get out there and do more than your job and that allow you to interact with people who share your interests.

Congrats on the new job and good luck in Chicago. It’s a wonderful town with lots of great people. Lots of assholes, too, like everywhere else. Do your best to avoid the assholes and be self-critical and self-aware enough not to be or become an asshole yourself.

*Everyone consented to having their butts shown.