Missed the fourth option for RS: break up becasue you're sexually incompatible.

What if RS has his bf invite a spank bud to join the two of them? Maybe that could work out for him.

Yeah, I'm with Dan on LW1. Hopefully GF will keep getting dumped for her ridiculous demands until she realizes she needs to grow up a bit.

This hostility because someone would rather not be with someone who uses drugs? First off, if she says drug use is a deal breaker, that doesn't mean she's necessarily opposed to the occasional recreational use of natural substances. I don't want to be around drug users either. When I say drug user, I tend to think of meth heads and junkies. But likewise, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who gets stoned everyday either even though I know plenty of healthy and smart people do. So first off, I'd clarify what she means instead of jumping to the conclusion that she can't tell the difference between drug abuse and rare recreational usage. Second off, even if she is opposed to all drug use, including recreational use of natural substances, I don't understand why this is judged any more harshly (by Dan or by Gato) than any other very specific preference. She isn't saying she wants to support the criminalization of such things. She says it's a deal breaker for her. For some people, being monogamous is a dealbreaker. For others, not being into a foot fetish is a dealbreaker. If for her, if not being 100% straight edge is a deal breaker, then why be so harsh and call her immature and a waste of dick? It simply means she has a very narrow pool of potential mates that she has honestly declared beforehand.

Better advice- yes be honest and up front about your limited drug use. This will clarify what she means and determine if you are compatible. And don't take it any more personally than you would if you discovered that she is not compatible with you because she's into BDSM and you are not, etc.

@3 How is listing drug use as a deal breaker in an online profile a “ridiculous demand?” She’s not demanding anything of him, she just stated a personal limit, and she most likely did it before she even knew he existed. We don’t know how hard that limit is, or how long ago she created that profile. Maybe she won’t care a bit that he’s using shrooms every other year, she just doesn’t want to end up with a hardcore meth abuser. Maybe that was five years ago, and she’s relaxed a bit since but never bothered to update her profile. There’s no way to know except talking to her about it, so inferring that she’s being immature without getting more information is, well, kind of immature.

I personally consider "drug use" to be anything hardcore, heroin with needles, meth, oxy. The addictive stuff. I don't consider the occasional spliff "drug use", any more than I consider half a bottle of wine to be drug use. LW1 needs to get his FWB to clarify where she stands. Why do people just not use their words?

The thing is, you guys, he totally wants to have sex with her and she won't want to have sex with him if she knows. He is entitled to that sex so yeah of course he shouldn't tell her, ever, because then he won't get to have sex with her! He's lucky she was up front about it because otherwise he might accidentally say something and then he wouldn't get the sex.

I wouldn't assume someone who doesn't want to be around drug users is naive and stupid and doesn't understand drugs. I would tend to assume the opposite actually. There's a good chance she has a history of drug problems in her own life and wants to avoid going back to bad habits. This isn't the 50s any more people know what mushrooms even if they didn't read a book about it.

We don't know why this woman has listed drug use as a deal breaker but she has every right to draw her own boundaries. She being upfront and honest and as Dan often points out, you tell someone one thing about you and their reaction tells you everything you need to know about them.

LW is revealing himself to be someone willing to be deceptive in order to get what he likes. I'm surprised Dan came down so hard on the girl in question.

Another option for Reluctantly Spanking: get a couple of paddles, canes, crops, etc, and take a couple of classes to learn how to use them to deliver the experience your partner wants without hurting your hand. In the process, you may meet other people (nice people!) who like getting spanked, and that may make the whole thing less of a libido killer -- especially given the reduced effort with the right tools.

Also, maybe trade off evenings: a fun spanking for him one Friday, and then on Saturday (or the next Friday) he attends enthusiastically to your sexual needs.

My advice is the same for both LWs. FIND A BETTER MATCH. Stop trying to pound that square peg into a round hole. Find the peg that matches your hole. Aaaahhh, there, now. Isn’t that better?

An occasional mushroom is not drug use. Just tell her LW1, and if she freaks about a very seldom taking of mushrooms, then it’s best you both clear that up now.

I'm betting what the girl in Letter #1 really meant is that a f*cking drug addict is a deal breaker for her. And kudos to her for that. I'd rule out a drug addict too. I doubt what LW#1 has described himself to be will be a deal breaker for her.

I'm with #5 and #10 and especially #9 on LW1. Deal-breakers don't need to be reasonable, period. Also, even the occasional, non-problematic drug use might trigger, let' say, a recovering addict (or family member of an addict). Which, if such were the case here, is still entirely her business and she does not need to provide any justification whatsoever for not fucking certain types of people. I can't believe this has even to be pointed out.

As a drug user, I don't think that stating on her profile that drug use is a dealbreaker necessarily means she is 100% opposed to all drug use, however infrequent. My sense was that possibly she dated a drug abuser in the past and wants to avoid that happening again. The only way to know, as Dan says, is to tell her that you take shrooms a couple of times a year and see whether that passes her sniff test.

Gatoverde @3: How are you "with Dan"? Dan never said that SHROOMS should dump this woman. And again, speaking as a drug user, wanting a partner who is drug free is not a "ridiculous demand," it is a preference, possibly one that's justified by past experiences. I think it's you who needs to grow up a bit.

Erica @11: RS isn't hurting his hand, he's hurting his partner. It's not possible to give the partner the pain he craves without hurting him!

@5, 7, and 10...THANK you, I was beginning to think I was the only one who saw that comment as being rather snide and unhelpful. I'm a little shocked that DAN, who expresses the importance of boundaries and disclosing them upfront, acts like SHE'S the immature one out of bounds here. He's barely met this girl and already he's ready to hide his drug use from her just to have sex with her...knowing it's a BIG deal for her? You're right, Dan, she doesn't deserve his dick--she deserves honest dick.

I don't think she's being unreasonable at all. If you've ever had to babysit your stoned boyfriend because he's a "recreational user" who gets high as fuck and ends up a danger to himself and others...and his heart stops and you have to wake the dumb fuck up...or he shows up nearly incapacitated to pick you up for a date and doesn't disclose this info until he nearly kills you both...and can't perform half the time because his "recreational" use starts to turn chronic... then, YEAH...drugs could EASILY become a little bit of a deal-breaker. And if he's willing to lie to her THIS soon, over this, I wouldn't be a bit shocked if she becomes an SL write-in, herself.

Does this no drugs also include tea coffee and alcohol. Having a mushroom hit every other yr hardly constitutes as drug use.
Tell her LW, if she’s concerned for whatever reason, best to know before either of you get too involved.

Dear Dan-- I went on a date with a very attractive, intelligent and nice girl a few years my junior some days ago. She wrote in her profile that she has a sexual kink and it's a must for her that anyone she dates must be into her kink. It's a dealbreaker for her if someone isn't at least accepting of her kink. Now, I happen to hate that kink. Should I tell her immediately that I will never be okay with that kink, later in the relationship, or not at all?

Dan's answer: Buy her a book! That will solve everything! But first, let's insult her and compliment you. Your dick is the important thing here.

Oh hell. I'm trying to do sarcasm right when Ankyl in 8 is the acknowledged winner in that department. That post wins the thread.

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to clarify while revealing. SHROOMS could say "I see your dealbreaker about drug use and wanted to make sure we're talking about the same thing. I've used magic mushrooms maybe a dozen times total over 5 years and might do some more at some point. Are those included in your dealbreaker? It's important for me to know how things like alcohol, aspirin, prozac, painkillers after surgery, novocaine at the dentist, fit into your definition of drugs.

People often get huffy and offended when they see one of their own traits listed among someone else's dealbreakers- even when that person is a random stranger- which may be why Dan's advice is so oddly hostile. For the record, drug use is a relationship dealbreaker for me too, and that would include recreational hallucinogens. The LW's date may feel differently, but the only way to make sure is for everyone to use their words.

I’m glad commenters are supporting her right to set her own boundaries and choose partners according to her own criteria.

It sounds like he just wants to fuck her, not get to know her. But the way to handle this is actually to ask open-ended, nonjudgmental questions. Not so much “exactly which substances how often” and more “tell me your story that formed this point of view.”

I’m a teetotaling adult child of a severe alcoholic, married for 20 years to a guy who has a drink every day and gets stoned at least weekly, because he is able to talk reasonably and nondefensively about his choices and nonjudgmentally about mine.

Or, SHROOMS, give her a bit more of a chance to get to know you, wait a couple more dates to raise the issue (particularly since as others have addressed very well, "drug use" can mean many things). Then what she's had a chance to learn about YOU will be a context in which she can reassess her prejudice. You don't need to rush into doing so after just one date.

If RS can't be open to letting their BF get spanked by others, it sounds like they aren't compatible.

Tell her about the shrooms.

She may very well mean "I don't want to be with someone who is high all the time", and you will be fine.

She may very well mean "I grew up with addict parents, and I don't want to deal with the 'is he lying? does he really do way more than he's telling me?' BS that's in my own head as a result of how I grew up, so I'm just going to avoid it by vetoing all drug use"

She may very well mean "I'm an addict in recovery. Booze was never really my go-to, so I can handle being with a social drinker. But drugs are different, I need to draw a hard line there for my own protection".

She may very well mean "I have a stick up my ass and can't handle anyone having any fun"

Only way to find out is to talk about it.

@24 You sound like a level-headed, reasonable person. I think you have it right that this guy just wants to fuck her, not get to know her - and a reasonable person might expect that standards for a casual fuck are a bit less stringent than standards for a serious relationship.

Alas, not everyone is as reasonable as you. I missed out on a hookup when I was in college because the (older, more established) guy took exception to my request that he pick me up at the train station a mile from his house. He said he wanted someone more "together," despite a roommate and no car being pretty normal for a college student and that, like this LW, I didn't want to date him, just fuck him. Still, both parties have to say yes for sex to happen, so neither of us got laid that night.

@21 IMO that isn't a good analogy because the assumption for most people is that a relationship means they will be doing their sexual kink together. For many that is the whole point of relationships. Recreational drug use does not have the same assumption.

This is really more like if someone said "eating gluten is a deal breaker for me" or "knitting is a deal breaker for me." She is certainly entitled to her boundaries, but others are entitled to thinking her boundaries are ridiculous and/or based on misinformation or ignorance. That doesn't mean they are entitled to figure out a way around the boundary - no matter how ridiculous a boundary is, you still shouldn't cross it. He should have gotten clarification before that first date.

@28 Blazn "He should have gotten clarification before that first date."

I agree, I hadn't thought it through @25, my bad.

At this point, it sounds like LW's future drug use is entirely hypothetical. He's done shrooms in the past, would contemplate doing so in the future, but at present has no plans to do so any time in the future, and potentially might never do so again.

While drug use is a deal breaker, I don't think anyone could reasonably construe that to mean past drug use is a deal breaker. Accordingly, so long as LW is not currently using drugs, I see no reason why he cannot enter into a casual sexual relationship with this woman. If he ultimately choses to do drugs in the future, he is free to breakup with her before doing so.

@30 SublimeAfterglow
Yeah! I changed my mind again. I'm back to suggesting he bring it up after a couple more dates as I suggested @25. Sheesh, I'm unaccustomed to debates where so many opposing points sound persuasive to me, so I'll just check out now and spare y'all further waffling on my part.

BDF @18

RS knows how to end the relationship over this issue. But RS was looking for other options. In my experience, one reason why giving a hard spanking might be a libido killer is because it's painful (for your hand) and a lot of work. So I suggested ways to make it less of a chore. Maybe RS will never enjoy it, but learning not to hate it might give the two of them a chance to stay together.

@32 ,that's definitely a possibility, but I think it's equally as feasible that RS is turned off by either putting their man in that much pain that he would cry, OR, is turned off by their partner crying in a sexual scenario in the first place. The only possible way for RS to truly overcome it and indulge their partner is to identify exactly WHAT about this turns RS off.

Having flogged partners to tears, I can attest that making someone sob is an intense experience, and if you're not wired to enjoy the physicality of impact play and cannot find any pleasure in topping or in your partners' enjoyment of being struck, then you're not going to enjoy a scene in which your partner is left in tears.

My only suggestion for RS is that he tries to understand what being spanked means and does for his boyfriend. Perhaps he can come to see this as something his partner needs, and that fulfilling this need can be as satisfying as making his partner feel good in sexual ways. I would note that if RS finds the submissive aspects of his partner's sexuality to be a turnoff, then this path to resolution will not succeed.

For me, impact play really isn't sexual in the way that kissing, oral sex, and vaginal intercourse are sexual. I think that holds true for many spankos, and if RS can appreciate that fact, he might be more willing to allow his boyfriend to get spanked regularly by one of his old friends, but if RS cannot see is way to giving his boyfriend a hall pass to indulge his need to get spanked either, than this relationship needs to end no matter how ideal it is otherwise.

I don’t read he’s wanting to omit his seldom drug intake just to bed her. First sentence, he says what a lovely woman she is, and it’s only been one date. And here he is days later, not months , seeking advice. Also, this relationship is not destined to be a primary one.
So which drugs does she mean. Coffee tea and alcohol are drugs as well.
I think it’s a good sign re what sort of man you are LW, to be so quick to reflect. Tell your truth in your life, saves having to remember which lie, however small, you told to which person.

Don't tell her. Stay off coke. She's probably trying to avoid stoners, not tourists.

Anybody who already has a primary partner, yet thinks that her opinion on what is and is not appropriate to eat/smoke/drink should be binding on people who are destined to become, at best, casual partners, should be dumped mercilessly and laughed out of her community for being a control freak with a too-high opinion of her own significance to the rest of the world. Girlfriend, you're not nearly important enough to rate that kind of input over what he does when you aren't around.

If we were talking needle-use, that would be one thing, because his habits put her life at risk. This does not rise to that level. What you eat when she isn't around is frankly not information that she's entitled to.

Re: RS -- "Dear Dan, I know exactly what my choices are here, I just don't think I should have to choose any of them, 'cuz I don't wanna. What should I do?"

The only people I know who insist on doing mush are conspiracy theorists.

LMAO. "I don't understand why saying 'drug use' is a no-no. Because when I think of 'drug use,' I think of ."

The fact that you have to define what you mean by 'drug use' is itself a statement that using that term is stupid. It's so general and open to interpretation that it is essentially meaningless. You might as well put "I don't like drama" along with it.

Malevolent @27: I think it sounds reasonable for an "older, more established" person to plain old not want to date/hook up with a college student.

Sublime @30: I agree the drug use is so minimal that it was fine for LW to go on a date with this woman, but he should clarify where she's drawing the line before they get involved further. If, as Blazn @28 says, he thinks it's as unreasonable for her to say "no drugs even when I'm not around" as "no eating gluten" (I disagree), going on the date, letting her see he's a person, and then bringing up the very occasional shrooms use is, as they say, a "teachable moment," no? Either she'll relax her guidelines -- or admit that she was exaggerating in her profile to scare off the people she wants to scare off -- or she won't, and they can go their separate ways. Worth one date to give her the opportunity, no?

Avast @37: Oh, okay. So YOUR dealbreakers on drug use are reasonable and hers aren't, just because you're you and you're entitled to dictate what everyone else's dealbreakers should be? Girlfriend, you're not nearly important enough to rate that kind of input over what other people should accept from their partners, even casual ones.

Chiming in late, but LW, tell her the truth straight-out. She's given a clear boundary, and that's not up to you to disregard it so as to give her a "teachable moment" where she sees the error of her ways. If anything, she's likely to see it as proof that drug dealers are inherently dishonest and manipulative, and she was right to have that deal breaker.

Tell her before the date, or you'll ruin your chances.

I say tell her ASAP and even if she gives an”ehh, I’ll tolerate it ish” walk away. You want to be with someone who really wants to be with you, even on a casual basis.

Does that mean you’ll get less sex? Yes, yes it does. Does it mean that the sex you will get will most likely be way better? Also, yes. And if it means you don’t get sex at all? At least you have a sense of dignity and haven’t made the world a shittier place. Not exactly a rosy scenario but there it is.

@41 My experience has been that middle aged men want to have sex with college students but not date them. Which was exactly what I was offering. This guy knew how old I was when he messaged me. If my parents had bought me a car, that wouldn't have made me any more of an adult but it would have made less work for him.

Do not lie to get laid.
That simple.

As for the spanking/not spanking couple: that is harder. They are already in a relationship. One person NEEDS something and the other one is greatly distressed by it and can't do it. I suppose outsourcing is an option, but personally I have found that when something that is essential to one person's sexual experience cause the other one revulsion, then it's time to end the relationship, and downshift to good friendship.

So, um, why does the person who has something vague about 'no drugs' in her profile warent literally getting a book thrown at them where the person who doesn't understand his partners spanking needs gets some vague hand waving? Did you get your letters mixed up Dan? Couldn't find someone you could sell on promoting their book on spanking?

I once dated a girl who really disliked garlic and onions. It wasn't going to work. I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life sneaking off to eat garlic and onions. On the other hand, my wife was a vegetarian when we met her and we are both now vegan. We all have changes we are willing to make (preferably to improve ourselves but that can mean expanding our horizons) and changes we just won't. The only way to know is to have honest discussions and try things openly.

But if you are sneaking around, especially when something is important like a dealbreaker or sexual compatibility, or if you think someone deserves to be insulted (and 'I have no idea what you know but here's a book on the subject and Did You Know Coffee is Also A Drug' is an insult) before you even know their opinion then YOU are an ass. And if it's still a deal breaker after you disclose, consider that, in the 21st century a book justifying self medication is probably so much poor quality toilet paper to the person who probably has a Real Legitimate Reason for being open to casual sex but not with the first 20 people who all respond asking if she wants to go smoke a bowl with them is not reason to think she is too stupid or sheltered to have a foundational knowledge of what drug use in the 21st century means. Don't be a liar and don't condescend. If you do either of those, you will not be her friend, with or without benefits.

But coffee is a drug, as is alcohol. It’s on the person making the statement to clarify wtf they mean.

Does she include nicotine in her list?

I disagree with the consensus on the drug guy. If someone asks you something which is none of their business, I think you have the right to lie about it. I think the question “Is there a possibility you will have shrooms once in the next year, when I am not present?” falls into that category.

Kind of off topic but I am a bit salty about all these articles claiming hallucinogens are a miracle cure for anxiety and depression. A few years ago I started trying LSD and magic mushrooms expecting it to benefit me somehow. I didn't have any freak outs and the experience was overall positive but it was not highly profound and it certainly did not cure me. If anything it caused lingering anxiety. Even something "harmless" like marijuana can produce extreme panic attacks in some people. I haven't read this new book but I have heard a lot of interviews with the author and I was not impressed. It sounds like the same stuff I've been hearing in the media for years, minimizing the potential downsides of hallucinogenic drugs. After all this hype is over I predict a bunch of articles panicking about the dangers of hallucinogens will come out, because the media has to keep changing their story in order to make a profit. I will probably continue to experiment at some point in the future but I will keep my expectations realistic.

Joeburner @49. Nope. Do not lie to get laid. Especially in a small group like the Poly Community. She'll tell everyone that you're a lying, untrustworthy shit, and good luck making hookups after that. LavaGirl: don't StupidLawyer the question. We all generally understand what "drugs" mean in this context, and that shrooms de facto qualify. If he thinks his use is rare enough for an exemption, it's on him to ask.

StupidLawyer the question? Funny.
Ffs mate, tell the bloody woman. These crusaders are way too intent on burning you at the stake if you don’t. And if she bails on you for eating mushrooms every other yr, see it as a plus.

Sleeping with someone does not give you the right to know everything about that person. No more so than employing someone or being related to someone do. Lying to get laid, lying to keep your job, or lying to preserve your family are all permissible in certain situations. Of course in this case if he ever wants to be stoned around her, he needs to say something. But a once a year private habit cannot affect her, and she does not have the right to know about it.

Joeburner @49: If someone asks you something that's none of their business, tell them, "It's none of your business." Let them interpret that the way they choose. It is NOT ethical or permissible to lie to get laid, to keep one's job, or to preserve your family. And it will only make things worse when the inevitable truth eventually comes out. People do not have the right to misrepresent themselves to potential partners. Please put this post on all of your social media and any dating ads so all of your potential partners will know you're a liar, which is unsurprisingly a dealbreaker for far more people than drug use.

Please. What is “the inevitable truth” of once a year shrooms?
I routinely lie to my kids (“great cartwheel!”), parents (“Yes, everything is good.”) and employer (“no, I am not considering leaving.”). I would hope people would extend the same courtesy to me.

Ok not routinely to my employer

Debating whether "drugs" in this situation applies to caffeine and nicotine is just pointless semantics; there's a well-established colloquial definition of the word, and we all know it doesn't include coffee or cigarettes or Advil. Cigarettes are actually another common dealbreaker, and lying about that would be equally problematic. You could say it's none of my business whether someone smokes, but I'm still within my rights to find it disgusting and to not want to be romantically or sexually involved with someone who does it.

A better example of a lie I once told to a potential employer: when I was applying for academic jobs, BYU wanted to know whether I could live a life consistent with the principles of the LDS church. In practice, I think this meant no public alcohol or caffeine. But I am sure if I asked them officially they would have said they didn’t want me to do it at home either. I considered saying “yes” and just assuming the “in public” was implicit. That would have been a lie, but what Indo in my home is really not their business, and if I needed the job badly enough, I would have slept well at night. In the end, I got something else and didn’t have to bother.

@57 I agree with all your points. And if the guy’s (once a year) shroom use makes him smell bad or have yellow teeth, then it’s potentially her business.

Just as we don't need to argue over what constitutes a drug, we also should have debate what constitutes "use." LW has used shrooms a total of five times, and only once in the past two years, and while he has acknowledged that he is open to the idea of using shrooms in the future, he has no plans to do so presently, and appears not to anticipate using shrooms in immediate future either. I think by any conventional understanding of the word "use," LW is not using shrooms. Saying "no drug users," does not require LW to state that he used shrooms 18 months ago, or would consider doing so again three years from now. LW is not presently a regular user of any drug, he does not have to discuss his past shroom use with his prospective sex partner. He is not lying to her to get laid now, or even six months from now, or year from now. He is not a "drug user," and has nothing to disclose.

Here I quote the late and very great Terence McKenna:
"Progress of human civilization in the area of defining human freedom is not made from the top down. No king, no parliament, no government ever extended to the people more rights than the people insisted upon. And I think we've come to a place with this psychedelic issue. And we have the gay community as a model, and all the other communities, the ethnic communities. We simply have to say, Look: LSD has been around for fifty years now, we just celebrated the birthday. It ain't going away. WE are not going away. We are not slack-jawed, dazed, glazed, unemployable psychotic creeps. We are pillars of society. You can't run your computers, your fashion houses, your publishing houses, your damn magazines, you can't do anything in culture without psychedelic people in key positions. And this is the great unspoken truth of American Creativity. So I think it's basically time to just come out of the closet and go, "You know what, I'm stoned, and I'm proud." "

@9 TheLastComment & @10 Mirea are right. This woman is entitled to set her own boundaries around drugs. We don't know her personal or familial history with addiction. Say (and nothing more than this) that her last boyfriend chose drug use over her. It would be peevish to require of her some super-fine power of discrimination between occasional shrooms and e.g. daily brainrot quantities of pot.

Another proposal: he can say nothing, or 'lie', but then he is prohibited from drug use within a months of his hookups with her. Then we will see which he wants more: exciting sex with this woman or experimentation with the intriguing psychotropics.

I agree with no lying to get sex. It is different than telling your kids they are awesome or your mom that you're fine.

However, unless I missed something, he's responding only to the fact that she has "no drug users" listed on her dating profile. He is not what most people would consider to be a drug user. I don't think he needs to disclose anything based on the profile. When I was online dating I would guess half (plus or minus 49%) of the people who contacted me did not read the whole profile anyway.

But. If she asks him "have you ever.../ do you ever plan on..." then he should answer honestly.

Hear, Hear Lionface. Beautifully said.
Then that would be clear @57, rafibomb, you saying on your profile ‘no nicotine smokers’ would gum be ok?
To say a general no drug use is way vague, and leads to this situation where a man is second guessing himself about having some magic mushrooms, every year or so. Not clear enough profile writing, others shouldn’t have to spend time making assumptions about what she really means.

64@Lavagirl: it's not that complicated, he can tell her about his shroom use and see what she thinks. Easy-Peasy.

I agree TS, @65, he should mention it, and maybe tell her to sort her profile out.

Is she entitled to set her own boundaries? Of course she is. She's entitled to say she will only date people who have no children, who've never been married, who smoke, who don't smoke, etc.

What we're discussing isn't whether that's her right. We're discussing whether her boundaries are ridiculous. And I think they are.

Does she not like being around people who are high? Then she should say so. And by "high" does she mean everything from a hit off of a bong to a line of coke to heroin? Then she should say so. And does she include alcohol? Then she should say so.

Does she believe that all drugs are gateway drugs, and that anyone who smokes weed will eventually be shooting heroin? Then she should say so. And she'll get lots of pushback because that's an idiotic thing to think.

Does the idea of anyone using any drug trigger unpleasant memories? Then she should say so.

Does she simply want to live completely sober and want someone who has made the choice to share that value? Then she should say so.

Right now, without any information to the contrary, she comes across like she came straight out of a DARE program.

Drug is a garbage term akin to "food." Forget comparisons with coffee. Just within the hallucinogen class, the variety is staggering. On the one hand, some psychedelics are easily the most incredibly helpful substances known to mankind. On the other, you've got tropane alkaloids (deliriants) that are all of the pains in the ass of schizophrenia with almost none of the creative elements.

There is no "drugs." That's a term made up by groups like the DEA that exist to fuck you and everyone you love up the urethra. NIDA for its part has apparently sworn some sort of oath never to release a scientifically sound or intellectually honest paper so long as it exists.

I'm not going to comment on this particular letter personally, save to say that he has nothing, not one thing, to apologize for in the field of drug use. I myself lost count of my psilocybin trips after 50 or 60 or so and my mental health is better than it was before I took them. No, they aren't necessarily for everyone, but should a person have the right to take what they please do long as they take responsibility firbtheur actions under whatever they take? You better believe it.

There sure are a lot of people here insisting that some drugs aren't drugs, or that the word has a multiplicity of meanings that could never be parsed by an average reader. "She needs to use her words because when she says drugs she must not mean the drugs that I enjoy..." Nobody is telling SHROOMS he needs to apologize for using mushrooms, or stop doing them, or even agree that mushrooms are Bad. All he needs to do is mention his experiences and see what happens from there. Maybe you've been right all along and she'll say Nah I meant meth and heroin, not shrooms and weed and salvia. Or she'll think it's not often enough to meet her threshhold. Or she'll say thanks for the heads up good luck out there and everybody can go on feeling superior because she's lame.

As long as we're taking a deep dive into each word (What's a drug??), the deal breaker was "drug use", not "drug users".

You're entitled to set boundaries around things that affect you. You are not entitled to set boundaries around things that don't affect you.

(That's a general principle that has exactly bugger-all, @41, to do with whatever my personal list of dealbreakers happens to include.)

Injecting drugs directly affects Girlfriend because she can catch something deadly from him once he catches it. You can't catch a bad case of donuts from someone who eats them on the off week when you are home with your husband. Even if you really, really reeeeeeely hate donuts. Get a fucking grip.

Saying she won't date anyone who does drugs is about the same thing as saying she won't date anyone who drinks alcohol. It would be one thing if she had to live with the guy, and see his alcohol every day. But an attitude of "If you want to date me, you have to completely give up alcohol, 24x7, even though I am only going to have enough time and energy for a date with you about once every other week, because I spend the rest of my time with my 'primary'" is the attitude of a selfish control freak. If he wants to have a beer and she isn't around to see it, it's not her fucking business. Him drinking a beer when she isn't even around until next Saturday DOES NOT AFFECT HER. Shrooms on a hypothetically semi-annual basis is an even more infinitesimal non-issue than beer, both quantitatively and qualitatively.

That said, I don't disagree with the approach of sounding her out, just to make sure that when she says "no drugs" maybe she just means something more sensible like "no stoners."

I'll accept a large quantity of personal indulgences I don't happen to share, but Mr Savage's pro-drug evangelism, with its ultimate goal of shaming and degrading the non-high (or worse, like Edward Baltram in The Good Apprentice, secretly drugging them without their consent), goes beyond the Pale.

Count me in the honesty camp for LW1. If his potential partner has identified drug use as a "dealbreaker," it's only right to share important information with her so she can make her own decision.

Still, I'd consider this to be a second-date or third-date conversation, rather than a first-date conversation.

@avast, 70: thanks for saying that better than I could. His use of shrooms when he's not with her does not affect her.

Avast and gato - His decision to lie to her in order to have a potential sexual relationship with her DOES affect her.

Methinks the stoners doth protest too much. It's a simple enough matter to clarify with the lady in question. If she says no, then that's that. Move on to the next in line. Don't ever lie to get your dick wet.

@71 How very unfair of you to make that comparison. If ever there were a pro-drug evangelist, I would be the very model, and never, ever, would I disrespect the sanctity and gravity of a substance by secretly dosing someone. That is as disingenuous as suggesting that rape is the highest form of being sex positive.

I've been told I am an incorrigible scold, so it is in keeping with that spirit that I applaud Dan for his outspoken advocacy of bodily autonomy. Whether or not people feel shame over their sobriety as a result (I myself no longer use anything harder than CBD) is their business.

As for whether or not he should lie, absolutely not. Under no pretenses should be be deceitful about his mushroom use to anyone.

@74: The only way that his taking shrooms when she's not around will affect her is that she will haz a sad when she finds out. That's HER affecting her, being sad that she doesn't get to enforce a boundary that is none of her business on another person.

If you scroll up a bit, you'll see that my preference would be that she get her control-freak tendencies out in the open early, so that her more unreasonable ones can be laughed out of the room. If she's serious about this, he should drop her rather than lie to her, and consider that a bullet dodged. It would be better for the relationship to not happen than for her to exert such a level of control over someone who is at best casual to her.