Beto ORourke is making Ted Cruz very nervous.
Beto O'Rourke is making Ted Cruz very nervous. Joe Raedle /Getty

Ted Cruz BETO watch out: I will never stop with the puns! It's a statistical dead heat between incumbent Cruz and challenger Beto O'Rourke. The youth love Beto and the people on the brink of death love Cruz. Beto's going to be on Ellen next week.


Seattle teachers (may) strike back: Their union and the district didn’t meet an agreement about pay. Today, Seattle Public Schools teachers will vote on whether or not to strike, according to the Seattle Times. Classes are supposed to resume Sept. 5. A strike would mess that up. Should kids rejoice about more summer? No, they should want their teachers to have a livable wage! Anyway, the most recent update said that teachers were close to an agreement. We’ll have to wait and see how today goes.

More on our teachers:


Gov. Jay Inslee has spent 49 days on the road this year: That’s ‘cause he’s the chair of the Democratic Governors Association in 2018. His main responsibility is supporting other Democratic candidates. According to the Seattle Times, this has boosted Inslee’s national profile and sparked speculation about a 2020 presidential bid.

Could be an El Niño year, also could not be: Predicting the weather feels a lot like Groundhog Day. Did the weather man see his shadow today? I don’t remember the rules enough and it’s not a funny enough joke to Google it so the Groundhog Day thing is over. Anyway, climatologists say it looks like it will be an El Niño winter in the Pacific Northwest. That means it will be warmer and drier. This can all be determined because of warm currents near the equator in the Pacific Ocean. There’s a 70 percent chance this is right. There’s also a 30 percent chance (you sluts like that math don’t you??) it’s wrong. Why do we even trust science when God does everything right 100 percent of the time?

Jury’s out on our warm winter but: At least we know how today will shape up. I should wear shorts to work today but then I’ll have to shave the strip of hair I keep missing on my right shin. It’s been getting out of hand.


Amazon Go stores will probably spread like wildfire: What? Too soon? The sequel to the first completely automated convenience store cropped up real fast; it opened a mere seven months after the original. Since there were no major changes between the store Amazon didn’t need to beta test again. There are future stores planned in San Francisco and Chicago.

A Tacoma company wants to build a UFO: I guess it would be identified, though, so maybe it’s not really a UFO. The vision is a single-person aircraft that moves kinda like a drone. That’s fun. Unnecessary, but fun. They want to be able to land on the sides of buildings. Cool, I guess? If I haven’t sold it to you already get ready for this price tag… it’ll cost a paltry $140,000. Who needs a house when you can have a UFO?

Kids throw rocks at man, get threatened with gun: A man threatened some kids in a Tacoma park after they threw rocks at him and his tent. He was arrested. Listen, I know it’s bad to point guns at people especially a group of 11 to 16 year olds but maybe kids shouldn’t fucking throw rocks at people. I think they’re both in the wrong here. To varying degrees, at least.

There’s Elon Musk fanfiction: And I have some things to say about it. The author of this tweet is pointing these out as if they’re a 100 percent sincere. Anyone who knows anything about fanfiction will know that most of these are jokes. One of them even says joke fic. C’mon.


Trump wants to drop Canada from Nafta: He called the North American Free Trade Agreement “the worst trade deal in history,” according to the New York Times. Trump said he’ll just make a deal with Mexico and leave out Canada if Canada doesn’t bend to Trump’s demands. The irony is that the agreement he made is basically Nafta but with some updates to more modern shit like the digital economy and the auto industry.

Our president also wants to prosecute Google for making him look bad: The search results are rigged, Trump says.

Google responded:



AT&T shutting stores and laying off workers despite $10bn in profit: The Trump tax break was good for AT&T. Not so much for its workers. AT&T has closed 44 stores since 2011, reports The Guardian. The company vowed to invest in America in a statement support Trump’s tax plan. Since then — last December — it has laid off 7,000 workers and continued to invest in offshoring call center jobs.

Louis C.K. is back and no one is thrilled: He apparently made a surprise appearance at a New York comedy club last night. It was his first performance since people came forward about his sexual misconduct. He's gross. Also he's never been funny. Thank you!

Tonight's best Seattle entertainment options include: A chance to witness art as an expression of endurance at the Yellow Fish Durational Performance Art Festival, an art-rock show headlined by local power couple band Tissue, and a Mexican Wine-Off.

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