I am happily married to a girl in her mid-20s. She recently brought home a Shetland sheepdog that she excitedly explained she had saved from the local pound. Three weeks later, I was in our neighborhood on business and decided to stop by the apartment to save the money I would otherwise spend on lunch. We have a rear door that opens into the living room, and I couldn't believe the scene I discovered upon entering: my wife, nude, spread-eagled on the couch, her Shetland sheepdog lapping eagerly at her pussy, ecstatic moans escaping from her throat! She ran to the bathroom as I stood there stunned. But the worst was when I noticed the open jar of Nutella sitting on the coffee table, a faint odor of hazelnut in the air. We have never spoken about what happened. Are there health concerns she should be aware of?
A Dog At Most
Now this is a fake letter.
About half of the fakes I get follow ADAM's script: Man walks in, discovers his wife/girlfriend/sister getting it on with a dog,. Usually it's peanut butter all over her crotch, so give ADAM a tenth of a point for creativity.
What if ADAM's letter didn't include that tired old story about a dog eating pussy—would we still be able to tell that it's a fake? You bet.
First, there's the piling on of unnecessary details in a self-conscious effort to make the letter seem more plausible. The wife didn't just explain, she "excitedly explained"; she got the dog from the "local pound," as opposed to a pound in Singapore or Sweden. There's the needlessly elaborate explanation about how he came to walk in on the wife: ADAM was in the neighborhood on business, came in through the back door (which opens on the living room?), all because he wanted to save a few bucks on lunch. There are cliché phrases lifted from a mildewed copy of a mid-1980s Penthouse ("lapping eagerly," "ecstatic moans").
Most revealing, however, is that ADAM wants us to believe his wife is in her mid-20s. Not just because it's sexier—ostensibly—to picture a nude 25-year-old woman "spread-eagled on the couch" than, say, a nude 55-year-old woman, but because this letter, like most of the fakes I get, is really about the sexual degradation of desirable women. ADAM has issues, as they say, so he ran a fictional woman through a degrading sexual scenario in a letter to me. He hoped that I would run his letter in my column and in his mind this would somehow avenge the slights he's suffered at the hands of all the women who have ever rejected him.
Kind of pathetic when you pause to think about it, huh?
I'm currently recovering from surgery — a shoulder injury, nothing serious, but I've been told recovery from this kind of surgery (repairing a torn rotator cuff) takes some time and that I'll be laid up for a while and even more useless than usual. So I'm taking a couple weeks off. That means lots of time — and lots of Netflix and Percocet — on the couch for me, but no new SLLOTDs for you. You'll get new columns and new podcasts but no new SLLOTDs. In lieu of new SLLOTDs we will be running previously published letters and my responses. In lieu of flowers or get-well cards please get yourself something nice at www.ImpeachTheMotherfuckerAlready.com — all proceeds benefit the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the International Refugee Assistance Project — or email me a picture of your boyfriend's butt.