There are a lot of scared cat stock photos on the Internet.
There are a lot of 'scared cat' stock photos on the Internet. StockImages_AT / Getty Images

The Cat Carver strikes again: A thirteenth cat has been found mutilated and murdered in Thurston County. This is happening more and more frequently. Cat owners are terrified. Thurston County has its felines on lockdown. The serial killer is still at large, slicin’ and dicin’ kitties left and right. The reward has leapt to $36,000.

Seattle teachers hopeful a deal can be reached this weekend: Negotiations have been ongoing since the strike was authorized on Tuesday. The biggest hurdle according to the Seattle Times is teacher pay. Anyway, teachers are optimistic a deal will be reached and everything will start on time for Seattle Public Schools.

What’s in the water in North Seattle: Eight people up here (I am writing from North Seattle) have contracted HIV since February. According to officials, the people are heterosexual and homeless. There was some needle sharing going on and some had engaged in sexual acts in exchange for money, reports KING5. The afflicted individuals are receiving treatment now. Careful who you share a needle with up north. Or in general.

You ever seen something sexier than this? There were some showers this morning. Now that August is basically over it’s officially fall right? Don’t correct me on that. Don’t ruin this for me.

Capitalism reaches the final frontier: Big news that we all probably saw coming — NASA is selling out. Well, they probably will be one day at least. The space agency is considering “going commercial” but have made no concrete plans as yet. Look out for that Nike swoosh on the International Space Station one day.

Good morning, are you in the mood to masturbate or cry? Here’s something that can facilitate both:

This is likely a response: To the GOP’s unsuccessful attempts to make Hotty Beto O’ Rourke Not Hot. It’s not possible.

Congrats to Heidi! We will miss her dearly.

Department of Licensing is closed! All services will be down this week so the DOL can upgrade its system. The biggest change is increased security on licenses. Washington IDs are pretty unsecure with license numbers a mixture of the person’s last name and birthdate. That’s apparently insecure. It’ll be getting rehauled, don’t worry. Unless that’s the massive inconvenience it sounds like it could be.

Things I don’t give a fuck about:

In-N-Out donated to the California GOP and I don’t know who I am anymore: We’re all tired of me clinging to the last dregs of my Californian identity, I know this. But, the only thing I take pride in, I don’t care how stereotypical it is, is In-N-Out Burger. It’s my lifeblood. Fight me on this, I dare y— Wait, don’t actually. I got so caught up writing that and forgot that the whole point of this is that the burger chain from god (literally because they love god) donated $25,000 to the California GOP. That's a lot of double-doubles. I’m sad.

Big day for dairy: Thurston County should start feeding their cats more dairy products.

Judge denies Alex Jones and Infowars dismissal of defamation case: The case against Jones is a solid one. You know, 'cause he documented years of harmful claims against the family of one of the children murdered in the Sandy Hook massacre. The judge denied Jones's motion to throw out the case.

Neo-Nazis converge on Germany: Nearly 8,000 people were present at a demonstration in Chemnitz, Germany. There was a rumor that a Syrian and Iraqi asylum seeker were involved in a knife fight that killed a German man last week. The march was filled with virulent anti-immigrant sentiment.

Fun fact for your Friday: Earnest Hemingway only used one exclamation point in his novel The Old Man and the Sea because he thought the punctuation was feminine and frivolous.

This weekend's best Seattle entertainment options include: Seattle's biggest music, comedy, and arts festival, Bumbershoot, a drag tribute to Icelandic genius Björk, and the massive gaming convention PAX West.