Or get her to agree to give a handjob (or more) whenever he wants to jerk off.

Is there a SLOG female who can reasonably explain this "jerking off as cheating" thing? What crazy tick infects the female brain to create such a delusion?
And any time your obsession for ANOTHER PERSON'S behavior causes YOU mental stress, that is a delusion.

Tell Missy Thing that the only known cure for masturbation is blowjobs. You'll find out how much she likes you or just likes controlling you.

@2 do you really need this explained? People reflect their own experiences and feelings into their interpretations of others' actions. For some people (females, in your view), when they masturbate they feel they're cheating because they're having mind-sex with someone who's not their partner, which temporarily affects their emotional and sexual feelings about their partner. They assume the same must be true of their partner.

Dtmfa

Dan, you reposted this masturbation softball and left the classic Crucidildo Conversation stranded in 2009?

By 2018 standards, masturbating is sexual assault. After all, if someone FEELS like they're being cheated on, that's functionally the same as actually being cheated on (disagree if you dare, gaslighters). And of course, masturbating without her consent is a micro-aggression aka Interpersonal Violence. Beat your dick = beat your wife. It is known.

Get a divorce. Seriously anyone this controlling is someone you should not be with. This behavior will only get worse the longer you stick around.

I'm a female, a feminist, and a lesbian (which maybe makes my opinion on this useless) but 'You can't do what you want to do alone with your body because it makes me uncomfortable." is the antithesis of feminist thinking. Your body is yours, LW, and you get to do whatever you want with it when you are alone. I would not bother to lie to this woman, I would say "I'm gonna masturbate privately whenever I want. It's none of your business. I won't discuss it with you further and if you don't like it, you can leave me."

I disagree with Dan's advice to lie. I'd say "whether or not a masturbate is up to me - not you. This isn't up for discussion." Or just not masturbate. Still, honesty is the best policy. What's more, since you've cheated on her, she already doubts your honesty - no point giving her more ammo.

I know too well about torn rotator cuff. Ya does take time.
I hear cocktails help!

double chin

Get well soon

@2, I’m a female and I think jerking off allows the devil in thru the bathroom window. And it falls off if you rub it too much. Idiot question mate. I’m sure there are men around who don’t like their women thinking of other men when they self pleasure. To such people, the mind does the cheating.

Wow Dan, telling this guy to lie to his wife about a behaviour which should have zero guilt around it. LW hopefully stopped behaving as if his wife has that much power over him and told her where to get off.

Jerk & lie away buddy! And I mean that in all seriousness.

If only Steamworks were still in business......

Oops! Did I say Steamworks? I meant Basic Plumbing.

I hope this couple divorced. They sound like a mess.

OW, Dan, about your shoulder surgery! Wishing you a speedy recovery with minimal discomfort.
@19 My Bumhole is Tiffany Blue: I keep getting reminded of the letter to Dan years ago from a self-described gorgeous underwear model who had her own business, asking why her fiancee frequently jacked off when he had her around. 'Most men would kill for a date with me!' 'Should I be a blonde?' 'Do I need breast implants?'. I agree--this sounds like a similar mismatch if not exactly the same couple lo these many years later.

I don't think LW should have to lie about masturbating. It's totally absurd to equate it with cheating. LW's wife is either pathologically controlling or is fucked up in her thinking due to some religious brainwashing on how sex equals sin. I think LW should tell his wife they need to go to counseling to learn about appropriate boundaries in marriage, and attitudes about sex.

Haven't yet read the comments.

Dan seems to be slipping in some of his advice lately. Yes by all means, lie to her about jacking off and then do it anyway. I agree with this, I agree it is irrational. But this is only a short term solution to a symptom of a deeper problem which is the fact that you and your wife have obviously not dealt with the betrayal of you cheating a year ago- which is not a long time ago- and she is projecting her unresolved issues onto this situation. You two need to talk about that and deal with that- and that's a deeper problem about which we have no information. In the meanwhile, yes of course jacking off is normal and she's wrong to tell you not to, so be discreet and lie about it. But the core of the problem is her perfectly rational feelings that you have cheated on her and betrayed her, because you have.

@14: How can orgasmic fantasies about no individual in particular be a definition of cerebral cheating?

@8 is trying to demonstrate that reductio ad absurdum doesn't work? It works if you do it right FYI.

@23 this particular meh advice is from almost ten years ago, so maybe Dan's been slipping the whole time. Or intermittently on pain meds or whatever.

Seems several in a row now though Mtn Beaver- just little things here and there, not mentioning to the woman who bleeds every time she has sex that she might want to go to the doc, ranting about Ashley Madison rather than answering the question of the married man who has a hall pass and doesn't know how to use it, being sort of reactionary in response to the woman who say she doesn't want to date drug users, telling a letter writer that he doesn't have the time to read her letter carefully before responding- those off the top of my head in the last few days. I'm sure plenty are re-runs given his much needed rest from surgery (and I hope Dan recovers perfectly and with as little pain as possible and takes as much time as he needs) but it does seem quite a bit of meh advice in a row, reruns or not. "Slipping" was probably the wrong word here since they are out of order.

But now I've read the comment section and it seems everyone else just ignored the part where the LW says he cheated on his wife a year ago with zero other information. A betrayal does not justify someone making an unreasonable demand like no masturbation, but it does make the wife far more sympathetic- obviously she is unskillfully dealing with her emotions around the betrayal in her marriage. They need to deal with that issue. The masturbation hang up is a symptom of this problem. People here are ignoring that all together, calling her controlling, saying he should dump her, etc.

Ok the guy cheated but that is a whole other talk. Linking that to this masturbation issue is just guilting out a guy and controling. They are different events.
Does she masturbate? Does she have dreams of having sex with someone or something else? Does she EVER fantasize or have a small thought about having sex with someone else?
I think most people, do it is healthy. Masturbating is just that with something physical goin on and by yourself.
To control someone with this form of abuse, YA abuse, is sick. Dump her. Find someone that is not trying to control your life like this, someone that is independent enough in a relationship to not be so uptight and controlling.

Clearly I am single and love it. Really couldn't give a damn about being in a controlling situation.

What you whip out on your own time and wank is your own business and perfectly normal. Always will be.

I speculate wife was raised in a purity/evangelical culture. We were taught as children that to masturbate or even fantasize or experience any kind of sexual pleasure outside of what a husband gave in the marriage bed, was defrauding or cheating on any future spouse we would have, that we shouldn't get tattoos or even pierce our ears, as we would be defacing some unknown mans future property. flirting or any male-female friendship (hey Pence rule!) was "drinking out of another mans well". Extremely fucked up. More and deeper problems will be coming soon because that is the just the tip of the fuckery iceberg.

If she'll agree to give him an enthusiastic (not a duty) blowjob or quick 2 minute mindless fuck whenever (really, on demand, no 'maybe laters') he'd ordinarily jack off, he should quit jacking off and let her take on the job Otherwise, it's dog-in-the-manger behavior, she needs to let him jack off.

LW says he promised not to masturbate while his good lady is in the house. The implication is that, while she's in the house, she's available for sex. Perhaps the issue is that he wants to drain the lizard in under 120 seconds, and doesn't want to have sex.

EL @26, I don’t see the connection between the LW cheating a yr before he wrote the letter and his wife’s weirdo behaviour around him jerking off.
Is she using this as some sort of continual punishment or fear he thinks of ‘her’ when touching himself. Whatever the link might be, her rules are tedious and yes controlling. If she couldn’t get past his cheating then she should have left him.
Would you put up with someone dictating terms for your self pleasuring/ unless it was in play/ I sure wouldn’t.

Yep, she needs to pack her bags; Make sure you tell her on the way out, "Don't let the door hit you in your fat, imsecure ass!" Jeez, I hate an uninvited whip cracker..

@Lava, I don't see the connection either, but the wife clearly does because she says she doesn't want him jacking off because it makes her feel like he is cheating on her. Now of course that's unreasonable and there's no way he should stop jacking off and no way the wife should think she has the right to tell him to do so. But obviously the two things are connected- the wife says so. She is insecure and has unresolved issues around the betrayal to her trust. When people feel unstable and out of control in their lives (and yes, a spouse cheating and lying can do that) it's normal (though not healthy) for them to try to control the things they think they can control. This is not OK and I'm not justifying it, but it's a lack of compassion to dismiss all of this and act like he should just dump his controlling bitch of a wife rather than to think about the fact that she is struggling with the betrayal that he caused. They need to resolve this issue if they want the marriage to work. It's not about the jacking off. This isn't some shit I'm making up or speculating about- it's literally what he says in the letter. She doesn't want him to jack off because it makes her feel like he is cheating on her which he did, just a year ago.

DTMFA.
No need to even read the whole headline, "My Wife Says I Can't Jerk Off..." was enough.

p.s. True, @33EmmaLiz, maybe (he doesn't specify that wifey only made this crazy request after) he "started it" by cheating. And maybe they can work on themselves and work through it. (Not only am I all for giving that a try, it is the best advice if that's what they really want). And that's all I'd have written if the wife ASKED for that. But what the wife asked for is to be regarded as a dsyfunctional looney. Hence I question the likelihood of this cheater/looney couple becoming healthy. (That last bit is my 'long version' of 'DTMFA'.)

Zapotec @2: To get a "reasonable explanation" you'd have to have asked a "reasonable question," which yours wasn't. "Women" don't think of masturbation as cheating. THIS PARTICULAR woman thinks of masturbation as cheating, so you would have to ask her.
Beccoid gave you a better explanation -- projection -- than you deserved. What were you expecting? "Yes, we all think this way because we are crazy." Sorry, that may be the answer you wanted, but it is simply not true.

Funny, before I read the comments, I thought, "Dan sure is choosing some open-and-shut cases for the reruns." Thank you to crspus @28 for being the only person with a shred of empathy here. Sure, an attitude of "masturbation is cheating" is irrational, but how did she get such an attitude? Agree that the actual cheating and the masturbating are two different issues -- it sounds like she's connecting them because she's insecure about his higher sex drive which she thinks drove him to cheat -- and agree that JO should meet his own needs on the down low. It would be better if he could tell her "it's none of your business" instead of lying, but she's not being reasonable, so it's either DTMFA or lie, his choice. They should also probably re-address the cheating issue, since they don't seem to have moved past it.

Emma @33: Amending my post to award you a gold star for analysis of their situation.

@curious, he does say that maybe this is his punishment for cheating and I don't see how she could punish him for it before he'd done it.

There are lots of things left unsaid in the letter. How does the wife know he's jacking off in the house? It seems the obvious way to solve this immediate problem is just to lie about it, as Dan says and I agree. Yet the wife knows anyway. He talks about how he has to jack off a lot and wants to do it when he gets horny. Fine and normal- is he then taking a trip to the bathroom or the bedroom when he's alone? Or is he jacking off in their living room while wife is folding clothes? Is he discreet? Because maybe her complaint is crazy and she's hounding him about masturbation. Or maybe he's just jacking off all the time and it's gross and she's like "don't do that when I'm at home". Also, why is the wife at home all the time? Do they have children? Do they work at home? And what does he mean by jacking off a lot? What if it's not just when he's watching porn, having a shower, alone? I don't see how the wife would even know about it unless he's doing it around her or in places where she could walk in. Unless she's so controlling that she's hounding him about it, following him around, asking questions, etc. Which could also be true.

Anyway, I'm just responding to the abundance of dump the controlling motherfucker already up above, including someone who has decided that also wife must have a fat ass, with absolutely zero reference or compassion to the fact that these people are married and the man has recently cheated. There are bigger issues here.

@38EmmaLiz "@curious, he does say that maybe this is his punishment for cheating and I don't see how she could punish him for it before he'd done it."

Oops, you're right, sorry. Honestly, my bad for not giving JO credit for being logical, but you're right that that is the way to read the letter as rational. And that is the way to read the letter.

You're also right that "How does the wife know" is an interesting question (among many). It's too bad EmmaLiz didn't write the column that week!

Ideally I think it would be nice if he didn't HAVE to make sure there was no way she could ever discover it. Of course this couple is way past "ideally".

But (now I'm NOT talking about this particular couple) I still find myself pondering "ideally". It seems to me that generally, one would be considerate to be discrete unless one knew one's partner was cool without discretion. Ideally it seems to me it would be great if it were OK to be 'caught' because one's partner didn't knock before entering (or are lockable doors essential?) or because one's partner woke up (or is it not OK even when one's partner is a heavy sleeper?). Or maybe he tells the truth when she asks what he's been doing?

You're also right, "she is rarely out of the house without me" (though hopefully he means just when he's home, maybe she isn't forever there when he's at work too) sounds so far from ideal that inquiring minds want to know!

I bow to EmmaLiz.

Very tenuous link EL and what, this is just a recent carry on then, didn’t happen before the cheating. Before the cheating he was ‘allowed’ and she minded her own business? Who knows and who cares. These two depress me because their marriage is like a prison. A guard and the guilty one.

Anyone who thinks that this is about masturbation is a fucking moron

This couple compares readily to Guthrie and marigold Featherstone.

Marigold, of course - too quick on the shift key.

@42controlZED That is SO enlightening!

"On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog."

@45 I meant pasta. Apologies for the typo.

@46controlZED
Ok THAT was funny.

@Lava- agreed about it being a depressing situation and not a marriage I'd want to be a part of. Disagree about something being a tenuous link when he clearly states this himself. I'm not defending the wife's ridiculous behavior here, btw, just saying that if they want to save their marriage, then they need to deal with the underlying problems which are bigger than masturbation obviously, and I'm a little annoyed by all the "dump the controlling fat ass wife" responses - as if a CPOS is some great prize.

@curious 39

I've only been in the one long term relationship but what seems to be the norm to me, based on personal life and conversations with others, is that people either masturbate privately/discreetly or it's deliberately involving the other person/people present. The middle ground - where people who cohabit just casually masturbate in front of one another in a way that's not sexual- is that a common experience? I'd find that really odd. I cannot remember a single time that we've just been sitting around the house doing other nonsexy things and the hubby was like, "hey while you're drinking coffee, I'm going to sit right here and crank one out", ha ha. I don't know. Sure I've walked in on him and vice versa- the response ranges from quick polite exit to laughter to an opportunity to have sex. I did once ask him to refrain for a short number of weeks just because I was curious what would happen / change (not because I was dissatisfied, just because I was curious) but each time I'd ask (hey, have you been jacking off?) he'd always say that he had been or that he forgot not to so I just gave up on that little experiment lasting more than a week. I wish I could be a man just for a few months because there are loads of things I'd like to try, and also I'd have so many facial hair styles.

But back to the LW, I think there are only two possibilities. The first is that the husband is just sitting around the house stroking it and the wife is sick of that. The second is that the wife is controlling and obsessive and asking him about how often he masturbates or even hounding him ("what are you doing in there?"). The way the letter is written, my guess is the second is more likely than the first. So I'm not trying to justify her behavior, just to have a little more compassion about why she's acting that way. Though as Lava says, it seems a super depressing marriage and I'm glad I'm not trapped in it. Once you get to the point that you are arguing over whether or not you are allowed to masturbate, omg.

Curious2 @39: I've always thought of masturbation as similar to taking a shit. We all do it. But nobody else wants to know about it. "How does she know" is a good question. Many of us pee/poop several times a day; if he performed this other bodily function in a locked bathroom, how would she know the difference? Or is he hijacking the living room TV to watch full-screen porn while he does it, in which case, dude, be more discreet.

I too bow to EmmaLiz!

My speculation is that even before the affair, Mrs JO was shocked and concerned about the amount of masturbation JO was doing -- concerned that his sex drive was so much higher than hers, so how could she ever satisfy him -- and then he DID cheat, proving her fears well-founded. This is why she wants to suppress his libido, or at least try to put it out of her own mind by asking him to do it only when she's not around.

Zapotec @2: While you're holding all "females" equally responsible for the unreasonable (until you delve a bit deeper, hmm) behaviour of this one, can YOU explain this behaviour, which we can only take as "typically male":
https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/4wb4m9/blackburn-man-does-five-lines-of-cocaine-has-a-forty-minute-wank-in-a-beer-garden-is-arrested-303?utm_campaign=global&utm_source=vicefbuk

@49 "where people who cohabit just casually masturbate in front of one another in a way that's not sexual- is that a common experience? I'd find that really odd."

Yeah me too; it's jut too intense of an experience to be having in the space of someone else who is not having it. Their two individual spaces would clash too dramatically.

@50 BiDanFan
"My speculation is that even before the affair, Mrs JO was shocked and concerned about the amount of masturbation JO was doing"

That that is true is easier to imagine than that she'd make this request were it not. And maybe you're also correct about your quite sensible libido mismatch theory. (Or maybe EmmLiz is right with her quite sensible cheating-triggered theory. Or maybe Mrs. JO just stopped being patient with a behavior that, after all, some people have judgement about [taking him at his word, and giving him credit for communicating to us clearly] once JO's cheating gave her license to.)

That Blackburn man needs professional help, the typical male would not behave THAT inappropriately in public.

I had a friend who was mortally offended at the thought of her boyfriends masturbating. She said it meant she wasn't enough for them. So she consistently got into relationships with guys who told her what she wanted to hear and then was SHOCKED and HURT to find evidence to the contrary (we're talking crusty tissues in the wastebasket and the like). She also cheated on her various boyfriends a lot. And, by the end, was not a good friend either.

For this letter, I think @50 is on the right track, that she was always concerned about his sex drive and trying to control is or avoid evidence of its existence is her way of dealing.

My wife says I can't smoke meth but it helps me focus

@53 yikes, sounds like she may not have had a realistic notion of how sex drives work, including her own.

Lie. It's ok to lie to stupid people, lie about wmds, lie about health care, lie about climate crisis, lie about socialism, to yourselves, lie for the liars and cover up the lies. Lie about your actions and get used to it.

She is sick. If you love her then you must fix her sickness. She will resist. She is wrong.

Have we considered the possibility that LW is not putting out, and his lady wife has demanded that he stop wanking and give her some attention?

8. Bullshit.

(trigger warning for explicit content and an explicit description of sexual assault)

Nobody sees masturbation as sexual assault. It's only sexual assault to FORCE another person, a person you have power over, to WATCH you masturbate and force them to watch you ejaculate and in the worse cases ejaculate on that person without consent. It's never considered sexual assault to relieve yourself sexually all alone with no one else watching.

Fubar @30 @57: since you seem hell bent on giving the wife a pass with scenarios not even hinted at by the letter writer, let me add one more: are we sure his spunk doesn't taste like rainbow sherbet and she just really likes sherbet?

Curious @52: Of course the Blackburn man is atypical. He's as atypical of men as Mrs JO is of women, that being my point in response to an earlier misogynistic comment upthread.
The "mismatched libido" theory is weakened by JO's saying "our sex is really, really great." Perhaps there's a lot of maintenance sex going on, or perhaps Mrs JO doesn't enjoy masturbation much herself and therefore doesn't understand why JO is so into it.

Malevolent @53: There sure is a lot of misinformation and shaming in society about masturbation. Girls in particular are told that masturbation is what one does if one is desperate. It's really not surprising that many interpret a partner's masturbating as a personal rejection. Like Beccoid @4 says, projection: If these women were horny, they would seek out their partners (or in your friend's case, other men), not take care of themselves, which they see as a last resort. Ironically, as some upthread have said, they probably wouldn't like the alternative of being expected to provide sexual favours themselves whenever their higher-libido partners had an itch that needed scratching.
We really need sex education that teaches girls what a great thing masturbation can be.

Alaskan @58: Of course it's bullshit. Sportlandia knows it's bullshit, he's just baiting the women, because that's what he does. Ignore.

Fubar @57: JO says "our sex is really, really great," but that is his own opinion. If JO is "cheating" his wife out of sex that she wants by masturbating instead, that's a different issue. It would be interesting to get the wife's side.

(I suspect this is not the case, that it's insecurity rather than feeling sexually deprived that's driving Mrs JO. But, we have seen the scenario before, so we can't rule it out.)

I hadn’t read your post before Sportlandia, @8, and it is provocative. Though it reminded me of the time a man I was living with just proceeded to masturbate lying next to me in bed. It did feel like a form of sexual assault, he never asked if I minded.. just went on ahead. That creepy comedian, the one who already thinks it’s ok to return to performing.. his behaviour was sexual assault. I assume that’s who you are referring to. I sure hope you don’t think his behaviour was anything but sexual assault, even with the asking first bull as he pulled his dick out.
Whether he’s jacking off when he should be putting it in his wife is not the issue here. Her seeing it as cheating is the problem. And if she’s still in punishment mode from his real cheating a yr again, and he sees a connection.. though I fail to.. then that’s so manipulative. A yr has passed, how long has this guy gotta pay for his transgression. Can’t she get him to cook every night for x time or clean the toilet and bathroom.
He says sometimes he just wants a quick release, why bother someone else. So what is her problem if it isn’t a slow torture for his sin a yr ago.

... his real cheating a yr ago, ..

I must have said something at the time or vibed him because it never happened again.

@63 LavaGirl
I'm sorry that happened to you, that is SO disturbing. I do think it was a form of assault. It said 'I have the power/right' to do this AT you (figuratively 'in your face' as the saying goes) right in your shared bedspace together, regardless of whether you were open to it in any way, or had any kind of conflicting wishes.

I've known people with mental/psychological conditions that make them oblivious to what social behavior is appropriate or not (very challenging people to have in one's life!), it's possible he had that kind of handicap.

@66 NO pun intended with that "saying")!

Lava @63: Me too, it just struck me as inconsiderate. Do they think you won't notice?? At least ask first, if she is awake. If she is asleep, go do it somewhere else.

What about it felt so creepy Lava? Sorry I'm just trying to see your pov. Was it a new relationship? Were you just lying there reading a book and dude is like, now I'm going to jack? Because I masturbate quietly in bed after the husband has fallen asleep from time to time. He does the same. Sometimes it helps you get back to sleep. Sometimes you are horny and sex isn't an option. This isn't a super frequent thing, but it has happened a few times over the years. I've woken up to it and sometimes just ignored and gone back to sleep and other times leaned in some mutual. Again, we never know what is normal in other relationships, I learn a lot here, but surely it's relatively common for people to masturbate in bed at night? I'd never have thought that I'm doing something AT someone else. Reminds me of that scene in American Beauty where Annette Benning wakes up and her husband is jacking off and she freaks out. I always thought the humor was that she was freaking out about something so minor.

Of course it's different in a situation like Louis CK who is literally jacking off AT people. I've been in situations where guys have done that- it's gross and I really don't understand why they do this. I was going to comment on the hilariously written story that BDF posted but I let it go. I know someone who jacks off for 45 minutes in a beer garden is an outlier, but guys who jack off in public or who do it when they are alone in a room with a woman, well that's common enough that it's happened to most women I know. If Sporty is conflating this with him jacking off in private, that's his own problem.

@68 BiDanFan
"If she is asleep, go do it somewhere else."

I'll now admit that I asked @38 "even when one's partner is a heavy sleeper?" because I did that long ago a few times, quietly, with an ex who was definitely asleep and not gonna wake up, and was happy for the TV to be on. (I used headphones.) She wouldn't have minded had she awoken.

But doing so with someone right there, awake and present, sharing time with you is different, it's a unilateral departure from time both are sharing. Very rude, if not always sexual assault.

Emma @69/Curious @70: Yes, "it depends on whether your partner will sleep through it" is a good point as to how rude it is to masturbate while one's partner is sleeping. I have a friend who told a story of being awoken by her boyfriend masturbating because it turned into a nightmare about an earthquake! Even if you are being quiet, you're causing movement. I once had to abandon a plan to masturbate while in a hotel room with a fast-asleep platonic friend in the next bed over because my bed frame was squeaky, and even the tiniest movements were audible. I lived with a rather prudish ex and I would only do it in the shower if he was there, so that the water would mask any sound.

I guess if you both do it and you don't mind, then of course it's fine, but you'd have to ask once -- "I'm horny, I know you're not, would it bother you if I masturbated?" and use that answer as a blanket yes/take it elsewhere. If it's not something you would ever consider doing, it's not odd that you'd react to the surprise in a similar way to Annette Bening. (I thought the joke was his embarrassment at being busted by his wife for being a literal wanker.)

But I would view it as mildly rude, not a sexual assault unless you were LITERALLY doing it into someone's face without their consent.

@71 BiDanFan
Good points, I did so quietly but not with ZERO noise (though not earthquake-dream noise!), and not with zero movement, so I can't know that her dreams or the peaceful quality of her sleep was unaffected. So I see my behavior wasn't necessarily as impactless upon her as I would need to know it were to do it again.

p.s by "as I would need to know it were to do it again" I mean I won't do so again. Er, unless someone wants me to?

Sorry, @71 reads strangely: If I needed to masturbate while my ex was at home, I'd do it in the shower so he wouldn't hear me.

Curious @73: I think you're taking a fairly absolutist stance here. I mean, you knew that this particular partner was a sound sleeper and "wouldn't have minded," right? She didn't wake up, and it was only a few times, not a regular thing you did. So I wouldn't lose sleep over it (ha ha). One generally knows one's partner well enough to accurately predict how they'd react to something like that. Perhaps you could have asked, "hey, I didn't disturb you masturbating last night, did I?" Then you'd know for sure.

@74 BiDanFan
Great suggestion, I wish I'd done that!

I found it creepy EL, and it’s true it’s rudeness rather than sexual assault, because he behaved as if I just wasn’t there, awake.

On the general topic of masturbation and sexual assault: If you are not in a sexual relationship with the person, it is definitely assault. Example from personal experience: Husband masturbating in bed? Hot. Step dad deciding to expose himself? Creepy. Stepdad standing over me jacking off while I was asleep? Battery charge. As Ms. Bi said @ 71, literally in my face without consent. I guess if I was in a new relationship, I would want someone to ask before just randomly starting to masturbate in front of me, and I might have a strong reaction to it if they didn't. I've been married for nearly 18 yrs, so I don't know for sure. In such a LTR there is a lot of blanket consent that is specifically revoked on any given occasion, rather than the other way around.

It’s not like someone is sitting there, having a cup of tea and reading quietly, a book ( remember those things?), masturbation is a sexual behaviour and a solo one, where a person gets self absorbed. Yes tachy @77, like with any sexual activity, consent is the key.

I’m sorry that happened to you tachy, such a betrayal. Glad you’ve got a loving relationship.

Ugh, Tachy @77, I agree, how awful and I'm sorry you went through it. Yes, I think Lava again nails it: Like taking a shit, masturbation is a solo activity. Participation should be by invitation. You wouldn't take a crap while your partner was in the bathroom doing their makeup or having a shower, so don't wank in their presence unless you know they either don't mind or enjoy watching/joining in. (And a good rule of thumb is that unless they are regularly fucking you, they do NOT want to see it or join in.)

@77 tachycardia
I'm SO sorry those things happened to you!

"Stepdad standing over me jacking off while I was asleep? Battery charge."

Specifically hopefully he got a charge for https://legaldictionary.net/sexual-battery/

@80 Your point is well taken, but some couples do indeed permit this:

"[taking] a crap while your partner was in the bathroom doing their makeup or having a shower."

well, several things I can relate to here. There is a woman I work with (she is self-proclaimed Non orgasmic) who cohabits with a man. She wants him to be faithful to her, he wants sex with her,..she doesn't want sex with him, BUT she allows him to jerk off while she poses half-nude from across the room. I do not understand this couple but they have been a couple for almost 2 decades.
OK, back to my real life. Lately I have been hearing discussions (telephone and real-life) wherein my Miss N. describes men who have "emotional affairs". I wonder if, by this logic, this LW is having an emotional affair with his dick?

This jerk-off topic really touches a nerve with me (forgive the pun) .
I have a very good friend who had an affair 30 years ago. It lasted almost a year. They ended it, and then both stayed married to their spouses and remain so today. After the affair ended they met unexpectedly at a business function away from their respective cities. He made a move to re-start the affair, she rejected it, but wanted to stay in touch as friends-only,...no benefits. After this meeting she called him and they talked out the whole chance meeting again and she confirmed that they COULD NOT EVER re-start their affair,...BUT she asked him this question:..
"Has a woman ever asked to watch you while you masturbated?" My dear colleague was so surprised and taken aback that all he managed to get out was "no".

@49 Emma
My Miss N. and I had one of our fights about intimacy and how often we do it where we do it, etc etc.
In the heat of an argument she asked :.."Well what do you do when I AM NOT IN THE MOOD?"
"I have to take care of it myself"
"How often does that happen?" ....
Now at this point, I SHOULD have said "none of your bidness" Instead I told her, in general terms, more-or less.
THat revelation is going to come back to haunt me. I need to have legal representation during these fights,...someone with a level head to say to me- "Hoss;...Don't answer that"

@85 To use T***p's favorite word, that's...sad.

I mean, after all, couples shouldn't need lawyers...until the divorce!

sb53@83 ~ All men have an emotional affair with their dick.

...we talk to it, stroke it, name it, bathe it, pamper it, smack it around, tickle it, fret over it, think about it constantly and would kiss it if we could.

Donny you keep cracking me up.

Lava I didn't mean to dismiss what you thought of as creepy- if you felt that way there was probably cause. Just wondering about the details but of course you are not expected to share.

Tachy yikes, and I wish that hadn't happened.

Sb53 I'm at a loss for you and for the LW and generally any person who has a partner who worries about how often the other masturbates. It makes more sense to worry about how much someone flosses- at least gum disease can affect your health and your wallet. I don't understand at all why anyone would care how often another person masturbates though I guess I get it if it's affecting their sex drive- like they aren't down for sex because they are so satisfied by themselves. ??

This must be a hetero thing as I can't remember a boyfriend ever wanting me to stop masturbating (and vice versa). Also the assumption that you're fantasizing about someone else when you masturbate. A partner I used to have, we had some really hot sex that I used to use as masturbatory material when he was away from home (work, visiting family, etc.) We often included masturbation as part of our sex life. Hope this guy came to some form of understanding with the wife that when in private it's his own business if he wants to drain the pipe. I also wonder what other demands she puts on him if she makes this kind of demand on him.

@87 Hysterical! Ack! Thbbt! to you Don! ;-) @88 You are correct. I have a pet name for mine, too, nothing is too good for my boon companion

Well, I've read the comments, and maybe I've missed it, but I don't think anyone has considered that she doesn't like him masturbating when she's home because:
* He quit fucking her when he was having the affair
* When he masturbates often, he doesn't fuck her
* Not being fucked leads her to worry that he's having another affair.
I get that he just wants a no-effort release, but is he giving her what she needs?

@83: It just clicked for me exactly why I think the concept of an "emotional affair" is some abusively controlling bullshit. The actual problem I've seen in cases where an "emotional affair" was impacting a partner isn't the feelings for someone else. Policing the kinds of feelings a partner can have is impossible, and trying to dictate zir feelings or relationships with others is abusive. Still, people ARE sometimes noting what is a legitimate (IMO) problem for them, but misidentifying it: emotional neglect, and maybe material neglect, if it's taking up so much time that the partner stops contributing equitable labor to the household or spending lots of money on someone else. Someone having close relationships with more people than their spouse(s) or sexual/romantic partner(s) is healthy; someone emotionally neglecting someone else who has a reasonable expectation of emotional intimacy and support is not healthy. The problem isn't the emotional connection with someone else, the problem is if an emorional connection with someone else takes over one's focus, time, energy, etc. such that one neglects one's commitments to one's (primary) partner(s). People insisting that their partners having close relationships with others constitutes cheating are abusers isolating their victims; people who insist that partners prioritize the relational commitments they made are reasonably standing up for themselves and their needs.

@92: fubar suggested this @57, but since it's directly contradicted by the letter, where JO says their sex life is great, most of us are ignoring that possibility. Sure, all LWs are unreliable narrators, but since we almost never get third-party input or direct evidence to confirm or refute the narrative, we mostly have to take people at their word (though internal contradictions or other red flags can bias against believing what we're told).

curious@81, He was originally charged with lewd and lascivious behavior and domestic violence battery. The difference in penalty between dv battery and regular battery was negligible, so the charge was lowered to simple battery in exchange for a nolo contendere plea. Good enough, if he ever touches anyone in any way again, it is a felony. Is it a bad thing that the prosecutor saw me trying to steer him (stepdad) into felony territory and called me "a scary person" lol? To everyone else, thank you for the kind words and support.

Twitter @82: I realise it is not a perfect analogy because sometimes there is a bowel emergency, and unlike masturbation, one cannot take a dump in a different room. But yes. Some couples are okay with this. Some couples are okay with masturbating quietly in bed. They are the exceptions, not the rule.

SB53 @84: Why was your colleague taken aback? Because of the personal nature of the question? Or because it never occurred to him that some women might want to watch a partner masturbate?

Donny @87: Then every woman has an emotional affair with her vagina. What a stupid analogy.

Emma @89: All I can think is that this concern is held by people who personally always prefer sex to masturbation, and that therefore if their partner is masturbating it means they are not satisfying them sexually, which in turn makes them feel the partner is a cheating risk. "You must satisfy your husband or he'll cheat" is a common message that's brainwashed into girls. Particularly in cultures that don't recognise female sexual pleasure, so these girls get no messages that they themselves might find masturbation enjoyable. So a masturbating husband means that either she's not satisfying him -- which is either her own fault for being inadequate or his for being animalistic -- or worse, that he doesn't find her attractive.

Jon @90: As above, female masturbation is shamed far more than male masturbation is. And even without the shame aspect, men have a physical need for orgasms, while women's is merely psychological, so they can more easily go without. Pretty much every guy will inherently understand a guy's need to masturbate, but women, not so much. ("Why not just wait until you can have sex? -We- do." Etc.)

(Donny - I know it's not your analogy. It's just a stupid one.)