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Experience music on the meadow! Final ZooTunes lineup announced!

Last week marked one year since Amazon announced that they are opening up their relationship with Seattle. We've had a lot of feelings since then—some good, some bad—but instead of standing up for ourselves or even playing a little bit of hard to get, like all good cucks, we've mostly stood in the corner and watched as Jeff Bezos fucked our wife.

Mystery man that he is, Bezos still has not announced who will be his next lover. Will it be Nashville? Raleigh? Pittsburgh? DC? Or perhaps it will be LA, which offered up to a billion dollars in tax incentives if Amazon opts to move south.

No. No. No. No, and no way in hell. Have you seen the traffic in LA? Talk to Bezos when you get some damn public transit. Besides, why stay in the U.S. when you could get the fuck out of this place instead?

Toronto, unlike us American beggars, did not offer Amazon the millions or billions in tax incentives to relocate there. But outside of tax breaks, the city has everything Jeff Bezos could want. Toronto already ranks high in local tech talent, and, unlike the the U.S., Canada's immigration policies will allow Amazon to recruit ample international talent as well. And, because it's Canada, Bezos won't be on the hook for funding his employee's healthcare costs. The government takes care of that. Toronto is affordable on a tech workers salary—which, due to the exchange rate and the lower cost of living, will cost Bezos less than it does in places like Seattle, San Fransisco, and Silicon Valley. Plus, an added bonus, it will really piss off Donald Trump, and giving that vile man an ulcer has to be worth at least a billion in tax breaks, right?

I don't actually know where Bezos will go, but there's no reason to assume he'd stay in America, especially in a political climate hostile to trade, globalization, and immigration. Besides, if Bezos is loyal to anything, it's the almighty dollar—and they have those in Canada too.