I'm a 24-year-old mostly gay male. While I've had sexual experiences with women in the past, I find myself much more attracted to men. I only came out and started dating men when I was 20.

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Lately, I've been having a hard time thinking about what turns me on in the bedroom. I've realized I really just don't like dick. I hate the smell of dicks, the taste of dicks, the look, shape and feel of dicks. The thought of giving head makes me gag (not in a good way), the few times I've tried bottoming, there was no pleasure in it for me, and the one time I tried topping I went soft immediately. That being said, I've learned to give incredible handjobs that gets the job done, but at that point I just want them to cum and be done with it. I really only get turned on when someone does things to me—like gives me head, rims me, jerks off on me, or puts me in mild bondage and jerks me off.

Obviously, this aversion to dick doesn't make my dating life too easy. I do great on first dates, but once things move to the bedroom, my reluctance to give head or have anal sex is a dealbreaker for many guys, and things end there. My question is, what is up with me? Am I just a lazy lay who needs to gain motivation to do more in bed? Recently a friend suggested that I may be asexual, but that doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm attracted to everything there is about men, all except what's between their legs. Have you heard of queer men like this?

Wish I Liked Dick

I knew there were guys like you out there—gay men who don't like dick—which is why I told HOMO that "being a gay male correlates more strongly with liking dick than it does with liking drag." I purposefully didn't tell HOMO that all gay men love dick—or even require dick.

There are, for example, gay trans men out there who weren't born with dicks and didn't have bottom surgery after transitioning—but these trans gay guys are nevertheless having tons of hot gay sex with their hot gay boyfriends, husbands, hookups, FWBs, very special guest stars, bondage subs, etc. Many of the gay cis male partners of gay trans men may like dick just fine (some may even love dick), WILD, but the absence of dick isn't a deal-breaker for them—and it stands to reason that some of them may actually prefer men without dicks.

Basically, WILD, your letter presumes that all gay men have penises and that's not the case. Have you even considered dating gay trans men? (I mean...)

Another option: I've met plenty of guys in the leather/fetish/kink scene who are into bondage and J.O. and that's it. Literally all they wanna do is tie a guy up and jack that guy off—no oral or anal desired and, in many cases, no reciprocation required.

But I haven't answered your question, WILD: What is up with you? I have no idea. You could get into therapy and unpack your issues at length and keep going on first dates with men and see if your feelings about dick change—you should do both those things, in fact. But at the same time, WILD, you should also seek out sex partners whose equipment and/or desires make them good potential lids for your particular pot. Since "into dick" is a perfectly reasonable assumption when a guy agrees to go out on a date with another guy, WILD, be upfront and honest with all the guys you date—cis, trans, kinky, whatever—and you won't find yourself in bed with guys who want or expect more than you're able to give them right now and possibly ever.

Speaking of trans: the fear-mongering about trans people doing what trans people have always done—use the appropriate public restrooms—is, as we always knew it was, complete and utter bullshit. Also highly dangerous bullshit, as I've pointed out.


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