Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A teenage boy's girlfriend comes easily—but not during sex. Teenage boy asks: What's wrong with her? A letter-writer's ex sucked at sex but she usually came. Her current is AMAZING at sex but she never comes. Help! Another letter-writer didn't actually cheat—almost did, but didn't—but her husband is sure she will cheat sometime. So why punish her now? And this letter-writer is into guys but not into dick, so...? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
For TLB, the teenage boy who doesn't know why his girlfriend isn't coming during sex:
Masturbating during sex results in quite amazing orgasms. Highly recommend it.
Seconded. More for TLB:
How about taking a page or two from the lesbian playbook. Watching lesbian porn produced by women for women could help a guy learn techniques for helping a woman achieve orgasm. If lesbians can successfully produce lots of orgasms without a dick, just imagine what you can do with a dick and a few of their tricks in your repertoire.
Solid advice! I also advise straight people to watch a little gay porn and pay attention to what the bottom is usually doing while he's being fucked: he's stroking himself. Women should make like the gay bottoms and touch themselves while they're getting fucked. A long one for TLB:
Have loved your column for years, but your answer to "The Lost Boy" was condescending and inaccurate for both the boy and his girl. I think you missed many points. As a straight woman who loves cock, here is what I would say...
First you need to find out what is making her come when she does it herself. Is it her clit she is rubbing or is she using a toy to reach her g-spot and clit at the same time? Once you find out which parts of her need attention for climax, you can work from there. Find out HOW she rubs herself. Follow her exact moves, put your hand on her hand to feel what she is doing. Let her show you what she is doing for a long time, without interrupting her to try it yourself. Only when you have watched and felt her coming multiple times should you try it yourself. Ask as you go if it feels good and if it doesn't feel good to her, ask her what WOULD feel good. Let her tell you and listen. Do what she says and keep your ego out of the room. Don't assume you know anything about her until she tells you that SHE thinks you know.
The next thing to check is your cock. Is it crooked? If it doesn't curve the normal way, it will not stroke her g-spot when it is engorged. As it gets harder, your cock will curve away from her g-spot, and to her it will feel like you have gotten less hard just when she needs you most. And since you would be fully hard, you won't understand why she thinks you aren't. You may have to use different positions to get the parts to line up, or you may need surgery to get the right curve. If her g-spot is important to her climax, this is the most important issue to work out. I know this from personal experience.
The next thing to know about is style — fast or slow, soft or hard. For example, my husband wants me to lay still while he gently fucks me, and he rubs my clit, just like Dan said. My husband wants us to both come together like that, as he has done with other women. But that has not been good for me and I have not been able to have deep, strong climaxes that way (I've been trying for years). His cock is crooked and doesn't hit my g-spot which is the source of the best climaxes for me. I like faster and more intense motions. I like to move around. I like to squeeze my pussy when his cock is inside me, it feels good to me, but he needs me to be perfectly still and relaxed in order for him to enjoy himself, and when I accidentally squeeze him, it distracts him and makes him less hard.
I have to be moving when I come. He likes it slow, I like fast. This is like a dance, but with sex, both partners need to be able to lead and follow. You need to be able to trade off on who is leading, so you each get your chance to do what you like, and receive what you like, back and forth, maybe many times before orgasm. My husband and I have come to realize we are not sexually compatible. We both assumed our sex life would get better with time, but it has not and we are now re-evaluating how to make our relationship work.
Dan, I have never read anything that explains exactly what being sexually incompatible means. Now I think I know, and I think dates should identify their style, before even getting coffee. I love my husband deeply, but I don't think we will be having sex in our future because we can't satisfy each others needs, even though we want to, we end up just irritating each other. We fell in love before we knew we were incompatible. And we've been fighting about these differences our whole marriage.
And Dan, this Lost Boy asked so sweetly if the problem could be his, and you insulted his intelligence and his physical capabilities. Real dick move, Dan.
And a short one about TLB:
Poor Dan! I can only imagine the self-trauma inflicted in writing this answer. Take a deep breath... wipe all that pussy out of your mind. There! Doesn't that feel better?
After nearly thirty years writing Savage Love, a decade hosting the Savage Lovecast, and fourteen years curating and hosting HUMP! — the HUMP! jury convenes on Monday to select the films for the 14th Annual HUMP! Film Festival (tickets are on sale now!) — I can proudly say that I'm no longer traumatized by pussy. (I was never really that traumatized to begin with.) For NOPE, the letter-writer who can't come with her current boyfriend:
I agree with Dan that she needs to rethink her attitude toward orgasms and how to get them. But she may also need to rethink her ideas about sex in general and the role she plays. Sex is not a piece of music where she is played by the other person and the beauty of the music is entirely a result of the other person’s playing skill. It is a dance between two equally talented dancers who take turns leading, following, and acting in unison to create an amazing act in partnership.
And a response from NOPE herself:
Wow. I have to say, I never expected a response. (I’m sure you never hear that.) Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond — I hope this means your shoulder is feeling better. I have to say, you’ve been given less than three paragraphs about my marriage and somehow managed to nail it. For seventeen years I was retreating into my head (and my own physical space) to find some meager happiness, not just in bed but in life. It is bewildering out here, where the joy comes from being with other people, not away from them. Thanks for putting that sensation into words, and for calming my concerns about when and if I’ll get there with a partner. And thanks for “Mr. AmazingMoves,” a tragic nickname which I will use to torture my partner for years to come!
For YAFU, the married woman who didn't cheat on her husband (but whose husband is giving her hell because he's convinced she'll cheat at some point):
At twenty-five, letter-writer, I was falling in love every other week. Passionately. Pay your dues to your husband, and talk to each other. If he thinks you’re never going to fancy other men, he’s got his head stuck in the sand. This should not be a catastrophe situation in a marriage. You didn’t cheat indeed, you’ve been trying to make amends. If he’s holding out on resolving that yes, you did fancy another man and it’s quite normal for these attractions to occur and hasn’t it ever happened for him. Talking divorce sounds like a childish response to such a situation. It will happen again, just don’t let it overpower you.
Another one for YAFU:
Many years ago I was in the exact same position as YAFU. I behaved poorly by flirtatiously dancing on the edge of an affair which, even though it finally never occurred, my BF at the time treated as a breach of trust he could never forgive me for. I tried hard and very sincerely to make amends but eventually grew to resent his constant punishment and suspicion over a non-event, and we ended up splitting in a way that was just as if not more painful for both of us than if I actually had cheated on him.
So I basically agree with everything you said to YAFU about most of the responsibility for their relationship’s survival being now mostly with him. However: When I was truly honest with myself (and it took awhile, believe me), I had to admit that I knew him well enough to know that, rightly or not, my BF was going to be hurt in exactly the manner and degree he was and I did it anyway. After four years I seriously doubt YAFU didn’t know the same about her husband, so while no, she didn’t cheat and doesn’t deserve pre-emptive distrust on those grounds, she did demonstrate that she’s willing to knowingly hurt him over very little and what is he supposed to do with that other than exactly what he is: Wonder what she’s going to do next time when maybe the stakes are much higher? A lot of this depends on particulars of their history and personalities I don’t know and regardless as I said you’re not “wrong.” But Sir, you have been very and very admirably clear in the past on “The Price of Admission” in a relationship and I can definitely see this being an example of that as well.
Thank you, Dan, for your enlightening writing. It takes a community to break off the shackles of growing up conservative, and you make the process a bit more accessible. I hope you are well.
Responding to the woman who was accused of cheating: "I know I screwed up, perhaps irreparably. I hate the thought of being such a young divorcée but here I am. I never thought I’d be one of those people." Don't stay married because you want to avoid the label. If you're going to label yourself (and others >:-( ),"Young divorcee" is better than "unhappily married, middle-aged person who feels too old to start over". The hardest part may be telling everyone about it. Once that bandaid is ripped off, you get to move on to not being married to an asshole.
Hi Dan, I've never written to you before — I have no idea why. I've been reading your column for years and hold you and your advice in high esteem. I feel compelled to write regarding the insight offered to AAF and UGLY, who, to one extent or the other, either believe their weight is unappealing to others, or simply can't believe it when it is. I am in my mid-forties and am husky, but I've always been into chubby men, and middle aged men, even when I was young and more svelte. I feel your column this week spoke to the many regular joes out there who also read your column with regularity — men who may think they are automatically unattractive due to their weight. Thank you for shedding light on the fact that there are men out there that are mostly, if not exclusively, attracted to men with girth.
For Wish I Liked Dick:
I am the other side of this! Gay man, love doing things to other guys dicks, but my ideal would be they don't interact with my dick at all. Though, I do like grinding against guys when I'm hard, so that's some form of interaction I like, but hand jobs, blow jobs — I love to give, but if I had my way I'd never receive another one again. I've "learned" to enjoy blow jobs, sort of, after repeatedly having this experience: I tell the guy upfront I'm not into receiving either of these things, he seems to love the idea, and then invariably he tries to jerk me off or blow me, and then gets sad that I'm as not-into-it as I said I would be. Every single guy thought he was special — I state clearly that I'm not into having my dick sucked, but they're convinced that they're the one who can finally open my eyes (and I can sort of see their thinking — I myself spent enormous amounts of time hoping a guy would come along who I would really fall for in a way that would lead my sexual interests to broaden — but I eventually just had to recognize it's just not in me)
(And there are things I like that I do have them do to me, they just don't want to stop there. It seems to be such a hard-wired attitude that if they don't directly get me off with their hands or mouth, the hookup is a sad failure. I don't know where this stereotype of gay men [or men] only caring about getting themselves off came from — I can't find them anywhere!) So I got a Viagra prescription, and with that and an incredible amount of concentration, I can now (sometimes) make it through receiving a blow job, and feign enjoyment for the other guys sake. I hate it. I hope someday I actually manage to connect with a guy who has the preferences of the letter writer.
I just wanted to write to say how much I love your podcast. I recently started listening and have been binging past episodes. I honestly feel more emotionally mature after each episode. I consider myself pretty open minded, but you open my eyes to scenarios that I have never considered and help me look at things I don’t understand with compassion instead of judgement. I also wanted to thank you for promoting ethical companies. I just ordered my first pair of meundies and plan to shop at everlane in the future. Thank you so much for all the good you do!
Nice to know not all my moves are dick moves — thanks for writing! And finally: this note appeared at the bottom of the Savage Love Letter of the Day over the last two weeks...
"I'm currently recovering from surgery — a shoulder injury, nothing serious, but I've been told recovery from this kind of surgery (repairing a torn rotator cuff) takes some time and that I'll be laid up for a while and even more useless than usual. So I'm taking a couple weeks off.... In lieu of flowers or get-well cards please get yourself something nice at www.ImpeachTheMotherfuckerAlready.com — all proceeds benefit the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and the International Refugee Assistance Project — or email me a picture of your boyfriend's butt."
One reader — a reader who sent along a butt pic (thanks, reader!) — wanted to draw attention to my gay privilege:
Straight Guy: "Hey, send pics of your girlfriends’ asses!"
World: "YOU DISGUSTING PIG!"
Straight woman: "Hey, send pics of your boyfriends’ asses!"
Gay Man: "Hey, send pics of your boyfriends’ asses!"
World: "YASS! REBLOG! SHARE! TAKE MINE!"
I think this is how the Universe tries to pay gay people back for all the shit it throws at them.
Most world religions haaaaaaaate us (and teach us to hate ourselves), thousands of gay teenagers are homeless because their families kicked them out, we have to listen to politicians say shit like this, and there's also a very good chance that a hyper-partisan, Trump-packed Supreme Court could overturn Obergefell. (And Roe and Griswald.) There are countries where gay men are being caned (gay women too), imprisoned, tortured, and executed — but, hey, at least we can ask for butt pics without being called pigs or sluts!
Thanks to everyone who sent their good wishes, ordered some ITMFA gear, and sent in butt pic while I convalescing! I mean...
...who wouldn't feel better after finding that in their inbox?