Letter Writer: Stop Assuming You Know What Women Want

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

Comments

1

I love you, Dan.

2

Ten, twenty years ago, a gay person would've been called something MUCH worse for asking for pictures of anyone's boyfriend's asses... who knows how long this grace period is going to last?

3

So don't wait, send in those buttpix while you still can.

4

So don't wait -- send those butt pics now, while you still can.

5

To the woman who “loves cock,” and says “you may need surgery to get the right curve:“ Per your sexual incompatibility with your husband, you should check your vagina. Is it crooked? If it doesn't curve the normal way, his cock will not stroke your g-spot. You may need g-spot relocation surgery to get the right curve.

6

I know these writers are answering letters, not asking their own questions, but I still wanted to respond to the woman who wrote in about "He likes it slow, I like fast."

I disagree about what "being sexually incompatible" means. I think it's about not being able to find workable compromises. My sex life with Mr. P. has changed several times in our decades together, and I expect it will change again in the future.

It's entirely possible for two people to be happy sharing sexual contact that doesn't directly get one (or both) of them off, and then finish in some way that works for each of them. So maybe instead of expecting his wife to lay completely still while he fucks her, he could fuck her relaxed hand instead. Or her ass cheeks, or thighs, or breasts, or some other part that doesn't tempt her so much to clench and wiggle. And maybe he could then use a dildo in her, or his fist, so she can squirm all she likes without worrying about his erection.

I'm not telling them how to handle it, but I do think that some good will and sexual attraction can help solve mechanical issues like the one she mentions, and others.

The first step is getting beyond defining PIV as the gold standard that has to lead to orgasm for both people each time. But that's only the first step -- there are lots of fun, weird, exciting steps after that.

7

This g spot gets a run, and seriously, telling some guy to get surgery for a curved cock. Who thinks like this. I read somewhere recently, the g spot is the clit continuing its way inside and if a woman is lucky it may protrude in a spot, g or otherwise, where it can be stimulated by cock, and an orgasm will occur.

8

Dan, the lesbian porn suggestion wasn't a good one because the advice seeker IS getting his girlfriend off in all the ways lesbians do. So while lesbian porn might convince him that one doesn't even need a cock to satisfy a woman, it's unlikely to give much help on how he can get her off with his cock. A book like The Joy Of Sex would probably be more relevant.

Based on the next bit of advice, maybe the headline was confusing? "Teenage Boy's GF Comes Easily—But Not During Sex." The letter said she IS coming during sex, just not PIV. Dan, get some better headline writers.

I completely agree "get surgery to get the right curve" is outrageous advice. Trying different positions, yes. But hitting the G-spot has to do with length as well as curvature; would she advise getting one's cock shortened? What if one has surgery then breaks up with this particular partner? And what's "the normal way" for a cock to curve? Jeez. It's okay though, her husband is a bit of a jerk too, who seems to want a fleshlight instead of a lover. Word to the wise, the vast majority of men I've been with LOVE a squeeze. And the vast majority of people of any gender would run a mile if their Tinder match started describing in detail their sexual style before the first coffee date. Far better (IMO) is my approach: the 90-day money-back guarantee period. Don't commit in the first three months. Just date casually and see if you are compatible (sexually and otherwise). You should know this by approximately three months in. If you're not, go your separate ways. Don't complicate things by announcing you're in a relationship only to discover a month or two later that you overestimated, and now you have to have an awkward breakup.

Congrats, LavaGirl, on being Dan-quoted!

As someone who did sent a pic of a cute male butt, I certainly wouldn't have sent it (and I'm sure he wouldn't have consented to have it sent) to any random gay dude on the internet. Dan is royalty. A butt pic is the least I could to do thank him for all the great advice over the years, and this community! Bottoms up, Dan! :)

9

EricaP @6: Yes. "He likes it slow, I like it fast." Seems an obvious solution: He fucks her fast and she moves around all she likes until she comes, then she lies still so he can come. It sounds less like they're incompatible and more like they're both un-GGG.

10

Out of the crooked timber ('TIM-BER-R-R!') of humanity, nothing straight is ever made.

I can't think that a husband and wife are sexually incompatible because his dick has a pronounced curvature. (Also--wouldn’t it likely bend in towards her G-spot? Necessarily--in some positions and not others). The mistake he's making is in thinking that they should come together. A different kind of sexual contact is orgasm-inducing for each. It should be separate; and the attested order would be 'her, and then him'. Both of them like a fairly characteristic genital sensation for their gender: him, a warm and gentle friction, closely localized, with him controlling pace and contact; and her, a less localized stimulation, with the involvement of the length of her clitoris, pressure on her G-spot, him thrusting quickly and her moving (and squeezing) spontaneously and freely (well, this is what I gather). The usual supposition, also, would be that he's coming more than her.... And she doesn't think they will be having sex again ... though she loves him. Awww.

She wants to write in asking for advice, but feels she knows too much about sex to put herself in a position of supplication.... I'll give advice anyway. 1) Try to disabuse your husband of the notion that it's more romantic to come together, or that he has sole responsibility for making you come or for giving you pleasure; 2) Get back to, or have, pleasurable sex that doesn't involve his genitals; 3) Learn to insist on your own pleasure and to call the shots, telling your partner what feels good; 4) Have sex more often and casually, with less hanging on either of your orgasms, on how great it is or what it means for your 'compatibility'. Let it just be about wanting to offer each other pleasure; 5) Find a position where his damned crooked dick is curving the right way. Naturally good positions for the usual curvature of the penis are cowgirl and doggy-style. Here the curvature goes the same way as man-on-top (yes? straight correspondents? more experienced correspondents?) but the grinding is less. 'Cowgirl' and 'Reverse Cowgirl' have those names for a reason. I've put this one last because it's also probably least. Take a few steps back from your comment ... and good luck! You don't have to stop having sex because your partner has a crooked dick!

11

Oddly enough my SO and I have the exact opposite problem than crooked dick surgery person. I, the guy, like hard and fast and my SO prefers me to either be still or move very little/slowly.

So I just exert this great and mighty power called "patience", she finishes first, then I finish and it's glorious. I think we figured that out in time for coffee to brew. Not rocket science.

12

Harriet @10: Based on the guys I've fucked, liking sex slow is not "characteristic of their gender"! So many dudes just go in for the jackhammering. Though, they may be doing this not because they like it but because past partners liked it, or because they just assumed that's what women like.
Recently I had this discussion with my newest partner, as a result of a female standup comic remarking that women prefer slower fucking:
"Is that true? 'Slow and hard'?"
"Yes, she's right on."
"Then why did you let me do it fast?"
"Um, because you need to come too?"

Cowgirl and doggy are opposites. In cowgirl as in missionary, the partners face each other; in doggy, spooning and reverse cowgirl, he enters from behind. The head of the penis rubs against the back of the vagina in rear-entry positions and the front of it during facing positions. Cowgirl is generally the best position for rubbing one's clit against one's partner's body. If his dick bends to the right or left, they may need to experiment with positions where one or both is leaning to one side, or coming in from an angle.

Husband does need to accept that if they have opposite preferences for intercourse, they're not going to come at the same time. This is actually a pretty uncommon occurrence in my experience, though it's highly romanticised. (And one reason women fake orgasms.)

13

@BiDanFan: Totally, agree me with this: “Seems an obvious solution: He fucks her fast and she moves around all she likes until she comes, then she lies still so he can come. It sounds less like they're incompatible and more like they're both un-GGG.”

I prefer slow, rhythmic fucking, but my partners typically want something harder, if not faster, so I go at a pace and intensity they need to orgasm, and give them the freedom to move all they want. But when sex turns my my orgasm, I ask my partners to quiet their bodies so I can fuck them at a slow pace and really feel their pussy in a way that I cannot when have sex in a way that works best for them. That this LW’s husband losses his erection because her pussy squeezes him seem odd, because that does feel good. But for me when a partner wriggles her hips, I don’t get that consistent feeling that I need to ramp up to orgasm. In that respect, I’m like the LW who found out she needed repetition to orgasm. Fortunately, my partners have never had any problem willingly laying still while I fucked them, except one, who was never able to manage that, so I had to hook her legs with my arms so I could lock her in place.

As for simultaneous orgasms, I cannot imagine a less worthy goal to aim for in sex. Even when it happens so what? I think that perhaps it comes from a mindset that to be observed orgasming even by your sex partner is shameful or continuing to have sex after your partner has orgasmed is wrongful. Candidly, I enjoy watching my partners orgasm, and they seem to enjoy concentrating on the feeling of me inside of their vaginas and sensing my orgasm.

14

@8 BDF: Agreed on the headline writers: we've been schooled that "sex" is not just PIV... and this column's "Stop Assuming You Know What Women Want" could relate to the lesbian porn recommendation, but it's a stretch.

15

@6/EricaP: I am interested to know whether you might be willing describe how you sex life with your husband changed, and whether it was an evolution or clear breaks?

16

Sublime @13: I dunno, simultaneous orgasms are pretty awesome, IMO. But either it happens naturally, or you'll probably ruin otherwise great sex by trying to force it. So it shouldn't be a "goal," but rather a bonus.

Repetition - yes. I need a consistent rhythm to build up to orgasm, and have had partners ruin it by finding that perfect groove, but then interpreting my moans of pleasure as "speed up!" or "vary it with a couple of slower, hard thrusts!" instead of "what you are doing right now is perfect, keep doing that!" Super frustrating! It's interesting to hear a male-bodied person give a variation on "I can't come while multi-tasking." It's the same for me, which means that while cowgirl is the ideal position for setting my own pace and getting both clit and g-spot stimulation, it's often hard to come because when I get close I can't focus on maintaining the rhythm I need to come. Ideally I'll get right up to the edge and then my partner will take over, and take -me- over.

17

@9 @11 I'm rarely able to resist the magical power of an orgasming vagina on my penis, so when my partner comes (from long, slow, steady), I come too... despite my resolve to hang on and indulge some fantasy or other. Still, those orgasms are amongst the best, so no complaints.

18

SublimeAfterglow @15 evolution, I guess: me now sometimes running the fuck, willingness to explore gender fuckery, learning how to make ass play work for us, changing the dirty talk from time to time, and generally de-emphasizing PIV and orgasm in favor of trying new things.

19

Surgery? WTF no, if a dude had written in to say women need to get their pussies operated on to be tight enough for him to come you would have torn them a new asshole, and rightfully Dan.

Personally, in my experience some women and men are really interested in mutual/fucking orgasms but with my wife she is not super into penetration, so we basically take turns with me fucking to climax then getting her off externally, or vice versa. I have offered to help her out during sex, but she's just more into sucking dick and clitoral stimulation without any distractions. What matters is not that you have just the right orgasms in just the right way, but that you have the right sex for both of you.

20

I thought it was Ms Lucy who "cured" him.

21

@18/EricaP: Thank you. Very interest to think about de-emphasizing vaginal intercourse.

22

Fubar @17: Similarly, if I'm close to orgasm and my partner comes, that's a sufficient turn-on to get me there too. Depending on position and etc etc, of course.

23

@12. Bi. You are right. 'Slow and gentle' is not characteristic of how men like PIV or penetrative genital intercourse! 'Warmly frictional', 'closely localized', with the man controlling pace and degree of contact was more what I was trying to say was characteristic.

You've explained the geometry to me re the head of the penis rubbing against the front and back wall on front and rear entry positions. I'm thinking now that doggy and cowgirl have something in common wrt the clitoral stimulation they may offer, not their friction with the vaginal wall? This would be my experience, but you know that this is slight and secondary with women.... partly because a good part of the sex with women that I'd seek wouldn't require of me a traditional role as a penis-haver.

One thing that's only occurred to me now is the husband's having Peyronie's Syndrome. This can make the penis bend against its usual curvature, yes? But she doesn't say that he experiences discomfort in sex or having erections, or flag this up as a problem. If they do have this problem, then all the more reason for separating his'n'hers pleasures or orgasms.