Chew this one over.
Chew this one over. emmepiphoto / Getty Images

Billionaire sends other billionaire to the moon: Elon Musk, known recently for dating Grimes, calling a rescue diver a pedophile, and smoking a joint on some dumb podcast, has announced that he will be sending Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa, founder of Japan’s largest online fashion retailer, around the moon on SpaceX’s inaugural space-tourist flight in 2023. Maezawa is apparently an avid art collector and plans to invite artists to join him on his trip. I will now address Maezawa directly: Dear Yusaku Maezawa, my name’s Michael and, wouldn’t you know, I’m an artist! I like brisk walks in the Seattle rain and long flights through space—actually, I have seen Titanic and know better than to accept any excursion on a revolutionary travel vessel until the kinks have been worked out. Save my spot for some other artist, and then I’m sure we can work out some deal where you collect my work!

What's in Mayor Jenny Durkan's pocket? A multimillionaire. Breaking news from the Seattle Times this morning regarding texts about the repeal of the head tax. There are newly released texts between Durkan and entrepreneur Nick Hanauer indicating just how much of a direct line he has with the mayor. Even more juicy, though, are the texts reported between Seattle City Council member M. Lorena González and her aide Cody Reiter. In the exchange, González essentially advocates to her aide for a situation in which "the shit will be all over [Durkan's] face." Their words, not mine. This is a long article, with many revelations, and it is definitely worth your time.

As disgusting as the Seattle gum wall is, at least it isn’t Trump’s wall: The city cleaned the gum wall for the second time ever last week. Apparently, the gum itself can destroy the durability of the wall underneath, which begs the question, why not just build the wall out of gum? As a Seattleite, I have always had an I-guess-it’s-cool/couldn’t-care-less relationship with the gum wall. While it is an abstract, artistic emblem of our city, I’ve never made any real attempt to spend time near or around it, because... gum is disgusting, both when in the mouth, being chewed as a cow chews cud, and out of the mouth, forever stuck to whichever unfortunate surface it touches. In any case, this is your chance to get on the ground floor of the new, clean wall, and preserve your DNA for another, let’s say, 15 years?

Tacoma is serious about going car-less: And they’re not doing it just to cut down on carbon emissions, Rubén Casas explains in the Urbanist. Pierce County’s long-range transit plan titled "Destination 2040" is all about improving people’s quality of life across the board and trying to make Tacoma less dependent on cars in general. The approach is about embracing mass-transit options, as well as walking and biking all as a primary travel option for residents rather than a secondary option to single-occupancy vehicles. Meanwhile, in Seattle, we’re still trying to teach people what a bike lane is and why it doesn’t destroy society.

Quarterback Russell Wilson sacked six times... LOL: Three-hour-long story in three short words: Seahawks lost again. Look, there’s about a hundred different articles online about all the different reasons they lost, and each looks more pointless and boring than the next. I have great respect for the amount of masochism sports fans seem to be able to tolerate, but the question remains—how many more years of this can people put themselves through? The answer is, inevitably, forever.

We can't save Russell Wilson from being sacked, but we can save the salmon: The contingent of Alaska, Washington, Oregon, and Canada have agreed to work together on a 10-year plan to save the salmon. But it isn’t only about saving the salmon. It’s about preserving orcas as well. Those poor lil’ cuties rely on Chinook salmon for sustenance, and not enough salmon have been making it back out to the ocean. Despite their cuteness, orcas are actually quite large, and believe it or not, they cannot travel up rivers to catch their dinner.

The hug seen round the world: Except, I hope not. The picture in this Guardian article of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and South Korean president Moon Jae-in hugging is some truly perverse shit. It’s true, South Korea is in a position where not hugging the dictator could mean nuclear annihilation, but that doesn’t make the hug any less disturbing. Sure, it could be that North Korea will stop its nuclear program, in return for economic relief, and spread that wealth among the nation’s totally and utterly exhausted population.

Back to our own dictator: President Trump doesn’t like the “Made in China 2025” policy, and is back imposing tariffs, reports the New York Times. More and more it is becoming clear that the consequences of the trade war, and the trade war itself, could extend out well into the next two decades—it’s like the most boring, and yet consequential, game of dominos ever.

Back to black:

Tonight's best Seattle entertainment options include: The unapologetically cringeworthy reading series Salon of Shame, what could be your last chance to witness the ornate music of the Zombies, and a wood-fired dinner paired with offerings from Woodinville boutique winery Avennia.