I’m a 27-year-old woman in a relationship with a 50-year-old man. Recently we had a fight about him showing me a video a friend had sent him of a woman he'd slept with in the past. It was an explicit video which I wouldn’t have wanted to watch. I’ve told him in the past that I don’t care if he watches porn when he’s alone but I don’t want to watch it with him, which he has mostly respected. I’ve thought about it, trying to get to the root of why I’m uncomfortable with it and what I’ve realized is that 1) I’m insecure about my own body and it makes me feel bad about myself to know he likes watching these other women who have much more perfect bodies than I do and 2) I just wish that I was enough for him and he didn’t have the desire to watch these videos, whether it’s of someone he’s known in the past or just regular porn from the internet.

I’ve never felt the need to watch porn. I don’t feel that need to watch other men in videos like that, even more "conventionally attractive" or hotter men, so I just don’t get it. I love him and I don’t want to look at other mens’ bodies — especially men I don’t know. I guess that highlights the difference between the male and female brain. But at the same time I know there are women out there that would be ok with it or even enjoy watching porn alone or with a partner. So my question is this: Do I owe it to him to make an effort to try to overcome my feelings of discomfort and inadequacy? What do I need to do be GGG here? I don’t want to be that girlfriend that he has to tiptoe around but it really makes me feel bad about myself because I truly feel no matter what I do I cannot compete with porn stars. He’s told me no video or picture or anything could change how he feels about me. I know he would do anything I wanted sexually if I just asked. But I struggle to put things into words when it comes to this stuff. Any advice for me?

Couple Seeking Input

You don't have to force yourself to watch porn to be good, giving, and game, CSI. You don't even have to pretend to like it when your boyfriend watches porn. You just have to own what's yours — those feelings of inadequacy — and allow your boyfriend to enjoy porn on his own time. As I've written before...

The porn de la concorde — the only porn compromise that works — goes like this: He pretends not to look at porn, out of consideration for your feelings, and you pretend to believe him, out of consideration for his.

Since he knows his porn use make you feel uncomfortable, CSI, your boyfriend should do his best to keep porn out of sight and out of (your) mind — not because he should be ashamed of his porn use (he shouldn't), but because thinking about him watching porn makes you feel bad (and he shouldn't want to make you feel bad). So he should clear the browser history on any shared devices, he shouldn't leave porn open on his laptop, he should always prioritize sex with you over jacking it to porn, and he shouldn't watch porn on his phone next you in bed when he think you're asleep (because you might not be). Consideration is key: since your boyfriend knows porn bothers you, he should — out of consideration for your feelings — be discreet.

Not ashamed, discreet.

For your part, CSI, you shouldn't go looking for evidence that he's watching porn — and if he slips up every once in a great while and you spot something porny on his laptop or in his browser history, you should give him credit for the weeks or months or years that elapsed without you stumbling over evidence that your boyfriend was looking at porn and let it go. Turn a blind eye, shrug it off, close the laptop. Just as he should take your feelings into consideration and keep his porn out of sight/mind, CSI, you should take his efforts into consideration and not blow up when you stumble over evidence that your boyfriend watched a little porn.

Finally, CSI, while you say you can't compete with porn stars, I'd say you competed with porn stars and you won — he's with you, after all, he's not with a porn star or out there trying to land a porn star. So, hey, maybe he's telling the truth when he says no video or picture could change how he feels about you. There are no guarantees, of course, and relationships end every day. But romantic relationships would be impossible if we weren't willing to take "yes" for an answer — and that means believing them when they tell us that they wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

P.S. The video you boyfriend's friend sent him? The one of a woman your boyfriend slept with in the past? I hope that video was made and sent with the knowledge and consent of the woman in it. If not, DTMFA.

P.P.S. If you've made it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like to watch porn yourself and that you don't like to think about him watching porn and he insists on showing you porn — or showing you explicit videos of women he used to sleep with — then your boyfriend is an inconsiderate asshole, CSI, and you should DTMFA.