Reader Thoughts on Pulling Out, Coming Out as a Sex Worker, and Porn Viewing Incompatibility

Savage Love Letter of the Day: Reader Advice Round-up

Comments

1

Everyone knows Christine Blasey Ford is telling the truth. Rather a lot of people just don't care.

2

Hey Dan, just generally with the current situation, thanks again for continuing to be a really great feminist.

3

Wait a minute. All those staged orgasms in the porn she watches never made NOPE's commenter feel "orgasmically inadequate," yet a letter from someone having a hard time coming did? What?

4

@1 fubar
I couldn't agree more, I'm just commenting on a tangent.

The 25% of the country who are rightwing authoritarian followers actually don't know she is telling the truth. Their trip there is a rather horrifying demonstration of the mind's ability to change thoughts to support one's beliefs. (This, significantly, also works upon memories to create a picture of oneself the individual likes.)

They started out (as you say) 'just not caring'. Then their subconscious went to work and (stunningly) convinced them that she wasn't telling the truth. That this happens for reasons like practicality and self-interest I find quite appalling, since they can nonetheless be entirely convinced of their objectivity.

A common example of these gymnastics, is those people who are always wrong about everything. Note what they predict some time, then after they turn out to be wrong, ask them what their prediction had been. Their memory will have been erased (not unlike in the novel 1984) and substituted with one that made their original prediction the correct one. Hence they can continue to trust their judgement despite it never having been reliable.

5

@curious2, you mean "those people who are always right about everything", right?

6

@5 Fede
No. And Assuming you know I didn't, I guess you're implying I think I am always right? LOL. I've admitted to having been wrong about all sorts of things right here in recent weeks and months. (I know that people who are always wrong about everything can't start admitting it since it would then be all they ever had time to do, but others like me have no difficulty admitting when we're wrong.)

8

The commenter who has never tried hormonal birth control opposes it philosophically as putting women’s bodies through hell? Hell is maternal mortality, which is greater in unplanned pregnancies.

If she doesn’t want to even try hormonal contraception, fine. Like the majority of women, she would likely have few side effects, although of course some people do with anything. But stop perpetuating the myths of harm when it has saved many thousands of women’s lives.

Dan, quit playing into the right-wing anti-contraception bullshit on your platform.

9

It’s not a right wing platform Fresh @8. Side effects in the moment tells us nothing about effects after long time use.

10

I assume she'd not get her MD if people were to find out because what she's doing is illegal (Isn't she just a selective, albeit high priced, hooker)? I mean, if she was working legally as a stripper could she be stopped from getting her MD?

11

@9 Lava, we have tremendous amounts of data about long-term pill use—50 years of data. The evidence is overwhelming that it saves lives. The prevention of pregnancy (which can be fatal) is one aspect. Another aspect is that it prevents ovarian and endometrial cancer. Literally decades of data from millions of women, and the evidence is overwhelming—hormonal contraception saves women’s lives.

And that doesn’t even address improvement in women’s quality of life through reduced menstrual pain and flow.

12

@11: We also have a lot of evidence that it reduces libido in many women. (Which makes sense: if your body is being fooled into thinking it's already pregnant, why bother wanting sex?)

Personally I think the pill is one of the greatest inventions of the last couple hundred years. But let's not pretend it's without issue, or that being cautious about its use makes you anti-contraception. It's possible to acknowledge that it's a wonderful thing that saves lives, and also acknowledge that it's not perfect and comes with real issues. (Unless you think the loss of a woman's libido isn't an issue?)

13

As another note, we have plenty of evidence as well that being on hormonal birth control changes who you are attracted to. This is a real thing, and can be a real problem. When young women are on the pill and then get married and go off it to have kids, they may suddenly find themselves not attracted to the man they married whilst on it. That can ruin marriages.

Just sayin'. It ain't all roses. (Although at the moment it's still one of the best options.)

14

One of my comments was included in the reader round-up! I feel validated and recognized, I feel truly alive.

15

@Fresh We can agree that birth control is an amazing thing while also acknowledging its problems, and yes it does concern me a bit that women are expected to deal with the expense and side effects when men could simply wear condoms. At the same time, I would never take away from women the ability to rely on their own birth control method, especially if they have casual sex too. But she was not comparing birth control to no contraception. She was comparing it to condom use, and yes it is troubling that women are expected to fill their bodies with hormones for decades, and deal with the side effects related to that which include (for many women) decreased libido, just so that men can have slightly more pleasurable sex.

16

The practice of medicine by doctors is also a wonderful/amazing thing. Doctors (like everyone) want to be proud of their jobs, and they deserve to be. But I think that their justifiable wish to be proud of their jobs, given what a large role pharmaceuticals have come to play in their jobs, does not incentivize them to be as sensitive to the significance of side effects from pharmaceuticals as is warranted.

I think doctors are also trained to present confidence as part of good bedside manner, which can be laudable. I think they should also be trained to question more when they're not at the bedside.

17

Fresh @8: Some women are fine on hormonal birth control. It's worked great for me, with no negative side effects (positive ones have included shorter and more predictable periods, but alas, have not included breast growth) for most of 30 years. However, many women are not so lucky. Side effects can include weight gain, depression, migraines, and as mentioned, loss of libido. It is not a miracle drug and countless women have been hurt by assumptions that they should just stay on it regardless of the side effects. I suspect the quoted commenter is close to one of these women -- perhaps her mother or sister -- which is why she was put off the idea for life.

Condomless sex is more pleasurable for women, too. Many of us see condoms as a necessary evil of casual sex, but would prefer to stop using them in a monogamous relationship. So it's not useful to just sentence all OS couples who wish not to procreate to a lifetime of latex.