Savage Love Oct 26, 2018 at 1:22 pm

Savage Love Letter of the Day

Comments

1

Personally... i think 32 is definitely too far gone. At that age, I suggest finding a work partner, like Siskel and Ebert, to complete yourself.

2

When you're over 30 life really is over. I'd suggest buying several cats, stop cleaning your house and stop any type of maintenance on the outside. It's a well known fact that if you aren't sexually and emotionally tied to a person by the moment the clock strikes your 30th year all you have left to look forward to is the cold embrace of the grave.

3

Personally... i think 32 is definitely not nearly old enough to have explored the world enough to have found a truely compatible life-long partner.

Part of why the divorce rate is so high is because our society teaches - brainwashes - us into believeing that we should be married-with-kids by a relatively young age.

It's called 'settling down' for a reason. People settle for the lowest-common-denominator relationship, and then life goes downhill from there.

4

OK, I see that comments #1 and #2 decided to go with snark. Here's my effort at not-snark: Dan may be right, that you're doing what's normal for you, and our society is effed up in its restrictive expectations. But if you really want to feel comfortable with the notion that continuing as you have been carrying on is A-OK, go see a therapist/shrink/counselor (whatever you want to call them) and talk about Things. Who knows, maybe you've got An Issue that you will want to resolve, with their help.

5

I can... find someone to fuck easily.

(sigh)

6

The writer should just relax...I'm visiting him quite soon. And he won't even need to "get it up" when I arrive.

7

How about letter writer tries to date or have an honest to goodness courtship with someone before fucking them? Hold off on the whole sex thing and get to know someone romantically BEFORE friend zoning them with sex. Worth a shot I am thinking.

8

@LW: Never mind your sibs, friends, or anybody else. Do YOU want kids? If so, why?
Just because everybody else around you is having children doesn't automatically mean you should, too, especially if you have any doubts about actual parenthood.

9

Exactly what I was thinking @7.

While Dan's inspirational "you're not broken, perhaps this is just how you work," was nice and a good thing to say, I think additional space should have been given to what LW sees as his "problem." He may not want to accept that that's just how he works and wants to try something different.

Try to develop romantic feelings /before/ you have sex and see how that works. Don't date with the goal to fuck, but with the goal of finding someone.

@8, I didn't think he was necessarily commenting about wanting kids, but had the impression he was using the whole package -- relationship, marriage, kids -- as an example of how everyone around him is settling into their partnered lives and he's not.

10

@LW uhhh... the one thing you didn't mention in your letter was values and character. We can be very close friends and sexual partners who have wildly different values and character from us. People who just see the world differently than we do. Now, it may be as Dan says, that your sexuality simply works that way and if marriage appeals to you or perhaps you should look for a companion it partner. But if there is a deeper level of partnership that you seek perhaps you should review your partners through the lens of character and values and see whether or not they line up with you. Maybe you need to develop an understanding of what your character and values are first. If your prior partners don't match up with your character and values perhaps a new search for someone who lines up with not just your sexuality but your character and values might Shake something loose for you.

11

Very philosophical answer, Dan. I would agree with @7, practically speaking maybe don’t fuck/torture anyone you think may be potential long term partner until you get to know them as a human. Then go slow sexually and be on guard for any Madonna/whore feelings.

12

BTDT. For about 10 years I was a handsome stud living in Seattle seemingly unable to make my romantic relationships turn into a permanent long term thing. I thought I had intimacy problems, attachment issues, etc. But I realized I was having a blast. Over 1000 men, exponential positive attention, travel, great health, “ every night a party will the fun never end,” FUN FUN FUN! Then I met a guy... We have been together 10 years and I still wake up thrilled to see him next to me. Don’t worry about your life now, especially because you are comparing yourself to so many other people’s lives. Look at your own life. If you are happy, then LIVE. HAVE THE LIFE THAT MAKES YOU FEEL SANE AND HAPPY. Whether or not it changes one day, as it did with me, you will look back on a full life and be happy with your past.

13

I think about the line in that Rilo Kiley song: talking leads to touching, touching leads to sex, and then there's no mystery left. Maybe the LW needs more mystery and shouldn't get to sex so fast, maybe the the LW is dealing with some virgin/whore junk and shifts the person out of a partner category once they've left the virgin category, or maybe Dan is right about being wired in a different way.

People change all the time but I think in general they are who they are so maybe you need a friend who you care about a lot, move in together, have some kids if you want them but know that both of you will continue to see other people.

14

Given the number of divorces and the number of people who write to advice columns (or complain to their friends) about sex dissipating completely in long term relationships or after marriage (especially after kids) and the amoubt of cheating, I'm not sure AA is all that unusual. It seems to me that quite a lot of people marry because they want a particular lifestyle (shared income/assets and/or kids) and prioritize that above lasting sexual interest/compatibility. AA's.only divergence from the norm may be a greater degree of self awareness or thinking that a cultural ideal is more realistic than most do.

15

LW, as a woman who has been married and had children, I don’t like to burst your bubbles or anything.. it’s a slog and if I was young now, I’d step away from that scenario. The world is like close to being not a pleasant place to be ever, thanks to greedy stupid humans, so why bring others here.
No, you’re not broken, you’ve stopped before jumping on the treadmill.

16

so much for the deep self exploration and drilling into the interests that many of us free spirits start to find that our leanings towards casual but good, or intimate but open relationships can change with age. i have no idea what this guy's REALLY got going on, BUT dan, you sound like you're talking about you and terry (not that such is a bad thing,...but you can do better than that)

17

My My, so many new voices. It’s a serious question.
And yes, 32yrs old when one is way older, seems so young. It’s peak breeding time however, hence the mind follows. Sperm at an optimum, and they want some real work to do.
I’m confused about your sexual story LW, and as someone above said, relax already. Who knows who you will bump into. And what configuration of romance/ sex / life could evolve. As Dan says, one model does not fit all, so create your own model using your truth not other’s expectations.

18

I'm confused. The LW wants a long-term romantic partnership and can't find it at all, or can but it's separate from sex?

I thought it was the former and said, Dan you didn't answer that at all, he isn't aromantic and he doesn't want to accept that. Buuut then noticed the letter closed with exactly "Should I just accept that for me, sexual partners and domestic/romantic partners will always be separate?"

LW, when you say "not able to find a long term significant other", do you mean you have them but the sex dies? In that case then yeah maybe try on being okay with that. Or you can't find it at all? Then @7 is a good shot but you might need to fill out the picture of what kind of not-working you've got.

19

@7 Chrysla: Good, sound minded response to AA. Well said.
@9 nightscrawl: I agree that Chysla's (@7) response to AA is spot on. Upon reading AA's letter, however, I got the impression the LW felt that at age 32 he suddenly had to run out, get married, and have kids (the old 'biological clock ticking' speech?) because everyone else around him already did. Like he was pressured to do something maybe he didn't really want to do. I had marriage and children pushed hard on me after my divorce at age 39 by an old male college friend whose highly conservative family and clergymen considered him a pitiably shameful failure all for being unmarried, childless, and not a GRANDfather by age 40. Thankfully I said NO, and that was that.

20

Dan, and many others have offered AA some great support and advice. And AA, you should not in any way feel lesser than your betrothed and breeding friends and family, all of that no-strings-attached, kinky sex you've had/are having makes you happy, right? As do the ladies who give you a cuddle when you want/need one? Be grateful and thankful to them! Coming into your thirties might feel like it's an important time to make milestone decisions, but so long as you are financially secure, and seemingly surrounded by friends trying to be closer to you, why second guess what makes you happy? If this is what makes you happy! But part of me thinks you might benefit from being on the wanting end of a relationship for a bit, so maybe you should attempt dating/hooking up with guys you see as above your bear/built/dom/top grade. It's worth a shot.

21

antiserumite @20, the LW shares more than cuddles with women. He shares their beds.

22

Whoops, it was death @6, that told the LW to relax.
Is this some existential crisis LW, because what you want you get with a snap of your fingers. Yet nobody touches you, touches your heart. Then do what others suggested above, get to know people first, go on dates, fall in love.

23

AA the evolution of your relationships from hot sex partner to friendship is a bit unclear, particularly the amount of time during which you engage sexually with someone, but it sounded like you are one and done with sex partners, and in any event, I think having a stark transition between people with whom you want to be sexual to those for whom you only have non-sexual feelings would be concerning if I had that psychological make up which always played out the same. I wouldn’t be so satisfied with the answer that is just how you are wired, and I think that is something worth discussing with a psychologist.

24

Like Chrysla, Nightscrawl, and Hanasaam @ 7, 9, & 11, I was thinking that AA might try reversing the order in his approach. Instead of sex first that leads to friendship when he hopes for long term sexual partner relationship, try courtship and friendship first to see if that leads to the sort of relationship AA wants. Note that when I've given much the same advice to women, it hasn't been received well by the commentariat. Smacks too much of a 1950s dating handbook for teenage girls who put out too fast and now no nice boy respects them.

But this letter confuses me. I'm not getting the full picture. When AA friendzones his sexual partners in his head, do they remain friends? If so, he should have a full life right now with a wonderful active social group filled with so many friends he's never lonely. Finding the companionate marriage might be a snap. He'd have to approach those friends with his idea for an open companionate marriage until he found one who would go for it. They'd be everything to each other except sexual partners. For sex, they'd go elsewhere.

Except it's not clear that's what AA has going on. I think he may be communicating that he friendzones his sexual partners and doesn't see them again. If that's it, then the first advice is to make real friends with the ex-sexual partners.

25

Ditching your sex-partners is a CHOICE you are making, not some kind of mandatory law. You need to explore your inner workings with a good therapist and see if you can uncover the deep-seated reason(s) behind these choices. Then maybe you can get to a place of acceptance rather than rejection. People CAN change if they are motivated enough.

26

...or maybe not. There is a chance that this is just how you are wired. That same therapist could help you "accept the things you cannot change".

27

...Also, I'm wondering if someone with a long history of dysfunctional relationships and a predilection to torture people is really the best candidate to be a parent. Address your issue before you reproduce!

28

Since you want "a long-term partner", if by that you mean a 'romantic partner', I'll ask:
Has attraction been about conquest for you?

29

I found the sentence " I have friends that I used to fuck regularly, that now it's a chore to get it up for. " interesting, as it implies he used to be able to fuck the same person a lot more than once. So I wondered what changed, why and when?
I think talking to a psychotherapist about this might be useful, especially as he seems to have a longing for something that he cannot allow himself to have.

30

And by 'something' I mean a relationship based on deep and enduring love, intimacy and connection, more than what can be achieved with ex-hookup friends, and not necessarily the white picket fence fantasy.

31

Probably some people will think he's ok how he is, b/c if his current lifestyle is working for him on some level then leave well enough alone, right? It's his life, let him make his own choices, etc. However, I think that there is something wrong with this picture, because LW is compartmentalizing these women. Almost a Madonna/Whore complex, except for him it's something like a madonna/friendzone-whore thing. If he's not ready for a long-term relationship, hopefully he is at least being honest with himself and the women he dates that he's only in it for casual sex. It sucks to be a woman being manipulated by a guy like that.

A male coworker and I were talking about how so many guys prefer to play the field and lead women on (although some women do this too, men are typically much more aggressive). He was saying that before he got married that was his lifestyle and he treated women very poorly, because he had his own heart broken and was emotionally shut down. Then, when he finally met "the one" who became his wife, all of that changed instantly for him and he settled down.

My take on it is this. It doesn't usually work like that. A man (or woman) who is shutdown and emotionally vacant doesn't just one day wake up and meet a woman with a magic pussy (or dick) that opens him up to the possibility of a real relationship with strings attached. The way it happens in reality is that you have to be emotionally prepared to meet "the one (.75)", before you actually meet that person. Emotional growth has to happen to get beyond casual sex. Conquests should eventually become repetitive, boring and unsatisfying- so when the LW matures to the point where he is ready for something real (sounds like he already is searching for something more but not sure exactly what that would be), only then will he be able to access a full range of emotions including love for someone other than himself.

32

I think the majority of responses here are still directing this guy to do something different with his life and approach to sex to find a possible romantic relationship based upon the belief: a relationship is better than what he is doing in this moment at his young age. The point to Dan's response is, he is fine.
Many people, myself included are happy to be unattached and sexual in a way that works for them. It is far better than the partnered situations I have ever been in in the past. He is just questioning himself based upon the overwhelming partnered culture that is promoted at large. Partnered people even get a tax brake for being all family oriented single people don't. It is considered, by most the norm.
Personally I like my freedom as a single person. If that changes for any reason that is clearly understood by me then that is ok too but it ain't gona change from feeling inadequate or pressured to be partnered so that I fit in to a partnered culture.
A A will get every well meaning bit of advice from people, most of which shows how the advice givers are uncomfortable with his singleness. Stuff like "you need to approach people in a romantic way first instead of a sexual way". Like he has never thought or tried that and it is going to be a revelation to hear that said to him. He is in his 30's not a teenager experimenting. This is just about accepting himself, not needing other strategies so he is eventually partnered.

So AA is already outside the box he just, as Dan is suggesting, accept himself as being ok. Then he will evolve from his young age into an older man with confidence and grace and that might mean he is perfectly comfortable being single.

33

LW, ask yourself, are you happy with your life? And think of that question outside of any comparison to what others are doing or what you think you should be doing. If the answer is yes, follow Dan't advice. If the answer is no, then look here in the comments for approaches to change.

34

He may not have tried it -B- @32, I read that he fucks and plays with people and doesn’t go meet/ talk/ dinner/ more talk.. old fashioned as it may be meeting someone and getting to know them before sex or play occurs.
The LW sounds lonely to me, like he’s not enjoying his life.

35

I like what @12 said. I would say simply to be open to a relationship. Looking for one can get in the way of finding one.
As Dan has said many times, every relationship dies—until one doesn't. Also, Dan's husband is the one-night stand who didn't leave.

36

@32 That's not how I approached my response to him at all. I am also single and have no desire to be married or reproduce. I certainly have no judgement about other people that don't (or those that do).

I offered my suggestion because I don't think he seems happy. Many of the commenters here are reading that he's enjoying his sex-filled partner-free life, but that's not how /I/ read it.

Agreed @33, 34.

37

Bad news, AA, you're completely broken. How is bourgeois capitalist society supposed to flourish and grow if people prioritise the immediate pleasure of sex over deferred "pleasures" - settling down, popping out a couple of spogs, taking out the biggest mortgage you can manage and spending the rest of your life a soulless corporate husk? By 32, the only flicker of pleasure you should feel is when you break into the kids' college fund to buy whatever shiny trinket Apple promises will fill the aching void where hope used to live

But look, not all is lost. You might accidentally knock-up one of the amazing women/future friends who allow you to share their bed. You'll get married because everyone expects you to, and then you'll get to have awful sex with a friend (and don't start with that 'open marriage' nonsense - if you're going to get the house paid off and the kids' through grad school, you don't have time to have an open marriage).

And if that doesn't work, keep in mind that however much sex you're getting now, no-one's going to want to have a wild fling with you when you're 50 (least of all your lower back), so if you still haven't coupled up by your late forties, just grab the most desperate of your recent conquests. Sure, you'll be miserable, but on the bright side, you'll be dead soon enough anyway.

38

@6 hahahahahahahahahha! thank you for that! that was great.

dear LW, you're fine. More people should find themselves in your "predicament" than what is more typical: too young, married, and pregnant.

39

@12 I could tell a similar story of my time on Sydney's gay scene, although probably less superlative (after only seven years, I'm rarely thrilled to wake up next to my man, although I will stretch to 'pleased') and I was never described as a handsome 'stud'. I doubt gay culture in America is that different to Australia, so I would suggest the four letter 's' word you are looking for is 'slut'. The more men use and own sluttishness, the less it will be held over women as though enjoying sex (women only) is a grave moral failing.

40

To make it perfectly clear, I was a handsome slut living in Sydney, thousands of men, usually having a good time etc.

41

AA, you may try consoling yourself with the fact that you will not be among the half of your friends who are divorced by 50. If/when you meet someone you want to settle down with, settle down with them. Until then, follow your heart -- if your heart is saying "meh," listen!

42

Pretty questionable advice from Dan. He seems to have gotten way too into the you are fine, everything is fine, how dare anyone think that what has worked for thousands of years might be a good idea. the guy is obviously not happy. He is not complaining about being happy but others telling him he shouldn't be.

I think his problem may be expectations and too much casual sex. The expectation problem is this. he thinks if he has sex, it means he should be interested in a relationship. If he said he went on many dates and they all turned into friendships, we would say great, you are a good guy. Keep looking for the one you want a romantic relationship with. But since he had sex with them, he thinks the potential for a relationship should be there. Why should it. She did not sleep with you because you had a deep romantic connection. That is the way it used to work for alot of people. Nothing wrong with casual sex, but there is no presumption that this is a likely good romantic partner.

Finding a romantic partner you are into romantically and sexually is hard. Try just going on dates, with no expectation but to explore the possibility of romantic relationship. if you think it will help, specifically hold off on sex for at least a few dates. But mainly, go out with the old fashioned, traditional boring old intent of finding someone to have a relationship with. Of course you should be sexually attracted to them too. Might be best to not have sex with anyone else at the same time. That muddies the water.

Just try that for a bit and see how it goes.

And take it from a guy who is now 50 who spent years very into a certain hobby partner dancing, then 15 years having a lot of sex from craigslist. Both lots of fun, but what do I have in the end? Did have a few relationships from it, but I wish I had spent the last 25 years dating and looking for a potential partner to marry and have a family with. Maybe not too late for me, but not exactly looking great.

43

@32. b. I very much agree with your sense that 'he's fine', and think you and Dan have it right: why force the non-normative to be normative?

AA seems to think, at 32, that he should find a long-term sexual partner to raise children with. First, why does he want a kid? Does he really want it? He's not just comparing himself with sibs? Let's say he does... It’s a longer-term commitment, outside of his family bonds, than anything he's taken on in his relationships. Then ... a second question, and the really important one: why does he suppose he has to co-parent with a lover? (The sense I had was that AA was thinking about staying with a lover long-term so that he could have a child). AA's belief that a couple norm is mandatory for parents isn't really explored in the letter.

44

@42 rpsf
"the guy is obviously not happy. He is not complaining about being happy but others telling him he shouldn't be."

I agree. AA said:

"...I can't find...a long-term partner...The PROBLEM...is that after...my brain stops seeing them as sexual and moves them into a friend category...the sex...feels good, but it's not passionate..."

Maybe those saying AA can't have the LTR and passion he says he wants are right that those shouldn't be his goals...but (as I tried to quickly hint at @28, and as others more substantively offered guidance towards) maybe he can, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I hear that many are happy without what AA already has, but not AA, so I applaud AA for "spending a lot of time lately thinking about myself and my sexuality and my romantic self". It's quite possible that he can grow (?overcome issues?) to get to where /he/ wants to, perhaps with the help of a good sex-positive therapist.

45

@7 @9 @19 @24 What you're saying to LW is "do what you know doesn't work for you, because that is what should work for you, since it would work for me". No, not everyone is wired that way. You would not be able to live his life, would you? No, you'd end up in a long term romantic and sexual relationship if you were lucky, or an originally romantic and sexual relationship that eventually lost both of those things but which you accepted as the cost of monogamy and stability.

What LW is saying is that the sexual interest he has in anyone is short-lived, so far. No matter who they are. So a rom-com marriage with someone he loves and a good monogamous sex life for the next 40 years does not look possible to him.

Dan's advice that one option is having a marriage for companionship with someone else wired the same way, where both spouses are free to have sex as they please with other people, is absolutely solid. I've known several gay couples like that who had very successful relationships, some of whom lived long enough to get married, too. One such couple was happily together for 34 years until one of the two died, another for around 30 until one of the two died. I'm not sure if that would work as well for opposite sex couples, but that's another story.

@42 What you say has "worked for thousands of years" is actually pretty recent - Western marriage etc etc as we know it is not the same as marriage in lots of other cultures today and had very different expectations and functions in European cultures until the last hundred years or so. The "it's worked as it is for thousands of years" story was promoted by right-wing bigots to try to squelch same-sex marriage.

46

@45 - "@7 @9 @19 @24 What you're saying to LW is 'do what you know doesn't work for you, because that is what should work for you, since it would work for me.' "

No, that's not what I'm saying. That's also not what he's doing. He's having a lot of casual sex. He's /not/ going out on dates and trying to build a connection. According to his description, he hasn't tried doing what we suggested. He doesn't even know if that will or won't work for him because that's not what he's doing (according to his description).

And again: I am also single and have no desire to be married or reproduce. I certainly have no judgement about other people that don't (or those that do).

I offered my suggestion because I don't think he seems happy. Many of the commenters here are reading that he's enjoying his sex-filled partner-free life, but that's not how /I/ read it.

To all of you people who are so against him trying something different: what is the harm with trying something different? Why are so many of you against him at least trying to see if that (building a connection before launching into sex) would work?

If he's /truly happy/ as he currently is, then sure, keep going on. I agree with Dan that, IF he is enjoying himself, the lives of those around him shouldn't make him feel "broken." If he's not, why not try something different?

47

@46 nightscrawl: WHOAaaaaaa! Please read my comment @19 again. I read AA's letter as a man who felt he was broken because he WASN'T married with children. I'm not recommending that here at all. Remaining single after one divorce and childless has proven to be among my wisest of life choices.

48

RPSF @42: I disagree that he's obviously not happy; I think you're projecting. He doesn't sound either "happy" or "unhappy"; he's getting his needs met, but he misses having lasting passion with the same person. I would say he sounds content but confused, and it does read to me as if he's dissatisfied because he's not getting something he believes he should want, not because he's not getting something he does want.

There's also no evidence here that he wants kids. He's comparing himself to peers who are "getting married and having kids" but his complaint is that he "can't find a long-term partner." I think he is just feeling judged, and judging himself, for not meeting arbitrary social timelines. He just needs to remind himself, and any nosey parkers who are asking him why HE'S not married yet, that it's better to be 32 (which is indeed still young) and single than 32 an in an unhappy relationship. If one isn't even keen to settle down, there's no reason to settle for.

49

@48 BiDanFan
"...I think you're projecting..."

I think the letter doesn't give us enough to go on to avoid projecting. As such fortunately there are a variety of takes in the comments, and fortunately since the LW knows which projecting is more appropriate, some of the comments will help the LW a lot. (Which ones, I don't think we have any idea.)

50

I think the question is - does AA want a long-term domestic partner? It sounds like he's wired for novelty and variety in sexual partners. Nothing wrong with that as long as he's honest with his partners that it's unlikely to be more than a hot, short-term fling. I think Dan's advice is solid to try to find a companionate (possibly sexless) domestic partnership to raise kids -- if that is indeed what AA wants -- and both partners get to have as much sex as they want with other people. There's no more necessity for your life partner / spouse to be your sex partner than for them to be, say, your running partner or your shopping buddy. There's no reason why sex can't be viewed like any other recreational activity rather than a compulsory spousal bond.

51

@46. nightscrawl. I think ECarpenter is right in his characterization of the responses he picks out. I don't take the letter as asking, 'how can I maintain the spark with someone after I've had sex with them?'. It starts many steps back from that; describes a pattern of dating that isn't, in itself, obviously unsatisfactory to the LW; then, in effect, asks, 'am I normal? Will I always be alone?'.

How could it be that the advice, 'start slowly. Build up a basis of compatibility, shared interests, shared experience, before fucking someone?' hasn't occurred to AA? He must know that's how people interested in starting a family (often) get to know each other. It’s established by now that he has no difficulty finding sexual partners. Why is he fucking, then letting drift, if his aim is fatherhood and family life? Presumably because he has to--and then solutions like ECarpenter's and Dan's come into play.

52

Strange @50: "There's no reason why sex can't be viewed like any other recreational activity rather than a compulsory spousal bond."
Aside from that inconvenient oxytocin that sometimes causes people to fall in love after particularly passionate sex...

53

A man who writes “am I broken,” is not a man who is enjoying his life. A man who can easily find others to fuck or tie up and torture is not going on dates and talking and dinner.. putting off sex/ play until some intimacy is achieved.
He used the words, Am I Broken.. because he is lonely and doesn’t connect deeply and emotionally with his partners.

54

@48 BiDanFan: Agreed and spot on. I commented similarly in @19. It blows my mind how our [U.S.] society so adamantly pushes single people to marry and have pickup truckloads of kids as if everybody should be doing it.

55

@52 bidanfan, that is true of many people, but not all. Falling too easily in love after sex does not appear to be the LW's problem.

56

As I understand it, the idea that one's spouse should be one's primary sex / love relationship is a relatively new invention. For most of human history, marriage was for property inheritance and babies. Affairs were for love, sex, and romance. As many married people can attest, expecting to have passionate sex with your spouse forever is not realistic for everyone. Who's to say we have yet arrived at the best formula for marital bliss? Who's to say there's one formula that works for everyone? (Pretty sure most Savage Love commenters don't think that there is one, though most Savage Love commenters place a high priority on sex as a relationship factor).

57

If it helps at all; those siblings that are married with kids don't have any friends. They probably have people they get together with once in a while that they consider friends, but I'm guessing (hoping) you've got much stronger relationships with people outside your family than most of them.

58

Second what Dan said in the P.S. If you want a family and kids, find a partner who will be a highly compatable domestic partner (similar living habits, values around money, etc) and co-parent, make a few kids together (the old fashioned way, or the new-fangled turkey-baster way if you want) and keep your sex life and your family life separate. Honestly, there's data to support the idea that it's healthy and beneficial to children if their parents aren't sexually involved. It's much harder to "break up" if you're not really together in a romantic sense. Date other people, enjoy each other's company and raise healthy, well-adjusted children. See the movie "Friends with Kids" then ignore the super cliched ending.

59

Strange @55: Hence the word "sometimes."

60

@46 LW says that often a sexual relationship that started as a hook up has turned into a friendship - and he loses the sexual pleasure he once had with that person, while very much enjoying the friendship.

It's clear from what he wrote that he doesn't just fuck them and forget them, he forms relationships - but that for him sex is not compatible with friendship and affection. They don't, so far, mix.

I don't see how you can say that he should date and get to know someone before having sex with them, when he has been very clear that once he gets to know someone, he no longer wants to have sex with them. You're letting the way your own mind works get in the way of understanding how his works. He is different from you. What works for you does not, according to him, work for him.

61

@48 @60 I think you have good reads here. He comes across to me as sexually interested in novelty and struggling to maintain sexual interest in someone he's emotionally invested in. That doesn't fit what he thinks he's supposed to want, so he doesn't know if it's an okay way to feel or if it means something is wrong with him. I don't get a vibe of him being particularly happy or in, content may be the best word there.

That's not a guarantee of being issue-free, but trying to fix the wrong problem isn't going to help, either.


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