Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: He's 32 and single and has no kids—is he broken? A letter writer makes me look up "limerence." A straight boy wonders how common his ex-girlfriend's kink might be. And pantie bliss (for him) is pantie hell (for her). And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
First, on (my lack of) ranting:
I’ve been a huge fan of yours from reading a smutty column in the back of the Village Voice. I still have my ITMFA swag from Bush days. You were my gateway to podcasts. You’re right that we listen for the smut, but I really like your rants at the start of the Lovecast. I find them invigorating, and helpful for helping me grow as an ally for all causes. I have happily listened to every coming out story, and the advice you give LGBTQ people about how to survive their families. I was with you in Spreading Santorum and fighting for marriage equality. You devote time to women’s rights and freedom all the time, for which I am grateful. I listen for additional perspective on Black Lives Matter, and the plight of immigrants. I listen as an outsider, as an ally.
I’m a Jew. My grandparents were Holocaust survivors. I have relatives in Squirrel Hill. (They’re safe. Different shul.) But I’m in a state of shock and grief. Today I woke up hoping that on the way into work I would gain some comfort by hearing you rant on behalf of my people. Jews were attacked, while in a synagogue, by an Anti-Semite white supremacist who said he wanted to kill all the Jews. And there was no rant. You mentioned it, of course. And you said you were pained, and I appreciate that. But this is a big deal, and I am frightened for my life in this country.
I’m sure you’ve seen reporting about how the keywords are being omitted from some reports about the shooting. Columbia University, in its initial statement, described a horrible attack akin to what happened in the Pulse nightclub. They said LGBTQ but they didn’t say Jews or Anti-Semites. We live in a country where they’re inviting Christians to pretend they’re rabbis to pray over these murders, Dan. But we also live in a country where liberals are excluding American Jews from Pride marches over their issues with Israeli politics. This is a kind of Jewish erasure and it feels complicit with the goals of the alt-right.
Look, Dan, you don’t owe anyone anything. I choose to be a subscriber because your work brings something into my life, and it’s political as well as dirty. But I was really hoping to hear an angry, passionate rant, on my behalf, from my ally with the podcast, the audience, the platform. And if you are so devastated that you need time to mourn, instead of rage, a few more words would have let everyone know that you’re with us in grief, instead of overwhelmed by the overall state of the country.
I'm sorry I let you down—really, I am. I record the opening of the podcast on Monday mornings and I was just so overwhelmed by the horror and tragedy of the anti-Semitic attack on the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh that I couldn't gather my thoughts. I drafted two openings for that show—one about the Nazis marching in Skokie, Illinois, when I was a child, and another about my mother trying to explain to me why the old woman at the bakery near our house had a number tattooed on her arm (I was five years old at the time)—but neither worked because I was reeling. My heart goes out to you in your sorrow and I'm sorry that I contributed to your pain.
On last week's Savage Lovecast:
I’m writing to point out an important part of the call which was that even though she arranged dates she was upset because her ‘ex-boyfriend’ never did and his excuse to this was ADHD and she wanted to know if this was a legitimate excuse or not. It isn’t. He just isn’t into her and doesn’t want to put in the effort. I know he lying because I have this condition, have dated a guy with this condition and have numerous friends all in relationships who are ADHD. He does have a point that it is difficult to remember things and getting easily distracted is a very real part of this condition.
But that doesn’t mean we are incapable of dating and putting effort into our relationships. I have had this all my life and was diagnosed at age 9 and to hear that he is blaming his condition on this upsets me. I have to fight daily with the stigma that everyone with this is lazy and incapable of anything because we are seen as distracted and overly energetic. It might effect him in this way but if you really love or like someone there are ways to overcome this. Some things I do include setting reminders if I make an arrangement with someone so I can’t forget and to arrange things with my partner while I’m thinking about it and not putting it off because I know I will not be able to remember.
I hope this can help her. I feel bad that the guy blames his condition instead of being honest but I guess he doesn’t want to make it too awkward because they live so close.
A caller on Episode 626 had a boyfriend who used ADD/ADHD as the excuse for never asking her on a date; the caller wanted to know if that was “a thing,” as she had never heard of it before.
The short answer is YES, that’s a thing. Many people with ADHD have poor planning skills which impact their social lives. My daughter struggles with this. However, as with all “executive function” side effects of ADHD, it is encumbent on the person to learn compensating strategies for their deficits. ADHD is the context of their life, not an excuse for bad behavior.
For the one-penis-policy dude:
Two weeks ago you gave some advice to a guy who’d told his bi wife she could fuck women but not men. In the polyamory world, that’s often called the ‘One Penis Policy’, and it’s misogynist, and homophobic. It’s misogynist because it devalues the importance of the other woman in the relationship (“Oh my wife will never leave me for a woman, she won’t have a deep intimate connection with a woman, etc”), and it’s homophobic because it devalues woman-woman relationships as not being ‘real’ in the way that the typical husband-wife couple is.
It can also be a mad combo of homophobia and misogyny by fetishising the wife’s relationship (“oh its hot my wife bangs chicks!”) which frames the relationship as something for the man’s pleasure/kicks not as what it is, which is a separate relationship for the people involved.
And it’s also transphobic, because not all men have penises and some women do have penises.
I got no beef at all with monogamous people, mono is awesome if they’re happy and healthy, but your letter writer needs to think about why exactly he sees threat in cocks in his wife but not strap-ons, because that intimacy reason is bullshit. He’s probably unaware of the roots of his OPP - I’m not saying he’s a monster lol, hopefully after some introspection he’ll be “Oh yeah! Oops my bad!” and grow :)
Keep up the good work, Dan!
For AA, AKA 32 and single:
It's quite possible that AA is aromantic, which, although not as well known as asexuality, is beginning to be more and more recognized. While AA is apparently not asexual judging by his letter, he could still look up the asexuality.org pages and forums. A few are on the topic of aromanticism and he may find out that he is not so alone after all.
Regarding that straight boy who wanted to know how popular P2M is with the ladies:
My current lover and I are equal opportunity oral partners. Our typical hour of sex includes fellatio, cunnilingus, rimming, fucking, 69 and anal sex for both. We freely move from hole to hole except after anal penetration. We wash after all anal penetration. We sometimes wash up 2-3 times before we are done. Neither of us has a problem with menstrual blood. We don't indulge in water sports but we do get wet when she squirts. We get lost in sexual pleasure wherever it leads. I know we are unusual but bodily fluids are erotic not dirty/nasty. Thanks for using your public pulpit to encourage open communication and pleasure wherever it may lead.
And about something I said that other podcast—Blabbermouth—where I talk/argue/shout politics with Eli Sanders and Rich Smith...
I listened to yesterday’s Blabbermouth on my way to work this morning. Your Paul Ryan rant was hilarious. You express exactly what I feel but cannot say out loud because (1) I certainly can’t do it at work and (B) my friends are tired of hearing me rant about the fucking orange cheeto and all his minions. So thanks for making me laugh out loud on my way to work. Let’s go Democrats!!!
My Paul Ryan rant is here... and the best 2018 Halloween costume is here: