I have an odd fetish/fantasy thing that I haven't found online. Or maybe it's unhealthy and I need a diagnosis.

I'm 34 and gay. I love being gay and I don't have issues about secretly wanting to be straight and accepted by the world or by a religion. But here's my thing: I love getting handjobs at massage parlors from women that I'm not physically attracted to. I'd gone in the past just to try it out and couldn't cum, which was frustrating and a waste of money. So now I practice edging before I go. I'll masturbate — to gay porn almost always — and get very close to orgasm, then stop and go do something else. I'll do that again in 20 minutes and then maybe a third time. Then I go to the massage parlor, and my body is so absolutely desperate to cum that I think literally anyone could make me cum, without a lot of work.

I know, this is very weird. What I enjoy is the state of near-desperation (the physical sensation of it), where I feel like a teenager again and I've never been touched. The masseuse will just put her hands on my back and I'll get an instant erection. Then by the time it's time to turn over, I'm so amped up that the massage women are always amused, like, gee, this kid has never had anybody touch him and he is goddamn EXCITED. And then the handjob is just an ecstatic physical experience, and it doesn't take long to make me cum and I shoot past my own head and the massage women always have a big smile for me.

One person I talked to about this (anonymously online) said it's maybe because I enjoy being humiliated, but I definitely am not into humiliation of any kind. But there's an erotic element to this of doing something wrong, in that I'm out and proud and everyone who knows me knows it and loves it, yet here I'm secretly getting handjobs from women with big breasts, which are a huge turn-off for me. And not only am I getting handjobs, I'm fucking desperately needing them and loving them.

What is this called?

Never Been Touched

P.S. Physiologically, is there any danger to edging regularly? Once a week or so?

You nailed it in your second-to-last paragraph, NBT: "...there's an erotic element to this of doing something wrong."

Exactly right, NBT, well done. You really didn't need my help to work this out. But if you're looking for a label, NBT, if you need something to call it, I can offer you this: "transgressive."

To transgress against societal expectations, sexual taboos, our individual self-conception and, most importantly, our individual self-presentation can be powerfully erotic. Think of that hoary ol' standby, the powerful cis white male CEO who goes to see a professional Dominatrix once a week to be degraded, bound, and penetrated — seemingly stripped of all his power. (I say "seemingly" because temporarily surrendering your power to someone who works for you — and works from your script — is itself an expression of power.)

When expressed in a healthy way — sexual transgressions performed with (or in front of) consenting adult partners — transgressing against the self is good for us. Flipping our erotic and/or social scripts, briefly becoming the opposite of who we are (or are supposed to be), all of that can make us feel more wholly and completely and comfortably ourselves when we revert to form/norm. (This obviously doesn't apply when the transgression is manifestation a true-but-suppressed self. Think of that other cliché-for-a-reason cliché: the rabidly homophobic preacher who gets caught with a male escort's dick in his mouth. If your authentic self only emerges when you transgress... yeah, that's not healthy and you're a mess, dude.)

Seems to me that cliché-for-a-reason "submissive" cis white male CEO is transgressing against his self-conception and self-presentation in kindasorta the same way you are, NBT, although your transgression is at once smaller and larger.

Smaller in its simplicity, larger in its implications.

You say everyone knows you're gay and you're not ashamed to be gay; indeed, you love being gay. But I bet you weren't always so comfortable with your sexuality, NBT, or so in love with your gayness. There was a time in your life — a time that probably coincided with your teenage years — when your orgasms came bundled with feelings of shame and disgust. You would blow that load way, way back when you were a closeted gay boy, NBT, and after it shot past your own head you would lay there thinking, "that was sooooo wrong."

Well, it looks like your erotic imagination — your inscrutable, arbitrary, tyrannical erotic imagination (same as mine, same as everyone's) — found a way to bring that heady, mixed-up, shame-and-come-soaked OMG-that-was-so-wrong feeling back into your life, NBT, in the form of handjobs from massage women with big boobs. You also had a big secret back then — you were gay but not out yet — and now you have a new secret: you're a big homo who enjoys this crazy thing no one would expect a homo to enjoy.

My advice: enjoy your harmlessly transgressive kink.

P.S. Nope.

P.P.S. The massage women who always have a big smile for you? I hope you always have a big tip for them. (Particularly if they're cleaning your come off walls, floors, and ceilings after you leave.) And I hope you're patronizing owner-operated massage parlors and/or independent erotic body workers — in other words, NBT, I hope you've taken steps to ensure that the women providing you with this service are doing so of their own free will.