Unsolicited compliments to a woman's beauty is the clear path into her underwear.

Isn't this what Jordan Peterson says?

Gym, frequent showers, deodorant and read Jordan Peterson? No, that doesn't work.

I wish I'd had this advice when I was a young guy. I'd throw in a few more nuggets too:

Don't treat a girl badly. They talk to one another - a lot - and you will get blacklisted and blueballed. In fact, do your utmost to treat girls very, very well. While you're at it, treat the other guys well too.
Don't take things too seriously. You're not going to marry your first (or second, or third) girlfriend, or at least you ought not to. If you do, you're going to be writing to Dan in a few years looking for advice about that predicament. (Do yourself a favour, and read the archives now.)
Once you've learned to locate a clitoris, practice opening pistachio nuts with your tongue. Also learn to play the bass. It's all about precision and stamina. Trust me on this.

I'd add this: Understand why there is a #MeToo movement, and live your life with the goal never to be a story told with that hashtag. Treat your g/f or wife - and all women - with respect and the inherent right to autonomy over their own bodies. Even if you're not part of the problem via your own actions, call out any and every bastard who makes rape jokes or defends the Brett Kavanaughs of the world. Women notice the men who live their lives that way vs. the ones who make excuses or join in on the abuse. We favor one camp over the other.

The headline made me excited for a question from a Baby trying to date, and instead of an adult baby it was just common sense advice about how to be a person. Ugh.

Don't be afraid to ask her/him questions about how things feel. Communication is a good thing.

Blue balls are real. If you're super charged and she or he says no, go to the fucking bathroom and take care of yourself. You're young; you will finish fast so s/he will think you were just pissing. And there is this thing called the refractory period, which means after you cum then you can return to her/him and keep making out, dry humping, whatever without feeling like something more needs to happen.

You've got internet skills so find some Sex+ literature to help you make sense of yourself and others and start out with Sex+ porn.

Don't be a dick. You're trying to figure out what it means to be a man. Save the macho-aggressive bullshit for causes that could benefit from your intelligence (books you've been reading) and physical strength (gym membership). By extension, you'll meet some hot women and guys through these projects who are also intelligent.

And say nice things to people. Most people want dwell in anger and jealousy. Look for the good in others and you will be happier as well.

Dating advice for a young man interested in girls? Treat girls like people.
And practice good hygiene.

Anybody have dating advice for a young man interested in boys? Beyond the good hygiene, that is.

I used much of Dan's bit over the years on my sons. It seems to have taken root which is nice to see. I also added some strong advice about consent. Not only about taking no for an answer but learning to take hesitation, ambivalence or lack of enthusiasm as a no as well. I cautioned them that in the heat of a moment, they must be careful and be willing to stop whether they want to or not. I said sex is supposed to be fun and pleasurable and it won't be if any one ends up feeling violated or traumatized.

Similarly, as boys, they also have a right to say no and if they're ever with someone who doesn't respect that, that's not someone they should be with. Sexually, emotionally, financially, whatever. Coercion in any form isn't ok.

Zapotec, unsolicited comments about a woman's appearance with the intent of getting into her underwear will get you labeled the creep that you are. If you compliment /people/ on their appearance - particularly anything they have full control over, such as clothing or hairstyle choices - then you're just being nice, and nice guys don't get shut out, even if they don't necessarily get laid. But telling a woman you find some body part - whether it's eyes or ass - "beautiful" will get you a brush off and a cold shoulder, unless you're lucky enough to have picked someone who has already decided that /you/ are attractive. As general behavior, it's repulsive. You know why? Because it's sexual harassment.

Oh, low-key harassment, and if you back off when she gives you the brush off you might be able to tell yourself you did nothing wrong - but it's that low-key harassment over and over and over and over and over and over and over that is responsible for every single time any woman has bitched at a man for complimenting her, and probably better than 90% of all the times a woman has turned a man down "without giving him a chance".

Just don't.

Blue balls are not real

@12 yes, they are, and they hurt. I have a difficult time climbing and have experienced then many times. It's like a queasy pain in your balls.

Dan's advice mashed pretty hard on the gender key, I do wonder what he'd offer a boy who likes boys. I suppose the advice could be largely similar but the story he tells is different.

I support federally funded edging research to explore whether "blue balls" occur for some people and not for others, and if so whether it's an inherited trait. Collect multigenerational family data to see inheritance pattern, and to be embarrassing as heck.

I also would support NIH research on how much of a thing "death grip syndrome" is, and how much it's created the way Dan thinks.

My suspicion is that 80+% of boys jack it the same way for years, and of those 79+% have no issue. Which, hey, might still leave switching hands as cheap prevention for the <1%.

@sportlandia: The color blue, no. A steady dull pain, for sure. If you're a guy and haven't felt that pain, you're lucky.

@surfrat @16 A steady dull pain as a result of not orgasming?

@14 Mtn. Beaver: No, it's pretty much the exact same thing: focus on your own development (read, gym, activities, etc.) and your hygiene.

@17/Registered European: Is that a serious question? Yes, men can get an ache in their testicles from getting aroused, but then not orgasming. The pain come from blood flooding into small blood vessels, but not getting released, as happens post-orgasm, allowing the bloods to flow back towards the heart. This happened recently simply thinking about the sex I was going to be having later that evening.

Doesn't masturbation cure blue balls? No excuse to pester another person for sex to cure your own frustration. (Unsatisfied arousal is physically uncomfortable for people without balls, too. As Surfrat says, it's your responsibility, not theirs. Sort yourself out and continue treating them as a person and respecting their bodily autonomy.)

LOL to the "no more than ten times a day."

Acirc @11: I hope any young men reading this column will have known Zapotec @2 was either joking or is full of shit. No, no woman should be expected to repay a compliment in the form of sex, and more often than not an "unsolicited compliment" will come across as creepy -- particularly if given in the hopes of getting into someone's pants. By all means, give genuine, respectful compliments, when warranted, to people of all genders and with no expectations. That's part of "be a nice person," and yes, (most) people of all genders prefer nice people. But do not, I repeat NOT, "compliment" random women's "beauty" and expect this to endear them to you. There are no shortcuts to just being the sort of person women like. Agree 100% with Nocute: Treat women like people. And stay the hell away from PUA/incel forums!!!

If you can, young man, get with a real girl before you watch porn. And when you start watching porn, look for ethical stuff, not the sleasebag written by men for men stuff.
Don’t play video games every bloody day, do your school work, enjoy how your mind takes in information and can be fascinated by it as well.
As you move away from your mother, and she’s no longer the central person in your life, don’t forget her birthdays.

Ms Fan - I agree strongly with the conclusion. Last week, I heard an excellent analysis of why the existing incel forums aren't helping incels - the only one I've heard that didn't go the route of mocking or faked sympathy.

My thanks to Mesdames Cute and Mirea for attempting to restore some sort of balance, especially the latter for picking up on the gaping hole in this masterfully-executed piece. The only particular with which I'd quibble is joining a gym, which isn't necessary for anyone young with an active lifestyle, and where one might be too young to take up good habits and avoid the bad. It's the religious framing that he'd never be able to duplicate in advising SS boys.. If Mr Savage hadn't been a different person at the time, I'd have thought him to be the one of whom Ms Paglia was thinking when she said, "I love gay men; they're so good at worshiping women."

Yesterday afternoon I happened to hear in the car the portion of The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie during which Miss Brodie was having her set visit Mr Lowther's house at Cramond in pairs each Saturday afternoon while she cooked him large quantities of food, her catering project and her bed-fellowship comprising substitutes for the love she was giving to Mr Lloyd. This bit of advice reminds me of how Mr Lowther occasionally interrupted his tea to break into hymns at the piano, and put into mind a parody:

All boys who in the slime do dwell
Sing to Woman in praiseful voice,
Serve Her with joy, Her virtues tell
Bow down before Her and rejoice.

Everything is presented as if the attitude of boys ought to be to make themselves the most desirable gift possible to (All) women. No mention that an active and healthy body will broaden the range of activities open to them, with female company or without. No mention that acquiring an encyclopedic knowledge of, say, Miss Austen, will enrich them with a wealth of ideas, as well as useful quotations for many occasions, whether there is a woman to impress or not, and even more importantly an inkling of character discernment to start them on being able to tell a .93 from a .39, without which any advice on how to be a .93 is incomplete.

While I think Dan gives solid advice about how young men can become more interesting and attractive to young women, if there was something missing in my sexual education at that age, it was a sex positive message that it was not only normal to have sexual desires, but that it was also ok to ask young women to engage sexually without feeling as if I were doing something illicit.

"If you can, young man, get with a real girl before you watch porn."

@21, are you serious? Boys start looking at porn when they're like 11. That's way too young to start having sex.

On top of that, the whole theme of the response is advice for boys to think about getting their future selves laid. Every part of the advice is about how to turn into a desirable young man before you have sex. You have it backwards.

I assume that Zapotec is either a colossal asshat or trying to be funny by mimicking one. Either way, I don't see any reason to respond to those posts.

@18 I think the difference is the barriers and I think Dan's advice would be markedly different. For straight boys, it's their delayed development and girls being interested in older guys (broad generalization of course but true in broad strokes). For gay boys, the barriers are dealing with a smaller pool of candidates and the challenges of finding guys their age who have emerged from the closet. Gay boys often date older (again broad strokes, which is my new band name now that I've typed it twice) because older guys know what they want.

I imagine Dan's advice to gay boys would borrow some of the same hygiene and making yourself interesting aspects but also include advice about navigating the power dynamics in a May-December relationship. Also, probably significantly more of a focus on creating a close group of friends to fall back on and not creating drama (with Republican parents, homophobic grandparents) unless you have to.

@2 In the words of Sean Connery in Finding Forrester (kind of a weird movie with some strange race commentary now but still a fine movie): "Unexpected gift, unexpected time."

vennominon @23 There's no mention of how to change a tire either - because that wasn't the question asked.

DirtyGerty @25: Alas, I think you're correct about Lava's advice -- while excellent, it is 100% impracticable. Yet again I lament the lack of educational porn. Better advice would be for boys to always remember that porn -- even amateur porn -- is not the slightest bit representative of the sex they're likely to be having, particularly in the beginning. The majority of women do NOT like anal sex, violent blowjobs or facials. And even those who do, didn't when they had no experience of sex. These are varsity level sex acts and they should not even be suggested unless you're in an established, trusting relationship. Master the basics, and bear in mind that the more pleasure you give your partner, the more likely she will want to repeat the experience.

But this still misses the question, which is how young guys can convince young ladies to get sexual with them in the first place. One good tip is to be confident but not arrogant -- and confidence will indeed, or should indeed, come from being a physically fit, well-read individual with hobbies and interests, just as Dan says. And to expect rejection and learn to take it gracefully.

Nocute @26: Not sure how many teenage boys actually do read these columns and comments, but I think there's value in debunking Zapotec's idea of a joke in case any young men are reading and don't know any better.

Treat your partner (girl or boy) nice. Open doors for them. Have a decent conversation with their parents (This is a BIG one, nothing is better than getting on the good side of the parents!). Ask them what THEY want to do and let them take the lead once in a while...note; Most girls like it when you lead with confidence, just don't be bossy. Make an effort to get along with her/his friends. Be responsible and get condoms AHEAD of when the time comes that you might need them! Yes, tell them they look nice/ were great in whatever random activity they were doing/ you like being with them. Get them home on time, every time. Call if you're going to be late.

Reprint of a reprint? Did one of the TSARY watch "Inception" last night?

Regarding "blue balls": prolonged vasocongestion can be painful for anyone; "blue balls" are still partly a myth in the sense that they're not a universal phenomenon for everyone with testicles (people with testicles tend to feel pain there the most becasue of the nerve distribution and density, but it's a result of vasocongestion in the pelvic region generally), nor does painful vasocongestion affect only those with testicles, nor are they specifically a result of not having an orgasm (an orgasm can result in an end to vasocongestion in the genital area, especially for males, but not always for people of any biological gender, and it's not the only way to relieve the congestion), nor is it a woman's (or girl's) responsibility to help a man/boy who has been sexually aroused for an extended period of time orgasm. If your genitals start to ache due to being engorged with blood for a long time, masturbate to orgasm or stop doing sexually arousing things.

Leading off from BiDanFan's comment @30: I wouldn't advise people to expect rejection - though they should - so much as I'd advise people to frame rejection as a GOOD thing rather than a bad thing. Unless you're a rapist (general you, I have no reason to suspect BiDanFan of sexual coercion) who gets off on forcing people who don't want to have sex with you to do so (in which case, get professional psychotherapy ASAP), you don't actually WANT to have sex with unwilling partners, and rejection is a kindness that means you can stop focusing your time and energy on someone who doesn't want to have sex with you. Also, assume that the lack of a definite, "Yes, let's start dating/making out/etc. right now," is a, "No thank you, not ever," regardless of what the person actually says other than "yes". Lots of people are socialized to think that qualified "soft" rejections are kinder than unambiguous rejections, and in the event that the person in question is actually serious about the qualifier in zir qualified rejection, ze can come back to you if it changes. Even if the person is ambivalent, best to look for people who enthusiastically want to date and/or fuck you, since people who are ambivalent about their relationships don't tend to be good partners in those relationships. I know that the yearning for connection with a specific other person can seem all-consuming, and moving past that isn't necessarily easy, but consciously re-framing the situation for yourself really can help, both in the moment, and over time to more quickly get to a place where rejection isn't that big a deal (which also helps one come off as confidant, since one isn't stressing about the response too much, and ironically then increases the odds of people saying yes).

I think another piece of advice is: sex may feel like everything to you now, but there are far more important things over the course of a lifetime. Mutual respect. Communication.

So read those books just because and have non-sexual interests and goals. Be a whole person. Form lasting bonds with peopls you care about. Learn to find a romantic partner who likes all that you are and vice versa. These things will be way more important to your long-term happiness than whether you tricked some chick into banging you in your 20’s because you quoted Hawthorne and had abs.

In our goal-oriented world where everyone else is just a means to your own self-gratification, the message above won’t be heard or understood; but it is still worth conveying.

Dirtygirty@25, how about you concern yourself with advice you want to give and I’ll do the same?

I just wish Dan's advice didn't include the bit about currently being repulsive with the hopes of some day not being repulsive. A nervous horny young man doesn't need to be told that any more than a young woman does. We're all given to a certain amount of uncertainty, an amount of being unsure that anyone can ever love us Dan makes it sound like if we're not getting laid a few years down the line then we can give way to despair. He makes it sound like the human body must be scrubbed clean or else it's disgusting-- and even then. Can you imagine the fat girl hearing that? Or the fat boy? How about "you're beautiful; it's a matter of making sure people can see it." (Sadly, the fat kids hear it all too much.) I do like the advice to be interesting. That can be said over and over.

SA @19 "@17/Registered European: Is that a serious question? Yes, men can get an ache in their testicles from getting aroused, but then not orgasming. "

It was more an incredulous question. I have never experienced any such thing, I always assumed that "blue balls" was just a metaphor for "sexually frustrated", not for anything physically painful.

Blue Balls are not fucking real. That's existential angst, not physical pain, guys.

@24 thank you. I had the same experience - like having sexual desires was perverted or something, and that being attracted to someone who hadn't already expressed attraction to you was inherently wrong - and this was from a lifetime of Seattle Public Schools, not a christian or catholic school.

@ 38, of course blue balls are real. I’m a woman, and I’ve experienced the equivalent. I experience a similar uncomfortable (but thankfully less intense/painful) feeling while breastfeeding, when my baby starts to nurse and then gets distracted, leaving me with a breast uncomfortably full of milk.

Fichu, this is an old letter, Dan may have answered it differently today.
Following on from John’s comment, yes heartache. Be ready for that, the first one may be the hardest, they all still hurt. Keep close with your male friends, don’t put all your emotional needs onto a young woman, as she may leave and friends love you and you love them thru it all.

Nocute @26 & BiDanFan @31: that poster is a troll who coughs up asshat bait like that all the time - thankfully its very rarely in SLOG - and who people naturally seem to ignore. This week, the troll got a nibble or two. It happens.

Sportlandia @38: Blue balls are real. Or at least they were when I was in my twenties. Perhaps someone found a cure?

41, Lava-- I recognized it as advice that Dan had published before, though not that particular letter. I know because I remember looking for it when someone wrote in about being fat and having trouble finding a partner. I liked the part about the need to be interesting (and interested in things and active), looked it up, then balked at the part about calling anyone repulsive.

I love it. Men mansplaining blue balls to each other. I think it's clear that some experience this to a greater degree than others, but regardless, the point that any discomfort one may or may not feel does NOT entitle one to satisfaction from anyone but oneself. Can we all agree on that?

BiDanFan @45: And here we all were thinking we were having a discussion and posting opinions, while all along we were "mansplaining." Thanks for pointing that out. We can shut up now.

"Blue balls" seems to me a subject where "mansplaining" is appropriate, for once.

@45/BiDanFan: I recall plenty of comments in which women related issues about their bodies, like vaginal dryness, and I don’t recall one time that any man effectively tried once let alone twice to shut that conversation down as you have done here. I don’t see this topic veering from blue balls to suggesting some female person must cure said blue balls, so again I don’t know why you’re forcing the conversation there. If you don’t want to read these comments, fine, but to suggest men can’t have a conversation as you’re doing is being an ass.

The only experience I’ve had with blue balls is hearing how boys would use such a state to gain sympathy from the girl who only went to ab or c. Whatever the stages were for young girls. True or not, it sure got the wind up me.

Sublime @48: I wasn't trying to shut down the discussion, it was just funny seeing men denying each other's lived experiences. By all means carry on.

And I draw your attention to the original reference to blue balls, Surfrat @8: "Blue balls are real. If you're super charged and she or he says no, go to the fucking bathroom and take care of yourself." If that's not a suggestion that the alternative is the female person in question curing said blue balls, I don't know what is.

Ms Fichu - Mr Savage would never give girls and boys the same advice. In this piece, he's indirectly telling boys that to be happy, they must make girls happy. For all I can imagine, it's extremely difficult to visualize his advising girls to become interesting people. I could see him telling them they already are interesting and beautiful.

Sometimes it seems as if the treatment of girls is a coin, with the way Mrs Norris and Sir Thomas Bertram treated Fanny Price on one side and the way Mrs Bennett petted and indulged Lydia on the other. Perhaps Ms Cute has got the knack of raising daughters.

@45 I'm not capable of mansplaining, I am the expert here.

Sporty@38~ “...That's existential angst, not physical pain...”
That qualifies as one of the more ignorant things I’ve ever heard. Take my word for it. After a teenage night of petting but not coming, the boys were aching like I’d been kicked in the crotch. And jerking off to “relieve the pressure” was about the last thing I wanted to do! Hey! Let’s bat ‘em around a bit! Maybe an ice pack would have helped, but after a night’s sleep, things were mostly back to normal.

Just spit my coffee across the table after reading @52!

@54 I'll be home in like and hour and run and experiment.

Ah - I omitted the episode of the Brady Bunch in which Marcia played Juliet in the school play, with her being unable to find any middle ground between feeling she'd never be good enough, and, after having her confidence built up, going into full Diva mode, including deciding to change a lot of her lines because Shakespeare just wasn't doing it for her.