The XFL Is a Trumpian Nightmare and It's Coming to Seattle

Comments

1

Extreme football should be like in The Last Boy Scout.

https://youtu.be/VVrsGHs2MCk

(And doesn't that Forbes article describe arena football?)

3

It will be a smashing success.

4

1, why isn't spike writing this article
and 2, who gives a fuck, the XFL in Seattle will be about as big as the SeaDogs were.

5

She Hate Me.

6

Perfect for tRump America. More brain injuries.

7

Without Strippers, what's the fucking Point of Football?!

Bring back the XXXFL!

8

"Phony and stupid. Perfect for Republicans."

Then why so many African Americans playing it?

9

The city is Tampa. NOT Tampa Bay. Tampa bay is the body of water that Tampa touches. Tampa Bay also refers to Tampa, St.Pete Clearwater ... the tri city area surrounding Tampa Bay...
Tampa is a big enough city and market it can handle the teams on its own and doesn’t need the support St Pete and Clearwater...

11

@9,

Ever been to a Tampa Bay Rays game? They could barely sell out freaking playoff games. It's "Tampa Bay," as the city's NFL affiliate will also attest.

I remember back when the original league launched and wondering (hoping) McMahon was gonna blend wrestling and football to create a scripted league. It could've worked! Like they follow the players around in the locker rooms and a select few of them have super outlandish and heavily stereotyped personalities. The Florida based team could have some big, meaty commercial fishermen turned offensive linemen, and a couple Cuban refugees who are super quick and hard to catch at running back and wide receiver. Dallas is obviously also a blend of gristly cowboys and Mexican immigrants.

The Pittsburgh team could have a bunch of old steel mill workers and Seattle could embrace the snowflake narrative and have the flaming, cross dressing dudes (a mainstay of old pro wrestling, Adorable Adrian Adonis was an absolute delight to watch) who became nasty and violent when matched up against their macho/masculine counterparts. And then they also have some MAGA chuds on the team who clash with the effeminate dudes in more compelling locker room footage...

You telling me this wouldn't work!!?? I'd watch the freaking crap out of it!* Alas, McMahon went with the "real" thing and it crashed and burned, just as this will and it'll be funny to watch that happen yet again, though less fun than watching my league would have been.

*I wouldn't watch that crapfest.

12

Unfortunately there is no “trump’s America” that has an expiration date. There is just America and trump is a reflection of what America really is, and always has been.

13

I highly recommend the espn 30 for 30 episode, “This Was the XFL” - it’s very entertaining. No need to revamp the actual league.

14

11

Great analysis! Thanks, So that's wtf it is ...

I wonder if they'll overheat the stadium (sell more $15 beers!) and have they lads play (just like the WWE!) in thongs and maybe shoulder pads -- may as well get the stupendously large homoerotic dollar whilst you're down there, already.

Who needs cheerleaders, when ya got Beefcake?

15

@14 yeah homoerotic football, oil them up and have them grapple, this sounds more promising than whatever this is going to be actually.

The GayFL would be a broad-appeal product, it would be juiced up enough to sell ironically to liberals, and it would be hot enough that closeted Christians and "wide stance" Republicans couldn't stay away from it.

16

Eeehhh, they SAY they're bringing it back, but I won't believe it until it starts airing again.

@15: Every half-time would have an elaborate show, not just the championship game (which, in this league, would of course have to be referred to as the Fabulous Bowl).

17

@15 -- Yeah, they could rent Suites.

I can see the Prez decked out in Leader of the Free World! S&M Flaggy pleather, his 'hair' saturated with some sort of Toxic Paste, that he flips his head and blinds his opponents with -- like the dinosaur in Jurassic Park or whatever. And he runs for 16 touchdowns, a record that'll NEVER be broken!

18

@2 & @10 German Sausage FOR.THE.WIN!!
@7 kristofarian: Be careful about what you wish for. In these crazy times you may surely get it.

Maybe it really IS a good thing I don't own a TEEVEE anymore.

19

I am no fan of XFL or Trump, but this is a disaster of a headline. There's no mention of Trump in the actual article until two anomalous plugs tacked onto the end. No explanation tying the seeming valid criticisms of the new league to anything Trump-related. Write a good article and let it stand on its own. If it can't, spike it. Don't just add "P.S. Trump Sucks" and a clickbait headline. That just detracts from the points you were trying to make.

21

thanks for a great early morning laugh, great article! I'm glad you mentioned Trump because wasn't he in on the first attempt at the XFL back in 2001...he tried to buy a football team but was unable to, then tried to launch a rivalry, but was kinda laughed out of the sports sphere...or something. I can see the new XFL as something he'd support if only out of pettiness. Either way I too fervently hope "Trump's America" is heaved over by 2020 and the new skull-crushing XFL-make-the-nfl-great-again with it.

22

@17 luxury glory hole mazes, with king crab legs around every corner.

23

'What Twenty20 did for cricket'?
Where alternative universe did I just enter?
Every time I talk about cricket with Americans... I hear... well... crickets.

24

Say what you will about the XFL, but for some weird reason, a lot people are going to remember "He Hate Me" for the rest of their lives, and I am one of them.

A monument more lasting than bronze, that is.

26

@25, it's really both

27

@15 - They sort of already have that in the form of pro wrestling and MMA, but i like the idea of going one step further. Also, i feel like it would do more for straight women than any pink gloves and cleats worn by an NFLer ever did.

28

The XFL brought in skycams in 2001 which the NFL soon adopted. I cant wait to see what they bring this time that the NFL will adopt.

29

I guess they weren't successful trying to convince Norman Jewison to sell them the rights to form a Rollerball league, so this was their next-best option...

30

Having people do their mainstream jobs, but adding sex workers into the mix seems pretty Trumpian.

So the headline is accurate.

31

TRUMP!!!! Why is everything related to one thing Trump related? I get he's an idiot, but seriously you guys feed into this and make it worse everytime you compare something to his "America." Guess what people... America isn't just Seattle! I grew up here and I'm baffeled by the type of people who moved here for some politcal gain or the writers of the "New Stranger" which has obviously gone to the way of the crapper the same way this city has become a neoliberal haven... Get some new material.

32

Some people just can't help but lose money I guess.

If any of you are sci-fi fans looking for an alternate take on what football will look like in the future, this is the best piece of short fiction I read this year.

https://www.sbnation.com/a/17776-football

33

Nathalie could've mentioned that XFL/WWE mastermind Vince McMahon and President Trump are old buddies. Trump was a big supporter of McMahon when he was in the early days of launching the WWF into the mainstream. Wrestlemanias 4 and 5 were held at Trump Plaza. Trump also performed for the WWE as part of a match at Wrestlemania 23. Trump is a member of the WWE Hall of Fame. Finally, Vince' wife (and former WWE CEO) Linda McMahon is currently a member of Trump's cabinet.

34

There are better ways to make football more interesting and exciting, and speed it up.

They can keep the game going through tackles - play only stops when the ball goes out of bounds or there's an infraction; no more ten seconds of play and a minute of standing around. And if there's an infraction, ball possession is up for grabs.

If a touchdown is made along the sideline, the extra point gets kicked form the sideline. And the ball carrier really has to have control; none of this waving the ball vaguely near the end zone to count as a score.

Take away the pads, so no one is armoured; no more spearing or cheap shots (or a lot less of them), because it'll hurt the offender more.

Finally, change the name back to "rugby".

35

@32 nice first chapter. Jon Bois is a damn treasure.

37

My god, it's perfect. The ultimate cartoon of everything thoughtless about American entertainment. I think this Trump "clickbait" title is actually apt, the aesthetics are much the same. Everything bigger, louder, more sexy, more violent! Nuance is 4 nerds!

Picture it! A bible, a barefoot-n-pregnant wife with a hot meal, and a massive American flag at one end of the field, a hot tub full of hookers and blow on the other. Beer for everyone who comes dressed in an appropriately obnoxious outfit or body paint, xanax for everyone else. All it's lacking is firearms. Let's fix that, we can arm the mascots. At a certain point in the game, they are each allowed to open fire on a player from the opposite team, bonus points if they get a kill. Speaking of, why waste good violence? Hand the players clubs and let them really go at it, medical attention and safety are for pussies anyways! The winners get to fuck the opposing team's cheerleaders. Bring on the bread & circuses just like in the good ol' days!

This will last all of two episodes before Darwinism does its thing.

38

Anyone who hasn't seen the 30-for-30 documentary on the XFL should really do so. It's remarkable--Natalie gets the basic story right here, but undersells the stunning degree of incompetence, hubris, and stupidity behind the whole enterprise. And it's clear from the interviews that McMahon has absolutely no capacity to meaningfully assess what went wrong--to him, this is a surefire winner of an idea, and its actual failure confounds, confuses, and saddens him, but he can't make any sense out of how it could have happened.

39

Another day another doomed to fail business moving into the city. At least this one isn’t another pho restaurant.

40

Yep, there's no market for this slapdash concept whatsoever, especially without the sex. One money-losing season and it'll be gone just like last time, assuming it even gets off the ground. McMahon has never succeeded at anything but pro wrestling, which he did mainly by poaching and then buying out small, local circuits. He obviously can't do that with football and it's hard to imagine him spending the time and money necessary to build a legitimate sports league from scratch.

41

37

You're definitely on to something there.
The perfect bread and circuses for the masses
who refuse to / won't see how Trumpfy's fucking everyone
but Putin and Kim Jong un, who're busy fucking all of us including
the Prez.

That's gonna sell a LOTTA Beer!
And block-long pickup trucks!
And Corporate America!

Have you shopped it to Uncle Snoopy Murdoch, yet?
(Is it to soon to send you a check?!)

42

A fine article besides the Trumpian non sequitur.
Do you or a relative have TDS? Stop it -- get some help.

43

@42 -- We did!
They take their seats on January 3, 2019.

Derr Furor's gonna come Unglued.
Well, more so. He best wag that dog, pronto.