Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: How do you tell if he's actually dangerous or just really sweet? And she wasn't that into him... until he made it clear he wasn't that into her. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, premature ejaculation:

Just read your advice to the guy who, among other woes, has problems with PE. I loved your ending, where you suggest that he should consider accepting his cockular foibles and just go with the flow of his body (instead of using numbing agents, etc.). I, too, have the same problem, and it really crashed my sex life for years. I over-compensated by being the oral guy who had to accomplish with my mouth what my selfish cock wouldn't do. My guy had his jollies, early, and left the party while it was still in full swing. It took me years to understand that it was just how I was built (or was fucked up). So, for some partners, it was great for me to cum because they didn't have to wait..and...wait...wait. And, the big turn on for them all along was watching the volcano erupt. And, others, really enjoyed what I could do with my trained tongue that any dick can't accomplish. I still wish I could last like a porn star. But, in the end, if you find the right lid to your pot, it's alllllllll good!

For PEEVED:

I'm hoping I am the 350th person to point you at simple negging as the reason the guy PEEVED was dating was behaving "erratically." I have run into eleventy billion women who are carefully mulling over why he chose to say he would date her despite her tragic flaw and then pointed out her tragic flaw all night. Textbook PUA shit, is why. I have spent a lot of my time trying to build up the women being torn down, but it's an earworm. I can't counter it. It's Just enough Based On A True Story, and more significantly it was said just after fucking so it is an arrow to the psyche. They can't get free.

However.

The moment I describe negging they look up, just like that, shoulders drop, face clears...oh. Then they can let it go and get free.

For LEAP:

A suggestion for LEAP, who wants to be fucked in the ass in Germany. Not to disparage any of his attraction to the male-male version, but I’m wondering if he’s (also) interested in getting a good pegging from his wife. Perhaps she wouldn’t be up for it, but he doesn’t say it’s a sexless marriage, so maybe she would be!

And:

thought your response to LEAP, the straightish gentleman who is planning to experience anal sex for the first time with a sex worker in Germany was fantastic, but I would add two things for anyone embarking on this journey for the first time. Number one is the butt plug, which many people don't realize is a beautiful way to relax the anus in preparation for anal sex. It can mean the difference between a pleasurable and memorable experience or a horrific one, especially if this is truly to be his first and only anal expedition. But also, I would please encourage LEAP to reach out to different prospects and let them know the nature of his request. This is his first and possibly last time, this is what he expects in terms of gentleness, roughness, tenderness etc. Personally I hope this opens up a new realm of pleasurable possibilities for LEAP. But if this is truly the first and last time, I would hope he takes every step to make sure it is everything he wishes it to be.

For Dying For Regular Sex:

19-year-old Dying For Regular Sex says his boyfriend doesn’t want sex anymore "and only after continuous begging and mounting does he give in.” You advised him to dump the BF, which I agree with (they’re not compatible), but you missed this red flag. Continuous begging is obnoxious and wears down a person. Depending on how often “continuous” is, it ranges from annoying jerk to something that’s really not okay in a relationship. The begging, however, pales in comparison to the “mounting.” While it’s not clear what exactly this behavior is, or how often it happens, mounting someone over and over until they “give in” sounds more like rape than actual consent.

Regarding MASS:

After reading today's barrage of letters, I was just as glad as you for the palate cleanser of MASS's short note. Though I found myself thinking, "motherfuckers hit the lottery." I offer an alternative. My wife and I have been married for twelve years. Two kids, four jobs between us. Over the years we have experienced ups and downs in every aspect of our marriage, including our sex life. There have certainly been times when I thought seriously about writing to you, and knew your advice would've almost certainly been DTMFA, or more likely to do what I had to do to stay married and stay sane. Time after time, I've chosen the latter. And I haven't cheated.

What I've had to do, is communicate with my wife. I've had to be frighteningly honest with her and I've had to be not so totally honest. I've had to go to counseling and so has she. I've had to self care, and try to facilitate her doing the same. I've had to be patient, and accepting, and know that if we stay the course, things will get better. And worse. And better again. I've had to handle my own hangups so she doesn't have to. I've had to remember, a lot, that just because my libido is high and hers is low, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of us.

There is a lot we can't control in the world. Depression, anxiety, kids, work, baggage, the damn weather. This, our marriage, our family, this we can do. But only if we do it together. Don't get me wrong. I also often feel like I've hit the lottery. After all these years, I am still desperately in love with my wife. Also, she's almost unfairly hotter than me, so that helps. But none of that would mean anything if we didn't work at it. Together. When I've thought I couldn't do it anymore, I remind myself to dig deep, and that as long as we're in it together, the good times (and the accompanying hot hot sex) will come back around.

Thanx for helping me keep things in perspective all these years.
Another Kind of Success Story

On regifting:

I am appalled at you advice to rewrap a used vibrator as new! I am a female and I feel the same as the girlfriend... I want new not used toys... so gross even though it doesn't make sense to guys... this is how women feel and should be respected!

That was meant as a joke... but I didn't make that clear enough... it seems... since yours wasn't the only angry letter...

Regarding the intro to this week's Savage Lovecast...

My husband and I are long-time listeners to your podcast. I am writing to you because your latest intro about idealized holidays resonated, and I thought you might enjoy this new holiday song my husband, Jackson Emmer, recently wrote and released (co-written with his also holiday-anxious friend, Clint Alphin). The song is called "Put a Bow on It." You can listen to it on Spotify here. Enjoy! Thanks for all the great content.

P.S. If you aren't into Spotify, here's a Bandcamp link.

And finally...

I am a straight, white male in my 60's living in Southern California. I love your podcast (which has truly enabled me to better connect with my non-heterosexual wife (her coming out was something of a surprise) and my 13-year-old gay son (his coming out was less of a surprise). And our relationships are really good. I'm writing in today because my wife and I recently visited the posh resort in Ojai, California,
and saw this on the grounds:

I am still too befuddled to ask an intelligent question—or even a mediocre question at all really—but I'm now suffering from "hydrant envy."

And THANK YOU for all your insights into sexuality that help me better understand my wife, and especially for providing information and perspective to help me be a better parent to my son. You truly have a profound and positive impact on a very large number of people. Here's wishing a very Merry Christmas to you and yours, and a New Year filled with love, strength, resolve and compassion.

Aw, thanks! Merry Christmas to you and yours too!