Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: She left her first husband for a coworker. Should she leave her second for a stranger? And can this letter writer ask for no-recip oral? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On SERVE and the no-recip blowjob:

I'm a woman on dating apps and I love giving men blow jobs. I'm bisexual but most of my sexual activity is with women. It's something you can't do with a woman and I could never go without it. Not interested in PIV. Got to find those guys/cocks somewhere (boo, death of CL personals). In fact, if your readers have advice on how to word such an ad so I don't hurt men's feelings, I would welcome it. I guess I represent the 0.001 per cent.

I'm pretty sure most guys, being guys, would react positively to the offer of a no-recip, no-strings blowjob, even if it came on dating app. But readers with suggestions about verbiage (and adverbiage, nouniage, prepositioniage, etc.) are welcome to leave suggestions in the comments thread.

On a recent Lovecast I offered some advice to a woman whose new-ish friend was in an abusive relationship that she either refused to leave or couldn't leave, despite the best (and repeated) efforts of older friends and family members over the years. A domestic violence counselor took issue with my advice. (We can't help someone who refuses to be helped and we aren't obligated to keep offering help to someone who refuses to take it.) And now a survivor of domestic violence takes issue with the counselor's issue taking...

I just wanna say as someone who went through a psycho marriage that I think you were fair in your summation of the caller's friend. No way did I offload and tell people what I was tolerating. Sure... my husbands abuse was his fault, but the moment I realized I was CHOOSING to stay, I realized I could also choose to leave. It was empowering for me to take responsibility for my own part in the relationship. I also did not want to put friends or family at risk, nor did I want them awake at night worrying that I was going to get killed. Maybe our similar Catholic stoic upbringings? I’m not sure. Anyways I think it was great that you played the domestic violence counselor with the PC-approach and by-the-book advice. But don’t kick yourself regarding the charges of victim blaming, Dan. I think sometimes by taking all responsibility from one person in a bad relationship, people are ironically taking away their choices and power and rendering them a child/victim, rather than encouraging and supporting them to be adult survivors. I was walked on repeatedly because I laid down. I’m now a flying carpet and two decades later no bugger can wipe their feet on me.

Regarding the response's to PEEVED's question, which ran in a recent Reader Advice Round-up...

I just finished the reader response to PEEVED about negging. While that is a thing, and pickup artist shit is also a thing, that's not the only topic in PEEVED's letter. We're missing a chance for PEEVED to learn something about herself. Isn't that the point? I'll open up here: I attach pretty quickly. Good, bad or otherwise, as a pathological optimist, I search and seek the best in people and situations. If I feel like things are going great, I'll say so. I jump in before my partner. I ain't scared. But at the same time, if I just see it won't work, I'll say that, too. Radical honesty. I could see myself in a situation not too dissimilar, but no PUA tactics involved.

What PEEVED may want to consider is attachment. It's a spectrum: Anxious to Secure to Avoidant. Some people live in one all the time. Most people spend their time close to Secure but stressors can push them to one side or the other, but they usually have only one default. It sounds like PEEVED slides toward Anxious when she's stressed. She's trying to answer the question "this wasn't broken, now it seems broken, how do I fix it?!?!?!" If PEEVED was Avoidant, when she felt that stress, she'd race to "fuck this guy" and protect herself with distance. She'd go out for a pack of smokes and stay gone for the next 46 years. But she isn't. So it's best to understand how stress will likely manifest in future relationships, too.

Negging is a thing. I disagree that this case was negging to be honest. But either way, she needs to move on.

In regards to WBGGG and big/little play:

Hello, favorite sex columnist! I just want to point out that the young lady who thinks her partner is into Big/little play based on the text about wanting to be rocked and put to bed. I can say that I have said the same to my current partner—we are a cisgender hetero couple exactly the same age—just because I needed to feel cared for. Sometimes just being cradled and kissed gently feels good. He also bathed me when we first started dating and it was heaven. I had a back injury and could not wash my own hair or body. It wasn't sexual, but it was intimate. Maybe her partner wants to increase the intimacy but not necessarily in a sexual way. I'm sure you receive 100 responses to everything you write, Dan, but I hope you at least read this! Have a wonderful new year!

From DUMP:

Thanks for responding to my question, Dan. For those who are looking for some sort of closure, here's what ended up happening: Her holiday departure date was coming up so I felt pressured to make a decision one way or the other—I opted to tell her beforehand. I reasoned that her family has always been a strong support system for her and, as sucky as this made her holidays, it seemed much better that she have time to process everything around them than here where she doesn't really have any friends aside from me.

I emphasized that nothing in her life had to change—I would pay for whatever level of support she would be willing to accept, if only for the sake of the good years we spent together. I could move out before she got back. I could pay for her to move someplace not tainted with memories and easier for her to live in alone. I could stay on in case she was afraid of living in our (sketchy) neighborhood alone. In the end we agreed on the latter option, we already had separate bedrooms and our relationship would become that of roommates. Ground rules were set, firm chores and bills would be split appropriately. She will be focusing on graduating and moving out to a job somewhere else as soon as possible. It was about as adult a break as could be expected.

Regarding VIBE:

I read Savage Love in LEO Weekly every week, and have actually saved a couple clippings which resonated with me for their content and your helpful input. Your reply to VIBE in the 12/19/18 LEO, however, had a concerning closing line which I think you need to reconsider. You suggested that the writer "save the old packaging" from a vibrator so he can "pass if off as new" to the next woman he's with. Are you honestly the type of person who would suggest that someone lie to an intimate partner? It seems out of character for you. I'd hate to stop reading your advice column but if you won't correct that mistake in advising I'll have serious concerns.

That was meant as joke—one that obviously didn't land, since you aren't the only person who wrote in to object. But if you've been reading me for years... you should know that I have, at times, advised readers to lie their intimate partners. A relationship is not a deposition, as I've said numerous times, and no relationship could survive without the occasional lie of commission or omission. I don't approve of lying generally, some lies are self-serving, others are unforgivable, we should err on the side of truth-telling, being lied to constantly sucks and is crazy-making, etc. But let's say you've been with someone for twenty years and they cheated on you once a long time ago, instantly regretted it, and never did it again. If you asked them if they'd ever cheated on you while you were planning your 20th anniversary party, would you want them to answer the question honestly? Even if being told the truth—not being lied to at that moment—would destroy your relationship? Answer honestly...

A random thought from someone who isn't a regular reader of my advice column or anyone else's advice column...

I just read a couple of questions and answers you put out for the public to read too. And I find it pretty sad that this even exists and people are actually out here in this world putting everything online here describing their cheating affairs and hurting their spouses and cheating.

Ann Landers' advice column wasn't online... but it was full of "cheating affairs and [people] hurting their spouses and cheating" too, along with impassioned debates about the proper way to hang a roll of toilet paper. (Should the roll unspool over or under the rod?) My column has more swears and more kinks, of course, but cheating affairs and lies and cheating aren't unique to my advice column.

On my long-running campaign against bachelor/bachlorette parties:

Catching up on the podcast! I was reminded of your excellent stance on bachelor/bachelorette parties. (The "death of fun" theme and people thinking it's funny to act like people don't like the person they're marrying.) I so appreciate your saying this (and more than once!). Those attitudes need to be retired along with the expectation of virginity (for women only!) on the wedding night. As an alternative narrative, however...

My darling husband and I had bachelor and bachelorette parties. They were great. He went to school on the east coast, and almost all of his friends and family were flying in from distant parts for our wedding. I encouraged him to do whatever he thought would be the most fun day he could have, on the very rare occasion of having all of his friends out here in Seattle. They started the day hang gliding, then had pizza and went bowling, and ended up playing poker and board games at our house. Myself, I ran errands during the same day with one friend, and then all my friends met up at my favorite Tapas joint, where we ordered one of everything, and several bottles of wine, and passed all the plates around.

Each of us treasure those great memories, and are so glad we took advantage of everyone's willingness to fly out for our wedding, to have one great day/evening just being friends together. There was no "last night of freedom" bullshit—just people we love and who love us, happy that we were happy, and happy to celebrate with us for more than just the wedding reception.

And a note on an old Lovecast:

This email is regarding the guy who met another disabled person to date and wasn't attracted. I am a 27-year-old cis het woman with a seizure disorder, so dating was a bit tricky, but in my experience it is best to be upfront with people. I had a similar experience and if the spark is not there it's just not. I have made some great friends that way. And dude, as far as devotees go, I would air on on the side of caution. I am sure there are good people out there who identify that way but particularly online it is very easy for them to prey on disabled folks. There are plenty of "normal" people (my boyfriend included) who find disabled folks very sexy in a non-skeevy way. But thats just my opinion. (P.S. Quality sex toys can be fantastic for people with disabilities, just saying...)

Quality sex toys are fantastic for all people! Some thanks from a longtime reader...

I've been reading your column since back in the 90s when I would sneakily read it in The Stranger while my mom wasn't looking. As a teenager in South King County, even getting a copy of The Stranger was work!

I've learned so much over the years and even what doesn't apply to my own life has helped me understand and support others. I'm a HS teacher (not a health teacher, but kids talk to who they trust, not who's assigned the subject) and I've used a ton of what I've learned to support my students in healthy sex/life/relationships, especially my LGBTQIA+ students. I thought you might enjoy this story: One of my gay seniors was joking about how much sex he was gonna have in college. I told him, "Get on PrEP, be safe, have fun," and he stared at me for a second and then said, "Straight people know about PrEP?!?" It led a good conversation about safer sex/access to services, etc.

You've also expanded my personal views, made me more comfortable with sex. (Talk! That's the #1 thing I've learned!) You also helped de-stigmatize sex for pleasure. I've been straight-married for twelve years and I thought that I grew up pretty unrepressed but there was still some residual cultural shit I'm working through. One particular tip I picked up in your column—one I'm not going to name—was life changing.

And, what do you know, I have a question of my own: what is the deal with (straight) teenage boys drawing dicks on everything?!? At least once a week I'm erasing a dick off the board or finding one in a textbook or on someone's assignment. Any insights? I ask the offenders and they just giggle and say "it's funny."

I have a theory. It's not that dicks are funny, it's that they're scary. Boys hit puberty and this device, this tool for eliminating waste, suddenly takes over their lives. Spontaneous and embarrassing erections, uncontrollable sexual thoughts, balls that need (demand!) to be drained multiple times a day. Pre-puberty your dick is this thing in your pants that you pee through and forget about. During puberty (and, yes, after for many guys), it’s a monster that you can’t quite control. People mock things they fear; we make fun of powerful things to cut then down to size and make them seem less scary.

This is, of course, a highly charitable view—some teenage boys are dicks and what your'e finding on chalkboards and assignments are so many self-portraits. But I was once a teenage boy myself and I drew my fair share of dicks on chalkboards. And looking back, well, my dick was scaring the shit out of me at the time and I think there's some relationship between the fear my dick induced and all those dicks I drew on the chalkboards, walls, and books at St. Jerome's and Quigley Preparatory Seminary North.

And, finally:

I love having a sexy woman dress me in very fem lingerie and have me walk around in front her and obey her wishes. It was a struggle at first but I met a sexy Dom woman that started dressing me at hotels and making do what she wanted. It has moved into hers and mine sexual desires and I’m very comfortable in fem lingerie. I love her dressing me and shopping for me.

I couldn't be happier for you—thanks for sharing!