Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: He can't come with his hot girlfriend and it's making her angry and him crazy. A friend is having an affair with their parent—will that work out? A reader has a bad trip and Dan proves he can be succinct (with a little help from ASMR YouTube). Her awful ex moved to her small town: Two questions, one answer. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
First, for CLIT, the man whose girlfriend gets off too easily (thanks to his awesome abilities, he says) and is too loose...
To CLIT, the tone-challenged guy with a wet GF: legs together! If you’re having trouble getting enough friction from PIV, try positions that keep her legs pressed tight together and her knees toward her chest: it will compress her vagina and result in more sensation for both of you. And: if she’s on her back, you can try crossing her thighs for potentially more tightness (throwing her legs over your shoulder).
Also, re: the awful tone: is it possible you’re projecting some frustration onto her genitals? Frustration that should directed at yours? Because if you’re not getting enough sensation from her normal vaginal tenting and sweating, then it seems all too possible that your penis is small. And if so, I think at 40 it’s time to face that, operate accordingly—there are tons of ways to give and get pleasure with a small cock—and (FFS!) stop punishing your lovers for the hand you were dealt.
Another reader was wondering whether CLIT, and not his GF, was the one with the size issue...
I was surprised you didn't offer LW another possible reason why "his GF is too wet." Maybe he's a bit on the small side? His numerous negative comments—like "missing a tight fit"—certainly bring up this possibility, and he never mentions his "size." I wouldn't bring it up except he's so unusually critical of HER, when she's doing something most men would appreciate. Thanks for your column; as a straight woman, I usually enjoy it and usually think you're pretty balanced. But this LW reeks of feeling "inadequate."
I'm also a woman who orgasms after about two minutes of any stimulation! I also get extremely wet! I've also had to navigate partners that need more stimulation/pressure! I have a few thoughts for your letter writer:
1. It's possible to contract the muscles in the vaginal wall to create a tighter feeling. Play around with this. I've found I can create the tightest fit lying on my side and being entered from behind while also adding vaginal contractions.
2. You say she's not great at oral, CLIT. That's a solvable problem. Let your girlfriend know that while you love when she gives you head, there are things she could do to make it even better and then coach her through it. She should be game to figure out exactly what gets you off.
3. Please reframe your thinking about how fast she comes. Coming in two minutes means she can come every two minutes, thus you can give her ten orgasms in a row and feel like a stud. Lean into how awesome that is; stop tying your pride to how long it takes to give her that first orgasm and instead tie it to how many orgasms you give her.
Lastly, I want to say this: the men I sleep with think I'm a goddamn treasure. They think it's incredibly hot that I get so wet and orgasm so easily. CLIT should think of his girlfriend this way too. Plenty of other men out there will be happy to have a GF with a "problem" like this.
Faced with situation similar to CLIT's, I discovered a position that helped. Simply the missionary position, except the woman keeps her legs together. This might not work if one or both parties are too large (or too short), but it greatly increases friction and the woman can use her thigh muscles to add even more pressure. Sometimes pressure will work where friction is lacking.
I feel sick to say it, but reading between the lines, it sounds like ILL may have cornered and molested this much-younger woman (most likely a coworker), and she got breathless, flushed, and wet. His motivated reasoning leads him to believe she wants him, but the truth is, she was scared of him and preparing for the possibility he might rape her. Please take this opportunity to inform ILL and the rest of your readers a very important fact that should be taught in every sex ed class: a wet vagina is not evidence of implied consent.
Human physiology/psychology is complex, and women evolved to lubricate in order to prevent damage. Quite often, young men are misinformed and misinterpret wetness to mean that a woman wants sex. They continue to believe this, even when a woman directly says no, she isn't attracted to him, and no, she doesn't want sex. These young men assert that the woman must be socially constrained, but really wanted to do it, then claim afterwards that she was wet and flushed and moaned, and hence she wanted sex, despite her resistance. But she is telling the truth. Wetness is self-protective, in case the man rapes her (which many men frequently do).
We discussed whether it's ever okay to wear a Hitler mustache or bring a date with a Hitler mustache to a Hanukkah party on this week's Savage Lovecast. A listener comes at it from a different angle...
I just listened to Episode 637, the call about the guy with the Hitler mustache and have a question about it. I'm in accord with your thoughts but, as I listened to discussion further, thoughts of taking back the mustache started to come into my head. I considered how terms like "fag" and "queer" have been reclaimed and wiped (perhaps to varying levels) of their pejorative sense. I was hoping you could speak about this notion and how it does (not) apply to the Hitler mustache. I love your show: I've been listening since Episode 1 and it has helped me form better relationships with the people around me.
It was fags and queers who reclaimed "fag" and "queer." So if anyone is going to reclaim the Hitler mustache—and no one who isn't a secret Nazi or a not-so-secret Nazi or an exhausting pedant has any desire too—it would have to be Jewish people. It won't be can't be the non-binary, non-Jewish romantic partner of a Jewish woman who made the mistake of inviting a romantic partner witha Hitlerstache to a Hanukkah party. Even if we could set aside the destruction of European Jews (and we can't), the Hitler mustache is an aesthetic outrage. In addition to making someone look like a Nazi or an idiot or both, it makes him look like he has a perpetually runny nose—only it's hair dripping out of his nostrils, not snot.
Your comments on the Hitler mustache were spot-on. There’s a great article by a medieval historian very interested in antiracism that seems relevant. I’d say that the Hitler ‘stache is more clearly and always wrong, but it’s pretty parallel. The band photo of Manowar is well worth following the link, on its own, but I think you’ll be interested in the politics of the post, too.
I listened to the podcast a few weeks ago and Dan asked the black listeners about how they defend the black lives matter movement. The responses you aired were great (in that they were effective and moving) and also heartbreaking. I did have one addition, more to speak to people who question the BLM movement. Like it or not, the “don’t white lives matter” argument is very effective for some people—they’re not “woke” but you can’t (or shouldn’t) write off everyone who doesn’t agree with you. I think the proper analogy is the breast cancer movement. People who support breast cancer awareness and research aren’t saying that heart attacks or lung cancer don’t matter. They’re trying to advocate specifically for breast cancer. Similarly BLM isn’t saying white lives don’t matter. No one would dream of shouting down pink ribbon marchers and yelling “prostate cancer matters!" That would be absurd. This isn’t all that complicated! Reforming policing and criminal justice is important for everyone and everyone would benefit from a more just system.
In regards to BUGS, the woman who was coerced into unprotected sex before she made a commitment to the man she's with now:
You didn't say plainly enough to BUGS:
Get tested! Confidentially. If negative, you don't need to have a talk. If positive, you do.
The incident—the night BUGS was coerced into having unprotected sex—took place four years ago, before BUGS and her current partner formalized their relationship and set ground rules for themselves going forward; non-retroactive ground rules that precluded condom-free sex with others going forward. BUGS and her partner are in an open relationship now and the should be tested regularly. But even if they haven't tested in the last four years, if BUGS were to test positively for something now, well, there would be no way of knowing whether that one incident four years ago the source of the STI and not some subsequent sexual encounter—that BUGS had with someone else or her current partner had with someone else. So even if BUGS were to test now and the test came back positive for, say, HPV, BUGS still doesn't need to disclose that night four years ago.
Fichu, in the comments thread, highlighted something I should've pointed out to BUGS: there's nothing "adorable" about a partner who would throw you out on the street:
Any time any relationship involves living in one's car if the relationship should end, it's a bad relationship. I don't care if it's the most wonderful and traditional on earth. If the couple get along great, are married, are faithful to one another, love Jesus, etc., if one of them (she) wants to leave but a condition of leaving is homelessness, then it is not a healthy relationship. My advice is to fix that aspect first. Figure out your independence. Have money in the bank. Have a place to run to. Have other friends. THEN ask a bunch of questions about the particulars of your open relationship.
An email arrived with this on subject line: "Why I just became a Magnum subscriber...":
Dan, your friend Phillip was so charming and sincere he caused my credit card to leap out of my wallet and I'm not a Magnum Subscriber! Please send him my warmest regards! And thank you for your great contributions to our society.
It's true: my friend Philip is all sorts of awesome!
And, finally, non-questions like this have been landing in my Savage Love inbox a lot lately:
I love being in a thong and a woman who enjoys watching.
Some come from guys who seem to have mistaken me for someone else:
Is this the woman that loves for a man to wear panties?
Email from men who tell me they enjoy wearing women's underwear just keep coming in. By why? In an attempt to get to the bottom of this, I engaged with one of the guys...
I am 56 years old and I started wearing panties at age twelve and have been crossdressing ever sense. I only sleep with women occasionally wearing a butt plug. I fantasize about crossdressing with a woman been married two times both failed because they couldn't handle thought of me in panties, bras, and skirts. My whole life want to dress and make love to a woman. I would cum so fast.
Can I ask why you’re emailing me? Is this a question for my advice column or did you just need to express this to someone? I’m fully supportive—I hope you find someone you can do this with—I’m just curious why, out of all the people with email addresses out there, you wrote to me about this. — Dan
Please don’t apologize! I’m only asking because I'm curious. I started getting letters like yours about a year ago. In NO WAY do I disapprove of your desires and I didn't mind receiving your note. I’m just curious where you ran across my email address and what prompted you to send this note. Also, you’ve been waiting a long time to do this! I would encourage you to consider hiring a pro and making this happen for yourself. Fantasies like this one are for realizing and most pros would have no problem with it. — Dan
I went to a site and it said a particular email address was for a woman who wanted to do what I emailed you about and it turns out that email went to you. Somehow these emails are getting rerouted to you. Wont happen again. Sorry.
Please stop apologizing! And it will happen again—in fact, it happened three more times while you and I were emailing about it. And can I ask what site it was? I'm honestly not bothered by it. Some guys even send pics of themselves dressed up—and while straight men in women's underwear isn't my thing, their joy is palpable and their pics put a smile on my face. Thanks for clearing up the mystery. — Dan
He didn't write back, so I still don't know what site is responsible for directing these guys to me. Since there's nothing I can do about it, I might as well sit back and enjoy...