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I’m a very kinky Asian gay guy who lives in LA. Currently I am in Singapore and recently hooked up with a kinky couple that was visiting from Manila. We met on an App, they both said they were Dom, we talked and we agreed to meet in their hotel room for some sounding play. Now I’m an experienced sounder and know the precautions and have taken some pretty big sounds.

So the first red flag was they were almost an hour late to the agreed meet up time. They said they got delayed during other vacationing activities, but they made no effort to contact me to let me know. Like I said, I'm Asian and I'm familiar with the concept of "rubber time." Perhaps due to my western upbringing I felt they were not respecting my time in this situation.

Second red flag was they had a local guy that was sounding curious with them. Now they did mention this in the exchange we had earlier and I was ok, being a bit of an exhibitionist my self and kinda get off on other guys watching me get worked on so I was more than OK with having audience. But what irked me about it was they kept goading the guy to suck my cock—great sucker, btw—and when it was very obvious that the guy had no interest in sounding they kept goading him to watch or to sound me or to get sounded himself. Which I felt violated Consent. I mentioned something about leaving the poor kid alone and they did for a while.

Third red flag was their sounding protocol. I don’t want to get a urinary tract infection in Singapore—no matter how amazing their healthcare system is—and they were using non-sterile lube and the sounds weren’t washed before hand. Fortunately. I had sterile lube anti bacterial wipes with me (I was a Boy Scout once) so I was able to take care of that issue. And I thought we were good to go and the sounding happened and I had a great time until...

Now given their protocol I was wary of going too big and I mentioned that I’ll only go to a 8/9 mm sound. And when they asked if I wanted to do to 10/11 mm I said hard red. Now most guys I played with would have zipped up the other sounds and just used the sounds I was comfortable with. But they kept goading me into trying the larger one. And then they mentioned that neither of them have ever been sounded before! I kinda pulled the plug at that point. I am a firm believer that if haven’t experienced something your self, you shouldn’t do it to others. I jerked off, came, showered, and left.

I feel these two are high-risk kinksters and I kinda want to warn people about them. But at the same time, I know that, culturally-speaking, kink hasn’t been all that available in the part of Asia I'm visiting, much less in the Philippines. My knee-jerk reaction was to post a warning on Fetlife but as I was writing it I thought maybe I should reach out to them and educate them. But then I’m not even sure what to say. Obviously they need to understand consent better but how can I talk to them about the rest of it? So hoping you have some insight for me. Thanks.

Pissed Off & Sounding Off

Accountability is important—and sites like Fetlife and Recon can facilitate the kind of public accountability that makes BDSM practitioners safer.

But the odds of a guy who's tempted to play with this couple seeing your post—or recalling it—are pretty slim. So whether or not you decide to post something to Fetlife, POSO, you should reach out to these two about what they did wrong. And while I know confronting people is awkward even from afar/via email, POSO, to make the world safer for guys who like having metal rods shoved up gently slid down their pee holes... you're just gonna have to power through that awkwardness.

In addition to walking this couple through the need for sterile lube and properly sterilized sounds, POSO, you should impress upon the importance of consent. Consent is critical in all sexual encounters—consent is what makes it a sexual encounter and not a sexual assault—but there are dynamics at play during a BDSM scene that responsible tops must bear in mind. Just as straight guys have to bear in mind that women are socialized to avoid saying "no" to men (and they shouldn't interpret the lack of a "no" for the presence of a "yes"), wannabe BDSM tops need to bear in mind that inexperienced subs might not feel comfortable saying "no" during a scene. Newbie subs want to submit—I mean, duh, that's why they're subs—and an inexperienced sub may worry that saying "no" to a Dom will ruin a scene. (Unscrupulous/shitty Doms have been known to take advantage of this. Subs! If someone tells you a "real" submissive never says no, RUN.)

Now some subs say they want their boundaries pushed and some Doms say they enjoy pushing boundaries—but boundary pushing is itself a kind of D/s play that requires enthusiastic consent! "Do you enjoy having your boundaries pushed/pushing boundaries?" is a question that two very kinky gay guys might ask each other. And if it's something both men enjoy, they can certainly go there—but "pushing boundaries" ≠ "violating boundaries." And the pushing should be verbal and playful and not feel or look like "goading." And pressuring any sub into doing something he's already ruled out or that he's already deployed his safe word to put a stop to... yeah, that's some deeply shitty behavior.

If these guys don't want a bunch of unhappy former play partners posting unflattering reviews on Fetlife and Recon—if they don't want traumatized subs with UTIs warning other subs to stay away from them—they're going to wanna clean up their act. Sterile lube, sterile sounds, enthusiastic consent, no goading, and respect for stated limits and boundaries. And while there are exceptions to the if-you-haven’t experienced-something-you-shouldn’t-do-it-to-others rule, BDSM tops should err on the side of knowing exactly what something feels like before doing it to someone else. (Example of an exception: If Bob is into hardcore whipping—single-tail, welts, broken skin—his partner Don doesn't have to submit to a single-tail whipping session in order to safely, consensually, and responsibly give Bob the whipping he desires.)

Finally, POSO, if the inept tops with the scummy sounding rods had to goad that other boy into sucking your cock... um... then why did you let that other boy suck your cock? Whether we're talking metal sounds or sucking cock, if someone has to be "goaded" into doing it, POSO, that's a red flag consent issue. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt—I'm going to assume the guy went from expressing his reluctance to oozing and enthusing consent all over the place and that you only allowed him to suck your cock after you were convinced he really wanted to suck your cock—but just as BDSM tops should err on the side of having experienced the things they wanna do to their subs, you should've erred on the side of not putting your cock in the mouth of a guy who had to be goaded into sucking it.

And the next time you find yourself with inept or unsafe players and you wanna send them a message, POSO, pull the plug and leave without jerking off and coming. Blowing your load on the way out the door allows those guys to tell themselves you had a good time and that they're pretty good at this topping/sounding/BDSMing thing when you clearly didn't and they clearly aren't.

UPDATE: There's some excellent bonus advice in the comment thread from vab251. The whole comment is great but I want to strongly second this:

My advice is to write up the event and post it on FetLife. Include the places, but not any names. Then contact the supposed doms and link them to the FetLife discussion and to this Savage Love Letter so that they can also read the comments.

"Never read the comments," they say, but make an exception for Savage Love and the SLLOTD. There's almost always some great advice in my comment threads.


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