The risky things teenage males will do to get off never cease to amaze me. Poor kid---FIVE YEARS?????

Anyone wanna give me advice about getting my guy to unfreak about the sex toy I bought? It's a Satisfyer and I haven't even tried it, but he saw the box in the mail bin, asked what was in it and I said it was a clitoral stimulator that I was gonna try and then see if he wanted to incorporate it into our bed, and now he's pouting that he doesn't do it for me by his own self. Well dude, I love ya dearly, and I love your dick even more but I'm menopausal and I'm trying to get some blood flowing. This is not a bad thing. Why are men so threatened by a woman trying to get her groove back?

Good parents snoop Dan.

Since there have been a few posts about kids and sex toys this week I thought I'd add this:

you can get a visa gift card or even an amazon gift card at the grocery store with cash
you can use said card on amazon to order a sex toy
you don't have to have that toy delivered to your house, in most major cities (they do here) you can pick up your item at any number of locker locations near where you live. That allows you to get the item without a delivery your parents might intercept.

AND T.I.L. you can do returns via those lockers too! That is cool!

@2 Sometimes bad parents snoop, too - snooping is always questionable, as are parents' own beliefs about how good or bad they are.

Good advice, Dan. This guy should be supported and helped. He needs a better quality sex toy, and a safe hiding place for it. Does anyone on here know of any super-masculine teenage possessions that have cavities that would hold a dildo but be too uninteresting for his family to poke around in?

He could also look into toys that don't clearly look like toys, so he could pretend ignorance if someone points out it's not a dog chew or a sash weight or whatever. https://www.squarepegtoys.com/shop/collection/catalog/ has some promising items, but they're expensive. Perhaps he can find cheaper options that are equally non-dildo looking.

@1 Ugh, most guys I've been in relationships with were like that -- they saw sex toys as competition instead of their teammate in the fun game of getting me off. It's dumb and imho demonstrates both immaturity and a poor understanding of women's sexuality. I mean, something like 75 percent of us need direct, sustained clitoral stimulation -- more than a dick can provide -- to climax. Seems to me that dudes who are threatened by sex toys are more invested in their egos than their partners having satisfying sex.

@2 NO Good parents do NOT snoop. A child has as much right (and need) to personal privacy as any adult, and snooping proves that you have no respect for them or their needs. It demonstrates a complete lack of trust AND guarantees that their trust for you will be temporarily destroyed and permanently damaged the second they find out.

Good parents ask open ended questions and listen to the answers, engage their children in real conversations about real things, and treat them as thinking beings able to learn from discussion - and not just about sex. About anything and everything, including sex.

BAD parents snoop. They believe that the only way to keep their children safe is to control them, and that they have a right to control them. Newsflash: you can barely control yourself; in the real world, you can't /actually/ control anyone else. And pretending you can and should results in everything from alienating your children and ensuring that they will never come to you for answers or advice, to outright abuse.

I remember when this one was originally published, and it's one of the many for which I wish there was a followup years later to find out what's happening now. Also, I remember thinking at the time, "Why did Dan not mention the downside of always masturbating with the same technique?"

@1, @5

Can you limit your comments to what might be helpful for the LW?

@6: Yes. Children have the right to privacy and parents shouldn't do arbitrary nosy snooping. However, when worried and with just cause we have an obligation and moral duty to act - to avoid disasters and save lives.

When they're 18 - they're on their own.

@5, seems that way to me too.
@8, why?

I could have written this letter myself 15 years ago, right down to the religious household and plunger/ziploc bag combo. Amazon was around but not quite as ubiquitous as it is, sadly. I agree with Dan: get a dildo, hide it well if you must, the internet is a wondrous thing!

That said, I also would say, LW: if you have access to (and storage/hiding places for) lube, at the very least as a stopgap, you should also be able to get some condoms to use instead of those plastic bags. If you can explain away or hide lube, you can do the same with condoms. Cover story: they're way better for a sock than jacking off into, which is the truth. They're also cheap, it's easy to toss a condom over just about anything (flared bottoms please!), they're easier to dispose of than ziplocs (but still don't flush them!), rubber band is built in, and they're actually designed to go in bodily orifices. Also, useful for putting over whatever dildos you do get to keep them cleaner longer, doubly so if they're cheap dildos. You should just get a good dildo if you can though.

Anyway, that's my five cents. Good luck, godspeed, have fun with that ass, and don't do anything stupid. I got lucky, but that doesn't mean you will, and getting unlucky is, uh, a pretty bad scenario in this case.

Also, whenever you are at the point of having (safe! consensual!) sex with girls, test the waters a bit - not everyone will be down with it, but plenty of girls/women are open to playing with your ass, which is also great.

Awful. Especially the bleeding. Lysol isn't enough to kill all the germs and also contains toxic chemicals. Not to be judgy, but wouldn't a different household object work better? Anything sounds better than a germy toilet plunger. Banana? Hairbrush? Candles? Idk, but there has to be a better option, even if it means buying something at Spencer Gifts to hide in plain sight in your bedroom to use for only that purpose.

@8, This letter is ten years old. We can't help him now, if we ever could. And As AtDev asks, why should we limit?

@12, it needs to be something that stays put by itself, hence the suction cup. That's why the plunger. And short of wearing rubber gloves I don't know how much more he could do to assuage his guilt over sticking things up his ass.

Sorry you’re not free to have your privacy LW. around your sexuality.
Leave that environment when you can, maybe you have by now. Hope so.

@1, attitude deviant. Tell him to pull his head in, no explanations needed. And to relax and try it.

I bought a vibrator and I never found it very satisfying at all. It doesn't provide significant pressure. I'm actually worried about straining my hand so I wish I had a sex toy that worked. I have a history of shoulder issues. Maybe if I bought a Magic Wand it would be better.

@17/TheLastComment: Perhaps you can lay on your tummy with the vibrator against the mattress, or place the vibrator on a (firm) pillow that you straddle and grind yourself down on? Or you could splurge for a Sybian.

@9. Phoebe. 'Save lives'? You are catastrophising. Parents who snoop may do so because they are not accustomed to talking to their kids. It’s good communication and guidance, really lifelong good communication, that averts teen self-harm and suicide.

E. Carpenter makes a good point about the toy not needing to look like a conventional dildo--especially so as the teen here is straight.

Nope. This is so very clearly a fake. I'll only believe it if Dan speaks to this "kid" on the Savage Lovecast. Otherwise, nope. This is total bullshit.

Phoebe @2: Parents who snoop end up with kids who leave home at 14 and 17 if my snooping mother is an example. No, good parents do not snoop. I suggest you revise your self-review of your parenting and stop snooping before you WISH you had kids who waited until 18 to flee.

Attitude @1: Tell your whiny child that the vibrator already has one up on him by not being a self-centred bitch. Real men like their women satisfied. Tell him you'll get rid of it if he gives up porn, that should get the point across! Good luck with your new vibe.

@1 yes, teenage boys are risk-ignoring morons. I’m still amazed I didn’t get injured that time I put an electric hand mixer on low speed and rested it on my jeans over my cock til I came.

This was me 40 years ago - except I never wrapped the plunger handle! Surprised I never got splinters - and never got caught. Lot's of stuff from the fridge would go up my ass - carrots, cukes, hot dogs, ice cubes, plus some stuff I carved into dildo shape - potatoes, sweet potatoes, etc. Years later I found my parents butt toys when cleaning out their stuff - is it hereditary? Thank goodness the current generation has Amazon!

I call Bull Hockey on the cucumber. Unless he's found way way smaller ones than I generally see in the grocery store I just don't see a low-experience guy or gal taking one of those. Sorry.

15 and 22, thanks.
23, I literally screamed when I read that. DUUUUUUDE. You are one lucky man.

Devant @1: Men are not threatened by a woman trying to get her groove back. THAT man is threatened. Too bad he hasn't figured out what payola is in store for him.

No Phoebe @2, Good parents don’t snoop. They trust their children, and knock before entering their rooms. Good parents notice if the child is struggling with life and asks about it. Otherwise, long as they look healthy and happy, we’re good.

Snooping: aren’t the age of the kid and the nature of the concern relevant? I was very concerned to find that my 12-year-old was receiving anonymous messages saying “I want to fuck you/eat you out/swipe your v card.” But those same messages at 16, from an actual boyfriend, are totally normal.

I also think if you suspect your kid has guns, snoop.

I agree kids need privacy, but I don’t think it’s binary—I think it’s a continuum of letting go.

Never a thought that my kids would have guns, Fresh. So that would be a concern. And my kids didn’t have mobiles, because we didn’t have the money to cover them, except for my last child and he kept going over the limit. Glad when he turned eighteen.
Keeping an eye on your children is not the same as snooping. Investigating if your antenna is up is not snooping. Snooping is looking for something to be pissed about.

Good parents only snoop under certain conditions - such as when there is real evidence of something seriously harmful going on, and a previously good and open relationship has screeched to a halt, for no obvious reason.

Good parents also find out about things without snooping, just by going about normal day to day routines, because kids forget to empty their pockets before putting clothes in the laundry basket, that kind of thing. Good parents will usually pretend they didn't see whatever it was.

So, for me, it's not the germiness of the plunger that gives pause, but the length of the thing. That handle is a good 18 inches, maybe two feet! If he slips and looses his balance, he'll end up rupturing his intestines!

Dan, my sex therapist actually recommended I stick cucumbers up my vagina. Think of it as a cheap, familiar sex therapy device for someone dealing with uncontrollable muscle tightening during (attempts at) PIV sex. It helped me a lot!

@32~ Similar story... my chiropractor recommended I shove pickles up my ass. Took me years before I realized he didn't mean SLICED pickles! To this day, I still get hard whenever I eat a Big Mac.

I know now, this is bad for you. But I did this exact same thing when I was a teen-aged gay boy, this exact same thing, right down to the rubber band around the end of the plastic wrap! I wanted to be penetrated from behind so badly, but it wasn't available any other way where I lived without giving up my identity.

@31
Agreed. Slipping is a major risk. Dan has mentioned this about plungers in the past, but didn't this time. If you do slip and puncture something, you might not notice it, as there are no nerves deep inside. You could bleed internally, contaminate your thorasic cavity and die in a few hours. It's as bad as a ruptured appendix.

@1: Don't try to get him to unfreak and instead dump his misogynist ass? Or, since you're older (you mention menopause) and may have been together a long time, thus you may have a lot of shared history and legal/financial/social entanglements that make leaving difficult, don't try to fix it and let him pout. He'll get over it or he won't, and either way, you have a fun new toy for orgasms.

"and now he's pouting that he doesn't do it for me by his own self."

Consciously or not, he's not thinking of you as an agentic, seperate eprson when he does this - your masturbation and orgasms are entirely about his self image rather than you feeling good. Not a good sign. See if he makes notable effoet to self-correct when you point that out to him.

"Why are men so threatened by a woman trying to get her groove back?"

Misogynist and/or narcissistic men are threatened, because they don't think of their female sex partners as seperate, agentic people, rather accessories, helpmeets, Fleshlights, etc. I'd like to believe this doesn't describe a majority of men, but the fact that misogyny is nearly, perhaps actually, fundamental to our culture's definition of masculinity is one of the major reasons I rejected masculinity. Unlike most people who use "toxic masculinity" not to condemn masculinity entirely but to differentiate ot from non-toxic masculinity, I think masculinity is inherently toxic (femininity, too - our construction of gender is always harmful IMO). So you may be SOL trying to date men even if you do dump him - you could try genderqueer males if you want a dick without a man attached.

@29: If your kid is stockpiling guns - and doesn't have a legitimate environmental need for weapons for self defense, like living in the middle of a predator-filled jungle or a war zone - you've already made some deeper errors than snooping, so, sure, snoop.

As for those messages, I'd hope you wouldn't blame your kid for the kinds of messages creepy predators are sending, as THEIR behavior says nothing about your kid's behavior. If you haven't made sexuality taboo and have discussed it with your kid, I'd hope that by age 12 ze would understand what's wrong with adults trying to exploit/abuse children, and that sex - of whatever kind - is something that ze should do only when ze really wants to and with partners close in age. If your kid is interested in sex and has safe venues and avenues to explore sexuality (see the Scanadanavian model), ze has no reason to look to predatory partners, nor to hide what ze's doing from you (and no hiding means no need to snoop). With anonymous messages of which you don't know the full context, they actually could be from other 12-year-olds for all you know - I'd also still be concerned in case not, but if you've raised your kid with good consent-based values and a general sense of agency (which requires not using authoritarian parenting), you can trust zir to make good decisions and come to you if ze finds zirself in trouble. If not, then the ethics of snooping aren't the most salient issue, because there are more important and fundamental problems that need to be addressed.