Dirty Secret Discovered After Sexless Weekend



Maybe if you kids had a baby it would bring you closer together.


They're not living together, and DLDOS doesn't offer up the usual "he's great, but/I love him, but" so there doesn't appear to be any reason to stick around... unless she wants to try pegging.


Maybe he's a closet case.


DLDOS, sure, three months in is early to know what sex your new sex partner enjoys, but it eons of time to know whether your partner is excited about the idea that they get to have sex with you. For many people there is a magic time when, after a period of searching, you find someone with whom you want to have sex and who wants to have sex with you. During that time, there is a reasonable expectation that you are going to have a fair bit of sex. That this isn't happening in your case is a strong indication that this relationship needs to end. I am not going to say that your boyfriend just isn't that into you, since he sounds emotionally and sexually stunted. But that doesn't matter, call him up and let him know that you are pulling the plug on this relationship, and don't waste any time trying to unpack his issues, including his inability to properly clear an anal sex toy after each and every use.


Debris. Ewewewwww...


This may be obvious but never let him use one if his toys in you, bring your own if u dont happen to DTMF as Dan suggests


"I've been listening to your podcast for a couple of hours now." this is a refreshing change from the long time listener/reader going back to the Paleolithic...


...which almost, but doesn't quite, make up for that revolting image of the debris covered dildo that I can't get out of my mind now! OMFG!



"Effect" is usually a noun. It can be used as a verb, but only with the meaning of "to cause to happen," as in "Jonas Salk effected the vaccine for polio."

"Affect" is usually a verb, meaning "to change," like "I was affected by the fact." It can be used as a noun, but only if you're a psychologist describing a patient's appearance.

Your is possessive. You're means "you are." If you can't tell the difference, you should never use you're and just write out "you are" every time.


Gosh Dan, weird for you clutch your pearls over this since you've been celebrating, and are the founder of, the joys of santorum.

Also, the letter writer doesn't really describe the debris. Dried lube or worse? How much? Did she have to use a magnifying glass to see it? Most importantly, we do not know conclusively that particular dildo was the one in her boyfriend's ass.

I suggest LW call Dr. Laura and get her take on it.


I don't think it's necessarily a sign of incompatibility that lovers don't have sex during a weekend together; but it's more worrying that one of them can't discuss it calmly. Her bf is not enthusiastic about sex with her--surely the biggest reason for her to question the relationship.


@9: Santorum is only sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. Please consult the definition. If you're doing anal correctly, there won't be any fecal debris.


Don't take it personally. Just break up.


@12: Oh, so now you're going to hang you hat on 'sometimes'? Very clever, you really do plan ahead.


@8 You're my favorite.


Gross. See, this is what happens when you snoop.
I’m with Ricardo @3, this guy may be hiding more than his filthy dildo.


@12: Now? That's a point I've been making since lower-case santorum was loosed on the world. Please consult the chapter in American Savage on the provenance of the stickiest neologism to emerge from Savage Love.


When someone has only a mere 3 moths invested in their relationship and they're having these kind of problems already, quitting while you're behind and DTMFA is generally the best advice. Don't throw a lot of good time after a blip of bad.


I generally agree that she should move on. At the same time, she seems to be confusing ass play. Maybe he is interested in putting his dick in you, but he's probably more interested in you wearing a strap-on and putting your dick in him. Perhaps the ass play conversation wasn't very clear and you need to ask him if he'll put his dick in you if you put a dick in him. Then if you're not getting anywhere, dump him and his gross toys.


@raindrop I give Dan a lot of deserved hell when he needs it (Bernie is going to win the nomination in 2020), but he’s always said Santorum is the byproduct of anal sex when you’re doing it wrong.


@19: That was my first thought: that Dan didn't address that the boyfriend's desire to have HIS OWN ASS penetrated might have nothing to do with an interest in PIV. Maybe he's not into doing the penetrating.

HOWEVER, I wouldn't even bother telling the lw to check in--the guy's the world's worst communicator; he doesn't seem to be interested in her sexually (really--no sex over a romantic weekend away at 3 months in, and no plausible explanation offered, like he had the flu or something?); and he doesn't clean his sex toys. DMFA.

Mostly what I want to say to DLDOS is, "oh, Honey." But own up, DLDOS, you didn't just stumble upon his dildo (rim shot); you went looking for it. Dan should've called you out on that.


Morty@18~ “...a mere 3 moths invested in their relationship...”

Three moths is indeed a paltry investment in a relationship. I would bail if my partner couldn’t come up with at least a dozen bumblebees and a dragonfly.


@20; please don’t start already, eh? Lots of time yet. Still waiting on Biden and Beto to decide their intentions. Big playing field this time.


LW, walk away. This guy has issues with his own sexuality. Not wanting sex with you and not keeping something he inserts into his body, clean. Big Issues.
Why did it take finding his toy to convince you? After three months, you guys should still be hot for each other. That is red flag enough that he seems to have no interest in sex with you.


Still waiting on Susan and her army to show up @20. She must have taken a wrong turn somewhere, sure is taking a while.


@23 Biden and Beto will lose for the exact same reasons that Democrats lost in 2016. Of course, Dan and The Stranger are going to run with either them or Kamala, even though none of them will win. Chances are they’ll probably win the nomination. Trump will win a second term. And you and Savage will be piping mad and blaming Bernie Bros yet again.

That’s usually how this narrative goes.

Of course, if Warren or Sanders wins the nomination, we’ll be playing a bit of ball with the still current attitudes of the country, and Democrats might stand a chance of winning the presidency again.


How do you know who the Stranger will support and I have no skin in the game. I’m sad the focus hasn’t been on changing the Electoral College over these three years, somehow.
Long as All vote for whoever the Democratic candidate is, and not throw a tantrum and vote for Jill where is the money Stein, like last time, all should be ok.


Hey, that dildo had extra lobster!

Just like the talk of politics from @20 down!

Don't worry, I know that it isn't how "extra lobster" is supposed to be applied. I think my sarcasm here is pretty clear.


@28, if you feel like you had to explain it, it wasn't clear. Just saying.


Dan is trolling us. First the letter from yesterday from the "straight" guy giving us a detailed description of his foreplay with a plunger. And now today's letter, also about a "straight" guy, complete with -- oops! --- skillfully crafted grammatical errors to make us believe that this is a real letter.* Not sure what Dan's playing at here, but it's funny how everyone is taking both these letters so seriously.

  • I've been reading this column for quite a while. Given that I've rarely if ever seen grammatical errors in the letters, I'm left with one of two assumptions: 1) all of Dan's letter writers are highly educated people who write flawlessly, or 2) Dan is usually generous enough to correct the mild errors and/or typos that slip through in order to render the letters more readable, and this, partly because he knows that this type of poor grammar will inevitably lead the reader toward forming a negative judgement of the writer.

When a dude discovers how good a prostate orgasm can be, he might lose interest in vag. Can’t fault him for that. But as a vag haver, the LW must have better things to do with the rest of her life than spend it with him.


The fake apologies for snooping from LWs are irritating. That he has a well used, dirty dildo in a drawer is not the issue here - her inability to respect the privacy of someone who trusted her to be alone in his apartment is. Maybe he cleans it before use because after he comes from using it he likes to immediately fall asleep. Maybe it's well worn because he's had it for a very long time. Maybe she should learn to respect her partners and develop boundaries.


@ 33 - Really???

Maybe HE should learn to respect his partners and tell them the truth about his sexuality and about exactly how much he's interested in them. That would solve the problem before it even comes up.


@34 He did tell her about his interest in anal play. Maybe not to the extent that he likes it, but he did tell her.

Just like I’m telling @27 that there’s no way I’ll vote for Biden, Beto, or Kamala in the general so the primary voters better think long and hard before nominating another bullshit centrist.


@35 Another 'bullshit centrist' may be the only thing standing between us and a conservative majority on the Supreme Court for the rest of your miserable life.


Dan left out the most important thing, which is good 'keeping your dildo clean' protocol.

Polypropylene socks work great to keep your dildo free of cat-hair, or dust or whatever else might get stuck to your dildos. Something about the dildo materials seem to be a static electricity magnet for dust or hair or whatever else is in the room where they're stored. Problem solved, and your dildo is clean when you go to reach for it.


@37 This is true. I don’t use my dildo that frequently, and it literally collects dust.

But, i don’t think that LW was freaking out over dust, because that indicates non-use.


Our toys are kept in a box by the bed and washed after use. Unless you're rolling them under the bed and collecting dust bunnies, I don't know where all this detritus is coming from. Live next door to a construction demolition site & leave your windows open? Cat taking the dildo into the litter box to play? Using it in a gas station bathroom? For Pete's sake, find another guy with better hygeine practices who actually wants to fuck you! This is not rocket science.


@32 - I blame it on urbanization. Friends brought up on farms tend to not care whether an ass is messy or not. They were brought up around livestock, and shit was part of daily life, not a big deal. Some dads who changed lots of diapers for their kids are also not particular about the state of another man's ass, so my theory about farm life's effect on anal sex may not be supportable, but I'm sticking to it.


The only time I've been more grossed out by a Savage Love story is when someone called in to complain that her boyfriend 'came a piece of mushroom' in her mouth and asked, outraged, how it got from his digestive tract to his urethra.

I was stoned at the time, and the knowledge of the biological impossibility did nothing to ameliorate the image.


eCarp@40 ~ "...friends brought up on farms tend to not care whether an ass is messy or not..."

WTF! Do you even KNOW anyone that was brought up on a farm?! Yes, you deal with shit on a daily basis. NO! NO ONE wants it smeared all over their partner's ass or sex toy! I've read a lot of ignorant statements in my life, but you are bucking for the Donald J. Trump Lifetime Achievement Award for that one.


I think there are three separate questions

1 - he prefers the dildo over me. this could be a problem!
2 - he sticks a dildo in his ass. either help him or don't mention it. diff'rent strokes.
3 - his dildo is dirty. awkward, but tell him to clean it. or don't - it's his ass!


That debris speckled dildo image has ruined a part of my week the way having an old man with a mouth full of rice sneeze on me ruined last week.


Also, I'm a mom. I deal with all varieties of poop on a daily basis.


Haven't we all believed that, when you snoop, you should be prepared to learn things that may be unpleasant, making you regret you'd ever snooped in the first place. In this case, I think the LW should be relieved to have found what she did and early on, especially if he's going to pussyfoot around what his needs and kinks are.

No shame in wanting to have your ass played with (I've played with a couple of spectacular ones attached to very nice people) unless you have no interest in playing with your partner's fiddly bits (so we're back to being honest), but FFS clean your own toys!!!


No, not three separate questions Sportlandia. One big question.
‘Who are you mate, and why didn’t you learn that beginning a relationship where you don’t wanna fuck the girl is a big Lie, and leaving un cleaned dildos around the room when said girl snoops is not a good plan to avoid discovery that you are gross in your habits.
You are a lousy lay and good bye.’


@30 “Given that I've rarely if ever seen grammatical errors in the letters, I'm left with one of two assumptions...”

We must be reading different columns.


So many people worried about the misuses of santorum, but nobody is paying attention to the worrying drift in the meaning of DTMFA. Seems to have become the go-to word in situations the proper advice is "Move On FFS".

The guy is not enthusiastic about sex with DLDOS, and that is a problem to her; so she should just leave, dump him even, but that doesn't make him a MF. Keeping a debris-covered dildo makes him disgusting - another good reason to leave - but doesn't make him a MF. He is not a good communicator - DLDOS needs to move on FFS! - but that too does not make him a MF.

The only unambiguous MF trait mentioned in the letter was DLDOS snooping around the room in search for sex toys. Also MF-ish (at least a bright red flag) that the DLDOS seems to harass the guy for sex when he doesn't want it, and that she fells personally "offended" that he enjoy his dildo more than he enjoys her. DLDOS seems to assume he owes her sex.

In summary:
Advice to DLDOS: MOFFS
Advice to dildo-owner: DTMFA


What Plural? Into a three month relationship with his behaviour, this guy doesn’t get a pass, he’s a MF. Although it’s an unfortunate combination. I think that’s why I don’t use it. MotherFucker.
She being a snoop, is a snoop. Unpleasant people, I agree, and I never tolerate any snoopers in my life. And I don’t snoop.
We all have our inner lives, and others are not welcome there, unless invited.
Both these young people are learning. How to do relationships.
What is with this guy? Why is he with her.. she doesn’t want to be a buddy, she wants a lover.
Whatever the issues are, these two are not happening for each other, at this time.


If DTMFA is to remain a coin flip instead of a spectrum (while the spectrum would be more accurate, I can see some merit in agreeing not to waste time assigning exact grades when pass-fail is quite sufficiently effective), then it might be helpful to set some concrete standards. Given my fondness for the Scottish verdict of Non Proven, it's tempting to suggest Dump This Gross Person Already to cover the unappealing-but-insufficiently-malevolent.

I'm wondering whether it's really a drift or whether the phrase is just coming into its own. I think there has been a bit of a drift in -phobic labels. I don't like calling attitudes, policies or people homophobic, but I suspect that some people do. As a number of the greater problems have been moving into or towards the Fixed column, then many who get a sense of power out of applying the label spread it to more moderate problems. There's also an attitude that, from pre-Hawkeye days, hearkens back to partisan tennis linespeople - when in doubt, call it out.

I might guess that DTMFA has undergone a slight evolution into people's coming to think of it not so much as a question of getting the coin flip right as being part of taking LW's side (I don't really have the time now to go into a full exploration of how often that happens and under what circumstances) or something that will do LW good in the long run (hence the Linesperson's Attitude). And this leads me to another of my general questions for the assembled company.

If you were going to end a relationship, or were considering doing so, would you find DTMFA helpful? Would it make you feel better to be told that? Would you want the assessment to match your own? Would you prefer a friend to err on the side of charity or truth, and how if at all would you prefer friends to evaluate the situation differently than if they were non-acquaintances?


@34 - She already knew he had one and used it. So yeah, really. Using a dildo on your ass doesn't have anything to do with your sexuality, also. Not sure what you're talking about there. He's now not straight because he puts things in his butt? REALLY??? Snooping through your new SO's apartment is a shithead thing to do. Justifying it with - we went a whole three days (ALL WEEKEND!) without sex and he didn't have a satisfactory explanation is ridiculous.


He's just not that into you. How long did it take you to notice?? Move on. He may well be gay, but even if he's not, he's just not that into you. What more do you need to know?


@50 Lava, I agree with you that MF is an unfortunate combination.

@51 Venn "If you were going to end a relationship, or were considering doing so, would you find DTMFA helpful?" - Unlikely. Most relationships end not because someone is a jerk, but because someone has moved on (and the other needs to do the same). I find it depressing when people feel the need to mentally transform someone they loved (or, often, still love) into a jerk before they are capable of accepting that a relationship is over.

Only time DTMFA is useful is when someone is dating a proper jerk but is unable to recognise it, or recognises it but is unable to move on. Many of Dan's LWs are in those situations. But many others are just faulty humans in a doomed relationship with another faulty human, none of them necessarily a jerk. I argue that in these cases the most appropriate advice is Move On FFS.


I'm going to use a bit of advice from Captain Awkward. LW find a guy who is less work.

I mean you should be in the honeymoon stage of your relationship but this guy doesn't want to touch you. It will not get better.

It's not about the dildo, or his sexuality, it's about him not being attracted to you. Find a guy who wants to touch you and let this guy figure out his issues for himself.

Venn I think the problem with DTMFA is that a lot of the time the person being dumped isn't a MF. Just someone incompatible with the LW. But Dump The Nice but Incompatible Person Already just doesn't have the same ring.

And yeah if I was dating a MF and didn't see it I would like to be told that.


Definitely DTMFA, not because he's got bad hygiene, which is a problem that can be kindly guided towards healthier behavior, but because this is a very young relationship with clear sexual inequality.


I agree he's not a MF, so it's a DTPNPA (Dump the perfectly nice person already) situation, not a DTMFA. This is a perfect example of the 90-Day Money Back Guarantee approach to dating.


Or maybe you're someone who can't deal with him being stressed out and not wanting to fuck you because...he's stressed out. About what you don't say. But when my mother was dying, and I was changing jobs at the same time, it sucked donkey dicks. Sex was about the last thing on my mind. I did still jerk off but mostly to relieve stress and go to sleep.

And you're already snooping in his stuff at 3 months? Dump him and save him the agony of dumping you later because you can't respect his privacy. Ultimately it sounds like he's not in "good working order," as Dan always says. Tell him so, and break up with him gently. But for god's sake, don't tell him you were snooping in his sex toys.


I lived with a man for five years before I figured out he is gay and he is so deep in denial that he doesn't even know it or at least acknowledge it to me. We had sex a couple of times a year and he talked A LOT about sex (all the time, ogling women and commenting about their bodies and criticizing their fucking shoes of all things) and butt sex in particular but there was surprisingly little actual physical intimacy. Talk about frustrating. Move on, there are plenty of wildly enthusiastic sex fiends out there who want it as bad as you do.


Agree with Dan's advice, 100%. Life's too short to waste a weekend stressed and sexually frustrated in a brand-new relationship.

The only thing I would add is that I find it curious that the letter writer says, "we didn't actually have sex at all," and later mentions this man "not wanting to put his dick in me." Maybe the two had absolutely no sexual contact during the weekend. If they did have sexual contact, if genitals were stimulated by hands or mouths or other body parts in an attempt to derive sexual pleasure, actual sex was had.

The type of sex this man seems to enjoy (ass play, masturbation) may be different than the type of sex the letter writer wants (penis in vagina), but it's all sex. Semantics, maybe, but my ears always perk up when I hear that someone "didn't actually" or "didn't really" have sex.

The two could probably learn to respect and fulfill each other's sexual needs, but that energy is probably better put into a relationship with a more promising start.