That smells suspicious, sir.
That smells suspicious, sir. Taras Lazur/Getty Images

If there's a news story that involves bizarre, stupid, or downright stupid and bizarre behavior, it's usually taking place in the state most likely to not be missed when the climate change floods come. Don't @ me, I'm right about this. I've lived in Florida, so I speak with some unwanted authority. There's even a spot-on game currently afoot in which one Googles "Florida man and [your birthday]" to see what awesomeness occurred. For mine, June 14, I got the cheery headline "Florida Man Shoots Self in Head to See If Round in Chamber." The entire state is one huge green room for the Darwin Awards.

Further proof of the genius housed in the Sunshine State comes to us courtesy of The Takeout, which shares TCPalm's face-palming story of the Indian River County Sheriff's response to a complaint of 64-year-old David Frederick Ellis burning leaves in his backyard. While hardly a hanging matter, observant officers did point out that the burning pile of leaves, which, per the affidavit was "5 to 6 feet in diameter and 2 to 3 feet in height" had a couple suspicious elements: it reeked of burning cannabis, and there were "the remains of small pot plants and leaves" in the burning pile.

Ellis, whom we can safely assume did not take any AP classes in school, spoke right up to give the 911 the 411: "I was only burning the leaves, it’s trash.... You don’t smoke that, I’ve got like a quarter pound of it inside.” Bad time to brag, bro. Really bad time.

The officers, no doubt realizing they had spotted a "Florida Man" in his native habitat, entered the home and found an "aluminum tray with apparent marijuana and drug paraphernalia.” That would be enough for most people, but Ellis angled for the trifecta by telling officers, "I’ve got more in the refrigerator.”

Officers performed a more thorough search, and ended up with more than six ounces of flower and some wax, and arrested Ellis on charges of possession of drug paraphernalia and over 20 grams of cannabis, along with what can safely be assumed were some pitying looks.

And now we have a new "Florida man" story for the birthday game.