I was wondering if I could get your opinion on something.

I‘m male, hetero, in my late thirties. I met a girl, early thirties, at a birthday party. We talked, drank a few beers and exchanged numbers. A few days later I called her and we went out on Date Number 1. Again nice conversations, a few drinks, but nothing happened. A couple of days later Date Number 2, same same, we had a good time, a few drinks, nothing happened. A few days later we went out on Date Number 3. After a few drinks we started to make out right in the bar we were at. We had a few more drinks and called it a night. I asked to spend the night at her place and she agreed. "No sex though, just sleep," she said. That was fine with me. Either we would wake up the next day and decide that it would have been a mistake anyway or possibly have sex the next day—when we were sober. And when we went to bed she said "Please don‘t take advantage of me being drunk." I promised her I wouldn't. About fifteen minutes later she turned to me, kissed me, and grabbed my dick. I was confused. I gently turned her down, telling her I promised not to take advantage of her in our drunken state. She turned away angry, which I get. Getting turned down hurts. Nothing more happened that night and calls within the next days were unanswered.

I am wondering now, was consent being given? Was I an idiot? Or was I right to turn her down, since we talked about it beforehand?

Unsure If Situation Was Handled Right

You handled the situation perfectly, UISWHR... well, almost.

When someone sends you seriously mixed and/or drunken signals about whether or not they want to have sex... yeah, it's always best to err on the side of not having sex with that person, UISWHR, even if that person attempts to initiate sex. So you did good there.

Now your date may have been attempting, in her drunken state, to grant consent to sexual activity. That's possible. But you'd already established—and she'd already emphasized—the fact that she was, by her own assessment, too drunk for sexual activity. As a consequence, she couldn't offer you meaningful consent. You were right to abide by her earlier statement ("Please don‘t take advantage of me being drunk") and not her later/drunker actions (rolling, kissing, dick grabbing, etc.).

As for why she's not returning your calls/texts now... well, it could be she was so hammered she doesn't remember anything that happened that night and she wasn't thrilled to wake up with you in her bed. (Hence the "...well, almost," above. If you were both too drunk for sex, maybe it would've been better to wait for Date Number 4 and go to a movie or something instead of a bar.) Or it could be that she wasn't too drunk to consent and was trying to be flirtatious when she said "please don‘t take advantage of me being drunk" but that would be some seriously some tone- and our-historical-moment-deaf flirting on her part. Or she could have felt rejected—and, yeah, being rejected sucks. But you didn't reject her. You respected her. You didn't say, "No, never," you said, "Not now, per your earlier request." If that's what it was and she can't see you were doing right by her, well, she's no one you want to spend time with, drunk or sober.


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