Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: She found photos and videos of her boyfriend's exes on her boyfriend's phone, he and his wife are in different worlds (also, she touches her clit too much—what's up with that?), I rise to speak on behalf of the unhappily single or miserably partnered… and three drunken dates: did he do the right thing? And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First...

Love your show. Listener and reader for years. I was shocked at your revulsion of the new version of It. Dan hates a story about a group of misfits (all persecuted for one reason or another—one is fat, another black, one sexually abused, another a hypochondriac, etc.)—who become fast friends? A story about a cadre of kids who come to the realization that they only have power when they stick together? And learning that they can only grow through their personal struggles with each others support?!? All the while fighting off bullies, crazy parents, and a demon who likes to use your fear against you? WTF, Dan! WTF?!?!?

I'm sorry I didn't like that movie you liked. I guess I had a hard time getting past the scene right at the beginning where a little boy had his arm bitten off and then desperately tried to crawl away from the monster, repeatedly slamming the bloody stump that was all that was left of his right arm into the pavement, again and again and again, before finally being dragged into the sewer and—as we later learn— brutally murdered. All the misfits, diversity, and banal life lessons in the world couldn't make up for a scene like that. Sorry.

Regarding UISWHR and his drunken-but-not-disastrous third date...

I have a story as-told by the untainted and virginal Gene Simmons of the band Kiss. He claims, though I do not have facts to back this up, that after a few years of being a rock star and fornicating with thousands of women, he came to a place where he refused to bang a woman who was drunk. He said in the interview that he wanted to know she was in control of her faculties when they had this experience together.

UISWHR, I have an idea. With this woman, and since I think you need to let her go, with future women, don't get so drunk. Don't let them get so drunk. Or date or see women who don't need that much booze to unwind and have fun. For every reason listed above, but most importantly for her ability to communicate and your ability to listen.

And...

It would be almost impossible to explain to someone from 1999 that today, turning down drunken sex is both noble and an act of self preservation. It's a good thing, but amazing how our norms have changed so dramatically in a relatively short time.

— Pancho (@Panchopax) April 3, 2019

A call from a woman who was was turned off after a man who—I'm trying to clear here—asked her if she could take a look at his penis and tell him whether or not she thought he was circumcised reminded a listener of something Patrick Stewart said on the Graham Norton Show...

An uplifting story...

Not a question; just a thank you. I've been lecturing my godson from an appropriate age about sex, tolerance, ethics, consent, safer sex and, after he began having sex this year (age 18), ethical non-monogamy. This last because no-strings-attached hooking-up is the norm in his group of friends. I got a call from him last week, and his first words were, "I'm having sex with a girl, and I'm not sure it's ethical." It turns out that although they'd had "the conversation" in the beginning and agreed on no-strings-attached, she'd recently told him that she "might" be catching feelings for him. I told him, of course, that if she's saying that, she already has caught feelings for him. And no, it isn't ethical, because if she keeps screwing him in the hope that he'll fall for her, and if he knows he won't, it's just unkind. "It's time for another talk with her, kiddo," I said. Big sigh from godson. "Yeah, I know. I was pretty sure that's what you were going to say." Our work here is done, Dan.

If my work is done... why is my editor yelling at me about deadlines?

On the hotness of bi guys, the desires of gay guys, and the marketability of "straight" guys:

In your reply to Horny Married Man a few weeks ago, you finished by saying: "That does make you bi, HMM, but for marketing purposes? Yeah, you’re going to want to go with straight." Why would you want to perpetuate the myth that bisexual guys aren't attractive to other guys? We face enough biphobic attitudes elsewhere. It was really surprising and not a little upsetting to read that from you. It just seemed so last century. Bi guys are hot as fuck!

I agree that bi guys are hot as fuck, of course, but as HMM observed in his original letter to me...

Now, with grindr and tons of guys who like giving head—especially to a straight married guy (am I still straight?)—being on grinder I figure that the easiest solution to me wanting blowjobs is to use grinder.

I had to cut that for space. But even if HMM doesn't know it's "Grindr" (not "grinder"), he somehow already knows there are lots of gay guys out there who like to suck off "straight" guys. That can mean straight-identified bi guys or it can mean a-mouth-is-a-mouth straight guys who can lie back and think of of pussy (or watch straight porn) while gay guys who get off on servicing straight guys blow them. (Gay guys who are, of course, under no delusions about who it is they're servicing.) In my defense, I did tell HMM that he's bi... but I had to both agree and be honest with him about this: If he's only looking to get his dick sucked, yeah, going with the straight label is likelier to attract the kinds of guys HMM needs, e.g., guys who want to give head without getting head (or anything else) in return. So I will allow it.

Regarding Cheater Shocked to Learn Spouse Also Cheating...

In your pro-poly evangelism, I guess you overlooked this part: "I really don't think she wants an open marriage. I think she landed on this option given my actions.” It’s very possible that, despite his cheating, he actually does want to be monogamous, and so does his wife, and your encouraging him to go be poly instead of looking at the pathologies that make him do something he doesn’t really want to do, and her ditto, may actually not be such good advice after all.

For the 22-year-old woman who meets only "sad boys who need a mom"...

A third possibility that's causing this could be that you keep going to the same places or using the same routines in looking for your lovers, but somehow expecting a different result. There's a saying about that sort of thing, you know!

Some tips for another LW from that same column...

“Best tricks for a quick female orgasm...?” I feel compelled to respond to this question with my two bits worth. Two things in conjunction that work for me are clitoral stimulation any which way that feels good AND a rhythmic contracting and relaxing of the vaginal muscles (as in the Kegel exercise). This latter tensing and relaxing is crucial and seems to prime the vaginal wall and uterus to begin their own contractions resulting in orgasm. Each time I suck up or tense these muscles (as in stopping a stream of urine, or Kegel) I can feel a climax nearing and eventually I go over the edge. Doesn’t take long!

Regarding my recent advice for (yet another) woman whose husband wanted her to sleep with other men...

Your advice to the woman wrestling with whether to indulge her husband’s “ultimate fantasy” was sagacious. Let me offer additional perspective, the perspective of a now almost 50 year marriage. The power in such fantasies may prove of great value, and, so long as they are mutually enjoyed, so can a bit of dabbling in actions beyond mere whispered bedroom moments. When young, arousal is an easy thing. As one ages, it can become trickier. So having available real memories, and not just a go-to imagined scenario that has been whispered for years, can supply an additional trigger for mutual arousal.

She may presume, for example, that the roles they now are in are permanent: he as the daring one, she as the reluctant one, the gate keeper. With time, that might evolve. Since her stated intent seems in the letter to be to keep solid her marriage, she might give additional thought to this issue. If now, in their early years (and 10 years is a blink in a long marriage), he never actually is joined in what he wants to play, what foundation has she set if in her 50s or 60s it is hers whose motor runs faster?

I don’t claim our experience points to some magic solution, because our adventures in our early years were not prodded along by either of us. I'm simply saying that having some real memories of sexy things you have done together can keep the additional fantasy conversations from becoming threadbare, or from becoming clubs that one partner uses to diminish the other.

That's it, everyone! Have a great weekend—and in case you missed it...

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