1548976856-savage-letter-of-the-day-stamp-2019.jpg

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Small-town gay dude can't stop hooking up with a not-so-mysterious masked man, the other woman and the memorial service, his ex-girlfriend fucked her boss before they met and he's not okay with that, and the ins and never-get-outs of male chastity devices. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

First, some advice for/insight on HOODIE:

Dan, love the column and have read it for years. Likewise the podcast, but I was shocked that you didn't address the following sentence in a recent letter from HOODIE: "Once when he was in a vulnerable position I pulled his mask off but he immediately bolted out the door before I could see his face." That was a clear crossing of a boundary on the letter writer's part! The partner had been very clear he wanted to wear the mask, but the letter writer took it upon himself to forcibly remove it.

Good point, thanks for pointing that good point out, and you weren't the only one...

Regarding the rural ski-mask hookup, I think HOODIE needs at least a little finger wagging on his behavior. The internet stalking is a borderline ethical issue, the ripping off his partners mask during the hookup is a more clear violation. Those boundaries were established before hand. Love your column. Wish you continued success.

I wrote back to HOODIE and asked him to explain the mask-yanking incident...

I felt that once he was comfortable enough with me he would eventually ditch the mask and be reasonable about it. After a year of hooking up with him and being respectful of his wishes, it was clear it didn't matter what I said or did—he wasn't giving up the damn mask! On this particular night he was bent over in my backseat with his pants down and hands underneath him. Suddenly it hit me that I could pull his ski mask off right now. Finally I could see his face and he wouldn't have a reason to wear the mask anymore. So I made the split second decision to do it. Unfortunately he bolted straight out the car door and all I saw was the back of his head. It just happened in the moment and I think it shocked both of us.... and yes he is quite hot and good in bed but I feel like the sex could be even hotter if I could see his face during it then we could take it to a whole new level and really connect.

For the record and as I should've said in my initial response to HOODIE: violations of someone's stated boundaries, even if you think their boundaries are absurd, are not okay—and doing it on impulse, after making a split-second decision, isn't an excuse. If HOODIE doesn't want to fuck a dude in a mask, he should stop fucking this dude who insists on wearing a mask.

As for the Internet stalking... yeah, I'm not going to come down on HOODIE for that. Ski-Mask Man shared his name with HOODIE and maintains an Instagram account under that name. He must know that someone he fucks regularly might be curious enough about him to Google him—and the ease with which HOODIE located him makes me think that Ski-Mask Man isn't that invested in maintaining his privacy. Again, I don't think this is about fetishizing privacy. This is about a fetish.

In response to the woman who hates the gravity can ruin a good fuck...

The gal who doesn’t like semen leaking out should keep an unwrapped tampon under the pillow; as soon as her guy pulls out she should wet it in her mouth and put it in. Problem solved in seconds.

The person who wrote the above is, unsurprisingly, not a woman.

A more patient response than perhaps deserved for the man who was a bit annoyed that his wife is "one of those women" who needs clitoral stimulation in order come...

I'm in a similar situation as Come As You Are's wife—but I am the wife! Your advice was sound, but I think you left out a big possible explanation: How stressed is his wife? I struggle a lot with anxiety, and sex can be a stressful period for me when my brain has a hard time relaxing. It really has a hard time turning off, even though I enjoy sex and love my husband—it just won't stop throwing all the daily tasks I have to get done into my head, or any other distractions. The transition between "daily life," where I am expected to be "on," and sex, where I'm supposed to be conscious and present, can be jarring without the right touch of foreplay (the "F" word too few men are comfortable hearing!).

Add this with the pressure of climaxing, and his added dissatisfaction that she is totally picking up on, no wonder she has to shut herself out! I recommend this guy take some extra time to remember that sex is a team sport, and to check in to make sure she is getting what she needs—maybe some extra physical touching NOT just on her clit or sensitive areas, some relaxing words, and willingness to be patient could go a long way towards transitioning her mind more into the right zone, and she can be more present in the moment rather than struggling to reach climax with her husband who is simply waiting his turn.

And as to why Come As You Are's wife closes her eyes during sex...

I am a woman who has a different reason why I have my eyes closed during sex: to focus on the sensations. I will open them here and there to get a view of my gorgeous husband but then clamp them shut again to enjoy the ride. I don't know if it's just me or if other women do this but I am definitely not fantasizing about anyone else and absolutely not tuning him out, in fact, having my eyes closed allows my other senses (smell, touch, taste and sound) to stand out more. My husband was actually very relieved when recently (about 3 months ago) I happened to explain that to him. Thanks for all you do especially helping keep sex more healthy and less shameful! You totally rock!

Regarding Episode 553 of my dumb podcast...

In Savage Lovecast Episode 553, at the beginning of this podcast, you discussed the problems that you have with Donald Trump and how his administration is going to destroy the world. I was rather disturbed by your description of all Trump supporters. Please hear me out and read this, everyone could use enlightenment and improvement. I support him because I want this country to be BETTER! I don't go against everything he says and I don't agree with everything, I find myself to be a rational, level headed individual and I voted for him because he was the best fit for the job. Hilary [sic] Clinton is a thief (a proven fact and my personal opinion) and a dishonest individual. Donald Trump and hard working Americans...

That letter goes on for another ten thousand words. Suffice to say, I've been detailing the problems I have with Donald Trump on my podcast for three years. We're on Episode 650 now—try to keep up, Letter Writer! And if you don't like what I have to say about Trump on my podcast in 2017, LW, you're going to hate this tweet from 2013...


Also: Trump is a racist asshole and fuck you, LW, for voting for him. And I would appreciate it very much if you stopped listening to my show.

Regarding my interview with Dr. Becky Lynn about her new research that backed up something I've long thought...

I'm a female who has been using marijuana for a libido booster for several years now. I am not a user otherwise. I had a healthy libido up until the birth of my child three years ago. I remembered in the past finding pot got me going and so I started smoking or having edibles before sex. It isn't just a mental aid—it physically makes me feel turned on. Then during sex it helps by shutting off all my brain clutter, helping me focus on the experience and how everything feels which leads to great sex & orgasms. I have asked friends about this and I always hear they don't have a similar experience. It makes them sleepy etc. I've googled it and I have never seen any research...just the usual YES it will fix and heal everything. Alcohol has the opposite effect for me. I started to think I was just one of the few lucky ones to have a natural, cheap and easy way to get my sex life back. My husband and I joke that it is my girl Viagra. So happy to hear this is a real thing for lots of other lucky ladies like me.

In response to my advice for Please Help, the woman who was shocked to learn—while snooping—that her boyfriend had some dirty pics of an ex on his phone...

I know my exes have dirty photos of me and I'm okay with it. I'm not okay with my current SO being careless. The LW's boyfriend—and everyone on the planet—needs to save the dirty stuff to a SECURE FOLDER on their phone. The phone I purchased last year has one already setup. It requires a pin to access and to save things to it. It's so easy, I just go to my photo gallery and choose to move things to the secure folder. IT WAS CREATED FOR EXACTLY THIS SITUATION. Everyone needs to get with the program and then it'll be okay. :D Yay for tech.

And finally...

I wanted to let you know that your general advice on dirty talk (say what you want to do, say what you're doing, say what you just did) is really great! I'm not personally all that into dirty talk but I have used the same formula in some other "dirty" talk—preparing legal notices! I work in property management and use a formula when writing notices to tenants about lease violations. Say what the lease term is, say what they did to violate it, say what they need to do to make it better (i.e. Section 5 says no smoking, you were smoking in the apartment, stop smoking in the apartment.) I realized how closely it mirrored your dirty talk advice! So, I guess my point is that the clear and deliberate dirty talk language is also great for clearly getting your point across in many areas of life or business! Great advice, sexual or otherwise!!

Thanks! And here's hoping you remember to #FuckFirst before writing up those legal notices!

A nice woman on the #8 bus passed me a note the other day...

...and there's some debate as to whether she was thanking me for damaging her life or thanking me for changing her life. Either way, nice woman on the bus, you're welcome!

Okay, that's it! I hope everyone has a great weekend!


••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!

Tickets to HUMP 2019 are on sale now! Get them here!